"too much in my head"

[mytruelove]

hi everyone, i'm back. hopefully some remember my story and can offer some help.

 

first i'll start by saying as you know...that i love this guy deeply and i've commited to sticking it out and taking the risk because to me he is worth it.

 

a little backgroud for new readers. i've been friends with this man for 10 years now. it was love at first sight. amazing chemisty, soul connection.

but, we have never really been completely available for each other. he was married, had a child, was in a relationship in which he had another child. i was in a relationship. got married - even though he asked me not too. now my marriage is over....BUT he has a girlfriend who lives with him - she has kids of her own, he, of course, has his kids, so all this makes it complicated.

 

all these years we have not acted on our feelings. finally, last year, i just blurted out how i felt about him and he returned the feelings. for a year we fought becoming sexual. however, we could not fight it anymore and we did.

 

a lot has happned since then. we've made it through some difficult times, but it is coming to the point in which both of us know that something will have to change. as those that follow know, i informed him that i couldn't have sex with him anymore while he was still with the other woman and he knew that i was asking him to leave her (even though i never gave him the ultimatium, never whated to force him...wanted it to be his choice).

 

we have been close since then and i believed resolved some issues and became closer, but now, again....

 

he has gone somewhat distant - while remaining there...if that makes sense.

 

this morning, i called him and was going to stop as i sometimes do before work and he said not to..."he has too much on his mind...too much going on in his brain." i asked him if he was going to tell me what...and he said "no, he's not a talker, remember?" i told him that it didn't feel good to feel lost.

 

we haven't had much alone time since the weekend that i wrote about before and i'm really missing our "hang out" time - not necessarily just the sexual part, but just to connect like we were. i asked him when he would have time and he is busy a lot, so it is hard.

 

so, i really don't know what is going on or what he is thinking. it sounds like maybe he is at the point where he is going to make some decisions?

of course, i'm worried and scared that he will decide not to be with me, which will absolutely break my heart. i'm praying and hoping and have faith that it will be the opposite and that he will decide he wants to be with me and finally leaves the other woman, so we can have a real chance.

 

what will hurt the most if he doesn't decide to give us a chance is just that...that we haven't got the chance and that he will never know what a wonderful, amazing, loving person i am, and how much i am commited to him and love him. (i say commited, because there is an age difference - i am younger, and he mentioned today that he only has a certain number of years left to live...so i believe he is trying to decide what to do with the rest of his life and he has said before that he doesn't think he has much to offer me???

 

not knowing kills me. not seeing him kills me. i'm not the best with waiting or patience anymore.

 

so, any advice on how to handle this?

 

he said to call him later and we would "work something out".

 

i know i should probably just give it space, but i have soo much that i want to say to him. i really want him to know how i feel. i don't want things to go unsaid. i want him to know exactly how i feel. at the same time i don't want to say too much or come on too strong or desperate. i want to still guard my heart. i don't want to push or pressure.

 

it is very hard for me to talk to him or react when he is kinda leaving me in the cold as to how he feels right now. we've always had a way of being able to communicate.

 

do i just ignore that anything is going on and just act like i always have...avoiding talking about things?

 

give him complete and total space and just not contact him for a while? as i stated before there are some things that i rely on him for. he said that he would still do them, but...

 

should i just ask him if i should be worried, or if it is me? i'm scared to push.

 

anyone that has been in this position like this - please help!!!!!!!

[Reggie]

I think if he is in another relationship, you are settling for being his side relationship. Why not break it off and start seeing other men who are not involved in a relationship. Then, things are not so complicated and you will feel good about it. Seems there is plenty of dishonesty going on in this current relationship. That can't be much fun.

[Treasa]

This is not a man who is invested in you. If so, he wouldn't be distant and he wouldn't be with another woman. You're much more into him than he is into you. And it doesn't say a whole lot for his character that he's jerking two women around and most likely lying to both of them.

 

It will hurt, but I say move on. Do what's best and what will bring you LONG TERM happiness, even if you don't get instant gratification. Isn't that what we teach our children? That sometimes they have to sacrifice to get what they truly want?

