is the picture on the wall crooked? or is it just me?

[whereisthelight]

ok...its been a long long time and my STBXH has not signed the divorce papers. He keeps holding on to them. However, before you think that maybe he does not want the divorce...Let me tell you that he is living with his girlfriend that he cheated with. Yes, he is living with her. He says that he is happy. At times, he is mean and talks crap about me to others. At other times, he is super nice to me and helps me with stuff. I have been with him for many years. I've been trying to stay away from him. But...I sometimes still worry about him because at times he looks so miserable. He acts insane sometimes, like he has lost his mind. Sometimes...when he wants to do stuff with his girlfriend and our kids... I cringe..i feel sick. Not too sick... just enough for me to come and bear my soul to the World Wide Web! I don't know what to do anymore. I have given up on asking him to sign the papers. I wonder if he still cares about me. I wonder if he will notice that I'm staying away from him. I still wonder...things. I think that is what power looks like. I do have to say that I am, belive it or not, getting better. I think Im ready to move on and meet someone and then when it looks possible... i bolt. I guess i got real hurt. He used to tell me that I was the only one he could love. Now...he's with someone else and sometimes treating me like i did something so terribly wrong. My friends closest to me say that he is trying to deal with the guilt. So he blames things on me. What am I looking for from you? Please tell me if I am crazy? Tell me if its normal to cringe after almost 2 years. Tell me if it is normal to have a STBX that hasnt' signed papers but still shouts out to the world that he is happy. Can anyone relate to what he is going through?? maybe you can explain it to me, so i don't think that i'm going insane.

[pelicanpreacher]

ok...its been a long long time and my STBXH has not signed the divorce papers. He keeps holding on to them. However, before you think that maybe he does not want the divorce...Let me tell you that he is living with his girlfriend that he cheated with. Yes, he is living with her. He says that he is happy. At times, he is mean and talks crap about me to others. At other times, he is super nice to me and helps me with stuff. I have been with him for many years. I've been trying to stay away from him. But...I sometimes still worry about him because at times he looks so miserable. He acts insane sometimes, like he has lost his mind. Sometimes...when he wants to do stuff with his girlfriend and our kids... I cringe..i feel sick. Not too sick... just enough for me to come and bear my soul to the World Wide Web! I don't know what to do anymore. I have given up on asking him to sign the papers. I wonder if he still cares about me. I wonder if he will notice that I'm staying away from him. I still wonder...things. I think that is what power looks like. I do have to say that I am, belive it or not, getting better. I think Im ready to move on and meet someone and then when it looks possible... i bolt. I guess i got real hurt. He used to tell me that I was the only one he could love. Now...he's with someone else and sometimes treating me like i did something so terribly wrong. My friends closest to me say that he is trying to deal with the guilt. So he blames things on me. What am I looking for from you? Please tell me if I am crazy? Tell me if its normal to cringe after almost 2 years. Tell me if it is normal to have a STBX that hasnt' signed papers but still shouts out to the world that he is happy. Can anyone relate to what he is going through?? maybe you can explain it to me, so i don't think that i'm going insane.

 

There must be a way to wrest control from him on the signing issue. I would explore what the requirements for abandonment are and if possible refile under those terms. This would make him sh#t or get off the pot! He's behaving in a completely childish manner which requires you to take the initiative for getting the divorce accomplished by making him powerless to interfere.

 

Good luck!

[Simplycaroline]

ok...its been a long long time and my STBXH has not signed the divorce papers. He keeps holding on to them. However, before you think that maybe he does not want the divorce...Let me tell you that he is living with his girlfriend that he cheated with. Yes, he is living with her. He says that he is happy. At times, he is mean and talks crap about me to others. At other times, he is super nice to me and helps me with stuff. I have been with him for many years. I've been trying to stay away from him. But...I sometimes still worry about him because at times he looks so miserable. He acts insane sometimes, like he has lost his mind. Sometimes...when he wants to do stuff with his girlfriend and our kids... I cringe..i feel sick. Not too sick... just enough for me to come and bear my soul to the World Wide Web! I don't know what to do anymore. I have given up on asking him to sign the papers. I wonder if he still cares about me. I wonder if he will notice that I'm staying away from him. I still wonder...things. I think that is what power looks like. I do have to say that I am, belive it or not, getting better. I think Im ready to move on and meet someone and then when it looks possible... i bolt. I guess i got real hurt. He used to tell me that I was the only one he could love. Now...he's with someone else and sometimes treating me like i did something so terribly wrong. My friends closest to me say that he is trying to deal with the guilt. So he blames things on me. What am I looking for from you? Please tell me if I am crazy? Tell me if its normal to cringe after almost 2 years. Tell me if it is normal to have a STBX that hasnt' signed papers but still shouts out to the world that he is happy. Can anyone relate to what he is going through?? maybe you can explain it to me, so i don't think that i'm going insane.

 

I am sure that there is a way to get your divorce without his consent. He is just abusing the power over you because you are allow it. You have a lot to look forward to, with a lot to offer the right person I am sure. You are not his punching bag. Meet a wonderful man that has respect and nothing but love for you. Visualise this horrible man out of your life.

[Geishawhelk]

You get a good freind to go with you.

You knock at the door one evening.

You wait until whoever answers the door.

You then ask, very politely, if you could please collect the signed divorce papers.

If you get a torrent of abuse, or the door slammed in your face, call your lawyer/solicitor, and explain the situation.

Then get them to write a letter.

or just go that route from right away.

