Finally I received the call I'd wished for for so long

[tinke]

Greencove,

I've been thinking of you and hope you are doing well.

 

Just a glimpse from your previous posts, I believe you are not one to react quickly, and wondering of your decision to return your ex's call.

 

Putting myself in your shoes, as we had similar situations, I would embrace the opportunity to call him back. Now in reality, the hurt he has caused and the sting that still remains in the manner in which he left, caused irreverible damage. But, I would love to tell him that!

Because, mainly I do not believe many folks realize the pain they cause by simply leaving without explanation. Not through bitterness, but I believe it may aid to the healing, speaking for myself, of course.

 

take care of yourself and keep us posted.

bunnies to you!

[Zapbasket]

Hi everyone,

 

Please forgive me for leaving you hanging, especially when my last communications mentioned a horrible migraine. Well, on that latter front, the migraine seems to have been hormone related, given I took Plan B the week before and the migraine finally began to subside after I got my period. Hopefully it was just a one-time thing, and not going to be a monthly norm (which it is, I've heard, for some women--if anyone experiences monthly migraines you have my deepest compassion!).

 

After I last posted I stayed away from LS, just because I was trying to stay away from the whole situation of my ex calling me. And no, I haven't returned his call. It's so strange, what I have been feeling about it...and I hope my sharing these feelings both informs you kind souls who've been wondering how I've been, as well as helps those who are struggling with NC or with being contacted by an ex.

 

Some of you might remember back when I was struggling with whether to call my ex, to feel out his openness for some kind of reconciliation, or at least conversation about our relationship and how and why it fell apart. Back then, I deliberated and deliberated, knowing that I probably SHOULDN'T call because I'd just get hurt, but equally knowing that the impulse to call was so irrational that it would win me over no matter how much I weighed the pros and cons of making the call. Now, ironically enough, I seem to be in the opposite position.

 

Now, I have sat with it for nearly 4 weeks, and there's a part of me that really truly wants to return his call, both because I care about him and a sliver of me irrationally wishes for a reconciliation, and because I am wildly curious to find out what he wanted, and how our conversation would go, and how he'd react to things, and what he'd have to say about us or his life, etc. This time, I've been feeling like I SHOULD call--I mean, he didn't have to reach out, and he WAS a huge part of my life for a long time and a part of me will always care for him--but equally feeling this irrational barrier that Just. Will. NOT. Let Me Make that Return Call. So what's happened is that after my migraine subsided, I'd say every day that today was the day, adn then find some reason why it wasn't a good time, and convince myself that I'd do it the NEXT day only to have the same thing happen. So, just as a year or so ago an irrational part of me took over and led me to call him when I knew it was a bad idea, now an irrational part of me seems to have taken over and is leading me NOT to call him even while I really, really want to.

 

Strange, isn't it?

 

It's certainly not easy. I still wish I could call him. A part of me still pushes me to just do it. It hurts me at times to imagine the possibility that my not returning his call might hurt him, make him wonder if I ever cared, make him wonder if our whole relationship was a mere farce, and a waste. I have cried at times, and I've wished (and still wish) that he would make a second gesture--write me a letter, for instance, or an e-mail, or call again and really lay on the line what he wants, why he felt the need to call.

 

But then I feel like, well, I don't think he was calling for "an ego boost"; he's really not a jerk like that. My best guess is that, if he wasn't calling to feel out the possibility for a reconciliation, or out of some retarded notion that you can end things with someone the way he did and then just call them up a couple of years later "to say hi" (I really want to believe he's not that retarded), then he called because he had some realization about some aspect of his life and either is reaching out to confirm something through talking to me, or to assuage a feeling of nostalgia or guilt or emptiness. And if either scenario is true, then I know I cannot help him, just as he could not help me when I struggled with the reality that our relationship was over and I was now faced with the task of embarking on a whole new life and set of plans. I successfully did it: I created my own closure sufficient to enable me to move forward, better my life and even to love again. He must do this on his own, as well. I don't need any "healing" from him and I don't really feel inclined to make his healing easier for him. I worry that that is small of me, but at the same time I feel like, small or not, it IS justified.

 

ANd what if he's just reaching out because he cares? one might ask. I've asked myself that many times. I don't like "tit for tat" attitudes in relationships and I'm not proud of the "tit for tat" sentiments in the above paragraph. I'm sure there's a part of him that DOES care, a whole lot. I felt that from him even as I felt the insecurity, the resentment and the ambivalence that emanated from him during our relationship. But whether his "just called to say hi; wanted to see whether we could talk in the near future" was due to his caring, yes, but not caring ENOUGH to make a heartfelt overture (ie, "I'd really like to talk to you because..."; "I'm sorry I ended things the way I did and I would really like to talk with you, though I understand if...")--or whether it was due to his having reached a more stable place in his feelings about me or our ended relationship and wanting to acknowledge what we had through some form of reaching out, I don't think it's enough for me.