 

Find someone who can return your love fully. This one has chosen not to.

[Owl]

I tihnk I'm being extra dense today...

 

...but I'm seeing all these stories about people who just CAN'T be together right now...and I'm completely unable to see why.

 

He's got a GF...he's not married.

 

You're not married.

 

There is NOTHING stopping the two of you from being together, if that's what the both of you wanted. NOTHING.

 

The ONLY thing that appears to be stopping the two of you from being together is HIS CHOICE NOT TO DO THAT.

 

And nothing more than that.

[wildsoul]

He's got a GF...he's not married.

Owl, you might not remember, but he is living together as married with the GF. There are young kids living with them. It's a family household.

 

MTL, sorry you're feeling neglected. It still seems that your relationship is off balance. It's FWB to him, and means more to you. That's why he pulls back. You're still not the priority and until you leave him, that doesn't stand a chance of changing. Sorry to be blunt. I mean it gently. But really, the one most empowered to change this dynamic is you.

[mytruelove]

seems he was up with "her" fighting all night last night - that is why he wasn't in the mood this morning. he can't financially support her and her children anymore.

 

he was asking me for advice and help as to what to do. he knows how i feel about this.

 

we had a good talk. he said he is thinking about just taking off with his kids.

 

i'm going to be there for him and help him in any way i can...as i have the last ten years.

 

he's opened the door again and i feel like i'm going to be able to tell him how i feel and we'll get through this and be closer.

 

i know how hard it is for a man to swallow his pride and ask for help. the fact that he can do that with me says a lot don't you think?

 

thank you all so much for your support!!!

[Owl]

Owl, you might not remember, but he is living together as married with the GF. There are young kids living with them. It's a family household.

 

MTL, sorry you're feeling neglected. It still seems that your relationship is off balance. It's FWB to him, and means more to you. That's why he pulls back. You're still not the priority and until you leave him, that doesn't stand a chance of changing. Sorry to be blunt. I mean it gently. But really, the one most empowered to change this dynamic is you.

 

None of that STOPS him from leaving his girlfriend.

 

All he's got to do is to work out the legal aspects of ensuring visitation and child support.

 

That's IT.

 

My money is that he's not talked with a lawyer. He's not sought out legal counsel, or begun the process of determining what his legal responsibilities to her and/or his children will be.

 

In short...it might be a PROCESS...but its not a long one, and it all starts by coming out and stating that he's no longer in love with his GF, and he's leaving.

 

Again...none of this STOPS him. Unless he CHOOSES to stop himself.

[wildsoul]

None of that STOPS him from leaving his girlfriend.

Quite right. But if memory serves, this guy never said he wanted to leave. He has a living-together-as-married family with kids. That's a double whammy of futility for MTL.

 

I'm skeptical about today's revelation MTL. Don't confuse him discussing the feelings of wanting to move out from his GF with actual intention or plans. That he is telling you isn't necessarily a sign of increased intimacy or that he means to imply he is moving out for you. He might just be venting and/or trying to keep you a little hopeful. Don't read much into it, unless he is actually SAYING he wants to leave her.

 

I think this is a 2nd chance for you to break up with him. Let him know that you are interested in him when/if he is single. You absence might motivate him to make a decision. As it stands now, he knows that he can have you no matter what. If you want more, you might need to take a stand for less in the short term.

 

Why are you afraid of leaving him anyways?

[mytruelove]

treasa i love this " Do what's best and what will bring you LONG TERM happiness, even if you don't get instant gratification. Isn't that what we teach our children? That sometimes they have to sacrifice to get what they truly want?"

 

wildsoul "if you want more, you might have to take a stand for less in the short term"

 

seems to be a theme here and sometime i REALLY have to look at.

 

i guess in ways i want what i want and i want it now!!! instant gratification... not a great attitude right? and one that in the long term won't work. my brain knows this and trust this, but my heart doesn't.

