Finally I received the call I'd wished for for so long

[Geishawhelk]

Is there any way to go about calling him back but maintaining my dignity throughout?

 

Not in a month of sundays.

[Zapbasket]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that maybe you should call him back (after waiting a couple of days). If it goes to voicemail, just say you're returning his call. If he picks up, ask him why he's calling. If he wants to apologize, let him. If he just wants to 'see how you're doing', THEN tell him you don't care to start a friendship with someone who treated you so poorly, and that you're now with someone else. And hang up.

 

The reason I'm encouraging you to call him is that you may find that he's not so worth pining for, that maybe you've built him up in your mind over this time to be something he's not, and that the other guy (and life) you have now are worth so much more.

 

Orangehose, thanks. I talked the whole thing out with my partner and he advised the same thing--that I see what he wants and if it's really just to shoot the breeze as though nothing is wrong, then to cut him off and hang up. My partner says he always has reached out to exes he had any real feelings for, as a way to show that the relationship had meant something to him.

[Zapbasket]

Not in a month of sundays.

 

What do you mean? (I don't know the saying.)

[Zapbasket]

You are not giving the person you are with now enough consideration. You should only talk to your ex if you think you can handle it casually but your post tells me that you cannot. You need to decide (independent of the ex) that you really want to move forward with your new relationship or not. If you clearly do than nothing your ex can say will dissuade you. You can hold that in the forefront of your mind along with how much healing you have done if you talk to your ex. There is nothing wrong with talking to an ex or even having a friendship but only if you are clear that you do not want anything more from it. If you do then you shouldn't be with someone else yet. It sounds like you are very curious... IMHO decide what you feel about your life since the break up, gather strength and call back.

 

Hey LikeCharlotte,

 

You and SimplyCaroline are right. What makes this so hard is that the relationship with my ex ended so suddenly and left me so confused. In the absence of any contact from him and his seeming intransigence regarding talking to or seeing me ever again, I had to artificially sever the ties and FORCE myself to move on with my life. It was a very difficult thing to do. I never wanted the relationship to end; I felt close with him on so many levels; he'd been the most important person ever in my life; it was a huge, huge loss.

 

I've been so proud of myself for moving forward as well as I have. But I still feel confused as to why the relationship with my ex ended. It still sits heavily in me even as I feel joyous about my present life. Even so, the relationship with my current SO is very young--just 8 months as opposed to 5 YEARS with my ex. My ex was my age and had a big family that loved me and that I loved and my current SO has no family and is nearly 20 years older than me. I'm not yet fully convinced that my current SO is the man I should build a life long-term with. Whereas with my ex I was sure I wanted a life with him.

 

I'm in a real bind: call him and potentially find out everything I ever wanted to know, or don't call him and always wonder. Call him, and once again feel degraded and humiliated and disrespected by callousness on his part; or don't call him and lose an opportunity to see just whether there really could be something salvageable between us.

 

I have told my current SO about my ex's call and he supports whatever I choose to do. The thing is, I'm not sure he knows how much I do still think about my ex. The whole thing hurt me so much; I have accepted that it could take a couple more YEARS to really put the whole thing behind me. But when I made that estimate, I was also assuming that I'd never hear from my ex in all that time.

[Geishawhelk]

What do you mean? (I don't know the saying.)

 

I mean there is no way you can contact him and speak with him AND retain your dignity.

You've been waiting and waiting for this call, and now it's on the cards, you're as jittery as a hen on hot eggs....

 

If you do talk to him, I suspect it won't end up dignifed.

Confused? Back to square one? Harmful? Detrimental to your progress?

 

Yes.

 

Dignified?

 

Nope.

[Zapbasket]

I mean there is no way you can contact him and speak with him AND retain your dignity.

You've been waiting and waiting for this call, and now it's on the cards, you're as jittery as a hen on hot eggs....

 

If you do talk to him, I suspect it won't end up dignifed.

Confused? Back to square one? Harmful? Detrimental to your progress?

 

Yes.

 

Dignified?

 

Nope.

 

Bear with me; I'm slow to get this kind of stuff. It's so not in my nature to cut people off. He's reached out for whatever reason; shouldn't I at least see what the reason is?

