Controlling!!

[littlebit]

Hey guys, thank your for taking the time to read my thread. Anyway, my fiance and I are suppose to be getting married on January 3, 2009, we have everything together, put deposits and worked out payment arrangements with everyone. Now three months before my wedding my controlling mother says she is not paying what she agreed to pay if I invite my sister because they are not getting along and she does not want to be around her. Meanwhile, my fiance and I having budgeted for what we thought we were responsible for, do not have the money to pay for the entire wedding. I cannot believe my mother is acting this way. now we may have to elope because the two of us just simply want to get married. I love him, he is great, I am just so hurt and embarrassed that my mother is doing this. I don't think I can have anything to do with her again. His family have already bought plane tickets for the wedding, bridesmaids have bought there dresses and I just can't believe this. Either can my fiance. He seems to think she will come around, I don't know though she can be evil. I have been such a caring loving daughter to her. There every time she calls. She is just to controlling for me anymore. Any insite.

 

Thank you

[Ronni_W]

(((hugs))) That does suck. It happens sometimes...a mom or dad can't properly process their own feelings about a beloved child getting married, and they end up all dysfunctional about the wedding.

OTOH, she's obviously already alienated your sister and, as you say, is also controlling and manipulative.

 

Have you told her that it is NOT going to work, this time? That you will prefer to elope than to exclude your sister from your BIG day? Personally, I would go full-fledged, functional adult -- tell her that you will likely be asked about the major change in plans, and that you will not lie just to protect her, and your will not cover-up her actions nor her reason for not keeping her promise of financial assistance.

 

To lie for her and/or make up some excuse about the change in your wedding plans, would just be you enabling her controlling and manipulative behaviour. It's only going to stop if you do something to not let it continue.

 

Sometimes mom's can be so freakin'...???...can't they? Infuriating and frustrating.

Have you told her how much this is hurting you, and that you honestly have no idea how it will affect your future mother-daughter relationship?

 

I guess it is taking away quite a bit of the joy and happiness of this phase of your life. Nonetheless, I do wish you and your future groom well in these months leading up to your wedding. Hopefully you will have the wedding that you've all along been planning.

It is about you and your future husband -- do what you gotta do, to make it a special time for you two, first and foremost, and for all those who remain loving, supportive and happy for you.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, I hate to say it, but I agree. You have to come the sensible adult here who refuses to be manipulated.

Tell her that you feel her reneging on her promise at this late stage is extremely unfair.

She may well have an issue with your sister, but this is no way to register her displeasure, and she should keep it between herself and your sister, not use your affections as a manupulative tool with which to show her animosity.

This is YOUR day, not hers.

You have invited them both, because you want them both there on your big day.

You would therefore ask her to not use her particular and personal gripes to ruin it.

If she chooses to so radically alter plans in this way, then she will have to add you to the list of people she has issues with. How long is this list going to get?

 

be strong, be firm, be polite and be final.

[littlebit]

Thanks guys, this is exactly what I am doing and plan to keep doing b/c as much as I want the wedding we have planned, I have to stand my ground on this one. This is my question as well, how long is the list going to get. It is already pretty long. The problem is no one sticks to anything with her. Thankgoodness I have a supportive groom who is taking this all quite well.

[2sure]

Your wedding is one of the most memorable days of your life. Don't let this manipulation ruin the fun plans leading up to it, be a black cloud lurking on your wedding day, and after - when you think of your day, you will have all this mess in your memories of it as well.

 

Sounds like you love your family, regardless of their issues, just like so many of us. But if your Mom will hold this over your head in this way...if you let her pay for your wedding (even part) - she will never let you forget it.

 

Change your plans. Lose some money. Lose same face.

You will be marrying the man of your dreams, your day will be beautiful and untarnished.

[Enema]

Good post Geisha, I agree with all of it.

[littlebit]

So I have not heard from my mom yet and I am getting more and more anxious and upset about the situation. My fiance says that if she does not call by the 15th he will call her and nicely ask her what her plans are as far as being a part of our wedding because if she does not want to be apart of it we will have to make other plans, but that if we are going to have the wedding then things need to progress like sending out invitations and paying off deposits. I rather him call than me because she will be more honest and less argumentative with him just asking specifics. Thanks all!!!

[sb129]

Hey Littlebit- I am getting married on the same day, will be thinking of you wherever you are in the world!

 

I absolutely agree with Geisha. While family are a very important part of anyones wedding day, the wedding is about the bride and groom and any grievances not concerning them should be put aside so that the B&G can have a happy day without anyone elses baggage ruining it.

 

Maybe you should write your mom an email or letter outlining how you feel, and that you want BOTH her and your sister to be present, as it means alot to YOU. Be polite and reasonable, and tell her that it would mean alot to you if she could put her feelings aside for one day so that you can have a great wedding.