Does she really meen what she says?

[bish]

My advice is meant to do the greatest good. Is she posting here? I have some advice her as well, but for me to offer it to him would be worthless.

 

No, because he needs to know what to expect of her rather than thinking he is the only problem and only he needs to do anything in this situation.

 

 

We can only affect change in ourselves, not our partners.

 

Uh, but you just posted a long list of things that you said he could do to get her to change her attitude. If thats not trying to change your partner, I don't know what is.

 

But I'm not really wanting to argue that. Point is, there are things he can be told should be expected of a WS from a BS.

 

Things such as, as the cheater in the relationship, she needs to realize that he will have his bouts of anger here and there and she should understand that and not get frustrated.

 

you talked about her "freedom"....not that anyone should be controlled, but honestly, if she wants to make the M work too, and I'm not convinced by what is posted here that she is, then doing certain things that would cause him concern should be done.

 

For example....if she were to be one of these wives that goes out on "girls nights out" and messes around with other men in clubs, stuff like that, then if she would want to save the marriage, then that kind of behavior is unacceptable. I know this wasnt one of the things highlighted that she did, its just an example.

 

Another thing he needs to expect of her is to not act like this is his fault and put the blame for her cheating on him. She needs to show him that he is the only one that she wants. If she can't do that, then she needs a pink slip.

[bish]

It is a said fact that in order for a person to love they must first receive love. And after they can love someone it is easier for a person to see how they did the other person wrong.

 

I post this not knowing if you are a religious person or not...

http://www.blueletterbible.org/cgi-bin/tools/printer-friendly.pl?book=Mat&chapter=5&version=NIV#43

 

Some people refer to the bible as a misguided book of fairy tales. Those people have never truly read and understood the bible. I used to be one of those people. The bible is a true guide to the way you should lead your life and receive life in its fullness. I have heard atheists says that the ten commandments is such a bad list of rules.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a preacher nor do I try to push this on others. But I have found a peace and serenity in it.

 

I'm not religious and don't believe in something I have no proof of.

However, I believe that the bible is a good book and people that follow it do try to lead a good and decent life.

[husbndinthemaking]

It is a said fact that in order for a person to love they must first receive love. And after they can love someone it is easier for a person to see how they did the other person wrong.

 

I post this not knowing if you are a religious person or not...

http://www.blueletterbible.org/cgi-bin/tools/printer-friendly.pl?book=Mat&chapter=5&version=NIV#43

 

Some people refer to the bible as a misguided book of fairy tales. Those people have never truly read and understood the bible. I used to be one of those people. The bible is a true guide to the way you should lead your life and receive life in its fullness. I have heard atheists says that the ten commandments is such a bad list of rules.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a preacher nor do I try to push this on others. But I have found a peace and serenity in it.

 

 

I think that is "In order to truly love, you must learn to love yourself first."

or something like that.

[bish]

I think that is "In order to truly love, you must learn to love yourself first."

or something like that.

 

I like "in order to truly love, you need to not have sex with someone else.";)

[husbndinthemaking]

I like "in order to truly love, you need to not have sex with someone else.";)

 

ROFL

[Antax]

So I've read the posts and articles and plan A and Plan B thing. So what should my next move be? Do I just wait on her to call me? Should I ask her to go to MC with me? She has been pretty content on telling me shes not coming back but I also remember how angry she was when she said that. Last time it was when she pulled my cell phone records again and jumped my case cause I was texting another woman. (BTW: it was only 6 text messages about a job we had open, nothing more.)

 

She still wears a ring on her wedding finger. Last time I saw her it was just her engagement ring. I have seen her with the full wedding set on. I took my wedding band off a couple months ago. I had to, it gives me to much hope. I took down the last of the pictures of her last night. I've actually thought about some one out but something is telling me not to. The divorce wont be final till the end of Nov.

 

I can't help but feel like I'm running out of time here.

