Need a Woman's POV - What do I Do?

[Bowie40]

Okay, I could really use some female advice here. I've been close friends with this girl for awhile, and have completely fallen in love with her. It wasn't hard for her to see that I had these feelings, and sometimes she would want to be very close and intimate with me and sometimes she would be standoffish. This was driving me crazy - I couldn't figure out if she really liked me as more than a friend, or was just enjoying the attention and affection I was showing her. So one night I just laid it on the line and told her that I love her. I mean, I really let it all out. It was like a scene from a Cameron Crowe movie or something - I told her that I wanted to write volumes of poetry about her and stuff like that! Pretty stupid, right? I just couldn't hold my feelings in any longer. Her response that that she really likes me and that I'm the most caring she's ever met, but she doesn't feel we would work out in the long run so she doesn't want to get involved with me for fear of hurting me later. She didn't get weird or ask me to leave or anything. In fact, she asked me to hang out with her two days later, and we still see each other a couple times a week. Obviously she knows I'm crazy about her, and yet she still wants me around. What is she thinking? What should I do? Is it still possible for me to win this girl's heart, and if so how should I go about it without straining our friendship in the meantime?

[CarrieT]

You didn't say how old you and the girl are, but of course it is possible to win her heart. Take a look at one of our Presidents, Harry S. Truman; he was desperate in love with Bess for years. She even turned down a wedding proposal but he persevered and eventually won her heart.

 

And it would make sense to keep you around; girls like to feel adored and I give her kudos for being honest with you about her what her feelings are *now* especially since those feelings could change over time. She's got integrity for being honest with you and not stringing you on which could make her that much more worthy of not dumping her.

[BlueHarvest]

I'm amazed mate. A woman who not only took what you said in stride, but turned around, wasn't creeped out by it, didn't use you as a doormat for self ego-inflation, and was straight honest with you.

 

I'm simply amazed...you have hit the jackpot.

 

My advice (take with a grain of salt mind you): She stated she still wants to hang around with you. She's a straight shooter and she isn't using you. Your feelings for her will not abate so you are left with two options. Continue to pursue your unrequited love until that emotion turns into anger or hatred for her because she never returns your affections. Or find a way to no longer be attracted to her.

 

Those are your two realistic options.

 

There is another option that is realistic but I advice you to use this at your own discretion: If you talked to her recently about it and are still friends....talk to her again. Ask her why she thinks you two wouldn't be good for each other. Let HER tell YOU how SHE feels...She already knows how you feel. When she has told you her feelings let her know that your feelings for her are still as strong. You will eventually have to find a way to work this out but this avenue MIGHT (key word here) open up that path you are seeking.

[Trialbyfire]

Bowie, I give you full credit for letting it all hang out like that. Wish more men were capable of doing so but I do understand why they don't since people in general, due to pride and self-protection, find it difficult to leave themselves vulnerable.

 

Having said that, I think it best if you were to take some serious time away from her so you can evaluate your feelings, while allowing her time to evaluate her own. If she's a real friend, she will understand and respect your choice. If she's keeping you near for self-interest, she won't be so understanding. Do you see how this could be a way for you to gauge her friendship?

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

How romantic.

 

Well, I think that there is a chance. As long as she doesn't mind that you hang out with her etc.

 

In that case you can always try and get closer, listen to her, hug her and so on.

[Dominique]

I think it was unkind of her to ask him to "hang out with her" two days-or whatever it was--after he declared his affections. She knows that he cannot settle for that--one cannot be "just-friends" with a person to whom one is attracted. Only physical distance, such as living in different cities, makes that somewhat possible. Even then it is difficult...

 

What I see her as wanting is the ego-boost from having this level of male desire, male attention around, without the "burden" of reciprocity or making herself vulnerable. She wants him to be "the guy" around her until she finds the guy she truly would like to be with, and perhaps will take advantage of this young man's affections to make those others, for example, jealous, or to use him to bridge gaps between boyfriends (again, the desire for a male presence around is always strong in women no matter).

 

Yes it was kind of her to be up front to him, but it was nothing terribly special. Obviously her sexual attraction is not there, and women can be quite "cold" and straightforward in telling would-be Romeos of her own lack of interest to shoo them away and avoid complications.

 

This is about her, what is convenient for her, in her self-interest, short and long term. No problem with that, really, we all must be fair to ourselves. It is just that I think it is a mistake to see her response and actions as a kind of act of noble graciousness. THey are nothing of the sort.

 

The best thing would be, and would have been, for her to have said: "John" (whomever), I do not see a romantic future between us, so it is best that you concentrate your attentions on another girl whom I would think much better suited for you. I am not the one". She should have then NOT invited him over later. That is cruel, really, as I see it.

 

My advice to the poster is to go away and stay away. Let her go through "bad boyfriends" (let us assume some) and make her appreciate your character, who you are. That is the one chance for her to "realize" who you are. If not, you are still better off cultivating distance and will meet someone else. You stick around like that pining and it will be a disaster.

 

DOM