I hate the person who I have become since getting married....

[gabijo06]

My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years and neither one of us ever want to get divorced but I have changed so much that I can’t stand the person I have become. Before my marriage I was such a happy person. I was very confident and secure in who I was and what I wanted out of life and most importantly I loved myself. I still just can’t believe how much things have changed. Never in a million years would I have thought that this would be who I am now.

 

I am embarrassed and ashamed of what I have allowed to happen to me. I am now a very insecure and sad person who pretty much cries on a daily basis. I feel as if I am mourning for the person I used to be, I miss me, I miss being happy with my life and myself. It all pretty much started about a month after we got married. I found something that he had kept from me, he had’nt cheated or anything like that but it was still something that should have been told to me. Then I started finding things that he had said he would get rid of so that I would’nt come across them and make me upset well…. It never happened so I constantly found things that I as his wife should not see. I have told him on numerous times how I cannot stand a person who lies , no matter how small of a lie, it is still a lie. So there is NO trust. I feel like if he will lie about something so small that’s not even worth lying about of course he will lie about something big.

 

I don’t speak to any of my long time friends or my family very often because when I do I can’t bare to tell them that things are really bad that I actually find myself having to lie and say things are wonderful and I am so happy. These people are the people that have always known the confident and happy person that I have been my whole life until now, I am just to ashamed. My whole life there have been 2 things that I cannot stand a person who lies and a person who cannot keep their word. I am just so sad to know that that is the kind of person I have married.

 

And to make things worse, it doesn’t even bother him that he is not a man of his word. I was raised to believe that if you give your word then is should be as good as gold. Not being able to trust the person you are with is a new experience to me. I’ve never been in a situation like this so my goal has always been to fix this. I hate not being able to trust him and he also claims he doesn’t like it either but his actions since have always said he doesn’t mind it. I on the other hand when I see a problem, let’s talk about it and get a plan and fix it.

So about 6 months into our marriage I took it upon myself to order a program(Mort Fortel Marriage Fitness) of the internet. I was so excited and really had hope that this would help atleast a little. We got and there were exercises for trust issues for us to do. I had to write 5 things that he would promise to do everyday for me and he would have to just simply do them. It said for me to make them VERY easy because the goal was for them to be easy enough that it would be impossible for him to fail and by him keeping his word and doing them every single day eventually it would help me to learn how to trust him again. So, I made them very easy, just things that I would like him to say to me everyday and a text message each day. I was so happy that I remember when he looked me in my eyes and said “honey, I love you and will do whatever it takes to make this right and I promise to do these things everyday.”

Well..It lasted 2 days. I have never ever been so heartbroken in my life. This man would live the rest of our lives like this. I am so insecure and so depressed. I feel like I am nothing to him. He knows what our problems are. He says that I sound like a broken record. He says that we argue about the same things, well, we do. If I ever made him cry or feel the way he makes me feel I would do whatever it would take to make it better. He thinks just because he tells me a million times a day that it makes it better. I tell him that he can tell me that until he’s blue in the face but it means nothing if you don’t have actions to back it up. I don’t feel like he loves me at all even the counselor told him stop telling her and show her, actions speak louder than words.

 

If you love someone and they cry because of the way they feel because of the things that you’ve done would’nt you fix it so they would never have to cry again? Am I the one that is crazy because I believe that. If you love someone then you don’t want them to be sad, depressed and cry all the time. He knows what needs to be fix but instead of putting in some effort to make it better all he wants to do is say I love you 50 times a day. I never thought that I would get tired of hearing those words but I am.

He knows that I won’t want a divorce because of my beliefs and he tells me constantly that he’ll never want to divorce me. I honestly think that he would spend the rest of our lives like this. It has gotten to the point that I don’t even sleep in the same bed with him and it doesn’t seem to bother him. Every night he will just come and try to kiss me and say I love you and sleep good and the same thing every morning. So every night I pretty much cry myself to sleep because it’s like a smack in the face. He knows what the problem is but just doesn’t care to fix it. Please give me any advice. I feel like I have done my part. I don’t know what else to do, am I the one with the problem. Am I expecting to much from him to fix something that he caused?

[imagine]

Have you heard of the Marriage Builders Weekend course?

 

Flip! I sound like an advert. Check it out anyway.

[Ronni_W]

neither one of us ever want to get divorced but I have changed so much that I can’t stand the person I have become.

I couldn't read that huge wall of bolded text. (For future, I'd suggest to use paragraphs and normal font, as that is so much easier on the eyes...and gentler on the mind .)