 

you know, honestly, laying there thinking last night i got kinda angry. he needs me when he needs me. i've already told him how i feel about the situation he is in and now part of me just wants to tell him to get himself out of it because i've already stated my disapproval of what he is doing there. i don't want to be the one to come to the rescue. i don't want to enable.

 

he did recognize yesterday that he needed to do something - now we will see if he follows through.

 

but, my heart wants to do everything i can to help...it's just my nature.

 

but, like was said, what if i'm left holding the losing end of the stick?

 

we talked again last night and i reassured him of my commitment to him and where my heart is. he is really concerned about the age difference and him not "having that many years left"...as if he was saying we're wasting time also.

 

i'm not blind, i know what i signed myself up for. i signed up the first day i met him....

 

wildsoul...what am i afraid of losing? HIM period. i'm so afraid of losing what we have and living the rest of our lives unhappy without each other.

 

BUT, i have to think...you can't lose something you don't have -RIGHT? i had to come to the same conclusion in my marriage. so, really if i look at it i have nothing to fear...except my BIGGEST fear that without me around he will decide to stay with her.

 

i've got a real fighter personality and i feel the need to fight for him.

[Owl]

So the bottom line is that you've accepted that he has no plan or intention of leaving his GF?

[mytruelove]

i believe he will leave her. he doesn't love her. it is not a good relationship and she is not "the one". he has stated this himself. i believe that i know his heart and i have faith in that.

 

he has not told me otherwise and i know that i will not be able to continue a relationship with him if he doesn't. i think he knows that also, hence the pressure now.

 

i trust him. i can't really say why, but i do. i don't really have reason for that other than glimping his character over the years and with me. blindfaith and trust i guess - something i've never had with anyone else ever.

[whichwayisup]

Even if he does leave her, he isn't going to come running straight into arms and start a new life with you. He has kids to think about and take care of. As well as HE will need time alone to figure himself out and deal with things after the break-up.

 

You continuing to let him know you'll "be there for him and that you love him" is only putting YOU in a position where he'll come to you for help. That isn't a relationship, and trying to be his shrink will only do more damage to you.

 

People need time and space after ANY relationship ends, so you need to put yourself first and let this guy fix his life the way he needs to.

[DealingWDrama]

i believe he will leave her. he doesn't love her. it is not a good relationship and she is not "the one". he has stated this himself. i believe that i know his heart and i have faith in that.

 

he has not told me otherwise and i know that i will not be able to continue a relationship with him if he doesn't. i think he knows that also, hence the pressure now.

 

i trust him. i can't really say why, but i do. i don't really have reason for that other than glimping his character over the years and with me. blindfaith and trust i guess - something i've never had with anyone else ever.

 

MTL - good luck with this. If he really didn't have a good relationship - he would leave. Men don't stick it out for the kids, or finances, or anything else if they want out. When men are done, they are done, period.

[mytruelove]

"He has kids to think about and take care of. As well as HE will need time alone to figure himself out and deal with things after the break-up." - i know this is true, in fact, we have already discussed that. hard thing for me to do, but necessary....

 

it's just - when you finally find the one you want to be with, you want to be with them and not waste another minute...especially after wasting ten of them and as he stated yesterday...he only has so many years left... i get the impression he doesn't want to waste any more of them.

[Owl]

This is because you believe his words...not his actions.

 

Tell you what...ignore your opinion on his character for a moment. Ignore his words for a moment.

 

Sit and look back on his ACTIONS through the course of your affair with him.

 

Have those actions given you that reassurance that he's going to leave her?

 

What STEPS has he taken in that direction?

 

Sought legal counsel?

 

Started seperating finances from hers?

 

Began working out the details of how the seperation will work?

 

 

I'm sure you get my drift. From what I've read of your threads...his ACTIONS don't appear to show any movement to seperate AT ALL.

[mytruelove]

dealing - i truly believe that too - when a guy is done he's done, especially this one, it's hard to get him to change his mind. i think sometimes, as with anyone, it might take some time for that person (male or female) to come to the realization that it is over and done. my belief is that when he had sex with me - it was done for him with her.