[Ronni_W]

Have you checked with your own divorce lawyer? In some jurisdictions, if the papers aren't signed back within a period of time, then it is deemed 'uncontested' and the divorce proceeds, anyway. At least, that is how it was in my case.

 

Some people don't sign because then they cannot get remarried -- so when new partner starts whining for a wedding, former spouse can just say, "I would if I could but I can't." It can come in very handy.

 

Two years isn't a short time to still be cringing. Perhaps just that not having the papers signed has been kind of holding back that last bit of 'moving forward'? Likely it will get much better once it's finalized.

[TrustInYourself]

What is not to understand? He blames you. He loves you. He loves the other woman. He feels regret and shame. He feels justified, yet guilty.

 

He's selfish and incapable of taking responsibility for his actions and part in the deterioration of your marriage. He lashes out because he is helpless and angry. He is nice because he still values your love, yet is trapped by his ruthless and selfish decision to have an affair. He feels trapped by his own mistakes, incapable of changing or addressing your marriage in a responsible and loving fashion, he acts out violently and irrationally.

 

I hope that helps.

[Trimmer]

What papers are you trying to get him to sign? Did you initially plan that he would "join" the petition to start the process? That's great if it works, but as you can see, he can hold up the process through inaction.

 

I'm not a lawyer, but depending on where you are, you can file the papers yourself as the "petitioner", then he automatically becomes the "respondent." With this path you will have to have him served with the papers, then he has a very specific process that he has to go through in a very specific amount of time - all defined by the laws of your state - and if he doesn't respond, as the earlier poster mentioned, the divorce process moves on without him.

 

Are you using a lawyer, or trying to do it yourself? It may be worth consulting a lawyer if you are not already.

[TrustInYourself]

If you want a divorce, there are means of getting a divorce, regardless of the amount of participation by the other spouse.

 

Your situation and your perspective speaks volumes on why you have not acted so far. You're confused and still have emotions for this man who has betrayed you, vice versa. Which is cool and I can respect that totally.

 

Clarity comes from deciding what you want, regardless of what the outside world tells you to want. Follow your heart, search your soul, and determine the course of action that you feel best suits your best interests.

 

The ultimate fate of your relationship lies within the hands of the person who is more emotionally secure and loving. Be that person. Take care.

[RecordProducer]

I think you became interesting when you filed for divorce. He wants to torture both you and the girlfriend by not signing. He also might be unsure about divorcing you, but you don't need a guy like him. Don't even question his motives. Sorry about your pain, it will go away. No, you're not crazy for feeling this way.

Have you checked with your own divorce lawyer? In some jurisdictions, if the papers aren't signed back within a period of time, then it is deemed 'uncontested' and the divorce proceeds, anyway. At least, that is how it was in my case.

I don't think her problem is how to make him sign the divorce papers.

[TrustInYourself]

I think the question is twofold.

 

Does she want him to sign?

 

Does he want to sign?

 

And now we deal with the circumstances of the situation. Oh what a tangled web we weave!

[whereisthelight]

thanks guys. It feels like i'm reaching out for help from my friends and you all came through to let me know i'm not crazy.

 

Well, I saw him today. he...believe it or not has talked to me about the divorce. He told me that he would be giving them back to me so I can look them over and turn them into the lawyer.

 

He is so unhappy. I could just tell. But I will NOT reach out to him. We exchange a couple of hugs but that was it. This decision was his. He made the decision to cross to the other side of the fence. For this there are consequences. He may say that he is happy but I know that he is not. I expressed to him that I would cooperate with the divorce and all i wanted was for him to be happy and heathly. He is after all, the father of my children.

 

I can not be his cheerleader. I have my own struggles of being a single mom and my own troubles.

 

His girlfriend is desperate for him to sign the papers. If it was up to her she would prefer that I step out of the picture all together. As time goes by it is seems that I am a very big threat to her. Even though, i have done nothing to persue my husband. Funny, how that all turns out. I have a feeling that she gives him a hard time about anything that has to do with me. maybe i'm wrong. I do know that she is really pushing the divorce. After all they have been together for over two years.

 

I think i still may have feelings for him. I don't know how that is possible. I've been so hurt. I'm scaired to have another relationship in the fear that I may get hurt again. I rather be alone.

 

I'll let you guys know, what happens.

[dgiirl]

I think i still may have feelings for him. I don't know how that is possible. I've been so hurt. I'm scaired to have another relationship in the fear that I may get hurt again. I rather be alone.

 

I'll let you guys know, what happens.

 

These are all perfectly normal feelings, even at two years after the separation. But as you even acknowledge yourself, things are getting easier. Just try and focus on the energy you waste thinking on him to something productive for yourself and your new life.

 

As for him not wanting to sign the papers, you can read a whole lot of things into it, and maybe there is some truth to them, but chances are, he's just being lazy because there's absolutely NO incentive for him to act quickly on it since he seems to have his cake and eat it too. He's already left you and has his girlfriend. Will a divorce bring anything more to his life that he doesnt already have?

 

It's sad that those who initiate the break up of the marriage cant actually clean up their mess. I had to serve my exh with divorce papers too since he was just being a lazy asshat and breaking promises to deliver the papers every week for about 5 months.

 

As for worrying about getting hurt? I think that's a good sign you are not ready to date just yet, so stop putting pressure on yourself and dont worry about it. As time goes on, that fear will lessen, especially when you meet the right person. At least the fear will lessen enough for you to want to try and date anyways. Just take it one day at a time.