Does she really meen what she says?

[Antax]

Sorry, this is may get a little lengthy.

 

My wife of 15 years is divorcing me. We have 2 kids, 11 and 7. We just got through building the house of her dreams, which she left to me. She moved back in with her father. Her mother died 2 years ago and she never really dealt with it, taking anti depressants. In April she began a "relationship" with an older man. Or should I say he began a relationship with her. I pretty sure there wasn't anything physical between them but that doesn't help. After she filed for divorce she finally told what they were talking about her loosing her mother. She thought since he just lost his mother he understood better than I did.

 

Anyway on with the reason I'm here. She often tells me shes not coming back. Shes made that perfectly clear many times. So why does she check my cell phone records and then bitch me out cause I sent another woman 6 tesxt messages in 1 day? I mean she was texting this other guy 10 times a day. Why should she care? She's divorcing me right? The only time she reminds me that shes not coming back is when shes mad at me about something. So is this her "venting" about things and trying to hurt me as much as she can to make her feal good about herself in the process? Maybe try to justify her actions?

 

Mind you I wasnt the perfect husband. I had my issues. But I never cheated on her, I never even hugged another woman. I never went "out with the boys". I went to work and came home. I certanly never hit her, never even threatened it.

 

A year ago I would have told we had the perfect relationship. She was caring, loving and affectionate. She even asked me if I thought we would always love each other that much, apperantly not.

 

What makes a woman willing to give up everything she has? And I mean everything, she packed her clothes, some pictures, a couple pots and pans and left. We have joint custody of the kids so she's also leaving half of the kids.

 

There's more I'd to add but I guess this had gotten to long allready.

[Ronni_W]

Do something different. The next time she bitches at you about ANYTHING, say along the lines of, "Unless this is your bassackward way of asking me if I'd be willing to consider a reconciliation, please do not do it again."

Or. "We no longer have the relationship where you get to bitch at me (talk to me like that), don't you remember?"

 

Her behaviour is not necessarily that she "cares", nor that she does NOT care. There could be a number of underlying inspirations and issues that are feeding it. All you can really do is set your own boundaries of how you expect her to treat you, and what you will not tolerate.

 

Sorry that you're going through this.

[LakesideDream]

He watch it (LOL) some of us old geezers still have working parts. We need (and get) sumpin, sumpin, too.

 

Seriously though, my guess is that your STBXW is rolling in the hay with Grandpa. Women are not impulsive creatures. They seldom leave one warm safe place without having another warm safe place to go to.

 

Sadly sport, there ain't nuttin you can do about it. It's the era of walk away wives. Yours has joined the hoarde.

 

Time to start planning the rest of your life.

[RecordProducer]

It's hard to guess what's on her mind. If she is really jealous, then she is not in love with the other man. I think he wants your attention. You had a good relationship before, so the best thing would be to talk peacefully, like two people who love each other. Maybe you should show more understanding about her loss. If a woman loves you, you can bring her back with hugs and kisses. Show a lot of tenderness and affection - that is, if you want her back.

 

Feel free to add more information; we've seen much longer here on this forum, so don't worry about length.

[Gunny376]

A lot of things going on here, the lost of her mother, her children approaching their teen years (thus less co-dependant upon on one another, middle age, her peaking in her sexual awarness.

 

She ran home to her Father, and she's involved with an older man on some level or the other. That speaks volumes, in that he's providing somthing to her that you can't as as a man of your age and as her husband.

 

I kid you not that this has more to do about her than it does about you and her. So go lightly about about your hand in all of this, and about what you can and/or can't do about it? That is so say? Go easy on yourself and donn't beat yourself up over the situation.

 

You could have, should have, would have etc ad nausemun and it wouldn't have been enough. I believe the DW's mother passisng has passed her into a mid-life crisis. And its going to take her time to work her way out of it. And at the end she may find herself as having made the worse mistake of her life in leaving you.

 

That matters not!

 

What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about your life? She can dance all day, but where doess that leave you and your children?

 

Your left with the day to day of living, and at the end of the day, you've got to deal with the day to day of living life! Life moves on. With or without her.

 

You've got to make the hard choices in this relationship. Wheather to go the long haul and hard road, of to just bail.