 

I find myself feeling guilty that I'm saying "I want more." I mean, my big hurt was that he never once contacted me until now. And now he finally contacts me, and still it's "not good enough." I mean, how entitled and unrealistic and picky can a person be? Or such is what I say to myself at times. When someone reaches out, you don't sit and pick apart the FORM of their reaching out; it's the GESTURE that's important. Right? Or so I tell myself sometimes.

 

But then I feel like, when someone cuts you completely out of their life, if they change their mind later on, they just can't expect that it's just a matter of calling them up "to say hi." That's not being stubborn, it's being self-protective--and very justifiably so. That's also what I've told myself.

 

What hurts, as time grinds on into the great unknown, is knowing that it's very possible that this will be the last contact, and whatever his reason for calling, my silence will cause him to put his blinders back on and focus on continuing to move forward with his life. This may have been his final check-in before he clears out his psyche for a new relationship (he has not had one yet--I know this from my online snooping...yes, I know, bad). And so, even though I thought the final goodbye was well over a year ago, in truth this call is the final goodbye. And that brings up a whole bunch of new hurt, rubs raw the wound that has long been covered over with scar tissue. I'm aware though, that even if I call him back and we talk, that, too, could be the Final Goodbye. And how horrible would that feel? To talk, have old hopes stirred up again or dashed again, to open up to him and then never hear froom him again? Noooooooo.

 

It's very, very hard. I can't see the good in his calling me...though maybe as more time passes I'll be grateful for even that tiny acknowledgement that even after all this time, he's not entirely indifferent to me; that even after all this time, he does, indeed, still think of me...and not all negative, GreenCove-bashing thoughts. I do wish he'd try again. But I know not to expect it. It's so sad. It reminds me of what the therapist said, the one I saw after the breakup up through the beginning of this year: "Sometimes love dies very hard...and sometimes, not at all."

 

Thanks so much, everyone, for your concern. It means a lot to me.

 

(And Tinke, bunnies back to you! :bunny::bunny::bunny:)

[Lishy]

Bloody hell woman!! about time lol

 

I am glad you didnt call back and also glad you are still alive lol

 

You made the best choice hopefully and kudos to you for not jumping in

[Zapbasket]

lol Lishy, thanks! I'm sorry for the long silence...I just truly didn't know what to do...it's really thrown me for a loop. I don't know that I've made a firm decision one way or other, but it seems I'm being prevented by some inner force from returning the call. I hope this "inner force" is much wiser than I am.

 

And I'm sorry about your friends. That's really frightening. Hope they're ok now.

[tinke]

G.C., glad to hear you're doing ok. Not surprised at the lull in your response, seems to be your nature.

 

Can truly understand your position for not calling, but ask yourself, down the road, is it something you will continue to wonder? From your description of him and his lack of expressing himself, it's most doubtful that he will try again, no?

 

Only you know what is right for you.

The best to you with whatever you decide.

[MichiganMan222]

If it were me, I would send a very dry email saying "Missed your call. What do you need?" and I would have no expectations whatsoever. And then he may specify in the reply exactly what he wants. If its something to the effect of 'just saying hi', then I wouldn't bother responding. But at least you can find out.

 

Bad idea?

[Jmina]

Hey, ive read a few pages of replies to your post.. and my reply will probably be long...im pretty much known for long posts sorry about that lol

i really want to talk to you about my story because i think i know exactly how youve felt about wanting this contact and being so overwhelmed that its happened. i havnt been on love shack in months and today when im thinking abotu how long its been and contact i sign into love shack and then i read your heading!.

 

i clicked it because after my ex left me 16 months ago, i still miss her. I still wish shed contact me... like you i dont think she will for a long time - if ever.

 

i too have read others posting about their ex contacting them and id give a sigh thinking it will never be like that for me. especially because its been 16 months and in that time she has asked for distance and that its too early for contact. (we had an amazingly close bond and connection. my ex loved me when she left and i loved her - but emotionally i wasnt in a position to be with anyone and she wasnt either really, she felt it was time to leave and to move on to get her life where she wanted it to be- we had both gone through a really tough time with illnesses and family illnesses. she was sure it would be okay and that we would be good friends one day, but i was so weak and devestated at the time and for a long time after i couldnt let it go. so i pushed her away by being needy and stalkerish and wanting to fix things and make it all better - anything to get her love and care back. but i needed to leave it. i may have pushed her away for good.)

