Ugggg! !

[trueblue72ny]

This is my first post- i have found everyones posts on what they are going through sooo helpful. thank you so much for a website like this!!! I dont feel like i am alone anymore.

 

This is day 4 of NC. i am trying to stay strong. i have been off and on with my ex for 3 years. the last time this happend was 11 months ago. the girl mind you sent flowers to herself at work to try and get me to hate her ! - after some time, we wound up working it out. me, being the sucker i am for her, said ok hunny we can work it out. i realllly like you. she is 31. i am 36. i told her last time this happened if she didnt really want to be with me than dont come around. yes, we work together in the same office. fortunately the office is a big office and we dont really need to see each other.

 

 

So fast forward 8-9 months later... all this starts over again. the distance, the cold shoulder, never around., etc., et.c me being the sucker i gave her the space to chill out. finally i asked whats up? she said some pretty mean things. like just let it go. i dont feel like that anymore, i am putting myself on the market in one breath and the other i just want to be alone. my feelings dont last. etc. etc., and a few other not so nice things. this was boom! out of nowhere!! and this was over an email!! she wont even talk to me! she is a very closed off person just in general so i am not really that surprised. i just feel dissed.

 

so all this happened about two months ago. since then i have been chilling out. i dont stalk the girl. i dont call her, i dont email her, i dont go over to her side of the office - nothing. i disappear. i disconnect!

 

I am wondering why does she come over to my side of the office all the time and act like she is friends with someone who sits near me? she will come over and say some things just loud enough for me to hear, like o i was out this saturday and we were alll over the place i dont even know how i got home - acting like she is 17 again. laughing it up. and other things she whispers. it is annoying. she goes to another persons desk near me and good lord i have never seen anyone take so long to sharpen their pencil in my life! she will talk loudly. she walks by constantly.

 

She was still wearing my jewerly at least up until last week. i havent been close enough to see lately. i asked her not to wear my jewerly if she is seeing someone as its too hurtful. but i am assuming she is still wearing it. mind you the girl is wearing like 2,000 in jewerly i bought her within three years, but yet i am supposedly cheap per her. i am not a millionaire by any means, just a working joe paying my bills making an office salary. she is still wearing my pullover also.

 

 

i wonder if it means anything to her or is it just another peice of jewerly? she still wears her ex bf's ring too. it erks me.

 

i have another friend who is a girl in the office that i live near me -5 minutes away. my ex now lives 15 minutes away. i just movd to a new house a couple months ago.

 

my ex never liked my friend, in fact she acted jealous about our friendship. now they are all the sudden best friends in the world for the last 6 months. driving by my new house every week to go to some animal shelter. i dont even feel like i can talk to my friend anymore because my ex has taken her over. my friend has a boyfriend and we were always just strictly friends. oh ya her and my ex also sit next to each other at work. i dont even feel like i can go and talk to her at work.

 

me and the ex were a little friendly up until last weekend. we were joking around and kidding. she was acting like she is just sitting home all the time in one breath but then she changes her cloths to go out afterwork. now i dont care if she goes out. but i said i feel dissed you ACTING like you are so bored. she got angry at me and blew up! saying this is why we cant be friends!!! i texted her a bunch of times. i got mad because she was ignoring me. but eventually i told her that was why. we havent talked since. that was last week

so i am wondering.. if my ex doesnt care anymore and doesnt want me or wont even talk to me, acts mean, cold and closed off like i am nothing to her, than why than come over to my side? why drive by, why wear my stuff still?? it is very confusing. is she just messsing with me?? i just sit at my desk. i go out of my way to avoid her. i wont even look at her now. out of site out of mind thing! not trying to be mean i just dont know what else to do. uggg, she just walked by again!! uggg. help!!!!

[SnowWhite924]

Sounds like she's not over you. Maybe she wants you to pursue her. That's my feeling. Maybe your cold shoulder is not what she expected even if she doesn't want to be with you.

 

If I wanted nothing to do with a guy, I sure wouldn't go by his desk, take a looong time to sharpen a pencil, and be friends with his friend. Just doesn't sound right.

 

Keep ignoring her. I can't wait to see how it turns out.

