Krystal Posted March 30, 2000 Share Posted March 30, 2000 I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have an 18-month-old and a 3-week-old. Since before our first son was born, he has been telling me he wants to marry me. But he has never actually proposed. Now, when I bring up the subject, he says he still wants to but he doesn't have any money to be spending on weddings. I told him that it was a stupid excuse because my family is willing to pay for it all because they just want to see me happy. It's a dream for me to legally and spiritually be his wife, but I'm not sure he feels the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
Pandora Posted March 30, 2000 Share Posted March 30, 2000 It's a sad fact that some men won't commit if they're comfortable with the situation, and you don't put anything on the line. Have you told him you're unhappy with your current situation? Or have you just said (verbally or with your actions) you'd LIKE to get married, but other than that, everything's fine? If everything's not fine, tell him so. Part of the problem is that you're already living like you're married, and the spiritual part doesn't seem to concern him. I have a relative who went through the same thing (though, she didn't have kids). She moved into another room in the house. She lived her life, went to work, went out with her friends. He had to leave her notes when he wanted to see her (meaning, he had to make a date with her). This actually had the effect of adding romance to a stagnant relationship. He proposed to her a month later. I realize that having children makes this course of action difficult for you, but the principle applies. You have to pull away a bit and make him reach out to you. What about sleeping on the couch for a week and seeing how he likes it? Or, if you think something more drastic has to be done, move back in with your parents for a month (if they'll let you), and see what happens when he has to court you again. Either way, if he doesn't do anything to get you back, will you still want to marry him…? Think about it. Pandora Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted March 30, 2000 Share Posted March 30, 2000 He is not eager to marry you because it would serve no purpose for him at this time. You have his two children so you aren't going anywhere. You are his wife in every manner of speaking except on paper. There are laws in most states regarding common law marriages that declare a couple that has live together seven years or more to be legally married. He is highly irresponsible because without marriage, there could be certain legal problems should something happen to you or him. Does he have insurance for the children should something happen to him? Does he have a will? Back to your question. You give him absolutely no movitivation to get married, it's that plain and simple. At this point, he probably wouldn't take you seriously if you put your foot down. We basically teach people early on how to treat us...and you taught him that you will basically go along with whatever he says. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicky Posted March 31, 2000 Share Posted March 31, 2000 He is not eager to marry you because it would serve no purpose for him at this time. You have his two children so you aren't going anywhere. You are his wife in every manner of speaking except on paper. There are laws in most states regarding common law marriages that declare a couple that has live together seven years or more to be legally married. He is highly irresponsible because without marriage, there could be certain legal problems should something happen to you or him. Does he have insurance for the children should something happen to him? Does he have a will? Back to your question. You give him absolutely no movitivation to get married, it's that plain and simple. At this point, he probably wouldn't take you seriously if you put your foot down. We basically teach people early on how to treat us...and you taught him that you will basically go along with whatever he says. I have to say, I disagree with Pandoras advice re: sleeping on the couch. You have a family to consider. I think if I were in his position I would see that as a with-holding of favours to get what you want. Great way to sort out a problem! It could just turn nasty, and then the whole family suffers the fall-out. It smacks of gameplaying to solve a problem, and I don't think it's very productive. Also I would rather my partner really wanted to marry me, rather than feel I had coerced him into it. Additionally, it sounds like he wants to marry. He's mentioned it enough, and doesn't seem to have a problem with it. Your not writing in about a partner that hasn't mentioned it in 10yrs. He's a grown man, with a family, why would he be OK for your family to pay for the wedding? Are you sure that that isn't partly the issue? Hope you sort it out anyway! All the best Link to post Share on other sites
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