[husbndinthemaking]

So I've read the posts and articles and plan A and Plan B thing. So what should my next move be? Do I just wait on her to call me? Should I ask her to go to MC with me? She has been pretty content on telling me shes not coming back but I also remember how angry she was when she said that. Last time it was when she pulled my cell phone records again and jumped my case cause I was texting another woman. (BTW: it was only 6 text messages about a job we had open, nothing more.)

 

She still wears a ring on her wedding finger. Last time I saw her it was just her engagement ring. I have seen her with the full wedding set on. I took my wedding band off a couple months ago. I had to, it gives me to much hope. I took down the last of the pictures of her last night. I've actually thought about some one out but something is telling me not to. The divorce wont be final till the end of Nov.

 

I can't help but feel like I'm running out of time here.

 

You need to let go of that fear. It will just ruin you and your chances of getting your wife back.

 

Give her the time che requires. I am seeing that you really need to listen to her better. She is going to leave with your consent of not. So at this time, you have no control over her. So do not try and stop her.

 

Just listen and agree with her. Show her you care about her feelings. If you do not do this, you will lose her for good.

 

Also, do not look at this like "you are running out of time". I have hard of people getting back together even after a divorce. It is only over if you ignore her feelings. Be there for her and she will come back to you emotionally in time.

[Antax]

I just hope I haven't already messed things up to bad. I did some things in the beginning that I shouldn't have done. Like refusing to sign the papers.

 

She calls every now and then about little things. I just go along with whatever she has in mind. Maybe try to joke around a little if I can. Sometimes shes receptive, sometimes not. Things have been hard at work this week. We were told that a major part of our building was being laid off so the moral and atmosphere is really low around here. People are wondering how long they will have a job. kind of hard to keep a positive attitude in times like these.

[TrustInYourself]

Mind over matter. Start taking the right steps and the mistakes will disappear in time.

[Antax]

Its days like this when I really get discouraged. I went to pick up the kids at her dad's house (where she lives now). She tells me that she had changed some of the bank accounts around that we had talked about. Just something else to remind me that we're getting a divorce. Something to make it even more final.

 

We did have a couple small laughs but I still feel extremely discouraged at this point. I keep getting the feeling I'm wasting my time. I tried to act as happy as I could and be as positive as I possibly could and I think I did a pretty good job. I gave her a smile or two.

 

Somebody tell me something positive!

[imagine]

She has withdrawn. She has acted on that decision and is going through the motions. Do not expect her to suddenly change with a couple of good moments.

 

Keep investing in her emotional needs without pushing it. One sunny day the flower will blossom. Just don't forget to continue watering the plant.

 

How's the reading coming along with those articles at the marriage builders website?

[Antax]

I've read a few. I've started going through the Site Tour. I've also been listening a Cucan Pemos audio streams too. And read through some other threads on these forums and have a couple friends that I can talk to. Hehe, one of them is my Ws sister. They help me to keep a little hope and stay possitive. Trying to look at the bright side of things right now.

 

Sad thing is I'm kind of afraid to call or text another woman. Afraid I'll get bitched out again by my W if she finds out about it. Isn't that sad?

 

I guess my wife thinks I'm "Ok" with this now though since I just agree with whatever she says about going through with the divorce.

[Antax]

Well after all the cursing, threats and accusations I have gotten from her and absorbed them like a sponge. Well some of the like a sponge. The last one being a couple weeks ago. Today she calls me and starts asking me about her truck (she took it with her, its a 2004 Ford F350 Superduty Diesel and she knows nothing about mechanics) After I talk to her a minute or 2 she asks me if I can come take a look at it for her. So I go over tonight and look at and tell her she will probably need to take it back to the dealer to let them look at it. So we talk for a few minutes about the kids and such, she invites me in for dinner and I go in and eat. Then shes asking me about a gaming console she bought the kids for christmas. Does she need to buy anything else with it like controllers, games and such? So I give her my opinion on that. As I start to leave she asks me if maybe I can take the truck one day to the dealer and let them take a looked at. Well I do work near the dealer so it really wouldn't be a problem for me to take it up there and the dealer is 35 miles from where she will be. I agreed and thanked her for dinner and left.