[CaliGuy]

I have an ex here at work. She will do the same thing as your ex. She will literally make as much noise as she can at the end of the hall and start walking towards my area. She'll walk by my desk 3-4 times a day. Sometimes she looks over, sometimes she doesn't. Her desk is on the complete other side of the building and she has no business reason to be anywhere near my desk. Yet like clockwork, I can count on her walking by 3-4 times every single day. She's dating someone else in our office now as well. What does it mean about her and I?: NOTHING

 

Well, I think in both our cases they just want our attention and nothing more. Once they get our attention they'll be satisfied and move on with whoever they are seeing. In my case, I haven't spoken to my ex at all though she has tried to talk to me a few times. That's just my boundary. She wants my attention and isn't getting it and I think it drives her nuts. I know that all she wants is a little attention from me and she'll be satisfied. But she isn't getting it.

 

I think your ex is in the same boat. She comes by to see the co-worker so she can spill out tidbits of her life to try and get you riled up. What she is doing is simply attention-whoring. She isn't interested in you as a person. She is interested in building up her sense of self-worth by trying to get attention from you. This is what immature, needy and insecure people do. They need VALIDATION from you even if they don't want you as a S/O.

 

If you remember that always, you'll be able to distance yourself from her and ignore the attempts to gain your attention and/or approval. Be bigger than her and simply IGNORE her. If she really wanted to be with you she wouldn't be doing "drive-bys" of your desk. Instead, she'd be kicking your door in at your house to get to you. Nothing she is doing right now says she wants to be WITH you. It simply says that she is insecure and needs validation -- from you or ANYONE else who will give it to her.

 

Don't give her the satisfaction of feeding her ego. (Don't feed the trolls!) Let her drive-bys go unnoticed and don't pay any attention to her. You are a very busy guy and you don't have time for childish games, right?

[SnowWhite924]

I think CaliGuy is right!

[trueblue72ny]

Cali guy you brought up some really good points. thank you! she always wants to be the center of attention. her motto is " It's all about me". " Im special" "Its hard to be me". "Me, me, me, me". It is rediculous and childish and she needs to grow up. She has a 10 year old daughter. and i think you are right if she was interested in me as a person she would be beating down my door at my house. Not playing games at the office. attention-whoring. totally. we will see how long this goes on. I just got back from lunch and already she has walked by - didnt look -but loud enough for me to hear her!!! Its always one of the other!!!!

 

I am in agony over the relationship because i DO care, she means a lot!! And she knows that. She thinks I think the world of her and she is right. but i am also mad because i feel i havent been given the same respect in return that i gave her when she asked me for a chance. Selfish!

 

last time this happened it was about a four month break. we are on month two. i dont know which way this is going to go, but right now all i want to do is just IGNORE her. i have the integrity. and IF I DECIDE to even be friends with her someday its going to be on MY TERMS. Not o please hunny i miss you i will do anything you want, please please please. but i cant worry about thinking like that. all i can assume is what she told me - its over. i guess i should go out dating just like she told me she was going to do, or be alone. im not sure. her messages are mixed and confusing. Maybe I will have a party at my new house that she hasnt even bothered to come over and see, and i will invite everyone in the office except her. And when I get a date I will plaster her picture all over my cubicle. Yes I know how that sounds but so what if I am a little insensitive in my actions! She makes me mad lingering around. Cali is right she has no business purpose what so ever being over on my side of the office.

We will see what happens. Right now I am sad and a little mad. So maybe I will think a little more before I do anything. I really dont want to cause any hurt just because i have received some. But I do want to get a point across.

 

 

O Jesus H Christ - here she is AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGGGGGGGG i am not giving in. I am sitting at my desk and i am not even looking. I cant even finish a post without hearing her.

[CaliGuy]

It's like this, my friend.

 

She doesn’t want you. She wants attention from anyone she can get it from. She doesn't respect you for whatever reason. And that's fine. Let it go. Don't play into her little validation tactics. The more you ignore her, the more she'll try for a while until she one day gives up.

 

What I do when my ex comes sauntering up the hallway making noise and bringing attention to herself is I simply "tune her out." I don't have any desire or need to prove or show anything to her (such as having a party or posting pictures of my latest date for her to see). My point is that simply I don't want her in my life in any way, shape or form. She is transparent and I can see what she is trying to do (gain my attention and approval) and can see first hand that after six weeks of her trying and me not budging she is getting ancy.

