Finally I received the call I'd wished for for so long

[norajane]

Speaking of which, it really sounds like your current SO isn't going to be the man for you long-term. Apart from your unresolved feelings for your ex, you are describing some significant compatibility issues. The age difference isn't trivial, among other things.

 

But it sounds as though right now you see your life as "well, it's either my current SO or the ex". That's simply not how life works. There are any number of men who could be amazing matches for you, beyond this pool of two.

 

Seriously...why do you think these two guys are your only options? Way back when, you thought your ex was your only option, and look how quickly you moved across the country to move in with this new guy! You are just as likely to meet other men who are a good fit with you, maybe a better fit than who you are with now. Where is all this fear coming from that you have to settle for one of two guys?

 

I still can't fathom WHY you dropped everything to move across the country and INTO his place when you barely know the guy. You wouldn't do that for Mr. 5 Years, so maybe you over-compensated too quickly out of fear you would end up alone?

 

Figure this out, because your ex is just going to pull you into a mire of thinking that will ruin your current relationship, and your current relationship doesn't sound like you're so into it anyway.

 

There are other men out there, but you'll never meet them if you allow yourself to get sucked into your post-break-up-with-ex mindframe, or if you allow yourself to settle for someone ultimately unsuitable for you out of fear and desperation.

 

Call your ex back and listen to what he has to say. Thank him politely for getting in touch (presumably) to make amends, and tell him you aren't in any place to maintain communication with him at this time.

 

Then do some thinking about WHY you ran away from NY and WHY you think this new guy is your only chance for love and happiness.

[tinke]

G.C.

 

No, I doubt people who can easily direspect the R. and their partner in which we had experienced, really know the impact it creates. Why? Because, there was plenty of time for at least..hey, I'm sorry I hurt you in this, blah blah. But, nothing!

You and I have both discussed the wonder of people who can act in that manner AND remember, totally ignore contacts for any discussion. That is low, and I feel it's true even more so, now that I had time to gain some grounding.

 

I never got from your posts the feeling that you needed to be with someone, and I do feel you would not stay in your present if it didn't "feel right" whether you received this call or not. I did not get the vibe that you would "settle" for less.

 

as you say, you will call. I would not suggest you asking him why he called, or any questions for that matter. I would simply say "I'm returning your call", let HIM take it away from there. As you've said, yes, he should be uncomfortable.

I, too, would want to know the purpose of his call. The thing is for the dumper, I am sure one cannot imagine hurt feelings years. later...but it happens. That sting does not vanish easily.

Good advice, don't fill in the silence, let him..or simply end the conversation.

I agree, IF he does want to try again, he must prove his willingness and be able to communicate this.

 

I take on a different note, why wait around, it is much too late in all this for any strategies.

Just call, but try to just LISTEN. Remember, you are only returning his call.

 

By the way, how does this work? Do you still have your old phone number?

Or does he know you moved? Do you have your own phone line?

 

keep us posted!

 

as always, thanks for the bunnies.

[sedgwick]

The dilemma for me is that even though I am with someone else, I often wonder whether my ex truly is the better partner for me.

 

If he was able to treat you the way he did, is it really possible that he's "the better partner?" He had his chance. He blew it. If he wants to talk to you, I'd make him work for it. Until he leaves a message acknowledging what an ass he was, do you really have anything to say to him?

[Simplycaroline]

Seriously...why do you think these two guys are your only options? Way back when, you thought your ex was your only option, and look how quickly you moved across the country to move in with this new guy! You are just as likely to meet other men who are a good fit with you, maybe a better fit than who you are with now. Where is all this fear coming from that you have to settle for one of two guys?

 

I still can't fathom WHY you dropped everything to move across the country and INTO his place when you barely know the guy. You wouldn't do that for Mr. 5 Years, so maybe you over-compensated too quickly out of fear you would end up alone?

 

Figure this out, because your ex is just going to pull you into a mire of thinking that will ruin your current relationship, and your current relationship doesn't sound like you're so into it anyway.

 

There are other men out there, but you'll never meet them if you allow yourself to get sucked into your post-break-up-with-ex mindframe, or if you allow yourself to settle for someone ultimately unsuitable for you out of fear and desperation.