 

So...I have no idea what is stopping you from being the person you truly are, and want to be. But, that is exactly what you must make a decision to do...or you must get a divorce, whether you "want" one or not.

 

If you are in an abusive relationship, then you need to take proper steps to ensure your safety. I would suggest to call the appropriate crisis hotline or a women's shelter for guidance.

 

If that's not the case, individual therapy may help you to develop the confidence, self-awareness, self-worth, clarity and/or whatever else is lacking, so that you to take empowered, self-affirming action.

 

Be who you want to be, or get out of the situation that is preventing that.

It is a choice that you have to make. Otherwise, you will be whining for the rest of your life about how miserable you are about how miserable you have become. And that doesn't sound to me like an appealing option.

 

Good luck...wishing you much brighter days ahead.

[Federica]

I couldn't read that huge wall of bolded text. (For future, I'd suggest to use paragraphs and normal font, as that is so much easier on the eyes...and gentler on the mind .)

 

Dealt with.

[luvstarved]

Would be helpful if you would give exact nature of the betrayal but sounds like you don't want to go there (it sounds like another porn case but can't tell for sure).

 

Otherwise, I don't know. When he says that you argue about the same things...well, of course, they haven't been addressed!!! That's why!!!

 

As far as the rest, I think you probably need to think some about taking responsibility for your own emotions. You should not allow his behavior to control your feelings about yourself and your life.

 

I realize that people do hurtful things and that in order for you to be happy IN THIS RELATIONSHIP then some things would have to change in his behavior. But, you might not be able to get that change, then what?

You roll over and die?

 

It sounds like he wants to be with you but you need to be clear with him about your feelings and not put it in the context of him being bad...but rather how his behaviors affect you and whether you can work together to put things right between you.

 

Are you STILL "finding the things" or did that ever stop? Has he agreed to STOP whatever he was doing or does he defend his right to do it and tell you if you don't like it, it's your problem?

 

From what you have written, it sounds like he could just be the stereotypical insensitive male clod... but is very hard to tell...

 

If we are talking about a little porn then maybe you are overreacting, if we are talking about something more extreme, then maybe your point is entirely valid...either way, you will have to learn to communicate and compromise and both try harder to understand and accomodate each other...

 

I think MC and/or marriage builders and/or marriage encounters weekend might be in order...

 

Best of luck...

[Ronni_W]

(Thanks, Federica .)

 

If you love someone and they cry because of the way they feel because of the things that you’ve done would’nt you fix it so they would never have to cry again?

No. Not even parents can do that for their children 100% of the time. Adults are responsible for improving their own upsetting situations -- by changing their expectations/demands to 'realistic and reasonable'; by developing perspectives that closer match their reality; by healing/resolving emotionally traumatic memories so that they don't interfere with current-day events; by detaching/removing themselves from the upsetting situation.

 

I can't get a handle on what has you so upset, though, so it's difficult to offer anything that might be remotely useful.

 

Perhaps an individual counselor will help you determine if your expectations, desires and requests are reasonable and realistic, taking into account such factors as your husband's strengths, skills, intellect, weaknesses, limitations, personal needs and wants, etc.

 

I get that you are unhappy. I agree that dishonesty is not a good thing. I don't agree that your husband has an obligation to just do whatever you need done, so as for you to not ever be unhappy.

There's a risk that you are using tears to try to manipulate your husband, I mean. That is a maladaptive coping strategy, in adulthood. Is it a possibility, in your case?

 

I do not know what you feel a "wife should not see" -- if you are married to a porn addict, no amount of tears will resolve that.

In-person marriage counseling would be called for, which may well lead to individual counseling for him. You need to do something adult and constructive to resolve whatever it is.

 

EDIT: Am I understanding correctly that whatever it is was okay BEFORE you got married, but since you are married you feel the marriage license makes it "wrong" or "inappropriate"? If so, that is an inaccurate belief -- your mind and heart either are, or are not, okay with whatever. A wedding ceremony doesn't change who you are, your preferences, desires, dislikes, etc. At least, it ought not to -- it might be a good place to start, to reflect upon and/or reframe the misguided belief(s) about marriage and spousal responsibilities and obligations.

[KismetGirl]

can you give us a better idea of what you "found"? I mean, this is an anonymous board, we don't know who you are, so it might be easier to give advice if we know what exactly he's been lying about.....

[gabijo06]

Sorry about the bold text and how long it was but I just wanted to get it out. What he kept from me was just a simple text message that I understand is something very small and what I just did'nt understand at the time was that it was nothing and why would he keep it from me? Why did'nt he just tell me when he got it instead of it coming out a month later. And please know that when it did come out he still lied about it to my face that he didnt get one until he finally admitted it after about an hour. That was the first time that I thought OMG who did I really marry.