 

Keep posting!

[carhill]

I had my issues.

 

Tell us more. You did a great job of telling us what issues you didn't have

 

A year ago I would have told we had the perfect relationship. She was caring, loving and affectionate.

 

She was emptying her love bank, methinks. See my first response.

 

What makes a woman willing to give up everything she has?

 

No clue for her, but, to me, it's just stuff. I'll just call the mover and let my wife prepare a list. The emptier, the better Oh, you mean you and the kids....sorry......I hope she isn't giving up on the kids. But you and the rest of it are now irrelevant to her and likely just a reminder of something she'd rather forget.

 

She might be playing games with her remarks, just to see if she can get a rise out of you. From the sound of it, she didn't get much of a rise out of you while you were married. Hearing your story, you just absorbed everything, like a sponge. My god, not even hugging another female. How sad

 

Let her go and learn how to love yourself. Maybe she'll return. Maybe not. Look at it this way. You'll be having contact for at least another decade or more. No rush

[Gunny376]

Satin pillows to lie on

Satin pillows to cry on

 

Still you don't make me happy

Can't you see!

 

Big long Caddilac

Tailor-made to form my back

 

From a country song,.........................its a fool's errand trying to satisfy a woman, most any woman.

[husbndinthemaking]

LOL. Of course she is mad at you. She is jealous. But that doesn't mean you throw it in her face. HAve you ever really LISTENED to her? Or is it all about your feelings and what she is doing to you? Go to zaxxes.com for help. Saved my marriage. It may save yours.

[Antax]

First I'd like to thank every one for there comments. And I'm always open to critisism of any kind. If I did something wrong, tell me and I'll try to fix it the best I can.

Do something different. The next time she bitches at you about ANYTHING, say along the lines of, "Unless this is your bassackward way of asking me if I'd be willing to consider a reconciliation, please do not do it again."

Or. "We no longer have the relationship where you get to bitch at me (talk to me like that), don't you remember?"

Been there, done that. All I got was "so how does it feel to be accused of something your not doing?"

 

Tell us more. You did a great job of telling us what issues you didn't have

This is probably not the entire list but it's a work in progress.

My issues:

 

• I took her for granted. This was probably the biggest issue.
  
• I can't read a woman's mind. Don't expect me to, it's not going to happen.
  
• I didn't want to do everything her way. This may sound weird but for about the first 12-13 years of our marriage it was all about her. What ever she wanted to do, where ever she wanted to go. But the last few years I started do the things I wanted to do and she couldn't stand it.
  
• She says I was never there for her. Maybe I wasn't in the last year or so but after years of me asking her "whats wrong?" or "whats on your mind?" when I know somethings wrong and all I got was "nothing", I quit asking.
  
• There were times when I didn't want to do things with the kids. Is this wrong? I love my kids but do I have to do everything for/with them?
  
• I was distrustful, but after the 3 months of her sneaking around, lying to me and trying to hide things from didn't I have the right? Maybe I'm just trying to justify my own actions.
  
• Maybe I didn't do enough around the house but I'm not a lazy bum. I spent most the weekends cutting firewood, building barns.
  
• I didn't jump when said. If she asked me to take out the trash, I didn't do it right then so sometimes I would forget.
  
• I guess I wasn't the Godly father she wanted me to be. I didn't like going to church. She blamed me for the kids not wanting to go to church.
  

She left once back in April for about 4 days. This was after the 3 months of sneaking around and lying. After 4 days she came back. Wanted to try again, she said. But she didn't want to talk about anything. Not about us, not about what had happened the past 3 months. She just wanted to act like it never happened. Sorry, I couldn't do that. At that time I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her and I wanted an apology. But that's all I wanted. Instead of repeating "but we didn't do anything wrong, nothing happened". She apologized the other mans wife, why couldn't she apologize to me? She actually told me a few days ago that that's when she decided she was leaving for good when she found out I didn't trust her.

 

She also comes from a family of "if you ignore, it will go away" people. And her dad is their king. The last 6 months of her moms life her dad just went on as ussual, like nothing was wrong. He still expected his dinner to be fixed every night when he got in and his laundry to be done in the morning. He still never speaks of her mother. I guess thats his way of dealing with it.

