Does she really meen what she says?

[Antax]

Opportunity or not, given the fact you just admitted you could have cheated too, what does "opportunity" do to make the difference between you two? nothing really.

 

Everyone has a point of weakness in there life. A time when you are vulnerable to anything. How you deal with that brings about the opportunities you will bring into your life. Myself, I can see when I am in a weak state and am able to bring myself out of it. My W was never able to do this. I was always the one who had to bring her out of it. This time it hit so hard and she fell so fast that I couldn't help her. She came off her meds but didn't tell me. She had to do it herself but she wasn't able to handle it.

 

You mean she doesn't have a mind of her own and knows improper contact with another man when she sees it?

 

Point taken. Question is, was she or is she in a right state of mind to be able to make rational decisions? A person strung out on drugs cant see that they are addicted. They have to clear there head first so they can think rationally. I'm not defending her actions. I'm just saying I understand her actions. She had no right to take it that far. But that doesn't mean I had to shove it in her face every other day. I've been with this woman for 20 years. Since we were in high school. I talked to her in ways that I have never spoken to her.

 

So question is, what is your plan now?

To move on with my life. If she decides to change her mind, I will listen to what she has to say. Depending on what she has to say will depend on whether or not we can reconcile. First, I will have to have my apology. She will have to realize how she effected my life and our kids life. Second, I get to take that damn cell phone away from her. Third, she will need to get some physological help herself to help her deal with the loss of her mother.

[bish]

To move on with my life. If she decides to change her mind, I will listen to what she has to say. Depending on what she has to say will depend on whether or not we can reconcile.

 

Very good. The insinuation that you are the one the greater burden lies on fixing things, especially after she cheated, is a load of bunk.

 

If you are wanting to reconcile, effort should be made by the both of you.

 

It is silly to think that YOU are the one that needs to swallow pride and basically allow yourself to be blackmailed into acting exactly how she wants you to act.

 

Cuz like I said, god help you if things don't go exactly her way in the future.

[TrustInYourself]

Haha. I love these replies.

 

Antax when you want advice to positively contribute to your marriage, let me know.

[Antax]

Haha. I love these replies.

 

Antax when you want advice to positively contribute to your marriage, let me know.

Ok, would this be considered letting you know?

[husbndinthemaking]

Very good. The insinuation that you are the one the greater burden lies on fixing things, especially after she cheated, is a load of bunk.

 

If you are wanting to reconcile, effort should be made by the both of you.

 

It is silly to think that YOU are the one that needs to swallow pride and basically allow yourself to be blackmailed into acting exactly how she wants you to act.

 

Cuz like I said, god help you if things don't go exactly her way in the future.

 

This process only lasts for a month or 2. It is not forever. It is just to get the marriage back on track.

 

Trust - these replies make me laugh also!

 

Few more days till me wife and I hit the cruise! Can't wait!

[a4a]

This process only lasts for a month or 2. It is not forever. It is just to get the marriage back on track.

 

Trust - these replies make me laugh also!

 

Few more days till me wife and I hit the cruise! Can't wait!

 

HITM- you are right. As I told my own H - you are in the dog house until my anger subsides. If you want this marriage to work you need to swallow your pride, agree with me if I say the sky is purple, not give lip back, and this might work out. Keep doing what you are doing and you don't have a chance in hell.

 

I guess it all depends on if you want the M to work or not. Perhaps those who really don't just keep up the same behavior and posturing?

 

If you decide you really want to make the M work then you do the work first.

You don't wait for your spouse to jump in there and fix it with you.... and you don't expect a instant positive response.

 

If it is not worth the effort or a bruise to your ego - just get divorced.

[Antax]

Well shes allready filed for divorce. She filed in May and served me the papers a few days after that. Then she started acting weird. Signs that showed me she really didnt want a divorce. I heard what she said but was also watching what she was doing. After my friend was killed in a motorcylce wreck I refrused to sign the papers (I know what your going to say, that just made it worse).