 

at the same time i have this spot in me that belives she will come back because we meant so much to each other in many ways other than romantically. for me the romantic feelings have pretty much dissolved. but i do love her dearly as a person. we had a once in a life time connection - but it ended up so messy, i dont know if she will want to ever rekindle it, or recreate it.

 

most of the time really, i think that not enough has changed yet and that both of us arent ready. not really... we are both busy chasing our dreams...why stop now to bring up the past? why go searching for each other when it would obviously bring up old wounds.

 

but also deep down i really hope she does. i still love her from afar - i also have managed to get so much positive stuff out of the tragedy. it was a turning point in my life and so i had everything to gain. i am so much happier and healthier and stronger and i hold so much more knoweldge and philosophies ,my heart is still open and my mind..wow!!!! it used to be so naive and closed. and ive worked through forgiving her and myself simply for leaving me and felt the anger and resentment. my main concern was to feel everything there is to feel so i came out of it the same way i went in - but with even more good stuff under my belt. i even lost baggage i had from growing up in the healing process. =)

 

i think in 'getting over it' many people who find themselves stuck make it harder and slower by two things.

 

a)doing new things and having new experiences alone without clearing their system of feelings and thoughts. in the long run they will come back

 

b)clearing their system of feelings and thoughts when they come up but not taking the inititave to go out and do new things and make new experiences after.

 

i think the good combination is to clear your head by writing it out and talking it out (even if its the same thing over and over) then once your clear for direction go do something asap something you love, something fun, rewarding, learn, teach, get back to nature - whatever you have a passion for or find a new passion. other wise if you stay in your comfy room and only sit and think and write etc you just get sad. and then the cycle goes on.

 

oh and if you do choose to write (maybe you already do) "you dont write to be understood. you write to understand"

 

anyway

 

my advice to you isnt about contacting or not contacting your ex. i dont think the answer lies there at all. I think the answer lies within yourself and if you are willing to forgive your ex or not. deep down we have to forgive others to let ourselves free whether they say sorry or not. your ex obviously misses the company from you, and is probably curious about what your up to. he probably brought you up in a conversation and has been wondering since. i dont think hes ringing you at all to apologise. i think its all about him, and nothing to do with you. and if he does apologise its most likely to rid himself of any left over guilt and you will sense this and it will make you angry because the apolgy will seem to belittle you.

 

which is why i think it is important for you to focus on yourself again. make your life about you. do the things you love and think abotu what you deserve. then go for it. as much as i would love to say, and as much as i hope for me sometimes, i do not think he has what you want and need anymore. i think he is thinking of himself and his needs in contacting you. - it reaks of it. if it was something special if it was meant to be - you would have different questions abotu this all because he would have approached it different.

 

pull the focus back onto you. and while your there. dig deep. "if your trying to get down to the heart of the matter, i think its something to do with forgiveness, even if he doesnt love you anymore"

 

forgiving is the key to letting go.

love doesnt hurt. how can loving someone hurt you? it doesnt. it is is okay to love someone from afar! every love has a rainbow even if its unrequited. if you love him romantically then some things need letting go...but you dont have to stop loving anyone. ever.

 

love wouldnt be love if it hurt us. its the things that come along with it that hurt us. like pining. like staying in the past, or worrying/anticipating the future. if you actually bring yourself back into the moment - there is nothing wrong. (your ex contacted you days ago now. there is nothing wrong anymore. your healthy, young, and grateful this is all that matters)

 

i suggest writing all your thoughts out onto paper. thoughts are "i feel like" "i feel as if" "i feel s/he" these are not feelings they are thoughts. because they take the focus of you and onto them. which is hard to handle.

 

now write your feelings out. these are simply " i feel ..." followed by sad, happy, not good enough, alone - full stop.

 

write out how much you miss your ex, and how much you wish he did it differently how much you did it differently, but at the end of the day it will come back to how he hurt you and hwo much you loved him. (love him) this is what you will find your freedom in.

 

you cant possibly return his call and end up okay. because you havnt forgiven him and no he wont be apologising out the kindness of his heart.

 

you need to work on you. forgive. heal. gratitude. keep your heart and mind wide open. then maybe you could think about returning the call but that is months maybe years down the track.

 

keep posting.