 

REALLY? There's no dignified way I could call him back, ask him why he called, and just sit back and wait to see what he has to say?

 

Both my mom and one of my best friends think I should not respond. But they both acknowledged that to not respond is much, much easier said than done. They think he hurt me too much in the end for me to just respond. They think that, if he has something he really wants to communicate to me, he should have to work for it the same way I mustered the courage to play all my cards to salvage a better ending of the relationship in the midst of his silence.

[Geishawhelk]

LISTEN to your MOM.

 

Let it go.

Don't invite distress back into your life.

If it's a huge deal, it will only serve to unnerve you and upset the way your life is going.

If it's complete useless trivia - as above!

 

It will mess with your head! Heck, it's already doing that and you haven't even spoken to him yet!!

 

Walk away and ignore it!

 

(PS I'm a mom too...if my daughter was beset with such a problem, I'd give her the same advice as your mom is giving you!)

[Zapbasket]

I can't believe how emotional this has made me. I just returned from a run and took a shower and cried the whole time in the shower. Big, gut-wrenching sobs.

 

It's proof, I suppose, that even though I've done a great job of "moving on" for all intents and purposes, I'm still not over the hurt.

 

And what's worst of all is that even without calling him back I'm finding myself questioning my relationship with my SO (a very young relationship) and feeling like my worst fear is true: that the one who could make me happiest is lost to me forever.

 

Please help me get out of this very bad circle of thought. I haven't fully thought this way for a long time.

[megapositive]

I don't agree that calling him would automatically result in lack of dignity. He has no idea where your head is at. If you can manage to call and listen to his reasons for calling without becoming emotional on the phone, there will be no loss of dignity.

 

Now I agree, just his VM has caused you quite a bit of emotional turmoil, so actually talking with him might bring up so much more. (OR, you could discover he's exactly the same and have one of those WOW moments, and realize how over the true him you really are.) You need to decide if you are ready/willing to risk any emotional aftermath you might experience. On the plus side, it sounds like you have family, friends and a SO who will offer you much support.

 

I don't believe much is actually "detrimental" to our healing process. Things like contact when we have been in NC for a long time (or even a short time) may feel like setbacks, but I believe they are temporary discomforts that we get through and make us stronger. We learn how much contact we can handle (if any), what type of contact we can handle (if any), we learn how long the discomfort lasts, how deep it is, how much "over" the other person we are... and most importantly, we learn how resilient we have become since the last horrible emotional setback we were in.

 

I'm not necessarily saying "definately call him," I'm offering another view besides those that say "avoid any and all discomfort because discomfort is harmful."

[sb129]

Hey GC-

 

How are things going with your SO following your move? I think that should be a good indicator of how you should proceed.

You were so unsure of whether or not you should make the move, however the few things you have said about it on here suggest that things are pretty good, you are talking about this issue with your SO which is a good sign that your R with him is strong enough to handle talking about contact from an ex.

 

And it also sounds like he will support you should you decide to call your ex. I think your SOs advice is a good one- call him back, and if he was just wanting to chat about nothing, cut him off and tell him you don't think that resuming any kind of contact is appropriate. This is what I did when my ex emailed me last year- and I did it with the full knowledge and support of my SO.

 

GOod luck.

[megapositive]

I can't believe how emotional this has made me. I just returned from a run and took a shower and cried the whole time in the shower. Big, gut-wrenching sobs.

 

It's proof, I suppose, that even though I've done a great job of "moving on" for all intents and purposes, I'm still not over the hurt.

 

And what's worst of all is that even without calling him back I'm finding myself questioning my relationship with my SO (a very young relationship) and feeling like my worst fear is true: that the one who could make me happiest is lost to me forever.

 

Please help me get out of this very bad circle of thought. I haven't fully thought this way for a long time.

 

Considering how many emotions his VM has brought to the surface, perhaps just waiting for a while is best. There's no reason you have to call him today, tomorrow, or even next week, if ever. Take your time.

[Zapbasket]

My thoughts are really going haywire and I could use any help to get this sorted out.