 

I honestly think most of this stems from her depression and what I see now as codependency. The said thing is, I cant do a thing to help her. It took me a while to realize that. When she left I apologized to her for not being able to keep her happy. I really thought I was responsible for her happiness. I didn't understand that each person has to be responsible for there own happiness. If your not happy, its your own fault and I have to keep telling myself to make myself happy as hard as it may be right now. I just wish she would get off my case. If any little thing goes wrong, its my fault.

[Antax]

LOL. Of course she is mad at you. She is jealous. But that doesn't mean you throw it in her face. HAve you ever really LISTENED to her? Or is it all about your feelings and what she is doing to you? Go to zaxxes.com for help. Saved my marriage. It may save yours.

 

I didn't throw it in her face. She dug for it. She pulled my cell phone records, twice. Mine and my sons cell phone are on the same account, she has her own cell phone account now and had since April. After the first time she pulled my records I changed the password to the cell phone website. A few days ago she told me she wanted to check our sons cell phone and asked me for the password. Call me stupid later, but I gave it to her, but I have nothing to hide. Well, I don't think I need to tell what happened next. There were 8 text messages I sent to a woman about a job we had open here and the ones me and my son send back and forth to each other. That's it.

 

I'm perfectly willing to listen, but she wont talk. The only time she talks about what happened is when shes pissed off at me for something. I'm not a mind reader. I can tell when somethings bothering her but if she wont talk to me about it I cant drag it out of her.

[Gunny376]

Nothing you say nor do will ever be right and it will always be your fault ~ regardless.

 

I was married to someone like your wife, and its the reason I'm still single today.

 

I cannot be responsible but for one person's happinesss ~ and that's me!

 

Quit dragging around this "dead horse" already!

[carhill]

• I took her for granted. This was probably the biggest issue.
  
• I can't read a woman's mind. Don't expect me to, it's not going to happen.
  

 

Let's work with those....remember, the only person you can work on is you

 

Give us examples of how you took her for granted. Three is fine.

 

You sound like you've been very frustrated by lack of communication for a long time. I understand this. My wife comes from a family of avoiders. I may like to avoid too, but I talk about it Anyway, MC taught me it's not what you say, but how you say it, and this includes questions to "bring her out".

 

What do you think you can do for yourself in these two areas, right now, to feel better about your position in the marriage?

 

Have you considered MC and, if so, shared that with her? Has she ever asked you to consider MC? How do you feel about sharing with a neutral third party?

[Antax]

Let's work with those....remember, the only person you can work on is you

 

Give us examples of how you took her for granted. Three is fine.

 

You sound like you've been very frustrated by lack of communication for a long time. I understand this. My wife comes from a family of avoiders. I may like to avoid too, but I talk about it Anyway, MC taught me it's not what you say, but how you say it, and this includes questions to "bring her out".

 

What do you think you can do for yourself in these two areas, right now, to feel better about your position in the marriage?

 

Have you considered MC and, if so, shared that with her? Has she ever asked you to consider MC? How do you feel about sharing with a neutral third party?

 

At first I went to a personal counselor. Big mistake. I went to a few sessions until she agreed to go to one. I asked her not to go unless she was willing to reconcile. He wanted to meet with her by herself first so I waited outside until he called me back in. When I came back in he actually told us both to get the divorce and move on with our lives. Apparently she used that time to see how bad she could bash me. She didn't want to reconcile, she just wanted some one to agree with her. If she talks to some one and they don't tell her what she wants to here she doesn't go back to them. That includes her sister. She talked to her sister and her sister didnt tell what she wanted to here. She hasn't spoken to her sister since.

 

I've been going to a Christian MC for the past month or so. I don't think she knows. Its not that I'm trying to hide it form her but as far as I can tell she is completely unwilling to reconcile. Did I mention she stubborn too?

[husbndinthemaking]

At first I went to a personal counselor. Big mistake. I went to a few sessions until she agreed to go to one. I asked her not to go unless she was willing to reconcile. He wanted to meet with her by herself first so I waited outside until he called me back in. When I came back in he actually told us both to get the divorce and move on with our lives. Apparently she used that time to see how bad she could bash me. She didn't want to reconcile, she just wanted some one to agree with her. If she talks to some one and they don't tell her what she wants to here she doesn't go back to them. That includes her sister. She talked to her sister and her sister didnt tell what she wanted to here. She hasn't spoken to her sister since.