 

 

My thinking is that if he will lie about something so small that does'nt even warrent a lie then of course he will lie about something big. I know that you all are maybe thinking this is such a small lie to be angry about and trust me if this were the only little lie or thing he has kept from me then your right, we would'nt be having these issues anymore. But it has'nt. He cannot keep his word about anyhting. If he says he is going to do something he NEVER follows thru no matter how small they are. For example....When we got married, I moved across the country to be with him which was my choice and so we are now living in his him he had before we got married and I simply asked him to please place all the picutres of him with his exes and letters and so forth that I had already come across when we were trying to make room for my things in a box if he did'nt want to throw them away and just simply put them in storage because I did'nt want to come across things or be worried about going thru something and finding things that were maybe things that I would'nt want to see as his wife. And he promised to go thru everything and I assumed he had but still to this day I am finding things even in places that I have seen him go thru with my own eyes.

 

 

I understand that this might sound very silly to you all but it's the amount of things. I can't believe anything that he says, if he tells me something I want to believe him soo badly. I don't want any of you to think that "oh she is just overacting" because I am not. Please understand that it wou;d take me a month to write on here all the little things that he has lied about or the things that he has said he would do but does'nt. And what makes it worse is that if he gives his word to someone else he always keeps it. I can't really explain it in the right way unless you've been thru it. There are just so many things that are very little and I just still can't understand why he does it. Things are still happening to this day.

 

I don't get why it does'nt bother him that he can't keep his word to me and still continues to lie about little things that if he would just tell the turth or not keep it from me when it happens then it would not be an arguement nor an issue. It's a continuous cycle that dosn't seem to be getting any better. I would have hoped and prayed that by now he would understand that his actions have caused alot of problems in our marriage and he would just simply stop. It would be that easy, if he would start to follow thru with his word then alot of this I would hope would get a little better with time. It just makes me feel like my feelings are not important to him. I don't have any respect for him anymore because if he had any for me then he would just simply keep his word and tell the truth.

 

Thank you all for you thoughts and advice...

[LakesideDream]

gabijo06, If that text message wasn't from his doctors saying "Sorry but you have HIV" or from his parole officer reminding him to sign up for Sex Offender classes... I can't imagine how important it can be.

 

Additionally, asking him to go out and rent a storage for pictures from HIS LIFE is ridictulous. That's what magic markers and box tape is for. Put the damn things in a box mark it, "Joes old pictures"... or if you prefer "Pictures of Joe's former Ho's and Sluts" seal it with tape and forget about it. It's not your property, or your concern. Everyone has a history. You have no right to ask him to dispose of his, or hid it away in an expensive storage locker.

 

You have to come up with some better examples of his "bad, untrustworthy behaviou" to be credible.

 

Or.... if there are no children involved... JUST WALK AWAY, it's all the rage, everyone's doing it. Don't worry what your friends, neighbors, or family will say... just do it. Feed your inner goddess.

[LakesideDream]

I understand. I really do. You chose him. You married him. People don't come with warranties. If there were hidden defects, it was up to you to find them and weigh them in your decision to marry.

 

He won't change, just like you won't change. He entered the marriage with defects. He does things you don't like. He "lies" about thing you say are small, but in fact are deal breakers to you. You entered the marriage with your set of emotional issues. Obviously you don't deal well with change, new things, or his inability to "change".

 

Your remedy is clear. If there are no children involved, just walk away. Find a man who presumably measures up to your standards. I suggest looking for a man who has spent his teenage and young adult years in a coma, has no experiances to color his opinion of you. Then you can mold him into exactly what you need in a husband.

 

In the meantime, tape that box of pictures shut, use that magic marker, and put the box away. If necessary put away all his offensive boxes until you make your decision.

 

It's literally a "no fault" world. Enjoy it.

[gabijo06]

Lakesidedream...WoW:confused:...I think the statement that I need to find a man that has been in a coma his whole life just because I do not want a husband that lies on a daily basis and can't seem to follow trhu with anything is very harsh. Are you saying that all men lie? Do you lie? I do not think that I am asking for to much when he gets the same respect from me.

For you to make a comment like that is a bit insensitive. I have had many wonderful and healthy relationships that have never involved being lied to. I joined the forum to be able to get some helpful feedback and advice from people that have had some of the same experiences.