 

She just got a boob job (so her friends say) so more than ever she's trying to get my attention. I just whistle to myself and mind my own business (as if she isn't there at all).

 

Because in my world, she doesn't exist or matter anymore. And that's how you have to look at things. People who really want to be with you won't play these games. They will crawl over 1000 miles of broken glass to get to you. She's not doing any of that. She's sauntering around the office loudly (as my ex does) to try and draw attention to her because she craves it. That's what insecure people do.

 

The very best thing you can do is what I have advised you to do. Set a boundary with her. No interaction at work (unless it's business related). Outside the office, act like she's the plague. Remove her from every aspect of your life and act like she's dead because in reality she might as well be to you. If she loved you and wanted to be with you she would be. But she's not and that's all you need to know.

 

Nuff said.

[SRV]

I need some advise, how can I get in touch?

 

It's like this, my friend.

 

She doesn’t want you. She wants attention from anyone she can get it from. She doesn't respect you for whatever reason. And that's fine. Let it go. Don't play into her little validation tactics. The more you ignore her, the more she'll try for a while until she one day gives up.

 

What I do when my ex comes sauntering up the hallway making noise and bringing attention to herself is I simply "tune her out." I don't have any desire or need to prove or show anything to her (such as having a party or posting pictures of my latest date for her to see). My point is that simply I don't want her in my life in any way, shape or form. She is transparent and I can see what she is trying to do (gain my attention and approval) and can see first hand that after six weeks of her trying and me not budging she is getting ancy.

 

She just got a boob job (so her friends say) so more than ever she's trying to get my attention. I just whistle to myself and mind my own business (as if she isn't there at all).

 

Because in my world, she doesn't exist or matter anymore. And that's how you have to look at things. People who really want to be with you won't play these games. They will crawl over 1000 miles of broken glass to get to you. She's not doing any of that. She's sauntering around the office loudly (as my ex does) to try and draw attention to her because she craves it. That's what insecure people do.

 

The very best thing you can do is what I have advised you to do. Set a boundary with her. No interaction at work (unless it's business related). Outside the office, act like she's the plague. Remove her from every aspect of your life and act like she's dead because in reality she might as well be to you. If she loved you and wanted to be with you she would be. But she's not and that's all you need to know.

 

Nuff said.

[CaliGuy]

Post a new thread. You don't have enough posts on this forum to have private messages yet.

[CaliGuy]

BTW, something else I didn't mention before.

 

You can NOT be friends with an EX if you are still in love with her. It's impossible to be friends. You will only serve to delay your healing.

 

She wants to be friends for a multitude of reasons:

 

1. It relieves her guilt of dumping you (IMHO, dumpers who dump the way she did you - the same as mine - are chicken bleep and deserve to feel guilty!)

2. Being her friend feeds her ego. It lets her know that at the drop of a dime she could have you back if she wanted you back.

3. It fills the void she has in her life that you left. She still gets to have you around as her "buddy". Her needs are being met and yours are not. She wins, you lose. Got me?

4. She will have you around when and if she wants or needs you. Any little whim of hers will be met by you if you're her buddy. Fix her car, babysit her kid, etc.

 

You see, her desire to remain friends with you (or any ex who desires to remain friends with us) do so out of selfish reasons. If they really wanted us to be happy and find someone new, they would not only not be our friends -- they would respect NO CONTACT and actually use it against us for our own benefit.

 

You following me? If you become her friend, you are essentially saying "I don't love and respect myself enough to say I won't accept table scraps of your affection..."

 

By implementing No Contact, by not being her friend you are saying "I love and respect myself enough to not accept your dog bones!" I'm not saying be an a$$ to her. I am saying that unless you have a business reason to talk to her at work, DON'T! Smile, do your own thing and live life! Enjoy what the good Lord has given you. You have MUCH to be thankful for. You could be sick with cancer, you could be paralyzed or you could be homeless and jobless.