 

I've been going to a Christian MC for the past month or so. I don't think she knows. Its not that I'm trying to hide it form her but as far as I can tell she is completely unwilling to reconcile. Did I mention she stubborn too?

 

"I asked her not to go unless she was willing to reconcile." - Big mistake. She is going to take that as a demand from you. With the way she feels right now, do you think she is going to listen to you? She is obviously looking at you in a negative way and needs time to rethink your position in her life.

 

It sounds like you are set in your ways and you need to stop if you want your wife back.

 

Let me ask you this... How important is it that you get your wife back? Would you do anything to do so? If you answer "yes", then stop what you are doing and listen to her.

 

Have you ever asked her what she wants and followed what she said? If not, you need to listen to her. REALLY listen to what she thinks she needs right now. Best of luck to you.

 

The only way to get her to change her mind is to agree with her. Yes. Make her feel special and listen to her. DO NOT talk about your feelings right now. She doesn't care about your feelings.

 

I went through the same thing with my wife. I followed the guide at zaxxes.com and my wife andI are happier than ever. The guide walks through the things I needed to do to establish my marriage again and it worked. It did take some time to do so. But likeI said, my wife and life are back. Now my 2 year old daughter will have her daddy in her life as well.

[Antax]

I understand what you are saying completely. When I asked her to go to the session, that was months ago and have I have learned from my mistakes. I guess there's another issues I left off. I wanted to be controlling but just didn't see it at the time. I never told she couldn't do anythign or go anywere but I guess I couldn't just let her go. But like I said, tell me what I did wrong and I will try to fix best as I can. Sometimes I can't, all I can do is ask for forgiveness.

 

I haven't asked her to do anything. I haven't called her in months unless I absolutely had to and that was only a couple times.

 

Yes, I do want my wife back in my life but if she doesn't want to be back why cant she just stay out of mine. Quit trying to run me down and make me feel bad. Its like she's throwing it in my face that's shes divorcing me.

 

BTW: I bought the Love Boost ebook. I also bought the one from Cucan Pemo a couple months ago, which turned out to be a great investment of itself. Sadly, that was after the consoler session that didnt go so well.

[TrustInYourself]

Read some of my recent posts on some of the other recent threads in this forum. I addressed why the cheating spouse will act out and cast blame.

 

What are your expectations and goals? What do you want? You have to have some idea of what you are trying to achieve out of your life in regards to this woman. Do you even want her back?

 

And her statements about doing nothing wrong? Sorry, but there is something called an emotional affair. You don't have to sleep with someone to be cheating. Research emotional affair, but don't do it so you can hold it over her head. Just understand that your feelings of hurt and jealousy are validated.

 

You're not at complete fault here. You should not be apologizing constantly or conceding that you are completely at fault. Stop playing that game with her. Just don't feed her anger or validate her arguments with you. Be calm and positive and invincible. Have a state of mind of being at peace and in control of your life and your emotional state of mind. That takes effort. This is coming from a man who is extremely emotional and I really feed off spontanaeous actions, so I know this can be challenging.

[husbndinthemaking]

I understand what you are saying completely. When I asked her to go to the session, that was months ago and have I have learned from my mistakes. I guess there's another issues I left off. I wanted to be controlling but just didn't see it at the time. I never told she couldn't do anythign or go anywere but I guess I couldn't just let her go. But like I said, tell me what I did wrong and I will try to fix best as I can. Sometimes I can't, all I can do is ask for forgiveness.

 

I haven't asked her to do anything. I haven't called her in months unless I absolutely had to and that was only a couple times.

 

Yes, I do want my wife back in my life but if she doesn't want to be back why cant she just stay out of mine. Quit trying to run me down and make me feel bad. Its like she's throwing it in my face that's shes divorcing me.

 

BTW: I bought the Love Boost ebook. I also bought the one from Cucan Pemo a couple months ago, which turned out to be a great investment of itself. Sadly, that was after the consoler session that didnt go so well.

