Does she really meen what she says?

[bish]

A relationship is a mutual thing. Both of them have work to do. So him working on the relationship (since he is the guy posting here and asking for advice) and changing is good for the both of them.

 

Just because HITM didn't mention his wife's faults or problems, doesn't mean she doesn't have any, or that those faults do not need to be addressed.

 

Whats to work on? Now that he knows that if he doesn't act in exactly the way she wants, that she will step out on him. If things don't go exactly her way, off to another man she will go.

 

Its called emotional extortion. I mean, if someone is willing to be held hostage that way, then have at it and good luck.

[TrustInYourself]

Whats to work on? Now that he knows that if he doesn't act in exactly the way she wants, that she will step out on him. If things don't go exactly her way, off to another man she will go.

 

Its called emotional extortion. I mean, if someone is willing to be held hostage that way, then have at it and good luck.

 

I'll clarify. Work on the issues that led down this path for his own benefit.

 

I'm not advocating change for the sake of appeasing someone else. That's a worthless endeavor. Changing because you recognize your part in a failed relationship is how you grow from the loss.

 

Do your own thing but recognize your flaws and address them. Just walking away is the easy way out.

[Antax]

I don't blame her for all of our problems. I blame myself just as much. I myself may have stepped out on her at some time if given the opportunity. The difference was, I made sure I never gave myself the opportunity. I don't think she did either. I blame the OM for a lot of this. His marriage was on the rocks and he looked somewhere else for comfort. Problem was he looked to my W for it and my W couldn't see what was happening. I even confronted him on it when it was over. I knew who the man was. Like I said its a small town. He knows what he did was wrong. He knows he shouldn't have done what he did. Does that make it better? No. So what does all that matter? My wife still left. Maybe not for another man but because of another man. Apparently I didn't show or give the love I needed to. She told me I bought her things trying to buys her love. My reply was "I bought her things because I loved her". Note: I said loved not love. I thought I already had here love I didn't know I had lost it. I mean she put on one hell of a show. Some one should give her an Oscar.

 

I tried to get her to slow down and wait on the divorce. We went from happy as can be to filing for divorced in 4 months. I knew my wife was hurting. I knew she was depressed. I knew she was confused. I also knew if she would just wait for things to settle down a little we could work things out. Her thought of trying was saying "I love you" for 3 weeks. Sorry, I couldn't do it. Not that soon after what had happened. I was an a$$. Plain and simple. I was trying to trust her again and she just couldn't understand why I didn't trust her to begin with. Believe me I was trying. It took everything I had.

 

Do I still love my wife? Yes. Do I want my family back together? Yes. Will I do anything I can to make this happen? Yes. Do I think I can trust or love my wife as much as I did before? Yes. I even looked at taking one of Mort Fertels classes. Whats $400 when we're talking about my family? Problem is I dont have the $400. I feel like I've let my kids down. My son asks me why mom wants a divorce. I tell him I dont really know. He said he asked her but he did but hasn't gotten an answer. Whoever says the kids will be ok and they will get through it is full of s**t. The kids have no choice.

[TrustInYourself]

I don't blame her for all of our problems. I blame myself just as much. I myself may have stepped out on her at some time if given the opportunity. The difference was, I made sure I never gave myself the opportunity. I don't think she did either. I blame the OM for a lot of this. His marriage was on the rocks and he looked somewhere else for comfort. Problem was he looked to my W for it and my W couldn't see what was happening. I even confronted him on it when it was over. I knew who the man was. Like I said its a small town. He knows what he did was wrong. He knows he shouldn't have done what he did. Does that make it better? No. So what does all that matter? My wife still left. Maybe not for another man but because of another man. Apparently I didn't show or give the love I needed to. She told me I bought her things trying to buys her love. My reply was "I bought her things because I loved her". Note: I said loved not love. I thought I already had here love I didn't know I had lost it. I mean she put on one hell of a show. Some one should give her an Oscar.

 

I tried to get her to slow down and wait on the divorce. We went from happy as can be to filing for divorced in 4 months. I knew my wife was hurting. I knew she was depressed. I knew she was confused. I also knew if she would just wait for things to settle down a little we could work things out. Her thought of trying was saying "I love you" for 3 weeks. Sorry, I couldn't do it. Not that soon after what had happened. I was an a$$. Plain and simple. I was trying to trust her again and she just couldn't understand why I didn't trust her to begin with. Believe me I was trying. It took everything I had.