[moonmosaic]

It is possible that he lies to avoid upsetting you then he fails and there is nothing you or he can do about it. He may find nothing wrong having pictures of his exes but if you both agree you can box these pictures up as you come across them without letting your emotions get in the way. It's like picking up dirty clothes after your kids. Don't make a big thing out of it. If you feel that jealousy is getting the better of you think twice; those girls are exes for a reason and you are his wife for another. He maybe writing in this forum in another thread:" I married this lovely girl but after we moved in together her jealous and controlling ways have turned me into a liar."

 

If you really want to understand your husband you have to be his friend while you are discussing serious issues; that means locking your emotions away for the entire conversation and putting yourself into his shoes at the same time.

 

Whether this is achievable is another issue. Sometimes things go on for so long that both partners are incapable of changing their ways.

 

If you want to save this marriage I suggest you approach this whole issue differently. Stop crying, take up a sport, join a meeting group in your area, get busy with your life. If you come across photos put them away in a designated box, I also recommend not going through his phone unnecessarily. You cannot stop your husband from cheating but you can create a happy marriage that will make him think twice about doing it.

 

If you don't think you can do this then trial seperation could also be an option. I am not sure which one of you would enjoy that more.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

He should certainly get rid of the nude pictures (actually should have given them to the ex upon leaving) and should not have an ex's # hidden in his phone after two years of marriage.

 

My H and I both have a 'past' box. In mine, I have letters from my HS sweetheart, photos from several relationships, a wood-burning that my HSS made for me (that I'd like to hang in the house, but, well...), small gifts, etc.

 

I don't know what he has in his.

[Tony T]

What I suspect is that your husband has NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Google that term and read about the features of the disorder. Once you are totally out of love with the guy and can see him for what he really is you may be absolutely amazed at the way he sucked you into all this. So very sorry!

 

Unfortunately, people with NPD are very rarely cured or I would advise you to see a counselor or something. I'd love to be able to give you some positive advice here.

[carhill]

OP, go back and read some of LakesideDream's history. I think it will be helpful. There are many nuggets of wisdom in what he has shared over the years. I have a feeling he's going through a stressful time right now, perhaps much as you are.

 

My best and only advice is work on you. Find and value that person you say you were before you married. If you find that your H is incompatible with that reality, leave him. Incompatibility, even with love, will suck the life out of you. That's what I'm hearing from you. I wish you well

[princessnite1]

I feel the same way in my marriage. The person i have become due to the dishonesty of my husband, promises he made before we married that don't mean a thing to him now and the amount to which i have given in to things he wants even though its not the best thing for us or our family, just to keep him happy, make me feel that i have no standards of what i feel i will stand for. because to make everything okay in our life i give in and keep the pain it causes me to myself and you don't want to let others know that your whole life is so out of control and you are empty on the inside and can't see how it can get better with your spouse.

[Angel1111]

I think it's your insistence on not divorcing that's keeping you where you are. If you can't trust him, then you need to leave. You can talk and negotiate until the cows come home but the bottom line will always stay the same. People do not change so don't waste your time trying. There is no worse use of time than that. He is who he is. If you don't like who he is or can't accept him, then get out before you waste anymore of your life and his.

 

And, yes, lots of men lie. But if you have high standards, then make sure that the next person you get involved with shares those same standards and values.

[malcom5]

I don't see her request as anything out of the ordinary, or being unreasonable. I don't see how her asking her husband to put those things away is such a huge deal. I don't recall her ever asking the husband to destroy pictures/letters/videos and what have you. Everyone has a past, true enough. But you don't leave things like that around your house anymore when you have a wife who lives with you. It's just the right thing to do. To show respect toward your marriage and to your wife.

 

With that said, I can't think of anything to tell you that hasn't already been said. Trust is a very crucial thing in a relationship. It's the foundation above all else, imo. If you can't trust the very person who you've made a vow to, there's no hope. Always wondering what he's doing, who he's seeing. I think you should have a very serious talk with him. Maybe even consider MC at this point. Or, start thinking seriously about divorce.

 

I hope that whatever you decide, it brings you peace and happiness. Good luck.