 

Thoughtfully and sincerly

Jmina

[selena_cat]

hey,Greencove

 

I believe you did the right thing not calling him,he could have easily called you again just make an effort. i had an ex called me after i touched base with his mom who i absolutely adored,so its really her i wanted to say hi to since i havent spken to her,nor him and say,8 years!! he heard that i called and she gave him my info which i didnt mind.

so heMr. Thang called last month and left a short voice msg saying hi its been a long time,liked to knwo what you've been up to, and i have i heard from him again,? nope, he's the one who was the player and broke it off,So you did right by not responding, of course you will always wonder

but that means your'e strong enough to do the right thing.

i dont know how its going with your current guy but you shouldnt settle either if youre not interested in him,but at least you kow not to treat others like you have been treated,most people dont learn that lesson.

You say youre in NYC, girl when i go up there for Christmas,thats my hometown,we should hang out in the Village,or the upper East or West side and go meet cute guys!

[sunshinegirl]

Really liked jmina's post, esp this part:

 

my advice to you isnt about contacting or not contacting your ex. i dont think the answer lies there at all. I think the answer lies within yourself and if you are willing to forgive your ex or not. deep down we have to forgive others to let ourselves free whether they say sorry or not.

 

...and...we have to forgive ourselves.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

If your ex cared about you and wanted you back, he would have tried back again and again. He really doesn't.

[Freedom Now]

Exactly what I was thinking...

 

He never tried to call you again in all this time.

 

That speaks volumes.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks to all of you for the replies. So much to respond to I don't know where to begin.

 

First, Tinke, you're probably right, that by not calling I'll find myself wondering, for a long time, what his intent was, etc. It's hard to turn off that impulse not to find out. I'm going to try not to dwell in that "wondering" place and instead focus on what I think I know: that I'm just not ready at this time to call him back. I still have him vested, in my mind, with too much power to hurt me.

 

That's because, I think, I haven't yet fully found the answers to the questions our relationship's demise raised for me, and if I engage with him now in any way the only way I'll feel good about our interchange is if we have a discussion that gives me some of those answers. And I know--having learned the hard way--that he can't provide me with those answers, only time and new relationships and my ongoing work on myself as a person will provide me with those answers. I do hope that one day we will be able to talk, where we're both in a place where we don't need to seek any answers or clarification from the other person. And while I know that no one but he really has an inkling of what prompted him to call me, I do strongly suspect that he called hoping an interaction with me will help clarify some lingering question for him. On some level. And as long as that dynamic is in play on either side, any interchange we have will be unsatisfactory--at least for me.

 

Jmina, thanks much for your reply; I always have valued your posts on LS. (And as you can see, I also tend towards longer posts! ) What you say is all very wise and I see the value of your suggestion that I not return his call and just continue moving forward both by the power of reflection as well as the power of positive ACTION. I think I'm doing that; I do feel besieged by this lingering notion, though, that my ex's rejection of me is some kind of statement that I am not good enough to have a big, loving family...and I KNOW that's completely irrational. Nevertheless, it's hard to shake off, even now. Every time it comes up, I confront it with a vociferous negation and a renewed determination to work towards building a family of my OWN.

 

I, like you, feel like I've gained much in the loss of this relationship. Isn't it ironic? Loss can be a wonderful teacher...not that I particularly relish the idea of further wonderful lessons begotten through more loss! But I know one day I will fully emerge from all lingering grip of the loss of this relationship and I will be amazed at how far I've come, how much stronger I am, how--dare I say it--GRATEFUL I will be for goign through all I went through. We see it all the time here on LS--people saying how ended relationships made them so much wiser and richer as people after all the pain and shock was worked through.

 

I don't know that I've fully forgiven him for how coldly he ended our relationship. Which is also why I agree with you that it's best I not return his contact for now.

[Meet 4 Coffee]

A former boyfriend of 2 years from a few years ago broke up with me once. A few months later he called the same way yours did. I didn't pickup. Next he was not onlyl calling me daily, begging to talk to me, but was sending me flowers.

If he wanted you back and cared about you and felt as if you were "the one" he would be more persistent in his desire to talk to you. I think he probably just feels guilty that he treated you crappily, but doesn't want a relationship with you romantically. Perhaps he got engaged and wanted to tell you first so you wouldn't find out through someone else. But it wasn't to get back together, it was to clear his conscience.

[Sysyphus28]

Thanks to all of you for the replies. So much to respond to I don't know where to begin.

 

First, Tinke, you're probably right, that by not calling I'll find myself wondering, for a long time, what his intent was, etc. It's hard to turn off that impulse not to find out. I'm going to try not to dwell in that "wondering" place and instead focus on what I think I know: that I'm just not ready at this time to call him back. I still have him vested, in my mind, with too much power to hurt me.