 

One friday night I went out to shoot some pool and stayed out till about 1AM. Nothing went on, I just went out to shoot some pool with friends one of them happened to be a woman. A happily married woman. I wasnt there for her, she just happened to be there. I had had a couple drinks and was on my bike and it was 1AM so the woman asked me to send her a text to let me know I got home ok. The next monday my wife calls up asking whos phone number this was that our son had been calling them. Sorry, I dont remember phone numbers and besides, she said it was on our sons account. An hour later she called back demanding to know whos number it was. When I pulled it up on my cell phone and told who it was she went off on me. But she allready knew who it was. She had called the number.

 

I hadnt called her or asked her were she had been in months. I dont know how long she had been pulling my cell phone records but that was when I decided to just go ahead and sign the papers and change the password on the cell phone web site so she couldnt pull them any more. I'm figuring the divorce will be final some where toward the end of November.

 

So I guess I still go back to my original question. Does she mean what she says when she says shes not coming back? Should I even try to pursue trying to fix my marriage and if so, how? Do I just wait on her? I haven't been on any dates but I have changed my MySpace page from married to divorced. Some people see this as a major thing, some don't. And I got a few free accounts on a couple dating sites.

[husbndinthemaking]

You are a fanatic and YES an arrogant one at that. YOU made the changes that you needed to make for the survival of your relationship. This is what your wife wanted. If she no longer loved you and no longer wanted to be with you you could have made all of the changes that you thought necessary and it would have had NO effect.

 

GOOD for you! Count your blessings and stop comparing everyones situation to your own. YOUR wife is NOT every woman in in a troubled marriage and YOU are NOT every man. As I said this is not a one fits all cure.

 

Your response to accuse him or any other man of not listening to his wife and giving her what she needed comes for YOUR flaw with your wife. It may not be the case with him and his wife.

 

People like you make me sick, things are working well for you and now you are trying to "Dr Phil"other people according to your own experience.

 

If someone is suffering from a mental illness like depression chances are she won't be able to process any of his efforts until she faces some of her very own demons.

 

Again YOU can NOT change anyone but YOURSELF. YOU did NOT change your wife. GET it! She changed. If she was going to leave you for the other man she would have.

 

I hope that this continues to work for you because you are going to be one destroyed man if it doesn't.

 

Wow. You are really lost....

 

One destroyed man? LOL. That is hillarious!

 

Guess what? It WONT happen to me again cause I learned form it.

 

Anyway, these methods DO NOT work if someone has depression, mental illness, etc. That goes without saying.

 

But to me, this does not sound like the case with him.

 

Let me ask you this smart girl, what could it hurt for him to be more positive with her and listen to her? His pride gets bruised? His feelings get hurt again?

 

This to me is a small price to pay to get his relationship back on track.

 

And again, you didnt answer my question from earlier.... Are you his wife?

[husbndinthemaking]

HITM- you are right. As I told my own H - you are in the dog house until my anger subsides. If you want this marriage to work you need to swallow your pride, agree with me if I say the sky is purple, not give lip back, and this might work out. Keep doing what you are doing and you don't have a chance in hell.

 

I guess it all depends on if you want the M to work or not. Perhaps those who really don't just keep up the same behavior and posturing?

 

If you decide you really want to make the M work then you do the work first.

You don't wait for your spouse to jump in there and fix it with you.... and you don't expect a instant positive response.

 

If it is not worth the effort or a bruise to your ego - just get divorced.

 

 

Well said. I commend you.

[husbndinthemaking]

Well shes allready filed for divorce. She filed in May and served me the papers a few days after that. Then she started acting weird. Signs that showed me she really didnt want a divorce. I heard what she said but was also watching what she was doing. After my friend was killed in a motorcylce wreck I refrused to sign the papers (I know what your going to say, that just made it worse).

 

 

After I got the divorce papers I would have said, "If this is what makes you happy, then I will do this for you. All I want is for you to be happy."

[Antax]

I did. I told her if that's what she wanted I would give it to her. But then she started doing things that didn't look like she really wanted the divorce. I know I should have just went ahead and signed them when she gave them to me but something told me to hold on to them.