 

Do I still love my wife? Yes. Do I want my family back together? Yes. Will I do anything I can to make this happen? Yes. Do I think I can trust or love my wife as much as I did before? Yes. I even looked at taking one of Mort Fertels classes. Whats $400 when we're talking about my family? Problem is I dont have the $400. I feel like I've let my kids down. My son asks me why mom wants a divorce. I tell him I dont really know. He said he asked her but he did but hasn't gotten an answer. Whoever says the kids will be ok and they will get through it is full of s**t. The kids have no choice.

 

So what's going down? Where are you both going? Is she sure this is what she wants?

[husbndinthemaking]

But it wouldn't be a new and improved him. He'd just be doing it to see what happens.

 

And what is with the swallowing pride thing? How many more times is he gonna have to swallow his pride with someone that will more than likely step out on him time and time again?

 

LOL. The point is to get everyone back again on even ground and the love will return. In turn, it will improve his relationship. Which should improve his life. Which could improve himself.

 

Sure. He will have to lead by example. So what? This is a small price to pay to get her back, yes?

 

Let's see. I swallowed my pride for about 2 months or so. Now, I listen better and get more sex than I know what to do with. I am happier than I have ever been!

 

Step out on him? This will only happen if she thinks there is a problem with their relationship.

 

The point is to make them closer like when they first met. If he keeps listening and acknoledging her feelings, she will not step out ON him. She will step out WITH him. Get it?

[imagine]

The marriage sounds very rescuable from the clues that you've given.

 

If you do not have the book "Surviving an Affair", why not?

 

Those clues of reconciliation are in the conflict that you are having. Her affair will die out. Stats show that only 1% of affairees actually make it. Your approach to restoring your marriage sounds woefully lacklustre at this point.

 

Read all the articles at the marriage builders website. Oh yes, your story has been told a million times. Come back to us after reading. You are gonna need us.

[Ronni_W]

say along the lines of, "...please do not do it again." Or. "We no longer have the relationship where you get to bitch at me..."

Been there, done that. All I got was "so how does it feel to be accused of something your not doing?"

Her response, which I'm assuming is what you quoted, makes absolutely NO sense, in that context!

You did not "accuse" her of anything...you asked her to stop something and/or you reminded her of a fact of your current relationship.

 

I'd do it all again but, next time, not let her get away with such BS. Is she kidding you, with that crap???

[Simplycaroline]

Her response, which I'm assuming is what you quoted, makes absolutely NO sense, in that context!

You did not "accuse" her of anything...you asked her to stop something and/or you reminded her of a fact of your current relationship.

 

I'd do it all again but, next time, not let her get away with such BS. Is she kidding you, with that crap???

 

I do not think that she will get the opportunity to do this again being that she messed up and took advantage of the use of pass words. What he should do when she pulls these stunts is walk away from her or hang up on before it gets started.

[Simplycaroline]

Let her know that unless it concerns the children that they have nothing to talk about. Do not participate in her game. She knows that it bothers you so she does it intentionally. When she gets the impression that you could care less about how she feels about your life then she will change her attitude. People get used to the habit of response and reactions. Change the response and the action and she will not know how to react.

[husbndinthemaking]

Here is a question for you....

 

What would you do for the one you love? Would you take a bullet for them? Of course you would. Otherwise, you are not in love with them.

 

Anyway, my point is this, If all you have to do is ditch your pride for a few days, a month, whatever, it should not matter if you truly love them. This gets the marriage back on track. From there, you will see the love return. It is that simple.

 

After that, it is a matter of general maintenance. It gets easier once you learn how to do it.

 

It worked for me.

[Simplycaroline]

Here is a question for you....

 

What would you do for the one you love? Would you take a bullet for them? Of course you would. Otherwise, you are not in love with them.

 

Anyway, my point is this, If all you have to do is ditch your pride for a few days, a month, whatever, it should not matter if you truly love them. This gets the marriage back on track. From there, you will see the love return. It is that simple.

 

After that, it is a matter of general maintenance. It gets easier once you learn how to do it.

 

It worked for me.

 

 

What are you talking about? Ditch his pride? Are you married even? It takes more than human love to over come situations like his. His wife needs to do some serious work on herself or even if they got back together it would not work.

 

Swallowing his pride is not going to do it. If this were a female going through something similar I would not be suggesting that she swallow anything. This womans unhappiness and it is NOT his responsibility to fix her. SHE has to fix her. What you appear to be suggesting sounds codependent and humiliating for him.

 

She wont talk to him about their problems so how does this become his burden to bear alone. Marriages can not survive with one partner trying and the other living in denial. He can't make her do what is necessary for the survival of their marriage and for all intent and purposes the marriage is over.

[husbndinthemaking]

What are you talking about? Ditch his pride? Are you married even? It takes more than human love to over come situations like his. His wife needs to do some serious work on herself or even if they got back together it would not work.