 

Call your ex back and listen to what he has to say. Thank him politely for getting in touch (presumably) to make amends, and tell him you aren't in any place to maintain communication with him at this time.

 

Then do some thinking about WHY you ran away from NY and WHY you think this new guy is your only chance for love and happiness.

 

Great post. I would suggest being alone until she gets her mind together because what she is doing to the man she moved to be with is cruel rather she means for it to be or not.

[tinke]

My take is to go ahead and call already. The reason being, you may be surprised to learn after hearing from him, and perhaps learning that HE has not changed, and once again hearing his lack of communication...you may learn tht you really are not interested in him any longer.

 

We tend to place people in false adoration, holding and molding our own memories.

There's been folks here who have said after meting up with the ex, they really weren't what they thought they were, and there were NO feelings.

 

So, it just may be that once you actually hear him, it may not be at all what you have stored in your memory. You may be pleasantly surprised to learn that you no longer have any interest in him.

 

Has your new SO mentioned any of this at all?

[tinke]

The thing is, G.C., from your previous posts, I get the feeling that you will continue to torture yourself with thoughts of him and wonder his intention.

This is why I say just call already, it may alleviate some uncertainties.

 

Best to you.

[sultry33]

Then I would definitely call him... or contact him in some other way (text, email, if it's easier), and just ask him straight up "why are you calling"? Like you said, play it cool but jump straight in with the question, and if you sense he's just being a prick, then make it a short conversation.

The thing is if you don't call him, you'll always wonder what he wanted, which will drive you mad.

 

Good luck greencove. And remember we'll be here for you if he's just playing games.

 

totally agree,

just be prepared incase its an ego boost on his part..

i hate no knowing andid make the call just so i could get it out of my mind.. be strong

[Zapbasket]

Thank you so much for the thoughts, guys. I have decided I will call him back tomorrow evening when there's a higher likelihood my ex will be home and we'll both have time for a real conversation, if indeed what we'll have is a real conversation. I'm going to take the advice of many of you and let HIM fill in the awkward spaces. For kindness' sake, I'll humor him for a few minutes with light chit-chat (how was your summer; how's your family, etc.) and then indicate that I want to know why he's called.

 

I have talked at length about this with my current partner; there are no secrets. And while it's true that I'm not yet certain about the long-term rightness for each other, I would NEVER have moved here if I didn't feel like there was the POSSIBILITY this could be viable long-term. I think my partner and I have the beginnings of a really good relationship, in terms of mutual respect, affection, prioritizing, etc.--and I've been completely honest with him that I worry about how our age difference will play out long-term. Even so, I love him, and I'm glad I moved here. When I met him, I didn't feel really ready to begin a new relationship, but he impressed me enough that I decided to go ahead; after all, we can't control when a worthy person enters our life. I took a chance, and I'm very glad I did--no matter what the ultimate outcome.

 

I definitely don't think my current partner is my only option. I just am taking the whole thing seriously because we are, after all, very much of an age where if the relationship is right, we WILL end up married. It's only been two months in the same city with him and I'm paying very close attention to whether this feels right. More time will reveal all I need to know and I'm confident I'll have the courage either to part ways or to stick it out, whichever is the right decision.

 

When my ex left me, I was so READY for embarking on a long-term partnership. I'd done a lot of work on myself and worked hard to resolve issues in my education...and I did. That's why it was so devastating when my ex left. I am ready to be a good partner for the man who is right for me, whether my current partner or another partner.

 

SSG (and others)--THANK YOU for reminding me that my "what if I never have a loving family" fear is ill-founded. And thank you for reminding me that it would be a disservice to ME if I just act like all is hunky-dory between my ex and me. He threw me away very harshly, and I shall not forget it. I am, however, open to forgiving him if he expresses true compunction.

 

Tinke, it's true: I may talk to him and be shocked to discover that I really have no interest in him whatsoever. But you know, that would also be an outcome that would make me sad. To have loved someone so much, and then suddenly find that the love is no longer, and moreover, find that there is not even LIKE there anymore.... If that's what I find, then I'll have to wonder: WHAT IS MY LOVE?

 

So, I'll see what happens tomorrow, if I can reach him.