 

That's because, I think, I haven't yet fully found the answers to the questions our relationship's demise raised for me, and if I engage with him now in any way the only way I'll feel good about our interchange is if we have a discussion that gives me some of those answers. And I know--having learned the hard way--that he can't provide me with those answers, only time and new relationships and my ongoing work on myself as a person will provide me with those answers. I do hope that one day we will be able to talk, where we're both in a place where we don't need to seek any answers or clarification from the other person. And while I know that no one but he really has an inkling of what prompted him to call me, I do strongly suspect that he called hoping an interaction with me will help clarify some lingering question for him. On some level. And as long as that dynamic is in play on either side, any interchange we have will be unsatisfactory--at least for me.

 

Jmina, thanks much for your reply; I always have valued your posts on LS. (And as you can see, I also tend towards longer posts! ) What you say is all very wise and I see the value of your suggestion that I not return his call and just continue moving forward both by the power of reflection as well as the power of positive ACTION. I think I'm doing that; I do feel besieged by this lingering notion, though, that my ex's rejection of me is some kind of statement that I am not good enough to have a big, loving family...and I KNOW that's completely irrational. Nevertheless, it's hard to shake off, even now. Every time it comes up, I confront it with a vociferous negation and a renewed determination to work towards building a family of my OWN.

 

I, like you, feel like I've gained much in the loss of this relationship. Isn't it ironic? Loss can be a wonderful teacher...not that I particularly relish the idea of further wonderful lessons begotten through more loss! But I know one day I will fully emerge from all lingering grip of the loss of this relationship and I will be amazed at how far I've come, how much stronger I am, how--dare I say it--GRATEFUL I will be for goign through all I went through. We see it all the time here on LS--people saying how ended relationships made them so much wiser and richer as people after all the pain and shock was worked through.

 

I don't know that I've fully forgiven him for how coldly he ended our relationship. Which is also why I agree with you that it's best I not return his contact for now.

 

Wondering blows. If you have to find out.......find out,

I did. I called this week................sure it made me feel ****** but it was better than wondering.

Selena Cat said to have a "funeral" for your ex. Where you burn everything and "pay for last respects"

 

It sounds like a good idea, maybe a little silly.........but appropriate nonetheless!

 

She was so nasty on the phone I couldn't believe it.

 

I want to call her again and say you should be ashamed of yourself..........but GEEZ. WHen will I let this rest.

It is up to us now to not let the other person's opinion be valid anymore....it isn't.

[tinke]

G.C., been thinking about you.

 

I have come quite the distance from the earlier stages, still some residual hurt, but much better! Honestly, I don't know how I would have come through without this site, it has been a Godsend through some painstaking times.

 

I still have moments of disbelief, but not the gut wretching pain as before. What I had realized (with time), is that he has made his fair share of mistakes too. I had placed him on a pedastal out of love. A good man, yes, however, he had his flaws. The hardest thing to cope with was the insensitive way he left. And yet, it is exactly that which helps me turn off from him (in my weaker moments).

 

I envy your position G.C.. My ex's leaving has placed me in the depths of woe and slowly, I am re-creating myself. What a process! But, a needed one!

I would love the opportunity to talk with him and disclose how very much his insensitivity has effected me. Not out of pity, but this is someone I trusted, etc., and his cutthroat responses were beyond hurtful. Just to know I have him listening, finally, I would be able to disload my thoughts. This is the position I envy. I believe it would be cathartic to be able to express these thoughts, but, not counting on it! Not at all to try to rekindle, but to be heard.

 

What's going on with you? How are you settling in your new environment?

[Zapbasket]

Tinke, I so hear you, on so many counts. First, yes, without this site, I would have had a much harder time dealing with the pain of the loss of my first true best friend and deep love. I owe so much to you, for your thoughts and sharing the grief process with me.

 

I also share your wish that I could talk with my ex, to put everything truly to rest, to apologize again for mistakes I made but also tell him of the things which hurt me--particularly the callous way he ended things. I'll admit it's MUCH, MUCH harder not to return his call than my previous post may have made it sound. I so hate cutting off someone I cared for so much. Even now, every day I think, maybe I'll do it. But then I can't bring myself to do it, partly because I feel like such a call will require a degree of privacy and time to process alone that I just don't really have in my current situation. I know it will make me emotional, and while I've been pretty open with my partner about my feelings in relation to my ex, there has to be a limit; I just can't have him see me cry after talking with my ex.

 

I, too, put my ex on a pedestal. I thought he was much more solid and "ready" than he really was...and maybe, in retrospect, I unintentionally took advantage of that in that I maybe didn't fully acknowledge or even realize the toll our distance and my being so stuck in finishing my degree took on him. Still, like you I know that regardless of my faults in the relationship, I did not deserve--our relationship did not deserve--the cold ending. He spoiled everything in how he ended things...and I fear there's no going back; I fear that the truth is that we never will be in each other's lives again, ever. ANd it makes me so sad, because I loved him so much...more than I'd ever loved anyone else. I dated a lot of people before I dated him, and no one really even scratched the surface. I cannot tell you how much I wish I could return his call.