 

SB129, my current SO has been, so far, very loving, generous, responsive and true to his word ever since I moved in with him. I think because the relationship is so young I'm still not certain he's "the one": I see things that suggest our age difference might be a big challenge long-term and I find myself yearning for the company of people my age. I felt this way especially after attending a wedding of one of his 40-something friends and I was by far the youngest adult in attendance. The woman next to me at the wedding dinner even asked me how old I was, "because," she said, "I noticed you don't have any wrinkles." I felt kind of out of my element.

 

But here's the mixed-up thinking I have now, regarding my current SO and my ex:

 

I feel like my ex matched more of what I wanted for my future. He was my age, my equal in education, above-average height like me, and with athletic/artistic/intellectual interests like me. And he had this big, warm, loving, intelligent, non-intrusive, supportive family; all of them seemed to really like me; my ex said to me that I was like a cross between his mom and his dad and that he'd never seen his dad respond to anyone the way he responded to me. We both come from the same cultural milieu.

 

My current partner, on the other hand, is almost 20 years older and came from a very unhappy family life, with no siblings. His parents are dead and he has no contact with any of the rest of his family. He talks all the time about how much his mother hurt him, and has a bit of an attitude of "I got the short end of the stick" in life, which while I understand iin terms of its origins, I also can see would get really tiring year after year, especially with children in the mix. He's older and while on the one hand he's really healthy and athletic, he has some health problems and also BOTH his parents had Parkinson's disease. He is very smart and affectionate, like my ex, but has an angry edge due to feeling like he's had to do everything by himself in life. Also, at age 49, he's never married, never had a relationship last beyond 3 years, and now that I've been living with him for nearly 2 months I can see he's been single for too long--very stubborn, entrenched, even while he tries not to be that way. He can be exhausting sometimes.

 

I felt like my ex and his milieu represented much more the kind of future I want to have, and the kind of context in which I'd want to raise children. Also, I just felt a connection with my ex perhaps due to our age-similarity or perhaps other factors...but it was a connection that I just don't feel so much with my current SO. My current SO has a very strong personality that can be a little grating in the extent of how irreverent he can be. And I feel a little out of my element with his friends that are so much older than me. I just don't feel like I have things in common with them.

 

And in all this, enter my ex. I'm as afraid to hear that he wants to get back together as I am to hear that he just called to say hi and doesn't ever want to get back together with me. Because if the latter, I'll feel like somehow I missed the chance to have a nice, loving family, one like I always yearned for; and to be with someone who can go through life's stages with me, someone who is very financially secure even at this age and that could provide a much more stable environment for us to have children.

 

I guess I just feel like I irrevocably lost something that is far better than anything I have now. And I feel very guilty that these feelings are surfacing, and confused.

[tinke]

Greencove, Greencove, Greencove...

 

My, MY, what a dilemna!

 

Well you know how I feel from previous posts, I believe there is nothing wrong with making contact, particularly if it will create some calm to your unanswered questions.

 

I do wholeheartedly agree that you may learn he is NOT worthy of the high praise you had bestowed upon him. Hearing him in a different light may be just what is needed, he may not be that person you held in high esteem with your past memories. Knowing this can bring some relief!

 

Take into consideration your current SO's illness and its effects(as you've described them) may interfere with your thinking.

It appears you are able to communicate and get some expressions from your SO, that is something you claimed you longed for in a R. Something your ex was incapable of.

 

I remember the pain and heartache this break-up has caused you...the confusion, disbelief.

It would be so very easy to say..don"t open yourself up to hear from him again. But, from your past posts, you will probably wonder the reason for his contact over and over again.

 

I would have to agree with IF you do decide to call, let him do the talking...stay cool.

After all, he made the contact.

 

Been thinking of you, wondering how your move was coming along.

 

Best to you in whatever you decide!

[corazoncito]

Greencove, I think it would help to step back and take a wider perspective on your circumstances, because I gather from what you've written that you see this as having to choose between your ex or with your current boyfriend. The truth is you don't have to be with either one.

 

It sounds like a the type of person your ex is (in terms of age, interests, background, education, etc) is really what you are looking for in a partner. It just happens that this particular person had some fundamental incompatibilities. That doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there with similar qualities who wouldn't be compatible with you. Your current boyfriend doesn't sound like a bad guy, but he also doesn't sound like someone you'll be able to build a life with long-term. Can you imagine yourself living with him for the next 20 years? Raising a family (does he want children too)?