[a4a]

why in the world didn't you sign those papers?

 

And you may have signed them but you are still playing with it in your mind.

[Simplycaroline]

Well shes allready filed for divorce. She filed in May and served me the papers a few days after that. Then she started acting weird. Signs that showed me she really didnt want a divorce. I heard what she said but was also watching what she was doing. After my friend was killed in a motorcylce wreck I refrused to sign the papers (I know what your going to say, that just made it worse).

 

One friday night I went out to shoot some pool and stayed out till about 1AM. Nothing went on, I just went out to shoot some pool with friends one of them happened to be a woman. A happily married woman. I wasnt there for her, she just happened to be there. I had had a couple drinks and was on my bike and it was 1AM so the woman asked me to send her a text to let me know I got home ok. The next monday my wife calls up asking whos phone number this was that our son had been calling them. Sorry, I dont remember phone numbers and besides, she said it was on our sons account. An hour later she called back demanding to know whos number it was. When I pulled it up on my cell phone and told who it was she went off on me. But she allready knew who it was. She had called the number.

 

I hadnt called her or asked her were she had been in months. I dont know how long she had been pulling my cell phone records but that was when I decided to just go ahead and sign the papers and change the password on the cell phone web site so she couldnt pull them any more. I'm figuring the divorce will be final some where toward the end of November.

 

So I guess I still go back to my original question. Does she mean what she says when she says shes not coming back? Should I even try to pursue trying to fix my marriage and if so, how? Do I just wait on her? I haven't been on any dates but I have changed my MySpace page from married to divorced. Some people see this as a major thing, some don't. And I got a few free accounts on a couple dating sites.

 

 

No one on this board can tell you that. You will have to wait it out and see for yourself. Do you want to be in a relationship with a woman that checks your cell phone records though your marriage is over? This is a little psycho to me and it is good that you are nipping it in the bud.

 

What she means or how she feels in my opinion does not count. It is how you feel and what you want that is most important. She needs theraphy.

[Simplycaroline]

Wow. You are really lost....

 

One destroyed man? LOL. That is hillarious!

 

Guess what? It WONT happen to me again cause I learned form it.

 

Anyway, these methods DO NOT work if someone has depression, mental illness, etc. That goes without saying.

 

But to me, this does not sound like the case with him.

 

Let me ask you this smart girl, what could it hurt for him to be more positive with her and listen to her? His pride gets bruised? His feelings get hurt again?

 

This to me is a small price to pay to get his relationship back on track.

 

And again, you didnt answer my question from earlier.... Are you his wife?

 

 

This will be the last post to you on this topic because you are living in a world of your own. I applaud you for learning things that have improved your relationship but you do realize that you are taking all of the responsiblity, blame and fault for the problems in your relationship and this is not healthy.

 

If your wife cheated once she can come up with some excuse to cheat again and make you feel guilty enough to question yourself again.

 

No I am not his wife but you do not know any more about his situation as anyone else on this board so what makes you MORE apt to give an opinion than I or anyone else. Your post REEK of being a know it all and not a very bright one. Just a foolish fanatic headed for more heartache not because it is definate that your wife will cheat again, but because in your desperation to stay married you decided to take full responsibility for something that is not all your responsibility. Worse you are suggesting that others do the same.

 

Now I am very tired of discussing this with you. My points are as valid as yours rather you believe that or not. Enjoy lalaland.

[husbndinthemaking]

This will be the last post to you on this topic because you are living in a world of your own. I applaud you for learning things that have improved your relationship but you do realize that you are taking all of the responsiblity, blame and fault for the problems in your relationship and this is not healthy.

 

If your wife cheated once she can come up with some excuse to cheat again and make you feel guilty enough to question yourself again.

 

No I am not his wife but you do not know any more about his situation as anyone else on this board so what makes you MORE apt to give an opinion than I or anyone else. Your post REEK of being a know it all and not a very bright one. Just a foolish fanatic headed for more heartache not because it is definate that your wife will cheat again, but because in your desperation to stay married you decided to take full responsibility for something that is not all your responsibility. Worse you are suggesting that others do the same.