 

But the ending said it all, about what he really had to contribute to a healthy relationship. ANd I think the same goes for your ex. I imagine you can take the way he ended your 10-year relationship and trace strains of it all the way through the relationship's duration...all the ways he contributed to making your relationship less than it could have...and than you deserved for it to have...been.

 

In response to your last question, I am very happy with how my life is progressing and all the things I"m doing to keep growing and staying healthy as a person. I think the great challenge is that when a relationship ends, a part of us disappears with the shattered relationship...a part that can never be recovered in its entirety...only in fantasy, through nostalgia. The hurt that lingers, at least for me, is the loss of that part of MYSELF, that loved this man, my ex, and did the best I could, as sincerely as I was capable at that time. There is a complex, deep history shared with a person with whom I will never, in all likelihood, share anything again. ANd that's a really significant loss, the loss of history, of shared memory.

[lofi_tokyo]

 

I know it will make me emotional, and while I've been pretty open with my partner about my feelings in relation to my ex, there has to be a limit; I just can't have him see me cry after talking with my ex.

 

I'm really glad you're like, considering your current boyfriend's feelings. I happy he has been there for you and has been supportive, and I'm so proud that you're not taking advantage of that. Its nice to see! I hope if I'm ever in that sort of situation, I can be as mature as you are being!

 

 

The hurt that lingers, at least for me, is the loss of that part of MYSELF, that loved this man, my ex, and did the best I could, as sincerely as I was capable at that time. There is a complex, deep history shared with a person with whom I will never, in all likelihood, share anything again. ANd that's a really significant loss, the loss of history, of shared memory.

 

I'm going to bust out some philosophy here since I'm an English nerd and discussed existentialism in class the other day. ;p

 

One could argue that our entire sense of identity, or of what is real, who we are and what we are, is based entirely on memory, or of memories projected onto us.

 

That is to say, the wonderful woman you are now is made up of snipits of things you remember and hold onto. If asked to define yourself, you'd hold onto somethings, and drop others, which makes sense because to retell your WHOLE life, every little event that has lead up to now - well it would take a lifetime wouldn't it? So the best you can do to define yourself is hold onto small parts of your life, "defining moments" so to speak. As long as you hold onto those moments, they are never lost. Maybe nostalgia will rewrite them a bit, but you are already self-editing your life anyways.

 

We lose a part of ourselves each day.

 

So yes, mourning a loss of a part of yourself makes sense, but you're only losing it so long as you let go of it, and you lose a part of yourself each day anyways.

 

FURTHERMORE!

Don't worry! You are NOT losing that shared history, or a shared memory. Those two things - memory and history, can only exist in past tense. You cant remember the future and you cant write a history on the future. Likewise, it can't exist in the present for the same reason.

 

So... you can never ever lose the history/memories you two shared. In fact, you can only have them because you experienced them once, and now they're in the past.

 

 

Sorry! I'm not trying to get into a theoretical debate, but rather, I am trying to say that...

 

 

 

 

You will never lose the precious parts time the two of your shared together. I think over time, you will forget the shared moments of pain - because hwy would anyone want to hold onto pain? And after a while, you will have only the good memories you two shared.

Someday, when you're old and grey, when your daughter asks you about your first love because her first love just broke her heart? You'll remember this man who meant to much to you, you'll have compassion for your daughter because of the experiences you've held onto. You'll never lose them so long as you choose not to. I don't think theres anything with holding onto good memories, as long as you do not get caught up in getting them back.

 

 

 

I guess, thats why I think all ex's come back now and then. Maybe thats why your ex called. He does not want to be with you NOW. People move forward. But... he wants to be back with you THEN. He has edited out the bad memories, remembers the good times, and even though he knows he can't really jump into the movie in his head, maybe hes trying anyways.

 

I'll end this monster long response with two quotes that echo in my mind all the time:

 

"Time is the longest distance between two places" - Tennessee Williams (The Glass Menagerie)

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past." - F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby)

 

We can never get back to the past because each second it is getting futher and futher from us... but at the same time, nostalgia paints such a pretty picture of the past - we were part of it once, so we try, despite the currents of time working against us, to grab hold of the past.

 

You cannot be together now. But in the past you could be.

Maybe thats why he called.

Who knows.