 

There's no reason to mope around the office. Be thankful you are rid of this succubus. I know I damn sure am! My ex was draining the very life from me with her "Woe is me, the sky is falling! WAH WAH WAH!" attitude. Depressing to say the least. At least now I don't have to listen to her whine about her life 24/7. She said "You don't seem happy and easy going anymore."

 

Duh, you bimbo! You drained the freaking very life out of me

 

Don't let her do that to you either. Cut her off NC forever and move on with your life. Smile, be happy and do your job. The rest will take care of itself.

[muse08]

your post humored me especially at the end where you said she was walking by again...lol. that sounded so "real". but yeah...i think she still wants you, but she sounds very immature. if she thinks that going out and hanging out all the time will get your attention she must want you in her life still. but as another female that's just not something i would do. it seems like a guy would have less respect for a female who acts like that...maybe not. anyhoo, if you did something to REALLY hurt her then she could just be trying to convince herself that she's moved on (in a very stupid way, might i add). so it really depends on the type of female she is to say why she's carrying on like this... do you even want her back at all? if not, keep ignoring her. if she didn't want you back she wouldn't be acting like this trust me. if she didn't care at all stay away from your office space and go about her business, whatever that may be...

[CaliGuy]

your post humored me especially at the end where you said she was walking by again...lol. that sounded so "real". but yeah...i think she still wants you, but she sounds very immature. if she thinks that going out and hanging out all the time will get your attention she must want you in her life still. but as another female that's just not something i would do. it seems like a guy would have less respect for a female who acts like that...maybe not. anyhoo, if you did something to REALLY hurt her then she could just be trying to convince herself that she's moved on (in a very stupid way, might i add). so it really depends on the type of female she is to say why she's carrying on like this... do you even want her back at all? if not, keep ignoring her. if she didn't want you back she wouldn't be acting like this trust me. if she didn't care at all stay away from your office space and go about her business, whatever that may be...

 

 

I respectfully disagree. I am not convinced she wants him back. At least not truly. If she did she would be trying to communicate with him.

 

What I think she wants is the same thing my ex wants when she walks by my office. She wants my attention and VALIDATION, but she doesn't want me. The more I ignore her, the more she walks past my desk.

 

She sees me smiling, having fun, whistling, etc. She sees a happy me without her in my life. She's probably wondering why.

 

That doesn't mean she wants me. She just wants my attention. If I gave it to her, she'd be satisfied for a while and move on.

 

I think his ex is doing the same thing. Trying to gain his approval and validation but not necessarily trying to gain his love back. If you love someone and you want them, you will do anything to get them. You wouldn't beat around the bush. At least not in the roundabout way she is doing it.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, ladies. But if you screwed up and knew it, if you thought the guy hated you, you wouldn't be prancing around his desk. You'd be firing off emails or talking to him trying to open up the lines of comminication.

 

I am pretty sure, based on her actions, that she is merely looking to sastify her own insecurities. She doesn't seem to me to be acting like someone who may be regretting her descision at all.

 

At least, not from my experience anyway. I know that if I regretted breaking up with someone, though I may swing by their desk occasionally, I'd be dropping emails or trying to talk to them... at the very least.

 

Then again, maybe I am just fracking weird. (To quote Battlestar Galactica).

[SnowWhite924]

I hate to say it, but I think CaliGuy is on the money. I remember when I was dating my H, I broke up with him because he was 'a nice guy!' Imagine that! What an idiot I was! Anyway, immediately,he started to outright ignore me! What did that do to me?? Well, made me want him! So.... I pursued him until I got back with him and realized I made a mistake by dumping him.

 

I agree with CaliGuy that if she was/is interested, she would open the lines of communication. Absolutely.

 

BTW, CaliGuy, is that a real picture of you under your name bc if it is, I think you're cute!!

[Geishawhelk]

*off-topic* you want to see the one next to his journal entry... he's gone skiing, snowWhite.... as Mae West said...I used to be snow white, but I drifted.....

 

off you go...!

[SnowWhite924]

*off-topic* you want to see the one next to his journal entry... he's gone skiing, snowWhite.... as Mae West said...I used to be snow white, but I drifted.....

 

off you go...!

 

Thanks but I'm ahead of you. LOL. I did my research. Soooo cute!!!