 

Swallowing his pride is not going to do it. If this were a female going through something similar I would not be suggesting that she swallow anything. This womans unhappiness and it is NOT his responsibility to fix her. SHE has to fix her. What you appear to be suggesting sounds codependent and humiliating for him.

 

She wont talk to him about their problems so how does this become his burden to bear alone. Marriages can not survive with one partner trying and the other living in denial. He can't make her do what is necessary for the survival of their marriage and for all intent and purposes the marriage is over.

 

This is the type of negative attitude that brought you to these boards in the first place.

 

You CAN change people if you can change how they perceive you. This is fact. From there, you can help them learn about things that have you have improved on yourself.

 

Marriages can't survive with one partner trying and the other in denial, eh? I am laughing so hard right now that it hurts!!!

 

My wife was going to take my 2 year old baby to another state to live with another man. She told me that she wouldnt have to work another day in her life and she was certain her life would be better off with him.

 

So, you tell me... My wife and I are going on a cruise to Mexico in a few days. We are the happiest we have ever been.

 

Because I took the initiative to fix my marriage, she in turn changed her outlook on our future together.

 

Marriages can't survive with one partner trying and the other in denial, eh? You are COMPLETELY WRONG.

 

Oh yeah, and I am no longer selfish about what I do. I ask her for her opinion and listen to her ideas now. If you call that humiliating and codependent, then you should not be married. Marriage is a man and woman working together as a team. I was not a team player. I ignored her thoughts and was a big part of my marriage issues. I learned my lesson and grew from the experience. I did not remain close minded like you are doing. You are not looking at the whole picture.

[RecordProducer]

I Its like she's throwing it in my face that's shes divorcing me.

When they do this, they don't really want a divorce. They are doing the emotional blackmail.

 

This is the type of negative attitude that brought you to these boards in the first place.

People who are divorcing are usually very angry at each other. Anger is probably the number one reason for divorce. Anger doesn't necessarily mean fighting and yelling; it can be disappointment in any form that feeds the anger.

 

I think the only way to save a marriage is for both parties get past the anger, forget the problems from the past, and start anew. If the future brings mutual understanding and compatibility, everything will be straightened out. If the same things repeat, nothing is achieved.

 

You asked if she means what she says about divorcing you? For now, she is just threatening hoping that she would achieve something. She wants you to chase after her, and if you do, she will return and be the sweet wife again. But! - she wants you to make some changes and I think it's only fair to try to contribute to your spouse's happiness. She should do the same and you should let her know how you want her to change.

 

When your attitude is that you are not responsible for her happiness, you are not making her happy and she starts seeking happiness in love elsewhere. The more you give the more you receive.

[Simplycaroline]

This is the type of negative attitude that brought you to these boards in the first place.

 

You CAN change people if you can change how they perceive you. This is fact. From there, you can help them learn about things that have you have improved on yourself.

 

Marriages can't survive with one partner trying and the other in denial, eh? I am laughing so hard right now that it hurts!!!

 

My wife was going to take my 2 year old baby to another state to live with another man. She told me that she wouldnt have to work another day in her life and she was certain her life would be better off with him.

 

So, you tell me... My wife and I are going on a cruise to Mexico in a few days. We are the happiest we have ever been.

 

Because I took the initiative to fix my marriage, she in turn changed her outlook on our future together.

 

Marriages can't survive with one partner trying and the other in denial, eh? You are COMPLETELY WRONG.

 

Oh yeah, and I am no longer selfish about what I do. I ask her for her opinion and listen to her ideas now. If you call that humiliating and codependent, then you should not be married. Marriage is a man and woman working together as a team. I was not a team player. I ignored her thoughts and was a big part of my marriage issues. I learned my lesson and grew from the experience. I did not remain close minded like you are doing. You are not looking at the whole picture.

 

 

I am glad that things worked out between you and your wife. You are misguided and more than a little arrogant in thinking that you changed her. Chances are that SHE changed her because she NEVER sincerely wanted to leave you anyway. Her open threat to leave with the otherman was an open and intentional warning or threat to get your attention and she did.

 

You are one of the fortunate ones. Not all situations are like yours. Not all men that are having problems with their spouses are guilty of the same things that YOU were guilty of with your wife. The one size fits all approach sounds like religious fanatisim to say the least.

 

There is alot of anger between this couple and he does not have the power or the responsibility to change it on his own.

[kiteflyer]

I just posted my situation. Besides some of the specifics it does sound very familiar. I thought it was the depression speaking with my wife. I still have not ruled that out. All I can say is hang in there. One day we may understand and we also may not. Relationships are complex. I hope in both our cases we can reconcile and live a full life to the end of our days.