[galicat]

ok gabijo06, you poor thing. thi situation sux and i wish i could talk to you because i have been in a very similar situation and i find they just snowball (one little lie/slight and yoiu start noticing more and more, he doesn't aqppear to care or want to deal with it, this upsets you, makes him care less but allt he time says he loves you and not to 'go on' about it). you are alowed to have the standards you do and he knew what these were so for those people that think your over reacting i caqn see your point and these things are cumulative and indicative to you of bigger and more serious issues so i understand where you are comming from. i have to say though, as an outsider (and this is interesting for me as i have struggled to see the wood for the trees in similar situations) is that you are so sad and down you are focusing on the bad stuff now. he doesn't sound like hes beging pro active adn caring at all and it is just plain slack the way he hasn't followed up on his tasks/expectations re some things to porve to you that he is there for you and cares regardless of what he or anyone else thinks this is importnat to you and he sho9uld respect that. i think he is naughty and rude for this but i also think that he os just being an immature boy because he can't deal witht he situation and doesn't want to admit fault because he feels you have gone over the top or somthing (just my thoughts) and hoeps you will snap out of it and see it for the little thing it is (to him). it seams li,ke misscommunciation all round for me. he comes in to kiss you goodnight and then you sway he repetes his mistakes the next day. i can see how this would make you feel but i don'[t think he is trying to hurt you, he just can't deal with it and is being a lazy guy and hoping the situation will just remidy itself. I personally think you need to get away for a week or two for your own sake. swollow your pride and go and stay with some friends or family. don't suffer allone. leave him to think about things and miss you. find yourself a bit then decide reaifrm the standards you want to live by and explain these calmly to him. you are not expecting too much but if a guy feels blamed and like your emotions are out of control they usually (in my experiance anyway) don't deal with these things well, even when they are obviously the ones at fault. you are right to feel let down and hurt and i can see your logic in not understanding his actions and being hurt by them. you are too 'in it' to see and think clearly though. get awaya nd give it some time then come back and have a clear conversation with him. my partner and i did a 'landmark forum' course (run al round the work by landmark education) and i would highly reccomend this for you both to clear the air and hurt. good luck. i know what it feels like to give so much away for somone then be hurt and feel stuck in a crazy cycle and become isolated from friends and family. the key i think is to get out and never isolate yourself again. you need to work on getting your old self back and not relaying so much on this man so that when he slips up its not the end of your world )

[dannydrifter]

Sorry about the bold text and how long it was but I just wanted to get it out. What he kept from me was just a simple text message that I understand is something very small and what I just did'nt understand at the time was that it was nothing and why would he keep it from me? Why did'nt he just tell me when he got it instead of it coming out a month later. And please know that when it did come out he still lied about it to my face that he didnt get one until he finally admitted it after about an hour. That was the first time that I thought OMG who did I really marry.

 

IMO I think you are emotionally high maintenance. If you were my wife we would be having major problems too. Just because you are married does that mean your husband is supposed to tell you what color his sh*t is, and if he doesn't will it cause you to have a traumatic episode?

[BeRealistic]

The solution to your problem is as follows:

 

1) Try your hardest, until you can try no more, to fix this problem.

 

2) Give it enough time, and give him enough chances to change to the point that you've given enough. This includes informing him slowly, but progressively, that you may reach a point of no return, but informing him in a way that shows VERY obviously that you dont want that. Dont use it as a threat.

 

3) Conduct yourself blamelessly through the process so you dont complicate the situation by your own reactions, or anger, or hurt. Let the situation be enough drama for itself. Dont add to it.

 

4) If it gets to the point that there is no solution and no change, and sufficient time has been given, and sufficient chances have been given, make the decision to move on. It is not wrong to want to be happy, and you know just as many people as I do who stayed when they shouldn't have, and lost years of their lives.

 

When you were 16 yrs old, 18 years old, 20 years old, 24 years old, and "in love", when things didnt work out, you broke up. You haven't EVOLVED into another species of human called "MARRIAGABLE" now, where you're suddenly endowed with super human powers to NEVER break up, and you can throw all your eggs into one basket (marriage) and demand that it works NO MATTER what. You are still a human, and just because people have created this thing called "Marriage" and slapped insane, unreasonable expectations on it, doesnt mean its realistic. Some relationships work and some don't. We shouldn't have to live in misery and self torture just because society tells us we're bad people if we divorce.

[BeRealistic]

IMO I think you are emotionally high maintenance. If you were my wife we would be having major problems too. Just because you are married does that mean your husband is supposed to tell you what color his sh*t is, and if he doesn't will it cause you to have a traumatic episode?

Even though you sound like a monumental dick in your post, the response to your comment is also very simple. If she's being unreasonable, and torturing the guy, then he will eventually discontinue the relationship too. I know plenty of women like you describe, and I know plenty of guys who put up with it to the point that they are now literally on panic attack and anti-depressant medications. Im not kidding. Id rather kill myself than have to medicate myself because of my wife. Lets just hope both parties know that life is far too short to be that unhappy, and one or both of them move on.