 

After the long drawn out explanation, and I may have left out some minor details to shorten it up a little, heres the question: Is she looking at reconciling and not telling me or am I just being used? Mind you I'm not about to pay for anything on this truck. Its her truck so she pays for it and she knows it. But should I ask her if she willing to reconsile and if not tell her to get the truck fixed her own d**n self or would this be the considered unconditional love the TFY refered to?

[pelicanpreacher]

She is trying to tell you that she needs you in big bold letters ten feet high! Of course she knows that she could take the truck to the dealer on her own and of course she can find out what accessories may be useful for the gaming system she bought just by talking to the salesman who sold it to her but she came to you because she is trying to show you that you still have her heart in her own way. When posters say listen to your wife its not only with your ears but with your eyes, mind, body, and soul!

 

Next time she does this end the exchange with a sly shy smile. If she asks you what it is then say "nothing...I just had a good feeling is all"! Leave her waving goodbye with an exhuberant smile and let that seed set in.

[LostHusband]

She knows you will be there and will always help her out, so doesn't try to do this stuff on her own. She's taking advantage of you, and probably wants to prove to herself that she still has control over you. I get this crap from my STBXW all the time, it is NOT about reconciliation. If she wanted that she would just tell you instead of making you wonder about it.

[Antax]

That's kind of what I was thinking but I'm just not sure I can go through rejection for a 7th or 8th time. Every time I see her showing me any sort of promise that things might get better or she may call off the divorce she comes at me cursing me or accusing me of something again. I'm tired of all of it. I'm not sure I can take it again. I'm physically and emotionally drained. I'm not sure what I'll do if she comes at me like that again.

 

I watch my wife with all my heart and soul. That's why it took me 2 months to sign the divorce papers. I watched her and I couldn't see that she wanted a divorce. But she got it in her head that she was getting one and there was no stopping her. I know she hurts. When she hurts, I hurt. But there's nothing I could do to help her. She had to help herself. The problem is when she hurts she blames me for the hurt and takes it all out on me. Like its my fault shes unhappy. Like its my fault her mom died. All she has kept saying for the last 8 months is "life is to short to be this unhappy". I guess some call it co-dependency.

 

I often told her that knew her better than she new herself. The only problem is this person shes become isn't my wife. I haven't seen my wife since her mom died 2 years ago. I don't know who this woman is or what she's capable of. Maybe she is capable of using me just to get whatever she wants. She probably knows I would just get it for her but I'm not sure she knows how close I am of giving up.

 

I hope your right preacher.

[pelicanpreacher]

Antax has a mouth too. Antax you should ask your wife if she still wants a deep and lasting connection with you. If yes, then ask her if she's will to meet you halfway to build this connection together. Hold off on asking if she loves you or wants to reconcile the marriage for her heart might not be there yet. Begin slowly in your reconnection if that is what she wants and pick up speed when you see signs that the time is right to do so.

[TrustInYourself]

Well after all the cursing, threats and accusations I have gotten from her and absorbed them like a sponge. Well some of the like a sponge. The last one being a couple weeks ago. Today she calls me and starts asking me about her truck (she took it with her, its a 2004 Ford F350 Superduty Diesel and she knows nothing about mechanics) After I talk to her a minute or 2 she asks me if I can come take a look at it for her. So I go over tonight and look at and tell her she will probably need to take it back to the dealer to let them look at it. So we talk for a few minutes about the kids and such, she invites me in for dinner and I go in and eat. Then shes asking me about a gaming console she bought the kids for christmas. Does she need to buy anything else with it like controllers, games and such? So I give her my opinion on that. As I start to leave she asks me if maybe I can take the truck one day to the dealer and let them take a looked at. Well I do work near the dealer so it really wouldn't be a problem for me to take it up there and the dealer is 35 miles from where she will be. I agreed and thanked her for dinner and left.