 

kiteflyer.

[Antax]

husbndinthemaking...

This sounds like a conversation I had with a coworker that is going through something similar to mine. Problem is he was really controlling with his wife and even at cheated on her at an early point in her marriage.

 

My wife and I always made decisions together. Maybe not on what to have for dinner but all the major decisions in our lives were made by us both. She even told me a few days ago that me and our kids were her world. I remember these times and they weren't that long ago.

 

Is she sure this is what she wants?

I don't know. I guess that's why I asked the question... Does she really meen what she says?

[RecordProducer]

I guess that's why I asked the question... Does she really meen what she says?

Mean - not meen.

[Antax]

Mean - not meen.

I stand corrected

[RecordProducer]

I stand corrected

<<<------------taps Antax on the shoulder and places a quick kiss on his cheek.

[husbndinthemaking]

I am glad that things worked out between you and your wife. You are misguided and more than a little arrogant in thinking that you changed her. Chances are that SHE changed her because she NEVER sincerely wanted to leave you anyway. Her open threat to leave with the otherman was an open and intentional warning or threat to get your attention and she did.

 

You are one of the fortunate ones. Not all situations are like yours. Not all men that are having problems with their spouses are guilty of the same things that YOU were guilty of with your wife. The one size fits all approach sounds like religious fanatisim to say the least.

 

There is alot of anger between this couple and he does not have the power or the responsibility to change it on his own.

 

By giving her what she wants emotionally, she has given me what I want emotionally. I had to start the process in order for her to change her mindset about me. I started the process. She can think anything she wants to about me and now she thinks of me as her husband again.

 

And yes, she was going to leave me. Now who sounds arrogant? She met his parents, she had a date set, etc. If I had not changed my attitude and started feeding her on an emotional level, she would have left me with my daughter in tow. She was done with staying and fighting with me every day. And I couldn't blame her. She never came out and told me she was leaving me. I found out through my phone bill and yelled at her about the 30 minute calls to this guy. Then she confessed.

 

The funny thing is, it is not a one size fits all. Some things work for some people, some do not.

 

Let me ask you this, do you think someone would be happy staying with someone that does not feel wanted? Maybe in an abusive relationship this is possible, but not in the majority.

 

The one thing that I have found that works for most people is that there is miscommunication that causes the problems. I decided to get rid of the communication problem by only looking at her side for awhile and putting my feelings on hold. Did it work? Hell yes it worked. Last night she told me that she loved me and I did not have to say it first. I can't tell you how good that felt to hear her say that.

 

So, I put my feelings aside and fed her the emotions she craved. Am I weak? Did I swallow my pride for her? Damn straight I did. And you know what? It worked for us. I would do it again in a heart beat if it meant that I would get her back. She is worth it and so is my daughter.

 

There is alot of anger between this couple and he does not have the power or the responsibility to change it on his own.

 

Who are you to say this? His wife? Cause you sure sound like it.

It is that kind of negative attitude that KILLS relationships.

I bet you if he does what he needs to do to feed her emotionally, that they will be a success story. He just needs to pay attention to her that way that he did when they first met. That is the time when she found him attractive, funny, etc. If he can pay attention to what she is saying to him and put his feelings aside for a little while, she will come back around.

[Antax]

But how can I treat her like I did when we first started dating when she acts like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me? When I see her there's no smile. There's no glow in her face like there was a year ago. Its like shes just floating through life right now. There's no emotions at all. I first I thought it was just around me but her aunts tell me shes the same way around them and the rest of her family.

 

When we started dating I would call her at least once a day. If I were to call now I think she would view it like I was trying to check up on her.

[Simplycaroline]

By giving her what she wants emotionally, she has given me what I want emotionally. I had to start the process in order for her to change her mindset about me. I started the process. She can think anything she wants to about me and now she thinks of me as her husband again.

 

And yes, she was going to leave me. Now who sounds arrogant? She met his parents, she had a date set, etc. If I had not changed my attitude and started feeding her on an emotional level, she would have left me with my daughter in tow. She was done with staying and fighting with me every day. And I couldn't blame her. She never came out and told me she was leaving me. I found out through my phone bill and yelled at her about the 30 minute calls to this guy. Then she confessed.

 

The funny thing is, it is not a one size fits all. Some things work for some people, some do not.

 

Let me ask you this, do you think someone would be happy staying with someone that does not feel wanted? Maybe in an abusive relationship this is possible, but not in the majority.

 

The one thing that I have found that works for most people is that there is miscommunication that causes the problems. I decided to get rid of the communication problem by only looking at her side for awhile and putting my feelings on hold. Did it work? Hell yes it worked. Last night she told me that she loved me and I did not have to say it first. I can't tell you how good that felt to hear her say that.