 

My biggest fear? That I'll be TOO FU*KING NICE. I can't be really aggressive in a situation unless someone REALLLLLLY pisses me off. I'm polite to a fault. He doesn't sound scared in his voice message...though my SO thinks it MUST have taken some serious balls for him to call me after all this time. I'm not so sure. I'm afraid that if I find he really just thought he could call to say "hey," I'll be so baffled at the complete STUPIDITY of that notion that I'll put up a wall of politeness to hide my shock.

[orangehose]

For kindness' sake, I'll humor him for a few minutes with light chit-chat (how was your summer; how's your family, etc.) and then indicate that I want to know why he's called.

 

Hmmm, I'm not sure he deserves a few minutes of kind chit-chat and questions about his family. If he picks up, I'd just be like, "Hi, it's greencove. I got your message. Why did you call?"

 

Put him on the spot. If he just wants to say 'hi', he doesn't deserve a minute more of your time.

 

If he thinks you're rude, it's not like you lost a chance with someone great. All you lost was a jerk.

 

This guy isn't some lost love, he isn't The One Who Got Away. No one who could treat you the way he did is your 'soulmate' or the one you're meant to be with.

 

I know you have a hard time being aggressive, but you don't have to call him names. Just get straight to the point. You can even write down what you're going to say before you call him.

 

Like the others, I'm also of the opinion that neither of these guys may be the one for you. Definitely not the ex, although he had certain demographic characteristics (age, family) that are understandably very important to you. Like you said, it may be these characteristics that account for your continuing attraction to him.

 

As for your current SO, I wish you all the best, but given your lukewarm descriptions, I do have my doubts. Also, the guy is 49 and hasn't been in a relationship longer than 3 years. Is he aware that you really want a marriage and family? He may not be the marrying type...

[orangehose]

I also wanted to apologize, in a way, if my last post sounds brusque. I understand how hard this can be. I'm actually very similar to you in being too forgiving and nice... And so many of the feelings you describe (such as even the loss of attraction to an ex being saddening) resemble what mine could be in your situation. Just giving you my left brain toughness

[orangehose]

I'm afraid that if I find he really just thought he could call to say "hey," I'll be so baffled at the complete STUPIDITY of that notion that I'll put up a wall of politeness to hide my shock.

 

Oh yes, and one last comment on this. You could even write out what you'd say in case he wanted to just 'chit-chat' (which is unfortunately a major possibility in this situation). You could say something like this:

 

Ex: "oh, just wanted to see how you've been doing..." blah blah

You: "You treated me like crap, and you're calling me up after all this time just to say hi?"

Ex: "ummm... well..."

You: "I can't believe you'd have the gall to call me up to chit-chat. I don't want to be friends with you; I don't care to tell you about my life or hear about yours." Hang up.

[underpants]

Well,

 

Who knows Greencove?

 

I guess you won't know until you speak with him. I wouldn't anticipate too much and just ask.

 

When I had that 'oh snap' contact from an ex. It did bother me for a while but it resolved nothing. At least I did see him for what he was unable to do without the lens of the 'relationship'. Ultimately that did lead to me feeling good about being done with that particuliar person.

 

Of course our respective relationships were very different, but the cycle seems to be similiar.

 

You have come full circle and the ball is in your court.

 

I have every confidence in you.

 

...and I'm sure this will not start 500 word essays on the thought process.

 

Good luck and be strong.

[tinke]

G.C., keep in mind that people change, you've said it yourself...you've woked through some things and feel you are a better person (partner) for it.

 

The R. was over long ago, when he left in fact. It just took a while for your feet to reach solid ground. So, what if you learn you do not love/like him, why question "what is your love"? You have idolized him, as many of us do. Simply, now with time away, he just may not be alluring any longer. To me, that would bring satisfaction. That he truly is not what I thought, not the figment I held onto.

 

I agree, that I would not offer any chit chat of any kind. This is HIS call!

[crushed66]

GC,

 

Its been 2 yrs.

 

Dont be tempted by any of his BS.

 

ps. sorry to hijack, but can someone help me with a similiar situation.

 

"gf for 8 yrs........." under Coping thread. thx.

[ninjaturtles]

If you decide to call, I don't think you should act fiesty or ask him 'what he wants'.

 

No, I think you should be very polite, be yourself, the polite and nice person you are. Don't act like you are still bitter or hurting, UNLESS you get into a deep conversation.