 

Now I am very tired of discussing this with you. My points are as valid as yours rather you believe that or not. Enjoy lalaland.

 

 

The funny thing is this... Your negativity makes me laugh so hard it's not even funny! No wonder you are here trolling the boards.

 

If I was drinking milk right now, it would be coming out my nose! ROFL

 

I like you, you are hillarious! Keep em coming!!!

[Antax]

Hmm maybe you 2 should get your own thread?

[bish]

The funny thing is this... Your negativity makes me laugh so hard it's not even funny! No wonder you are here trolling the boards.

 

If I was drinking milk right now, it would be coming out my nose! ROFL

 

I like you, you are hillarious! Keep em coming!!!

 

thing is, I'd never come down on a BS. My sympathies will always lie with them.

 

But if someone wants to settle for a cheater, thats their decision.

[TrustInYourself]

Ok, would this be considered letting you know?

 

Step one, acceptance. Stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution.

 

Follow techniques to defuse her anger and contempt. Show support and love regardless of the situation. Accept what she wants and make it part of what you want. See things from her perspective and become part of her support structure.

 

Apply true love, which is unconditional. She wants freedom, grant it to her because you love her. Always take the high road and be the loving and supportive individual. I don't guarantee success, but many times if you show constant support for your wife and her dreams you will have the greatest chance of reconciliation.

 

This is not a quick fix. You can not guarantee anything in matters of the heart.

 

Also, continue to focus on your happiness and growing from the situation. Use this crisis to better yourself and to become a better person. Recognize your fault in the failure and do your best to grow and improve from your end. Some people choose to blame the other person in the marriage. Blaming your wife and demanding that she see things from your perspective or that she's wrong is not the right approach. Use mental judo. Go with the flow and always be supportive and happy for her. It's hard but after awhile it comes naturally.

 

That's all I have for now. Start applying those techniques. Keep in mind you'll make mistakes. So be patient.

 

Keep going out too. Don't allow her anger or jealousy to manipulate the situation. She has to understand that you have a right to be happy and to go out. If she wanted this separation she has to understand that you can go out for drinks and have a good time with others. See the positive in every situation.

 

I have the mindset and the perspective that you need to start applying. HITM is a master of techniques and methods. It's up to you on how you want to proceed.

 

I'll be around listening and offering support. Good luck.

[husbndinthemaking]

This will be the last post to you on this topic because you are living in a world of your own. I applaud you for learning things that have improved your relationship but you do realize that you are taking all of the responsiblity, blame and fault for the problems in your relationship and this is not healthy.

 

If your wife cheated once she can come up with some excuse to cheat again and make you feel guilty enough to question yourself again.

 

No I am not his wife but you do not know any more about his situation as anyone else on this board so what makes you MORE apt to give an opinion than I or anyone else. Your post REEK of being a know it all and not a very bright one. Just a foolish fanatic headed for more heartache not because it is definate that your wife will cheat again, but because in your desperation to stay married you decided to take full responsibility for something that is not all your responsibility. Worse you are suggesting that others do the same.

 

Now I am very tired of discussing this with you. My points are as valid as yours rather you believe that or not. Enjoy lalaland.

 

Ok. I'll answer these...

 

but you do realize that you are taking all of the responsiblity, blame and fault for the problems in your relationship and this is not healthy.

 

Do you want to know what is healthy? All of the great times my wife and I are having every single second we are together. (not to mention the amazing DAILY sex we have. Yes... DAILY) My daughter is happy, we are ALL happy now. Not healthy? The only thing NOT HEALTHY is your attitude. It is obvious you are EXTREMELY bitter right now and need to relax.

 

If your wife cheated once she can come up with some excuse to cheat again and make you feel guilty enough to question yourself again.

 

I laughed at this one... Seriously.

Question myself? There is no need to do that. I know I was wrong for ignoring her feelings and doing my own thing. I was selfish and never thought about how she felt as a person. I never listened to her, etc.