 

i know this guy. if he wasn't done with her...he wouldn't have made a YEAR THOUGHT OUT decision to be with me...whether he knows it yet or not. this wasn't a spur of the moment thing. he was aware of the consequences as well as i...we discussed them in detail.

 

owl, you make a good point. his actions...like i said...lets see what comes of them now. now that, for the first time, he has actually acknowledged that he needs to do something...let's see what he does, huh?

 

think i'm going to give him and myself some "thinking and resting" time today - i need to drop some stuff off to him, but honestly, i'm not really feeling like doing it today...want to take the weekend to myself. he has his kids this weekend. i feel drained today and want some me time. i know i have to love myself first.

[DealingWDrama]

Personally, I wouldn't contact him at all...hang onto that 'stuff' if he wants it or wants to see you he will contact you...allow for his 'actions' and 'words' to catch up with themselves. Let him make the move to be with you because he wants to be with you.

I learned a long time ago - men are going to do what they want to do not what you want them to do...and no matter how many times they say this or that, until the ACTION is performed...the words are just idol, staggering, attempts to stall....

Good luck.

[torranceshipman]

I agree with other posters-I see a lot of stalling and waffling here - I'm sure he cares deeply for you, but he really doesnt sound like he has any intention of leaving his W and keeps saying things and telling you things to placate you. I'm in agreement that his actions are 100% more worth looking at than his words. And if you are going to wait, put a time limit on it otherwise he'll drag this out forever.

[mytruelove]

dealing - i have been doing more of the making him make the move to be with me than before definitely. i used to call and make plans to be with him -now i tell him to call me - if he does then we get together, if he doesn't -we don't. i do feel better doing it this way.

 

he wants me to stop next week to take care of some things for me, but it will be at a time when a friend -who we've had to "pretend" around will be there and we will not get quality time, so i'm not going till it is a time when we can spend it together and i will not go when the friend is there until he can introduce me (i'd rather stay away). he does have another friend that knows about us and is really nice and supportive of us being together,soo...i am setting these requirements if he wants to see me.

 

torrance - i really do feel that he cares deeply for me or i wouldn't stick this out. he is not married, but they live together. they do not have kids together - she has kids to someone else and he has kids to someone else.

 

i won't go into detail about his actions -can't state them all, but the relationship has processed slowly and he has done things to show me with his actions that he really does care.

 

other things have left me saying, huh? though because they have been counter to this. usually when this happens he will make a point of apologizing, making things up to me, offering an explaination, or asking if i'm okay.

 

if he needs space or is distant or doesn't have time, he makes a point of telling me this and explaining why. letting me know that it is just for a period of time and he is not ending the relationship.

 

like yesterday, i told him how i didn't like feeling lost when he said he didn't want to talk about it or see me...he called me later and explained.

 

don't know where this is going, i'm tired and rambling, but i didn't rush to his side today...i'm sure he is wondering why.

[Bob54]

As a very wise friend of mine once said, "whenever there is any conflict between what a man says and what he does, always, ALWAYS ignore what he SAYS!"

 

As a guy myself, I'd have to agree this is true.

 

Just food for thought. Good luck with your dilemma. Hope it all works out for you!

[torranceshipman]

I really hope this works out for you! But just an observation...the changes you made are better but you still let him get away with naughty behavior. For example, you tell him to call and if he doesnt, you dont get together...but thats deal breaking behavior! That isnt an accptable thing-when youre expecting a call and dont get it, all that happens is that he made other plans and doesnt have to consider you-and I guess he doesnt get a really angry call from you saying 'why didnt you call'?? and you end up disappointed.

 

But when he fancies seeing you, thats when he calls and you're generally fine with that. You shouldnt have to enter into this little waiting and wondering scenario in the first place...put the same conditions on this R as you would with a new single guy that you meet, as it does sound a little flaky--and if anything, the fact that he is in a R already should make him fall over himself to reassure you more, not call you less!!