 

Just be yourself, and let HIM do most of the talking. Just go with the flow and find out what he wants..BUT don't be too nice. Don't be too chitty chatty either...Just be cool and let us know how it went.

 

xxx

[sunshinegirl]

What's the latest, GC?

 

Thinking of you...

[RecordProducer]

Also, while I'm in this other relationship it's still new and I'm not sure what ultimately will happen between us. I love my current partner...but I would be lying if I said I didn't still miss my ex more often than not.

New or not, the guy was worth moving thousands of miles away for him, so he must seem like a good relationship material (unless you're already disappointed).

 

Your ex should not be a reason to leave your new partner. You worked hard to get over your ex and now you're willing to undo all that hard work at the snap of his fingers? If you do that, I guarantee you that he will break your heart again. The very fact that he just called to say "hi" and you're already considering dumping your guy and moving back for your ex tells me that you're in an inferior position before your ex - and trust me, he will use this against you. I don't know how he treated you while you were together, but don't expect that he will treat you better if you reconcile. If he wants to be with you, he should work hard to get you this time. If he shows remorse for hurting you and a strong desire to be with you and be good to you, think about giving him another chance. Believe me, when a man wants a woman, he will not only fight for her, but he wants to fight for her. Men don't like easy prey. He was cold and merciless when you so wanted him; now it's your turn to be cold and merciless.

[sunshinegirl]

Your ex should not be a reason to leave your new partner. You worked hard to get over your ex and now you're willing to undo all that hard work at the snap of his fingers? If you do that, I guarantee you that he will break your heart again. The very fact that he just called to say "hi" and you're already considering dumping your guy and moving back for your ex tells me that you're in an inferior position before your ex - and trust me, he will use this against you. I don't know how he treated you while you were together, but don't expect that he will treat you better if you reconcile. If he wants to be with you, he should work hard to get you this time. If he shows remorse for hurting you and a strong desire to be with you and be good to you, think about giving him another chance. Believe me, when a man wants a woman, he will not only fight for her, but he wants to fight for her. Men don't like easy prey. He was cold and merciless when you so wanted him; now it's your turn to be cold and merciless.

 

GC, this is very very good advice. I want to remind you of my first breakup with Eric in May 2007. When he came back 6 weeks later saying he wanted to get back together with me, I was so over the moon and had missed him that every thought I had had about making him "work" for the reconciliation went out the window. I believed myself to be a forgiving person who didn't hold grudges...why artificially make him jump through hoops to be with me when we both wanted to be together? So I leaped right back into our relationship.

 

In retrospect that was a huge, huge mistake because it (a) never impressed upon him how devastating the breakup was to me and (b) he didn't deal with the underlying problem, which was that his marriage still wasn't ended and he hadn't emotionally processed it. Which ultimately led to the devastation of 5 months ago with his cheating.

 

All I'm saying is... if the ex expressed anything resembling a desire to get back together during your call, it will serve you BOTH well for you to make him jump through hoops. And as RP said he should WANT to, if he really wants to be with you.

 

Whatever he said, we're here to listen and support you...

[Zapbasket]

Whoa, hold on guys! I never said I was thinking about dropping my current SO and moving back to NYC to resume with my ex. First of all, that would be pretty presumptuous given I don't know what my ex even wants. And secondly, there's a pretty big gap, imo, between examining whether your partner is truly right for you long-term and being ready to call it quits. I still question the relationship because the relationship is young. Also because a nearly 20-year age gap is a potentially big issue as a relationship unfolds over the years.

 

(By the way, I didn't call my ex tonight as planned. I have been squirming and writhing all day with my very first migraine and man is it a relentless whopper. I now have a deeper level of compassion for chronic migraine-sufferers! I didn't think I was in very good condition to undertake the phone call to the ex. So, it'll have to be tomorrow night assuming the migraine is gone by then.)

 

All that's happened is that suddenly, with no warning, a very important piece of my past introduced itself into my present. I am aware that one possible outcome of calling my ex back is that I may hear that he wants to try again. Depending on what he says and how I feel about it, that could introduce a whole can of worms. But no way would I just up and move back for him. I cannot forget how much I hurt all through 2007 in the aftermath of how he left me. He BROKE our relationship, and with it, my trust in him. To restore that would take a lot of work. There's a HUGE distance between returning my ex's call and being prepared to leave my current partner--who's been nothing but good to me--to get back with my ex. Emotional considerations aside--there are huge logistical considerations: I now live pretty much on the opposite side of the country as my ex. I'm not in a position to just move back on a whim. And to move back only to find that oops, no, actually my ex DIDN'T want me??? Uh-uh. Noooooo way.

