Natalie Posted August 22, 2003 Share Posted August 22, 2003 Hello everyone, During my time working in a small office, I met this particular client of ours who at first seems to be very a nice person. He is 3 times my ages; I'm 32.. Fortunate for him that at his age he is still capable of doing all sorts of activities e.g. mountain climbing, horseback riding...at least that's what he made us believe for he is pretty active. Months passed by and we have build a very pleasant relationship with each other. I would always treat him with respect and he'd do the same thing....well, I suppose...until one day he came to the office and told me, in the presence of my manager, that he has a friend who came from abroad. And this friend gave him something (a present) to give to his girlfriend. So he felt kinda silly for he didn't have a girlfriend...he's too old....so the only person he could think of giving the present to was me. So he handed the gift to me while he was saying to me to please not to feel offended by the gift. Of course I wouldn't. I thought it was very nice of him. I wanted to open the gift right away, but something told me to save that for later. When everyone was gone, I opened the little wrapper and almost puked when I saw what was inside. It was a beige color lace bikini. I felt my stomach turned inside out. First of all because I had so much respect for this man. And second because I feel so insulted by his action. What kind of person did he think I was? I couldn't help it but cry and can't imagine that someone thought of me that way. I don't really know how to handle this situation. Should I tell him: "I don't know what your intentions are. Thanks, but no thanks," and avoid any contact with him in the future. Should I tell my manager? Should I just don't say anything and avoid him for the rest of my life? Should I throw the panty in his face and cursed the hell out of him?? I don't know. From Upset Stomach Link to post Share on other sites
Clancy Posted August 22, 2003 Share Posted August 22, 2003 Hi, I think you will need to ask your manager to sit with you and the old guy so that you can give the gift back and tell him very firmly that you do not accept gifts like that from co workers and plus that you feel that him giving you that kind of gift was totally innappropriate. You don't have to get angry at him just be clear and firm. The reason why I think you need to do this is that you are clearly shaken and upset by this gift and I do not believe that the negative feelings will ever really leave you unless you take action with pride. If not you will always feel some shame and anger whenever you are in contact with this fellow. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted August 22, 2003 Share Posted August 22, 2003 Do you think that maybe you over reacted just a little bit to the gift? You cried because someone gave you a bikini? I think you jumped to the conclusion that the old guy was trying to hit on you subtly. He said someone gave him the gift and that he didn't have anyone to give it to. He obviously never opened it and knew it was a bikini but not exactly what it looked like. I think it was just a generous gesture and not a suggestive one. I mean the man is OLD and he told you not to take offense to what was inside. Maybe he thought you could use it, you know? I think you jumped the gun on this one so before you react meanly to the old man, calm down and try to see it from another perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Baubles Posted September 7, 2003 Share Posted September 7, 2003 I would let it go...if the guy asks you how you liked it- laugh it off and say it wasn't quite appropriate for you. he hadn't opened it- didn't quite know what it was...even if he did...as he's 94...I don't think he was trying to proposition you. I don't blame you for being weirded out (I would have been too) - but I would NOT discuss it w/ client or manager, other than as an anecdote. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natalie Posted September 7, 2003 Author Share Posted September 7, 2003 This is what happened after that whole incident. My manager did ask me what it was that the guy gave me. So I turned purple again and told him that it was quite embarrassing. When I finally spitted it out, he was surprised himself. I later wrote the old man a little note and put it in an envelope together with the gift. I have been waiting for him to stop by again so I could give him the note, but he hasn't as yet. And as a matter of fact, I actually forgot about this already. I'm not angry anymore and am more relaxed now. But I know that when the old man will stop by one day, my behaviour towards him will be a lot different. There will be no conversation other than business and that's it. I just want to be on the safe side. I may not even give him the note anymore, I kinda forget about it. It's still there on my desk up to now. Thanks for the replies everyone. I really appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natalie Posted September 9, 2003 Author Share Posted September 9, 2003 He came in the office yesterday. Like I said, I was going to act completely in control. No conversation whatsoever about the gift or that nature. Despite me trying to be brave, I still heard anger and sarcasm in my voice when I answered on his hello and how are you. He felt that there was a tense atmosphere. I gave him the envelope and he was about to open it when my manager walked in. He put the envelope away and didn't stay long as he usually does. I haven't heard from him as yet since then. I wonder what his next move will be. PS: Before all of this happened, he gave me a whole set of papers (approx. 