[trueblue72ny]

I think being friends would be difficult right now. I still have those feelings. I don't think i could handle it. If she wanted to have some REAL meaningful ongoing conversations - fine. But i cant take any more fake, un-genuine, pretending behavior. I feel she needs to be the first to open the lines of communication.

 

Others have said just as Muse stated, she acts very immature. She was put in a home by her own father around 12 or 13. I think that really hurt her. Her daughters father also screwed her over -their relationship is about stabbing each other. But they put up a good front for the sake of the daughter. I say its like living a lie. That has been going on for so long they seem to have become used to it and are civil about it to each other. She has serious trusting issues.

When all this blew up between us she actually tried to tell me that "I walked out". I think that was to try and make herself feel better over it. But deep down she knows that isn't the truth.

I did not do anything to really hurt her. Beyond the occasional arguement - I never cheated - I was always 100% faithful. I gave her all the space she wanted. I constantly picked myself back up and greeted her with a smile after everytime she kicked me to the ground. I gave her support when she needed. She knows my love was unconditional. I was hoping that would be appreciated - not taken advantage of. And why did I give it to her? Because she asked for it.

 

Muse: That is what is confusing me. Why bother acting like that if she doesn't care. I just don't get it. Does she just want to keep tabs on me? Keep me like a backup? " Open in case of emergency only". Or throw it in my face how much happier she is or that this doesnt bother her and she is having a great time now. I dont know. It's mean whatever it is.

 

Or maybe it is like Cali guy said - she doesn't truly want me back and is just trying to gain validation and attention. Just to make herself feel better. I guess I would feel a little guilty for being rotten to someone who treated me nice. Even if it hasn't caught up with her on the inside -yet. I think it will eventually. You know people push things out of their mind sometimes, only to reflect on things later.

 

Do I give her the satisfaction of relieving that guilt for her? I want some respect first. I want a truly genuine act of apology. Some kind of Real remorse and explanation from deep down. Not a boo-hoo im sorry and now its all better. I want to hear it from her. Not cheap garbage like I am cheap and boring and hate people which is why she said she doesnt want to be with me. That is crap. and it is ridiculous to say to someone. Its just a mask for something else. Busting my stones over a lousy 2 dollars.

 

As Cali guy stated I don't want table scraps of affection. I want the whole steak.

I dont want to be an a$$ to her. as much as im hurting right now, I know treating her rotten in return isn't really the right thing to do.

 

This is very emotionally draining for me. In the past when she had flowers delivered to herself (which i didnt know were they came from then) I was exhausted from hurt. Drained. And the hardest thing to do was suck it up and act like its all good.

 

Haha - ya she does whine a lot. She talks smack about everyone she has ever known or is friends with at one point or another. And she does have an awful lot of aches and pains. I should have more because I am older right?? Not in this case apparently. She has complained about everything from her head to her a$$ to her feet.

 

I like Cali's idea, i want her to see me smiling, having fun, whistling, See me happy without her in my life. and not acting like an a$$ towards her over it.

 

It IS difficult. This is going to be something ongoing for awhile. I really like reading posts on this site. So I will be doing that for awhile. It really helps!

 

Well it is 9:30 in the morning here. So far she hasn't walked by yet - or at least I haven't heard her walk by. But the day is still young.

[CaliGuy]

I hate to say it, but I think CaliGuy is on the money. I remember when I was dating my H, I broke up with him because he was 'a nice guy!' Imagine that! What an idiot I was! Anyway, immediately,he started to outright ignore me! What did that do to me?? Well, made me want him! So.... I pursued him until I got back with him and realized I made a mistake by dumping him.

 

I agree with CaliGuy that if she was/is interested, she would open the lines of communication. Absolutely.

 

True, but I don't want him to use NC as a means to try and win her back, but rather try and wean himself from her and start to see this woman for who she truly is - bad mojo. I think once he is able to remove his feelings from the reality of the situation he'll start to ignore her not out of spite but simply due to the fact she is not a healthy person to be in a realtionship with.

 

BTW, CaliGuy, is that a real picture of you under your name bc if it is, I think you're cute!!

 

Merci beaucoup! C'est Moi!

[muse08]

point well taken caliguy...but i really just feel like she's immature. and doesn't have any good sense. perhaps she doesn't want him back , but if she's immature or simple minded...she just may...i appreciate your perspective though.