 

I know it's hard to do since you are living together, but maybe you can find a way to step back and give yourself a little space and time to decide what you really want for you. It doesn't have to be an "either/or" with these two particular men.

[Melrapuo]

If you can call him back knowing that you can handle anything he says to you - whether it be just a hi or saying he made a mistake - then I'd go for it. But if you are not prepared for any level of disappointment at all, then I'd leave it be. If you can get easily hurt by him having nothing more to do than say hi, then I'd just continue on with life.

[Zapbasket]

I don't agree that calling him would automatically result in lack of dignity. He has no idea where your head is at. If you can manage to call and listen to his reasons for calling without becoming emotional on the phone, there will be no loss of dignity.

 

Now I agree, just his VM has caused you quite a bit of emotional turmoil, so actually talking with him might bring up so much more. (OR, you could discover he's exactly the same and have one of those WOW moments, and realize how over the true him you really are.) You need to decide if you are ready/willing to risk any emotional aftermath you might experience. On the plus side, it sounds like you have family, friends and a SO who will offer you much support.

 

I don't believe much is actually "detrimental" to our healing process. Things like contact when we have been in NC for a long time (or even a short time) may feel like setbacks, but I believe they are temporary discomforts that we get through and make us stronger. We learn how much contact we can handle (if any), what type of contact we can handle (if any), we learn how long the discomfort lasts, how deep it is, how much "over" the other person we are... and most importantly, we learn how resilient we have become since the last horrible emotional setback we were in.

 

I'm not necessarily saying "definately call him," I'm offering another view besides those that say "avoid any and all discomfort because discomfort is harmful."

 

Thanks for your replies, Megapositive. I think you're right that nothing is necessarily "detrimental" to growth, especially given that ideally you want to be in a place where you are able to receive all that comes at you. But I'm so afraid of feeling used again. I know at least at one time, my ex loved me as best he was capable, otherwise he'd not have stayed with me all that time, at sacrifice to him. But when I look back over the relationship, I realize that I let a lot of things slide that really were unacceptable, and I feel like I betrayed myself, in that I didn't stand up for myself within the relationship in a way that was productive either to me or to the relationship. I feel like the relationship's demise prompted me to examine how I set up boundaries, because I did feel at the end that my ex showed me no respect, and I had to take some of the blame because I allowed it. I'm afraid of his being cool or callous towards my feelings, and I'm afraid that maybe he's calling me after all this time just out of curiosity, not out of caring.

 

I guess, when an ex contacts out of the blue whom you expected never to contact you, you have to take time to adjust yourself to the fact that there was contact.... It's like someone returning from the dead.

 

And it's strange and confusing that I have no idea what, really, I want out of his contact. What will come of it that will make me feel better? For my ego's purposes, the only thing I really want to hear is that he feels after all this time that he made a mistake, that he let go of the best thing that could ever have come his way, and he wants me back. ANything less I feel will just be a painful reminder of all that was lost.

 

I have this sinking fear that he may be the best I'll ever have, in terms of social stability. I certainly can envision a better relationship than we had--but I believed and to some unknown extent still do believe that we could have grown together to make our relationship better.

 

I guess I harbor hope that we could still get back together.

[Zapbasket]

Greencove, I think it would help to step back and take a wider perspective on your circumstances, because I gather from what you've written that you see this as having to choose between your ex or with your current boyfriend. The truth is you don't have to be with either one.

 

It sounds like a the type of person your ex is (in terms of age, interests, background, education, etc) is really what you are looking for in a partner. It just happens that this particular person had some fundamental incompatibilities. That doesn't mean that there isn't someone else out there with similar qualities who wouldn't be compatible with you. Your current boyfriend doesn't sound like a bad guy, but he also doesn't sound like someone you'll be able to build a life with long-term. Can you imagine yourself living with him for the next 20 years? Raising a family (does he want children too)?

 

I know it's hard to do since you are living together, but maybe you can find a way to step back and give yourself a little space and time to decide what you really want for you. It doesn't have to be an "either/or" with these two particular men.