 

Sorry I'm crazy. ;p

[tinke]

Greencove, we share similar thoughts. I too, feel that this has had such an impact on me that I do not feel I will ever be the same person again. Not doing poorly, but, I do feel different.

 

I often have said, I will not allow him to continue effecting me, which he himself, is not.

But that lasting hurt and puzzlement lingers.

I wonder if "they" have any idea of the effects in which they left.

 

Glad to hear things are well for you and your new S.O.

[Zapbasket]

Tokyovogue, what a beautiful post. Thank you so much for writing it. I love all your 'existentialist' thoughts about time, memory, and self-(re)creation. I'll confess something a little embarrassing, since you're a fellow self-described "English-nerd" : I believe the past can be recovered in full when the time is right and there are two willing parties who have the communicative sophistication to 'write,' so to speak, the past into the present as a living document spun by TWO people to form a new present that really is a restoration of the past. I fully believe it's possible...but it rarely happens because all the requisite conditions are rarely ever met. When it does happen, it's extraordinary, the stuff of the greatest literature...because it represents the fullest possibilities of language, memory, and love.

 

A large part of the reason I struggle to bring myself to call him back is because compared with this ideal...that seems so imminently POSSIBLE at least intellectually in my mind...anything less that may happen with my ex simply won't do justice to all the hope of beautiful love I hold in my mind.

 

Of course, I don't ALWAYS operate in these ethereal realms...but a part of me certainly does...and your lovely post brought that part of me to the fore. Thanks for that; I love sharing moments like that with others. They're rare and precious!

 

(PS--The new hair looks terrific!)

[Zapbasket]

Greencove, we share similar thoughts. I too, feel that this has had such an impact on me that I do not feel I will ever be the same person again. Not doing poorly, but, I do feel different.

 

I often have said, I will not allow him to continue effecting me, which he himself, is not.

But that lasting hurt and puzzlement lingers.

I wonder if "they" have any idea of the effects in which they left.

 

Glad to hear things are well for you and your new S.O.

 

Thanks, Tinke. RE: whether our exes, and other exes who left like ours did, have any idea of the effects of their abrupt leave-taking: I don't think they can have even a faint glimmer of the effects of their actions until they find themselves on the receiving end, unfortunately. It's just something that you have to experience yourself before you can understand how such a departure can hurt.

 

Re: not feeling the same--funny, I told my mom that very thing the other day, in response to her asking me if I'd ever returned my ex's call. I said that ever since our breakup, I haven't been the same, and I said that was the most honest thing I could possibly say about the whole experience.

 

Maybe it's a new 'skin' we just have to grow into, and maybe...for the better? I tell myself it's what we make of it. It doesn't feel that way oftentimes, though; often it just feels like a crack in my SELF, something broken that might reconfigure into something whole...but that will never restore my old self.

[lofi_tokyo]

Tokyovogue, what a beautiful post. Thank you so much for writing it. I love all your 'existentialist' thoughts about time, memory, and self-(re)creation. I'll confess something a little embarrassing, since you're a fellow self-described "English-nerd" : I believe the past can be recovered in full when the time is right and there are two willing parties who have the communicative sophistication to 'write,' so to speak, the past into the present as a living document spun by TWO people to form a new present that really is a restoration of the past. I fully believe it's possible...but it rarely happens because all the requisite conditions are rarely ever met. When it does happen, it's extraordinary, the stuff of the greatest literature...because it represents the fullest possibilities of language, memory, and love.

 

A large part of the reason I struggle to bring myself to call him back is because compared with this ideal...that seems so imminently POSSIBLE at least intellectually in my mind...anything less that may happen with my ex simply won't do justice to all the hope of beautiful love I hold in my mind.

 

Of course, I don't ALWAYS operate in these ethereal realms...but a part of me certainly does...and your lovely post brought that part of me to the fore. Thanks for that; I love sharing moments like that with others. They're rare and precious!

 

(PS--The new hair looks terrific!)

 

Thanks for such an enthusiastic response to my craziness, and you know what? I agree with you about getting the past back.

 

Maybe its a belief that can be found in anyone, and some are more prone to believing in it than others, but I think its possible. I'm definitely a hopeless romantic.

 

People say certain things only happen in the movies. Generally, I agree, but every now and then someone gets to live in a movie. I bet its only like a 1/10,000 kind of thing, but I believe.

 

I understand why you haven't answered your ex's call then, because... you and I are believers in movie moments. I would love to have a love that would look and sound like a movie, but... I think we've both acknowledged here that us getting our movie moment probably won't happen. So... if you call your ex, and it doesn't happen? It will be a disappointment. Who the hell knows what that call will lead to, you know? I totally understand. The prerequisites just are not there right now, and possibly may never be.