[trueblue72ny]

she hasnt walked by that ive seen in a couple days. & now i am parking on the other side of the parking lot at work away from her. it is weird -for awhile i was feeling really bad inside. now i feel anger the last few days. day 10 nc. i just keep thinking bad mojo.

 

my other friend - the one my ex tried to take over -stopped by this weekend . we are going to car pool friday. i dont think i am going to discuss anything with her regarding the ex. i will try to pretend i dont even know who she is. i want my friend to see that i am doing great! even if its a front.. just in case they talk. i am not sure if they do or not. apparently they dont discuss it. but you know how people can lie.

[bish]

I hate to say it, but I think CaliGuy is on the money. I remember when I was dating my H, I broke up with him because he was 'a nice guy!' Imagine that! What an idiot I was! Anyway, immediately,he started to outright ignore me! What did that do to me?? Well, made me want him! So.... I pursued him until I got back with him and realized I made a mistake by dumping him.

 

And correct me if I'm wrong, but you married him and ended up cheating on him.

 

so you dump him while dating, busted your ass to get back like he was some sort of trophy, then cheated on him during marriage.

 

Why didn't you just leave him alone so he could start a new life back then?

[Sysyphus28]

she hasnt walked by that ive seen in a couple days. & now i am parking on the other side of the parking lot at work away from her. it is weird -for awhile i was feeling really bad inside. now i feel anger the last few days. day 10 nc. i just keep thinking bad mojo.

 

my other friend - the one my ex tried to take over -stopped by this weekend . we are going to car pool friday. i dont think i am going to discuss anything with her regarding the ex. i will try to pretend i dont even know who she is. i want my friend to see that i am doing great! even if its a front.. just in case they talk. i am not sure if they do or not. apparently they dont discuss it. but you know how people can lie.

 

Dude you are so right. I have made so many mistakes handling this break-up, I have been irrational at almost every step of the "game". I didn't go NC right away....I called all the time when she was away....when she came back from the summer I was doormat.

I talked and talked to our mutual friends about the situation. I am sure they talked to her so...............wow.

 

AS

[SnowWhite924]

And correct me if I'm wrong, but you married him and ended up cheating on him.

 

so you dump him while dating, busted your ass to get back like he was some sort of trophy, then cheated on him during marriage.

 

Why didn't you just leave him alone so he could start a new life back then?

 

Bish, you are a Bish indeed!

[trueblue72ny]

ya Sysyphus, you , just like me, thought putting yourself out there would mean something. it does not. it doesnt help. instead of being appreciated, we get treated like a doormat.

 

just like cali guy said. i am happy, smiling, whistling, joking around, tune her out.

 

i feel like i did a lot for her, i put myself out there for her, and risked my own reputation to stick by her side at the office when other people around the office where talking smack about her. i put my good name on the line. this is what i get in return. she has issues. nothing happened between us. she just has issues and i am beginning to see that. i see the woman (or should i say her body) in front of me, and it is hard to see the psychologicial illness inside. even now i still feel ilke if she jsut calls , if she just gives me one more chance, i want to reach out. but no you have to be strong. act like a bad boy, get bad a$$, but dont be an a$$. buy some new cloths, get looking your best, impress others, and you will impress yourself.

 

go on a few dates. i just did and hit it off with a nice girl. at first i felt a little sick to my stomach over it, but now i feel ok. i cant say that the ex still isnt on my mind, but what am i supposed to do. for all i know she is already with someone.

 

i just keep reading cali guys post over and over again.

[SnowWhite924]

Sorry you're hurting. Hang in there and keep strong!

[bish]

Bish, you are a Bish indeed!

 

The truth usually is a bish.

[trueblue72ny]

ya and sysy, -try not to talk to your mutual friend about it all. or at least try to give it a break. if she is interested she will get in touch. i am learning to disconnect myself from her. like i am a brand new person and dont even know her. it is Realllly Really hard though when i see her but i am learning how to put up a good front and fake it. i am hoping soon it wont even bother me. i dont want to hold any grudges or even make a face when i see her. i try to act like i act towards someone totally new i just met - no past. no present. no future.

 

play the game brother.