NOW I do. And as long as I treat her like my WIFE, she will not stray. I give her everything she wants now and will continue to do so because I love her.

 

you decided to take full responsibility for something that is not all your responsibility. Worse you are suggesting that others do the same.

 

What stake do you have in this? I am NOT trying to help you by any means. You troll these boards spitting out venom to people looking for help. Everything you say is negative. Do you think that will help them? Your bitterness disgusts me. How can you help people when you can't even help yourself??!?!

 

I am suggesting what has worked for many others. Do you think your methods work??? What is to stop this from happening to them again??? You honestly think that finding someone else is going to stop this from happening again??? WRONG.

 

How do I know??? Cause this is my SECOND marriage. Yes... Thats right. Number 2. The first marriage was the same exact situation. Another man came in a gave my wife what I did not. Attention, love, etc.

 

So, I read about it and learned from it this time around. The "7 year itch" is what happens to people that don't pay attention in their marriages. I thought that marriage was forever. Well, guess what? It's not. That is why 50% of marriages fail in the U.S.(thanks zaxxes!)

 

Now I am very tired of discussing this with you. My points are as valid as yours rather you believe that or not. Enjoy lalaland.

 

No please! Don't stop!!! I love that you are doing this. It makes my points even that more valid. Your bittereness is showing this forum that it is WRONG to be that way and nothing good comes form it. Keep it going!

[husbndinthemaking]

Step one, acceptance. Stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution.

 

Follow techniques to defuse her anger and contempt. Show support and love regardless of the situation. Accept what she wants and make it part of what you want. See things from her perspective and become part of her support structure.

 

Apply true love, which is unconditional. She wants freedom, grant it to her because you love her. Always take the high road and be the loving and supportive individual. I don't guarantee success, but many times if you show constant support for your wife and her dreams you will have the greatest chance of reconciliation.

 

This is not a quick fix. You can not guarantee anything in matters of the heart.

 

Also, continue to focus on your happiness and growing from the situation. Use this crisis to better yourself and to become a better person. Recognize your fault in the failure and do your best to grow and improve from your end. Some people choose to blame the other person in the marriage. Blaming your wife and demanding that she see things from your perspective or that she's wrong is not the right approach. Use mental judo. Go with the flow and always be supportive and happy for her. It's hard but after awhile it comes naturally.

 

That's all I have for now. Start applying those techniques. Keep in mind you'll make mistakes. So be patient.

 

Keep going out too. Don't allow her anger or jealousy to manipulate the situation. She has to understand that you have a right to be happy and to go out. If she wanted this separation she has to understand that you can go out for drinks and have a good time with others. See the positive in every situation.

 

I have the mindset and the perspective that you need to start applying. HITM is a master of techniques and methods. It's up to you on how you want to proceed.

 

I'll be around listening and offering support. Good luck.

 

I bow to you. /bow

 

Awesome advice Trust. As always.

[bish]

Step one, acceptance. Stop being part of the problem and start becoming part of the solution.

 

Yes, PART of the solution, not taking the full burden in fixing things.

 

 

Follow techniques to defuse her anger and contempt.

 

Her anger and contempt? Huh?? he is the one that should be angry here, not her.

 

 

Show support and love regardless of the situation.

 

So lets say she throws the affair in his face and says something like, "its your fault I boned another man", what kind of love should he show there other than cowering like a puppy dog and saying "I'm sorry for pushing you to another man"??

 

 

Accept what she wants and make it part of what you want. See things from her perspective and become part of her support structure.

 

 

Ok, and what is she to do? So far I see nothing that he should expect of her. She is the one that chose to cheat.

 

 

Apply true love, which is unconditional.

 

Unconditional? Wow...now there is a concept. With that logic she could bang whoever and he'd be expected to love her undconditionally.

 

 

She wants freedom, grant it to her because you love her.

 

Oh she wants her freedom alright if you know what I mean.

 

Yes, follow this advice...give her the freedom to spread 'em again...cuz afterall....he loves her.

 

 

Always take the high road and be the loving and supportive individual.