 

 

That being said...

If you never take a chance on things, if you never take the risk, make the leap, you'll never know what you may miss. Part of having the starts aligned perfectly for you is taking steps that set you up for it.

 

BLAH!

Its all so crazy and complicated.

 

 

Our little convo now reminds me of a song, so I'll end on that! (posting the lyrics)

Clark Gable - The Postal Service:

 

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground

When it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find

A love that would look and sound like a movie so I changed my plans

I rented a camera and a van and then i called you

"i need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

 

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"

And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in

The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it

The marker snapped and i yelled "quiet on the set"

And then called "action!"

And i kissed you in a style that Clark Gable would have admired

(i thought it classic)

 

I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear

That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

 

Its a pretty song!

[Meet 4 Coffee]

You still haven't addressed the fact that now a month has passed since your ex called, and he hasn't ever called again, meaning...he is still just not that into you and doesn't want you back.

 

It is really true that if he wanted you back, he would call again and do more than just let you call back....if he cared.

 

What do you have to say in response to this, Green Cove?

 

It has been over a month since he called now. It's not really a matter of you "calling him back" but the fact that he only called once, and is thus showing he's not interested really.

[Zapbasket]

You still haven't addressed the fact that now a month has passed since your ex called, and he hasn't ever called again, meaning...he is still just not that into you and doesn't want you back.

 

It is really true that if he wanted you back, he would call again and do more than just let you call back....if he cared.

 

What do you have to say in response to this, Green Cove?

 

It has been over a month since he called now. It's not really a matter of you "calling him back" but the fact that he only called once, and is thus showing he's not interested really.

 

*shrug* well, I guess that's one pat way to look at it... The issue I was grappling with wasn't whether or not he wants me back. It's a little late for that.

[Zapbasket]

Thanks for such an enthusiastic response to my craziness, and you know what? I agree with you about getting the past back.

 

Maybe its a belief that can be found in anyone, and some are more prone to believing in it than others, but I think its possible. I'm definitely a hopeless romantic.

 

People say certain things only happen in the movies. Generally, I agree, but every now and then someone gets to live in a movie. I bet its only like a 1/10,000 kind of thing, but I believe.

 

I understand why you haven't answered your ex's call then, because... you and I are believers in movie moments. I would love to have a love that would look and sound like a movie, but... I think we've both acknowledged here that us getting our movie moment probably won't happen. So... if you call your ex, and it doesn't happen? It will be a disappointment. Who the hell knows what that call will lead to, you know? I totally understand. The prerequisites just are not there right now, and possibly may never be.

 

 

That being said...

If you never take a chance on things, if you never take the risk, make the leap, you'll never know what you may miss. Part of having the starts aligned perfectly for you is taking steps that set you up for it.

 

BLAH!

Its all so crazy and complicated.

 

 

Our little convo now reminds me of a song, so I'll end on that! (posting the lyrics)

Clark Gable - The Postal Service:

 

I was waiting for a cross-town train in the London underground

When it struck me that I've been waiting since birth to find

A love that would look and sound like a movie so I changed my plans

I rented a camera and a van and then i called you

"i need you to pretend that we are in love again" and you agreed to

 

I want so badly to believe that "there is truth, that love is real"

And i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd

I greased the lens and framed the shot using a friend as my stand-in

The script it called for rain but it was clear that day so we faked it

The marker snapped and i yelled "quiet on the set"

And then called "action!"

And i kissed you in a style that Clark Gable would have admired

(i thought it classic)

 

I know you're wise beyond your years, but do you ever get the fear

That your perfect verse is just a lie you tell yourself to help you get by?

 

Its a pretty song!

 

Thanks Tokyovogue! It's a great song--thanks for making me aware of it!

[Zapbasket]

I never returned my ex's call from back in early October. Now I'm back in my home city until Friday, and if ever I were going to return his call now might be a good time given it would come with the possibility that we could meet up (we're 20 minutes away from each other at the moment; I moved far away from here this past summer).

 

So far I've felt good about not calling him back, but then there's this part of me that wonders what he might say. It would mean something to me to hear him say he wants me back, or at least to hear him say he has regretted the way he ended our relationship as he cares a great deal for me. I don't know that I'd act on it, but it would mean something to me to hear it. It's just that I don't know what he was calling to say, and he didn't call again after that.

 

Being back here has brought back some old feelings and I find myself wavering on a decision I thought I'd already made. I guess I feel like being here opens the door a bit, even if it's the door that shows me once and for all how optimal it is that the door to Us is closed.

 

Bah, maybe I should just keep moving forward. I guess I am just looking for support to keep myself from getting in my own way.