 

Besides, he may really just be calling to say sorry. I'm not so sure how I'll feel about that.

 

Unfortunately it seems like I'm just going to have to reach blindly on this one.

 

SSG thanks for the reminder of your experience. I'm not sure what's the right amount of reticence to use in my situation. I just REALLY don't know what I'd do if he keeps it at "I just called to say hi." I never know what to say when people act like total clueless retards. Orangehose, I may have to write out a script like you suggest, otherwise I'll sit there completely befuddled.

[sumdude]

Call him back only if you can do it with no expectations... at all. For all you know he won't even answer, right? Otherwise let sleeping dogs lie....

 

I'll share my story about "the call"

 

About a year and a half after my ex-wife left me and 5 months into no contact she called. The last time she tried I didn't answer my cell but I was surprised by her calling me at work.

 

Understand, the way she left me was sudden and a total surprise to me. The way things ended were pretty bad with lots of deception. For a few months I tried a lot of things to try to get her back but I think I was treated poorly. Anyhow she called to tell me about a trip and then she apologised for the way things ended.

 

I found myself being terse and cold but. I acknowledged her apology and that's the last i've heard from her. She may have been reaching out for more but I kept the call short. To this day I still think about her at times and wonder... but I just don't want to tear the scab off my heart that's been healing.

[tinke]

Well, with some of the heartless, cold ways in which an ex leaves, it is good to hear that at least some have felt remorse by their actions!

 

Greencove, just try not to get too caught up in anything, do what feels right.

Try not to stress over this.

[Dominique]

Oh, for heaven's sake....Such drama, such pain...such a waste of time.

 

G C--I very much believe he probably did love you during your relationship of five years and I am not trying to diminish your confused feelings...But unless I am reading the personality entirely wrong here, the writing is on the wall.

 

He's broken up with someone recently and he's feeling a flutter of memory.

 

But he is not storming the gates to get GC. Gates must be stormed if there is to be meaning. RP is right on this one (and so much else).

 

We know the answer without her having to make the call.

 

A man with the jitters to make a move of significant meaning would not leave one message, but a couple; cool but also showing some anxiety--at least in the following calls. Also, out of love for her, he wouldn't be quite so bland, so cryptic. Had he prefaced the call with, "I know its been two years but I have done a lot of thinking..." Something a bit more pained.

 

I would be wary, but polite--a class act. Show no anger, ask no questions, no Why this or that. GC will have to be very "if you want me come and get me" for this ever to have another chance.

 

DOM

[tinke]

Well Greencove, did you call yet?

[Violetta]

GC, The first pargraph of your first post in this thread indicates so clearly that you have too much feeling still to have a conversation with the ex without risk of being overcome and losing control. If you felt that you may be having a heartattack at the sight of his number what is the chance of staying calm during a phone call?

After reading all the great advice above, my thoughts are that you should respond by a text or email saying that you are responding to his call and what does he want to talk about. He severed ties coldly, you don't owe him anything, certainly not a friendly interchange. You can decide what to do if and when he is open with you about his wish to talk.

Good luck.

[Zapbasket]

Well, I haven't called yet. I've had a migraine that since Sunday has had me completely incapacitated. It's not the best time to make a reaching-into-the-past phone call, for sure.

 

So circumstances have put off the return phone call for me. Maybe that's a good thing. Lying in bed this morning, I thought how easy it would be for me just not to call back. I don't need to hear "I'm sorry"; I don't need to disclose what I'm up to or hear about what he's up to. He himself broke the basic respect boundary that would really make even a friendship possible between us.

 

It's just this idealistic part of me that wants to give room for the possibility that he's ready for a true mature interchange.

 

I definitely won't be calling him tonight owing to the debate and also my still feeling sick--if I feel better tomorrow or Thursday I may give him a try...or wait until the weekend. I'll definitely let you know what happens. Thanks super-much for all the support.