 

so while she can take the low road all she wants, he is suppose to support that?

 

While all this advice in theory is not bad...there is one little problem. This puts all the burden on him to become a whipped pup and so far have heard nada as far as her doing her part except get him to act the way she wants through emotional extortion.

 

 

That's all I have for now. Start applying those techniques. Keep in mind you'll make mistakes. So be patient.

 

Yes, he needs to be patient....with HER. SHE is the one that needs to carry a greater burden if they are to reconcile.

 

Otherwise you just taught me a very valuable lesson here. If someone I am involved with isn't acting EXACTLY the way I want them too, cheat on them and I can blackmail them into doing what I want.

[TrustInYourself]

Yes, PART of the solution, not taking the full burden in fixing things.

 

 

 

 

Her anger and contempt? Huh?? he is the one that should be angry here, not her.

 

 

 

 

So lets say she throws the affair in his face and says something like, "its your fault I boned another man", what kind of love should he show there other than cowering like a puppy dog and saying "I'm sorry for pushing you to another man"??

 

 

 

 

 

Ok, and what is she to do? So far I see nothing that he should expect of her. She is the one that chose to cheat.

 

 

 

 

Unconditional? Wow...now there is a concept. With that logic she could bang whoever and he'd be expected to love her undconditionally.

 

 

 

 

Oh she wants her freedom alright if you know what I mean.

 

Yes, follow this advice...give her the freedom to spread 'em again...cuz afterall....he loves her.

 

 

 

 

so while she can take the low road all she wants, he is suppose to support that?

 

While all this advice in theory is not bad...there is one little problem. This puts all the burden on him to become a whipped pup and so far have heard nada as far as her doing her part except get him to act the way she wants through emotional extortion.

 

 

 

 

Yes, he needs to be patient....with HER. SHE is the one that needs to carry a greater burden if they are to reconcile.

 

Otherwise you just taught me a very valuable lesson here. If someone I am involved with isn't acting EXACTLY the way I want them too, cheat on them and I can blackmail them into doing what I want.

 

You're right in many ways.

[bish]

You're right in many ways but that doesn't change the validity of my advice.

 

I'm not completely down on what you said. You had very valid advice.

 

Only problem was it was one sided and basically made him out to be the only one that has to lift a finger to fix the M.

 

The greater burden lies with her...she is the cheater, yet he is suppose to accomodate her???

 

With the long winded advice given, and again, there was validity, I would expect an equally long list, and longer, of the things he should expect HER to be doing.

 

But I didn't see that.

[TrustInYourself]

I'm not completely down on what you said. You had very valid advice.

 

Only problem was it was one sided and basically made him out to be the only one that has to lift a finger to fix the M.

 

The greater burden lies with her...she is the cheater, yet he is suppose to accomodate her???

 

With the long winded advice given, and again, there was validity, I would expect an equally long list, and longer, of the things he should expect HER to be doing.

 

But I didn't see that.

 

My advice is meant to do the greatest good. Is she posting here? I have some advice her as well, but for me to offer it to him would be worthless.

 

We can only affect change in ourselves, not our partners. Real change is self initiated. I could type about his wife's issues until I'm blue in the face, but the fact remains that Antax is here for advice. Not his wife.

 

Cheers. I personally appreciate differing points of view. Keeps me on my toes. I agree that this is a two person issue though. Right now, I only have one person to type advice to.

[Antax]

It is a said fact that in order for a person to love they must first receive love. And after they can love someone it is easier for a person to see how they did the other person wrong.

 

I post this not knowing if you are a religious person or not...

http://www.blueletterbible.org/cgi-bin/tools/printer-friendly.pl?book=Mat&chapter=5&version=NIV#43

 

Some people refer to the bible as a misguided book of fairy tales. Those people have never truly read and understood the bible. I used to be one of those people. The bible is a true guide to the way you should lead your life and receive life in its fullness. I have heard atheists says that the ten commandments is such a bad list of rules.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a preacher nor do I try to push this on others. But I have found a peace and serenity in it.