70 pages) to type up. It is a book that he wrote and he wanted it all printed nicely. So I decided to do that for him. I haven't charged him anything yet and we haven't spoken about the price either. I am almost finished with it when this whole thing happened. I have decided to finish my typing and live up to my promise and give him back his book. I won't even mention anything about the price or so. He will feel really bad and that's how I want him to feel. BAD!!! Or should I just charge him for my job.....a lot more than I was supposed to??? ...lol.. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 I really don't understand why you are bitter and sarcastic against an OLD MAN who gave you a bikini?!? Am I missing something here? Jesus, the old guy probably thought you could use it. I highly doubt he was trying to hit on you. How about entertaining this idea... TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT. Ask him what his intentions were and give him a chance to tell you his side of things. I am sure he understands that you would be wary about it at first but I think he was trying to squelch the uncomfortableness of it all by saying to you initially not to take offense to what was inside. Communication and being open does wonders for interpersonal relationships. I think you're going about this the wrong way. Charging him extra for his book is not the mature way to handle it. Put your negative energy into talking it over with him. That's truely the only way to resolve all of this. Anything else is just silly immature behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
km82794 Posted September 9, 2003 Share Posted September 9, 2003 Being that you said the guy has always been respectful in the past, I would let it go and don't take if offensively. It could be, that he didn't even know what was in the package. It could have been wrapped ahead of time. The person who gave it to him could have just said, it's a bikini, give it to your girlfriend. Or, since you're a young woman, he might of thought you could wear it for your boyfriend. If the guy would have said "I want you to model it for me", I would think differently, but he didn't, so let it go because he might have meant no harm by it. Also, he did tell you "Don't take it offensively" beforehand. Just my thoughts I had an old guy try and lift up my skort at Dairy Mart the other day. He wanted to know how those things worked?!?!?!? Not that almost required a slap. Lucky for him, I'm still young and quick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natalie Posted September 10, 2003 Author Share Posted September 10, 2003 It could be that the guy knew what was in the package, because he put it himself in there and just used his "friend" to protect himself since he didn't know how I was going to react. AND say if I am wrong about that, then still if the guy received this present from a friend to give to his girlfriend, he should open it first to find out what was inside before he gave it to anyone. He shouldn't give anyone a gift without finding out first what the content is. AND still it's a bikini. You don't give ANYONE a gift like that. Doesn't matter if I am a young girl or old girl. I'M NOT HIS GIRL. AND yes, it's a free world, people have different opinions about this....he thinks it's ok, but I don't think it's ok. So I don't have to accept it. That's why I gave it back. I have never insulted him, never threw the panty at his face, never slapped him...no, I just gave it back, cause it made me nauseous. Wrote him a nice letter stating that I cannot and shall not ever accept any such gift and I don't know what his intentions were. That's it. Next time if he thinks of giving me a gift, he'll consider that... Leikela...I'll talk to him about it when he comes back. About the charging him much more for the book, well, it was in my thoughts, but I'm not that kinda person. I'd rather give him without ever mentioning money....may be considered as a gift (smile)...maybe he could learn something about gift giving from that.... lol... Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 Natalie, you and I may be in the minority here. Intimate garments are a most insulting present from anyone who could not legitimately be present when you were putting them on. We can give him the benefit of the doubt and just assume he is absolutely clueless (although, I think your instincts were correct and this was something he did quite intentionally). The only real issue is how to return this present without grossly offending him - since he is a client. I would focus here on dignity and self-control. No tears, no notes, no discussions, just a rewrapped package handed back to him with a frosty yet correct, "I'm sure you know that I won't accept this". And I would make quite sure to emphasize cool correctness in all future dealings with him. His coarseness reflects on him and him alone. Your response to it reflects on you. Hence the method above. Hope you've shaken this one off by now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natalie Posted October 16, 2003 Author Share Posted October 16, 2003 ArdeaCandidissima .....finally someone on my side. Talking about instinct...believe me when I say that a woman knows when a man wants "something" from her. You should see the way he used to look at me when I stood up from my chair or needed to get something from the other room or so. I never really made a big deal out of it, as long as it stayed like that. I want to add to this also, that I never wear any clothes that would initiate him to think this way about me. Anyway, I'm happy this is over. What happened after? Well, I wrote him a nice, decent, but a very effective letter, saying that I was returning the gift to him, 'cause I think it is a very inappropriate one. That I will not and shall not ever except a gift like this from him. That I didn't know what his intentions were. And that I have always treated him with respect and would appreciate it if he would treat me the same way too. Surprisingly he came back numerous times after reading the letter but never mentioned anything about the contents or the gift whatsoever. So I assume he knew what was inside the wrapper since he never tried to defend himself. And he never apologized. Well, I guess some people have their own ways of dealing with things. We are still talking to each other, but of course, now he knows how far he can go with me. Link to post Share on other sites