 

Corazoncito, you responded to some of my earliest posts on this board with some wonderfully sage advice. I haven't seen you around much of late and I'm so glad you posted here...again with really sage advice. Thanks

 

Very good points you make. Maybe if nothing else comes of it, I can at least feel solace in knowing that this call gave me another angle in learning what I really need in a long-term relationship. It may enable me to become closer to my current SO; it may give me the insight that spurs me to part ways with my SO. I know that if my ex and I have a conversation, no matter what it's going to cause me to see things differently than I have. I may feel worse for a while, but maybe then at least I'll have the solace of no longer harboring this now-deep-seated feeling of bewilderment and abandonment regarding what to date was a huge part of my life.

 

I just so don't want to have to hear again that while he's sorry (if he is) for how he acted in the end, and while he cares about me (if in fact he does) as a person, he doesn't want me back, hasn't wanted me back, and can't imagine ever wanting me back.

 

Maybe I'm just too vain to ever accept a demotion from "partner" to "friend."

[Zapbasket]

If you can call him back knowing that you can handle anything he says to you - whether it be just a hi or saying he made a mistake - then I'd go for it. But if you are not prepared for any level of disappointment at all, then I'd leave it be. If you can get easily hurt by him having nothing more to do than say hi, then I'd just continue on with life.

 

I'd love to experience him fighting for me the way I fought for him. It's felt so degrading to think of us being together for 5 years and for most of that time it was I wanting him and the relationship, more than he ever wanted me. But of course, whether that's true is only speculation on my part; I fear I'll never get those answers.

[Zapbasket]

Greencove, Greencove, Greencove...

 

My, MY, what a dilemna!

 

Well you know how I feel from previous posts, I believe there is nothing wrong with making contact, particularly if it will create some calm to your unanswered questions.

 

I do wholeheartedly agree that you may learn he is NOT worthy of the high praise you had bestowed upon him. Hearing him in a different light may be just what is needed, he may not be that person you held in high esteem with your past memories. Knowing this can bring some relief!

 

Take into consideration your current SO's illness and its effects(as you've described them) may interfere with your thinking.

It appears you are able to communicate and get some expressions from your SO, that is something you claimed you longed for in a R. Something your ex was incapable of.

 

I remember the pain and heartache this break-up has caused you...the confusion, disbelief.

It would be so very easy to say..don"t open yourself up to hear from him again. But, from your past posts, you will probably wonder the reason for his contact over and over again.

 

I would have to agree with IF you do decide to call, let him do the talking...stay cool.

After all, he made the contact.

 

Been thinking of you, wondering how your move was coming along.

 

Best to you in whatever you decide!

 

Hey Tinke!!!

 

I've been wondering about you, too. I hope you are well and happy! We were co-commiserators during the dark times of all our shock at being so abruptly and definitively discarded. And lo, time has passed, and there is contact. Do you think a person who leaves us as ours left us will ever recognize the haze of hurt they caused by their actions?

 

You make good points--maybe I'll be so disappointed by my ex's reason for calling and handling of himself that it will be the final "blow" that will knock him at last off of the pedestal of "he was the one for me and I lost him" upon which a part of me still places him. And you're right, it's ironic that he'd call right when I was really feeling doubtful about my current SO's rightness for me given certain attitudes that I can see would be quite a drain to deal with long-term.

 

I probably won't be able to help myself from returning his call, and I do plan to play it cool and make him work for it, not fill in the silences to make it less awkward for both of us. He SHOULD feel awkward. I probably won't be able to help returning his call, because I have an almost PERVERSE curiosity; with most things I'd rather make a go of it and find out whatever there is to find out, then not. Still, I'm tired of feeling taken advantage of by people who don't have my best interests at heart. I'll be so angry if he's a prick to me.

 

I just am DYING to know, however:

 

WHY, AFTER ALL THIS TIME AND ALL THAT HEARTACHE, IS HE FINALLY CALLING ME?

 

As always, bunnies of good wishes to you, Tinke. I'd love to hear how you are doing. :bunny::bunny:

[Rafa]

I just am DYING to know, however:

 

WHY, AFTER ALL THIS TIME AND ALL THAT HEARTACHE, IS HE FINALLY CALLING ME?