 

Not flaming you at ALL-just food for thought, I reckon, I think you're way too soft on him. I think you should be a bit more demanding so this R comes a bit closer to you two having some equality here, and you should be able to also tell him that you want a deadline/to see some action on his 'leaving' scenario. Good luck!!

[mytruelove]

my weekend was pretty good - i took a lot of me time.

 

even though i have a lot going on. i feel pretty pretty strong in my convictions and self. this gives me some sense of security.

 

i'm so glad that i have some guys posting on here to give me there perspective -thanks!

 

bob - i'm hoping that i will send a clear message that his actions are met with my actions for myself. if he becomes distant - i become distant -if he opens up- i open up. if he makes the effort - i make the effort - make sense? ... and above all else - i'm going to put myself first.

 

torrance - i'm definitely going to give some thought to treating him just as if he is single and requiring the same demands i would in a relationship with someone that wasn't involved with someone else. humm, maybe i should be harder on him? i've often told him that i am too easy on him. very good point!

 

his comment about only having so much time left really left me thinking this weekend and i reinforced with him my level of commitment and where my heart is...what he does with it is up to him,....

 

but i'm getting ready to make some BIG changes in my life and go from there. i'm scared and excited all at the same time.

[mytruelove]

this is what i am struggling with right now. he asked me for help - which i know is not easy for a guy and to swallow his pride with me, but...

 

the more i thought about it...the more upset i got. i don't want to enable him. i don't want to make his "situtation" easier and give a temporary fix so he can stay in the place he is at with her. don't want to be a part of that.

 

i know without going into detail this might be hard to understand, but...

 

i told him i would help him with something and the more i think about it i don't want to. i feel obligated now though.

 

another thing that i am upset about is that because i told him i would do something for him, i have called him and he doesn't call back and i don't hear from him for a couple days. i feel like i have to chase him just to give him the help he asked ME for.

 

i have stepped back some. don't think i'll call him today. haven't been calling him much.

 

the real dilemna is being to torn because i want to tell him you got yourself into this mess...get yourself out...he knows how i feel about it. i made it clear in the past, but then the other part of me says, hey, he opened up to you, swallowed his pride and turned to me for help, so, of course i should help him because it will show i am there for him and i care about him and would do anything for him....and i already told him i would...offered without even thinking twice... see my conflict here?

[torranceshipman]

I think that if you call him and he doesnt ring back for 2 days then that's a huge red flag...the fact that you're helping him and he makes you wait 2 days for him to return your call when you're doing this stuff to help him?? Thats unforgivable. He's treating you like something throwaway, because he knows you'll take it, so he keeps on doing it and he does NOT deserve the help anymore!! I think the only conflict here is between your emotions and your usual common sense-this guy needs to be dropped on his butt!!-but I know its easy to be really soft on these guys when you have really strong feelings about them...I think if you want to see how he really feels go ahead and drop him on his butt, then if he really cares he'll totally panic and chase you and act better. But I REALLY think you need to be a lot harder on this guy if you stay with him!

 

To be really honest, it seems like he places his W a clear 1st (she gets all his time) and he seems to be reinforcing-through his actions-your place in his life (a distant 2nd, at his convenience). What an arrogant guy! Sadly I think that fits the pattern of the W for his life, and an A for a little time away from real life.

 

Think about it this way-if your best friend said hey, I am dating a MM, he hasnt given me any concrete info about when he's leaving the W, he makes me wait 2 days to be called back, even when I'm going out of my way to help him with stuff, in fact I have to chase him to help him!!, I dont see him so often and I am left home alone at weekends when he is cozyin up to his W...what do you honestly think your advice would be to her? I can kinda guess and I think you should follow your own wise advice!

[torranceshipman]

And one more observation - I've read a few times on this board how OW want to 'prove' how much they love the MM by going through a load of stuff for them...well thats totally crazy as the MM already knows 100% that you'd do anything for them! They know this, because they've seen they can treat you bad and despite that, you still stick around, even though you have to put up with them going home to their W every day, and all those other horrible things that you have to deal with in an A. Anyone who loves you won't ask you to prove anything at all!