 

 

One of the best advice I learned is to listen to my wife without being judgemental. She talks, and I just listen. I do not speak when she is talking. I acknowledge her by reponses like, "Ok." and "I see your point". This tells her that I am listening to her and she has 100% of my attention. I also remain positive in our conversations. Never negative and demanding.

 

Try this...

 

Next conversation you have with her. Do this. (This is her calling you)

 

Ring ... Ring ...

 

"Hello?" - You reply upbeat.

 

"Hey" - Wife

 

"Hey there! How are you doing this fine afternoon?" - Reply

 

"Why are you so happy?" - Wife

 

"I don't know... I feel great and postive today for some reason. It's a good feeling!" - Reply

 

"Well whatever. Anyway.... Blah... Blah... Blah..." - Wife

 

Reply with "Ok.", "Sure.", "I hear you.", "Uh-huh.", "Absolutely."

 

If the conversation goes stale and there is a pause longer than 10 seconds, tell her you have to go.

 

Eveything you say needs to be POSITIVE. If she calls you a stupid ass, reply with, "I think you may be right. I have been kind of assy lately. Sorry bout that."

 

Now, some people may think that you are changing for her. This is BULL****. You are changing your attitude because you want to be with her. Dump your pride for a few days and try this. I guarantee she will be calling more frequently to talk to the new and improved you.

[Antax]

Thanks again for all your comments. I cant help but feel as though sometimes I have taken a step forward only to take 2 steps back.

 

We had a good conversation last Friday. She talked I listened. She told me how her day was going, I listened. Then she asked me for the password and I gave it to her. Again, I learn form my mistakes. I changed the password again Monday and that afternoon I got an email stating the account had been locked out for to many password attempts. She had tried to get into it again. I haven't spoken to her since.

[husbndinthemaking]

You need to feed her with the "I am doing great! without you" attitude. You need to show her that you are having a blast with your new found freedom.

 

I tried this once and it worked great...

 

My wife had called me and I said, "Sorry. I would really like to speak with you right now, but I can't. I am heading out right now. Can I call you later?"

 

... and don't call her back.

 

She needs to realize that she misses you right now. Give her those reasons. Be bsy with your new found life she has thrown at you. Show her that it is actually making you happy and she will wonder why you have this new positive attitude.

 

It will feel like you are getting nowwhere for some time. But believe me, eventually she will come back to you if you play your cards right. Keep working at it. It does take some time to get her back emotionally.

 

Did I mention that my wife was gong to run away with another man to another state and take my baby with her? Now, we are happier than ever and I am building back the trust with her. It is a good feeling.

[Antax]

So if that's makes her mad is that a good thing? We had a county fair a few weeks ago (its a small town). I'm on the fair board so I was there the whole time. She got mad at me cause I was walking around like nothing was wrong. Actually jumped my case about it.

[bish]

Sorry, this is may get a little lengthy.

 

My wife of 15 years is divorcing me. We have 2 kids, 11 and 7. We just got through building the house of her dreams, which she left to me. She moved back in with her father. Her mother died 2 years ago and she never really dealt with it, taking anti depressants. In April she began a "relationship" with an older man. Or should I say he began a relationship with her. I pretty sure there wasn't anything physical between them but that doesn't help. After she filed for divorce she finally told what they were talking about her loosing her mother. She thought since he just lost his mother he understood better than I did.

 

Anyway on with the reason I'm here. She often tells me shes not coming back.

 

Thats a good thing. You don't need someone so untrustworthy anyway.

 

 

Shes made that perfectly clear many times. So why does she check my cell phone records and then bitch me out cause I sent another woman 6 tesxt messages in 1 day?

 

Because she is a psycho. Its perfectly ok for her to hook up with another guy while married to you, but thinks you should be alone until the divorce is over.

 

Just tell her the next time she bitches you out that she screwed around on you and is divorcing you, therefore whatever you do is none of her damn business.

 

 

I mean she was texting this other guy 10 times a day. Why should she care? She's divorcing me right? The only time she reminds me that shes not coming back is when shes mad at me about something. So is this her "venting" about things and trying to hurt me as much as she can to make her feal good about herself in the process? Maybe try to justify her actions?