 

Then I would definitely call him... or contact him in some other way (text, email, if it's easier), and just ask him straight up "why are you calling"? Like you said, play it cool but jump straight in with the question, and if you sense he's just being a prick, then make it a short conversation.

The thing is if you don't call him, you'll always wonder what he wanted, which will drive you mad.

 

Good luck greencove. And remember we'll be here for you if he's just playing games.

[Lishy]

GC, if you can handle ANY respone he may give you then call him and put yourself out of your misery

 

You may be able to handle any outcome or you may not, only you know this!

 

Be honest with yourself and do whatever makes you feel better

 

Let us know how you get on ok?

[Nemo]

It sounds like he wants you back! The "no contact" thing has paid off. Congratulations!

[sunshinegirl]

I'll feel like somehow I missed the chance to have a nice, loving family, one like I always yearned for; and to be with someone who can go through life's stages with me, someone who is very financially secure even at this age and that could provide a much more stable environment for us to have children.

 

I guess I just feel like I irrevocably lost something that is far better than anything I have now.

 

Hi sweetie, I haven't responded as much here b/c I'm overseas for work. Huge hugs to you!!!

 

I don't have much advice, but a couple of thoughts:

 

If/when you contact him, make SURE to make HIM do the talking. My guess is that you have a lot of things you'd like to say to him, but what's more important right now is understanding what's in his head. I'm fearful that when you ask why he's calling, he'll say some lame stupid thing like "I just wanted to say hi and see how you're doing." And then you'll be tempted to read more into even a statement as simple as that, but the thing is -- he owes you SO MUCH MORE than that. Don't forget how awfully and cruelly he left you. If he doesn't recognize the shyttiness of what he did, apologize (profusely!) for it, explain it, and otherwise grovel, you need to remember that any continued contact with him means you are accepting someone back into your life who is capable of destroying you without remorse. And you won't be loving yourself enough if you overlook this deep character flaw.

 

Someone else put it well -- your ex may be the KIND of guy you want, but he may not be the SPECIFIC guy for you. I don't know why you feel like he's your only chance to have a nice, loving family - where is that coming from? You're beautiful, smart, loving, kind - there's no chance on this planet that there won't be more compatible men and love in your future.

 

Speaking of which, it really sounds like your current SO isn't going to be the man for you long-term. Apart from your unresolved feelings for your ex, you are describing some significant compatibility issues. The age difference isn't trivial, among other things.

 

But it sounds as though right now you see your life as "well, it's either my current SO or the ex". That's simply not how life works. There are any number of men who could be amazing matches for you, beyond this pool of two.

 

For now, though: breathe. You don't have to decide anything, or do anything, right now. You're feeling a lot of things and it's okay to just sit with them for a bit before you make moves in any direction.

 

(((hugs)))

 

SSG

[corazoncito]

Corazoncito, you responded to some of my earliest posts on this board with some wonderfully sage advice. I haven't seen you around much of late and I'm so glad you posted here...again with really sage advice. Thanks

 

Hey, thanks! I'm glad I've had some useful ideas for you. I've been lurking on and off, but came out of "retirement" just for you!

 

You know, I think it's a matter of first thing first. I'd talk to your ex to see why he called. Right now it's too easy to jump to conclusions. Like another poster said, let him do most of the talking. Any awkward silences, don't jump to fill them. Wait for him. This gives you a chance to see what he really wants and to decide how you feel about that. Maybe he wants to reconcile. Maybe he feels guilty about how things ended and he wants to have one last civil conversation with you. Maybe he wants to try to build a friendship. None of us can tell you that. But, whatever he wants, that doesn't have to be what you want. Don't feel rushed to make any promises or commitments to him. Reflect first on what you want and need.

 

Maybe if nothing else comes of it, I can at least feel solace in knowing that this call gave me another angle in learning what I really need in a long-term relationship. It may enable me to become closer to my current SO; it may give me the insight that spurs me to part ways with my SO. I know that if my ex and I have a conversation, no matter what it's going to cause me to see things differently than I have. I may feel worse for a while, but maybe then at least I'll have the solace of no longer harboring this now-deep-seated feeling of bewilderment and abandonment regarding what to date was a huge part of my life.