 

So, I put my feelings aside and fed her the emotions she craved. Am I weak? Did I swallow my pride for her? Damn straight I did. And you know what? It worked for us. I would do it again in a heart beat if it meant that I would get her back. She is worth it and so is my daughter.

 

 

 

Who are you to say this? His wife? Cause you sure sound like it.

It is that kind of negative attitude that KILLS relationships.

I bet you if he does what he needs to do to feed her emotionally, that they will be a success story. He just needs to pay attention to her that way that he did when they first met. That is the time when she found him attractive, funny, etc. If he can pay attention to what she is saying to him and put his feelings aside for a little while, she will come back around.

 

You are a fanatic and YES an arrogant one at that. YOU made the changes that you needed to make for the survival of your relationship. This is what your wife wanted. If she no longer loved you and no longer wanted to be with you you could have made all of the changes that you thought necessary and it would have had NO effect.

 

GOOD for you! Count your blessings and stop comparing everyones situation to your own. YOUR wife is NOT every woman in in a troubled marriage and YOU are NOT every man. As I said this is not a one fits all cure.

 

Your response to accuse him or any other man of not listening to his wife and giving her what she needed comes for YOUR flaw with your wife. It may not be the case with him and his wife.

 

People like you make me sick, things are working well for you and now you are trying to "Dr Phil"other people according to your own experience.

 

If someone is suffering from a mental illness like depression chances are she won't be able to process any of his efforts until she faces some of her very own demons.

 

Again YOU can NOT change anyone but YOURSELF. YOU did NOT change your wife. GET it! She changed. If she was going to leave you for the other man she would have.

 

I hope that this continues to work for you because you are going to be one destroyed man if it doesn't.

[bish]

I'll clarify. Work on the issues that led down this path for his own benefit.

 

I'm not advocating change for the sake of appeasing someone else.

 

You may not be advocating it, but the reality is, people like his W use the less-than-perfect home situation as an excuse to cheat.

 

It will be like he has to walk on eggshells just to keep her from messing around.

 

 

That's a worthless endeavor.

 

I agree.

 

 

Do your own thing but recognize your flaws and address them.

 

I agree here too.

 

 

Just walking away is the easy way out.

 

I disagree here. It isn't about what is the "easy way out". Its about bettering one's situation.

 

Everyone has their own opinion. Mine is, why fight for something that more than likely is not worth it?

 

Me personally, if someone cheats, I'd rather move on and focus my energies on someone I can actually give the benefit of the doubt rather than busting my arse on someone that 1) doesn't really deserve my efforts and 2) someone that I'll have to alway wonder about.

 

but thats me.

[bish]

I don't blame her for all of our problems. I blame myself just as much. I myself may have stepped out on her at some time if given the opportunity. The difference was, I made sure I never gave myself the opportunity.

 

Opportunity or not, given the fact you just admitted you could have cheated too, what does "opportunity" do to make the difference between you two? nothing really.

 

 

I don't think she did either. I blame the OM for a lot of this.

 

While I understand animosity towards an OM/OW, and they do share responsbility, the majority of the blame lies with your W.

 

 

His marriage was on the rocks and he looked somewhere else for comfort. Problem was he looked to my W for it and my W couldn't see what was happening.

 

You mean she doesn't have a mind of her own and knows improper contact with another man when she sees it?

 

i see you making excuses for her now.

 

So question is, what is your plan now?

[bish]

LOL. The point is to get everyone back again on even ground and the love will return. In turn, it will improve his relationship. Which should improve his life. Which could improve himself.

 

Sure. He will have to lead by example. So what? This is a small price to pay to get her back, yes?

 

Point was it was as if he was expected to do all the work.

 

Small price to pay? No. Not for a cheater. Its like paying good money for a rotten apple.

 

 

 

Let's see. I swallowed my pride for about 2 months or so. Now, I listen better and get more sex than I know what to do with. I am happier than I have ever been!

 

Me too. But its not with my wife, but someone else.

 

 

Step out on him? This will only happen if she thinks there is a problem with their relationship.

 

 

Like I said, if she thinks everything just isn't going her little way, yes, this will happen again.

 

 

The point is to make them closer like when they first met. If he keeps listening and acknoledging her feelings, she will not step out ON him. She will step out WITH him. Get it?

 

Maybe she will, maybe she won't. But what is true is now he'd be with someone who will be thinking how great it would be to be with another man...regardless of how much he listens and how much she steps out WITH him.

 

and god help him if they ever have a teeny weeny little problem.