 

This gives her something to talk about with others. "He is screwing around on me, so I don't feel bad about doing it to him"...even though she did it first and is divorcing you because of this guy.

 

 

 

What makes a woman willing to give up everything she has?

 

Being fickle and selfish and that schoolgirl feeling of being with someone new until that person becomes old news in the future.

 

 

 

And I mean everything, she packed her clothes, some pictures, a couple pots and pans and left. We have joint custody of the kids so she's also leaving half of the kids.

 

There's more I'd to add but I guess this had gotten to long allready.

 

Are you in a position to take custody and do you want custody? then document how she left.

 

but don't worry about why she bitches you out about texting another woman. Be glad you are texting another woman and that her cheating arse is gone.

[bish]

One of the best advice I learned is to listen to my wife without being judgemental. She talks, and I just listen. I do not speak when she is talking. I acknowledge her by reponses like, "Ok." and "I see your point". This tells her that I am listening to her and she has 100% of my attention. I also remain positive in our conversations. Never negative and demanding.

 

Try this...

 

Next conversation you have with her. Do this. (This is her calling you)

 

Ring ... Ring ...

 

"Hello?" - You reply upbeat.

 

"Hey" - Wife

 

"Hey there! How are you doing this fine afternoon?" - Reply

 

"Why are you so happy?" - Wife

 

"I don't know... I feel great and postive today for some reason. It's a good feeling!" - Reply

 

"Well whatever. Anyway.... Blah... Blah... Blah..." - Wife

 

Reply with "Ok.", "Sure.", "I hear you.", "Uh-huh.", "Absolutely."

 

If the conversation goes stale and there is a pause longer than 10 seconds, tell her you have to go.

 

Eveything you say needs to be POSITIVE. If she calls you a stupid ass, reply with, "I think you may be right. I have been kind of assy lately. Sorry bout that."

 

Now, some people may think that you are changing for her. This is BULL****. You are changing your attitude because you want to be with her. Dump your pride for a few days and try this. I guarantee she will be calling more frequently to talk to the new and improved you.

 

But it wouldn't be a new and improved him. He'd just be doing it to see what happens.

 

And what is with the swallowing pride thing? How many more times is he gonna have to swallow his pride with someone that will more than likely step out on him time and time again?

[bish]

"I asked her not to go unless she was willing to reconcile." - Big mistake. She is going to take that as a demand from you. With the way she feels right now, do you think she is going to listen to you? She is obviously looking at you in a negative way and needs time to rethink your position in her life.

 

It sounds like you are set in your ways and you need to stop if you want your wife back.

 

Let me ask you this... How important is it that you get your wife back? Would you do anything to do so? If you answer "yes", then stop what you are doing and listen to her.

 

Have you ever asked her what she wants and followed what she said? If not, you need to listen to her. REALLY listen to what she thinks she needs right now. Best of luck to you.

 

The only way to get her to change her mind is to agree with her. Yes. Make her feel special and listen to her. DO NOT talk about your feelings right now. She doesn't care about your feelings.

 

I went through the same thing with my wife. I followed the guide at zaxxes.com and my wife andI are happier than ever. The guide walks through the things I needed to do to establish my marriage again and it worked. It did take some time to do so. But likeI said, my wife and life are back. Now my 2 year old daughter will have her daddy in her life as well.

 

She is the one that stepped out on him. Why are you acting like he is the one that has to do all the work in "saving" his marriage?

 

A mindset like that will get him walked all over time and time again.

[TrustInYourself]

A relationship is a mutual thing. Both of them have work to do. So him working on the relationship (since he is the guy posting here and asking for advice) and changing is good for the both of them.

 

Just because HITM didn't mention his wife's faults or problems, doesn't mean she doesn't have any, or that those faults do not need to be addressed.

[TrustInYourself]

So if that's makes her mad is that a good thing? We had a county fair a few weeks ago (its a small town). I'm on the fair board so I was there the whole time. She got mad at me cause I was walking around like nothing was wrong. Actually jumped my case about it.

 

Jealousy and anger and selfishness are all attempts at control. Smile and be at peace with yourself. Show her your phone record with all the text messages. You have nothing to hide. When she calls, do exactly as HITM has suggested. Agree with her, listen. Do not allow her to control your reactions or validate her reasoning.