cliche_boy Posted October 16, 2003 Share Posted October 16, 2003 *shakes head* ignorant oblivious women. all men think about women like that, and the stupid women are the ones like "na, hes just a friend, no impure thoughts at all" Link to post Share on other sites
ArdeaCandidissima Posted October 17, 2003 Share Posted October 17, 2003 Cliche Boy, the issue here is not the Dirty Ol' Man's thoughts, but his actions. I wouldn't dream of policing his brain, but yes, we do expect him to refrain from open insult. I have some scary thoughts in my head, but I'd never act them out on you. Hope you can see the difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Natalie Posted October 17, 2003 Author Share Posted October 17, 2003 cliche_boy ..... "all men think about women like that, and the stupid women are the ones like "na, hes just a friend, no impure thoughts at all" You say "all men" .... are you talking for all the men? I've heard that many times, but I don't know if it's true, 'cause usually the men don't act their thoughts out. Unfortunately, I still don't have the ability to read someone's mind. Who are we to judge anyone? I won't think of anyone being guilty unless they are by proving themselves guilty. I have a strong believe in giving someone a chance to prove him/herself. I don't mind him looking hungrily at me, but as long as he keeps his horny thoughts for himself. He's 90 for heavensake. Argh!!! How creepy is that!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 why don't you donate this gift to the homeless shelter. then you can tell him you donated it & be charitable about it. someone who needs it will have it. Link to post Share on other sites
pinkroses Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 your reaction was over the top at all. I think the gift was inappropriate, whether he knew what was in it or not. If a younger man gave it to you, he could be in trouble for sexual harrassment. Just because a man is past 90 doesn't mean anything goes as far as his behavior. It sounds like you did the right thing giving it back, and giving him a polite note explaining why. There's no reason to ruin your professional relationship over it, but you also had a right to let him know your standards and boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
dazedinnc Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 Hmm, certainly not appropriate. Okay, so I'm an older man.... here's my thoughts. He's not really 96 which is 3 times your age...correct? Is he 64, twice your age? The gift is entirely inappropriate. I see you've already told your boss...but what I think I would have done is not turn on him. YOU said you respected him. They why are you so angry. I can see being surprised and even a little shocked. Your "I almost puked" response makes me think that this guy either flirts with you all the time or touches you weird or hugs you weird or something...that ALREADY pisses you off. Your response is more like a "straw that broke the camel's back" kind of thing...like it has been building up. So if he's been acting inappropriate all along, it is time to make him stand back and stop that kind of thing. If this is the first time, you could keep your work friendship by NOT going to the boss and giving him the gift back and saying something like "I have a lot of respect for you and can't believe you would give me such an innapropriate gift". I hope I haven't given you any impression that I would receive THAT personal a gift from you! Here don't ever do that again please. " Then back to work and he knows he can still say hi and ask how your day is going and work with you. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 The sex gift was way inappropriate and created an uncomfortable, if not hostile, work environment. Sexual harassment can occur even if committed by clients of the employer and not by the employer or co-workers. If you don't want any more signs of sexual interest from the old geezer, tell your employer that in accordance with your sexual harassment policy at work. Complain about this unwanted sexual attention and tell your employer it should not be repeated.Have your employer return the gift to the horney old bastrad. What hath Viagra wrought! Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted March 21, 2004 Share Posted March 21, 2004 This happened to me once. I was 18 and someone I worked with gave me a present on my birthday (knickers from a sex shop) in front of all of my colleagues. They all knew what the gift was as I opened it and thought it was really funny. I was really upset about it because I felt I had to laugh it off and not make a scene rather than doing what I wanted to do which was go over there and knee the b*stard in the balls. If your reaction was anything like mine I'd say don't worry what he or anyone else thinks, just do whatever makes you feel better about the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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