donnist Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 My partner and I have been living together for about seven months now and have a nine month old son. As she was bathing him in the tub he slipped and hit his head on the tub. When I hear the commotion I quickly ran to see what had happened. The baby was crying and she was consoling him I could tell it was an accident and that she was truly hurt. I felt like it was my fault as well even though I wasn't there. I asked her what happened and she said: "He was reaching for the drain stopper and he slipped and hit his head". After we got him out, dried and bandaged up I ask her in a monotone voice, "Could you be more careful?" She got soooo angry. She went on saying that this is not the first time I asked her this and why am I trying to make her feel worse when she already feels bad. God knows that thats not what the case is. I just needed some sort of comforting for myself after seeing him crying like that. Am I being selfish for doing this? Should I have tried to comfort her too? Can somebody help me please... I need some sort of alternate insight to this. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 Why did you say it to her in the first place? She's obviously as upset as you are to see him crying but you know, you can't wrap kids in cotton wool. Accidents happen. Don't say it. There's no need, and it hurts. It makes her feel inadequate. Why didn't you bathe him? Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 I totally get this because it happens in my M all the time and makes me nuts. An accident happens, you are very nervous and fearful about it. Something in you wants to attach blame so that internally you can be reassured that if the responsibile party corrects their act nothing really bad can happen. The problem with this is, as geishawhelk said, accidents happen. Nobody can be 100% vigilant 100% of the time. Most of us already do our best...I could understand your comment if this was happening daily and it was apparent that she was incompetent to handle the child. But, for some people, like my H, assigning blame to the situation somehow is reassuring...don't get me wrong, I am not above blaming someone when I feel that there was extreme neglect or thoughtlessness...but this seemed clearly to be an accident and the last thing you should do is lambaste the person in charge. That could actually make them more skittish about doing the wrong thing and backfire... Besides which, it is just wrong and kind of mean, really. It's just insulting. It's like saying it was her fault and then asking her to please not let unpreventable things happen again. I understand that you also felt at fault at some level. Totally inappropriate. You could have said something like, wow, it only takes a second, that's scary, we really have to be careful...but I have no doubt that you have said this before...and will probably do so again when you get nerved up. But you should work on it. My H spent my daughter's entire infancy crawling up my butt about every sneeze and cry and I thought I would lose my mind, "what's wrong with her, how can you make her stop crying, if you don't know what to do, I'm calling my mother", calling doctors in the middle of the night to find out why she was crying, on and on. Ironically, the only time she ever got a boo boo was on his watch...in the end, I think people who lash out blaming others are really insecure about their own abilities...and in a way are saying, I really really need you to be competent and reliable because...I'm not too sure I am... Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted October 2, 2008 Author Share Posted October 2, 2008 Thank you. I still have much to learn about myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 in a monotone voice, "Could you be more careful?" She got soooo angry. No matter what kind of 'voice' you used, the implication is that she wasn't being as super-careful as she possibly could be while bathing your baby; like there must have been room for improvement. So, yeah, saying that to a parent or caregiver is potentially very hurtful. And, every time you say it (no matter what the specific situation), that will be your underlying message -- there is the part where it comes off like an accusation, as in, "You weren't being careful enough!" And yeah...that was your time to GIVE comfort, not be on the receiving end of it. Like you say, live and learn, right? Link to post Share on other sites
orangesean Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 It's relatively simple, if you were in her position and she said the same to you, you would feel the same way. It's just a basic truth going on here: that neither of you would want harm to come to your child under any circumstance and you are both being as careful as possible at all times. Especially a mother, as it's instinct. Unless of course you think your wife is being intentionally reckless, which is not at all the case from what I can tell. In a way, you are doing the "I told you so" type of thing. Just don't. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 2, 2008 Share Posted October 2, 2008 What you were actually saying to her is that if SHE had been more careful, the accident wouldn't have happened. It was a pointless comment. Kids do things all the time that get themselves hurt. They figure it out, it's just a part of life. Neither of you need to get that wound up over a little accident. You'll teach your kid to over-dramatize everything, and to start thinking that it's not ok to take chances and try new things. Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted October 3, 2008 Share Posted October 3, 2008 Hey, it happens to all of us. Catch her being a great mom several times a week, and tell her how much you admire her ability to handle [whatever], and this will blow over. Being a mom is a very important role, and being told that you're not doing it good enough (could you be more careful? translates to Oh my God, you almost killed my child! in mom-speak) feels really, really crappy. My H hasn't complained about much about my child-rearing, but the few things he has said I don't do well enough...I've been happy to hand those duties over to him. Watch yourself! That said...if this is your firstborn, you're both going to get a bit freaky about things. It's natural. After you have a couple of kids, you relax a bit and realize that bumps and bruises are inevitable and rarely fatal. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author donnist Posted October 3, 2008 Author Share Posted October 3, 2008 Your responses is helping me see what I was and was not doing. I feel like such an @$$, I hope she can forgive me. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 I agree with the other posters. Kids are going to get boo-boos. Unless you wrap them in plastic bubble wrap...which might be fun but carry it's own dangers. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 4, 2008 Share Posted October 4, 2008 Your responses is helping me see what I was and was not doing. I feel like such an @$$, I hope she can forgive me. Just mention to her that you realize that what you said the other day was offensive and that you're sorry. And leave it alone. Simply acknowledging someone's feelings goes a long, long way to maintaing a close relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
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