 

This is a constructive way to think about it. But I think it's important to not set too many expectation for this conversation. While it may clear up everything for you, it could also leave you just as confused as before. If that happens, you will have to provide your own closure to yourself. And I would add that while I think I understand what you mean about this conversation may help you decide how to handle your relationship with your current SO, that really has nothing to do with your ex and what he thinks/feels. Your needs and reasons to continue or part ways with your SO are all within you already. Trust your own judgment and instincts.

 

I just so don't want to have to hear again that while he's sorry (if he is) for how he acted in the end, and while he cares about me (if in fact he does) as a person, he doesn't want me back, hasn't wanted me back, and can't imagine ever wanting me back.

 

Maybe I'm just too vain to ever accept a demotion from "partner" to "friend."

 

I think that's totally fair on your part. Just because you part ways with someone, even on good terms, doesn't mean you need to end up "friends".

[gd26]

 

Someone else put it well -- your ex may be the KIND of guy you want, but he may not be the SPECIFIC guy for you. I don't know why you feel like he's your only chance to have a nice, loving family - where is that coming from? You're beautiful, smart, loving, kind - there's no chance on this planet that there won't be more compatible men and love in your future.

 

Speaking of which, it really sounds like your current SO isn't going to be the man for you long-term. Apart from your unresolved feelings for your ex, you are describing some significant compatibility issues. The age difference isn't trivial, among other things.

 

But it sounds as though right now you see your life as "well, it's either my current SO or the ex". That's simply not how life works. There are any number of men who could be amazing matches for you, beyond this pool of two.

 

I very much agree. It doesn't sound like either of these guys are right for you. Your current boyfriend and yourself seem to have major compatibility issues. And while your ex was your type, he irrevocably damaged any future chance of a relationship with you by being emotionally abusive. When someone treats another human being with such disrespect, the person has serious issues. Can you imagine a long term future and having kids with that man someday? Would he be any kind of mature role model for your family? Don't you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who adores you and makes you special, and never in a million years would ever treat you like garbage?

 

As far as if he wanted you back, it's possible... although if he really wanted you, you don't have to worry about calling him back.... as he certainly would call back again if he was REALLY interested. If someone really wants you, they usually have a way to express it. One call (with no follow up) to me just might mean, I'm feeling lonely/bored/having some personal issues right now, and just felt like chatting. I mean, if someone realizes how cruel he was... then obviously he can't just expect you to pick up the phone and pretend everything's normal. On the other hand, if he doesn't get how cruel he was... then why talk to him anyways?

 

My personal feeling is that the damage with the ex is not repairable. It can only be somewhat repairable if he is willing to move mountains for you to get you back... and so far he hasn't done that. He has to be willing to tell you how horrible his behavior was, show understanding of how it must have made you feel, why he somehow thought it was acceptable at the time, why he'll never do it again, what the consequences will be if he ever acts in such a way etc. He doesn't seem to have done any of that yet so far. And the thing is... the effort has to come from HIS side, not yours. You can't make him feel any of these things, or want to change, or understand you. You can't facilitate his change... as if you push these ideas on him, then it's clear he doesn't get it, and things will only fall apart in the future and you will go through hurt all over again when he rejects you. That's why I say move on from him, don't bother calling, etc... as he clearly doesn't get it. And if by some tiny chance he did... he would be the one totally pursuing you to let you know how much he wanted you.

 

As far as your current boyfriend goes, he may not be your type, but he doesn't deserve to get hurt from any of this. He didn't do anything wrong. It was you who chose to get involved with someone that you knew from the beginning you weren't compatible with. I don't know why you settled, but you seriously need to do some self-reflection why you get with guys who aren't right for you. Are you so lonely that you need someone, anyone, to show you attention? I think it's important for you to understand why you end up settling like that, so you don't end up hurting yourself or anyone else again... as it's totally unfair to both of you.

 

I personally think the most sensible thing would be to ignore your ex, and take time off from relationships to find out what you really want in a guy. And the next guy you get involved with should BOTH be your type, as well as treat you totally right.