 

After the long drawn out explanation, and I may have left out some minor details to shorten it up a little, heres the question: Is she looking at reconciling and not telling me or am I just being used? Mind you I'm not about to pay for anything on this truck. Its her truck so she pays for it and she knows it. But should I ask her if she willing to reconsile and if not tell her to get the truck fixed her own d**n self or would this be the considered unconditional love the TFY refered to?

 

Relax. Right now you can't expect everything to change overnight. Consistency in your reactions and care is key to rebuilding any sort of relationship with your wife. Even if it's just a friendship, you shouldn't expect or demand anything. Let it come to you. Let her come to you. Just be there if you wish. It's hard, but if you truly love her, there's going to be some self sacrifice.

 

I'm reading your recent post here as well. It sounds like she's dealing with mild depression and she is redirecting some of her grief and anger towards you. Let her know you are there if she wants to talk and always will be there.

 

From your end, focus on improving yourself. Focus on your life and making the most of the situation. Live life to the fullest and your wife will see you as a shining beacon of love and hope, rather than the cause of all her pain and sorrow. I hope you feel better.

[Antax]

Believe me. I'm trying. I wonder what shes doing. I wonder who shes going out with. I know I should try to think of something else and I'm trying. I think of how she probably is using me. I think back at some of the times before and shes probably been using for the past 4 years. Sometimes I wonder if I really would even want her back after all the hell shes put me through. I still love her. I cant help it. I would like to call her girl friend up and tell her to mind her own damn business and ask her what gives her the right to tell my wife the things shes telling her. Things like "I was never there for my wife". At least that's my W told me she said. But then again shes lied about everything else going on with her. I guess my W has probably sat around and told her how horrible I've been to her for the last 15 years. Oh well her husband gets back from Iraq in Nov, for good. We'll see how much they go out and party together then.

 

How do I get this woman out of my head? I go home to the house that I designed and built just for her and shes all in it. There's no escaping. I could paint the walls but that wouldn't help. Shes all in the architecture of the house, the fireplace, the cabinets, everywhere. I'd have tear the whole house down. I do pretty good for a few days. Then out of no were it comes back again. Like yesterday and today.

 

Any one want to comment on my situation please feel free.

[Al_Bundy]

You need to let go of that fear. It will just ruin you and your chances of getting your wife back.

 

Give her the time che requires. I am seeing that you really need to listen to her better. She is going to leave with your consent of not. So at this time, you have no control over her. So do not try and stop her.

 

Just listen and agree with her. Show her you care about her feelings. If you do not do this, you will lose her for good.

 

So he is to do all of this cowtowing to her. What is her responsibility in fixing her cheating ways? Or is she just to reap the benefits of cheating by basically blackmailing him into acting the way she wants?

 

So far all you do is put the burden on him. She is the one that cheated.

[Al_Bundy]

I just hope I haven't already messed things up to bad.

 

Now why on earth would you think that? SHE is the one that cheated.

 

Sounds like she has really gaslighted you big time.

[n9688m]

So he is to do all of this cowtowing to her. What is her responsibility in fixing her cheating ways? Or is she just to reap the benefits of cheating by basically blackmailing him into acting the way she wants?

 

And this facilitates her revisionist history - she can justify the affair by changing her view of past events.

 

No dice. She had an obligation to work on marriage issues before the affair and/or get out of the marriage before the affair.

[Al_Bundy]

And this facilitates her revisionist history - she can justify the affair by changing her view of past events.

 

No dice. She had an obligation to work on marriage issues before the affair and/or get out of the marriage before the affair.

 

And after the affair, she doesn't act like someone who wants the marriage and isn't willing to work on it. She wants him to do all the work while she rakes in the benefits of her demands.

 

Antax, I hate to say it, but you are letting her gaslight you and blackmail you into acting the way she wants.

 

I understand you want to keep her, god only knows why, but you do nonetheless.

 

But that doesn't mean you should act like a whipped puppy and jump as high as you can to appease her. Again, she cheated, the greater burden to fix things lies with her. You both need to work on it, but so far it sounds as if she is doing nothing and you are busting your butt out of desperation to win back a cheating wife.

 

She is learning a very valuable lesson. And that is she has you wrapped around her little finger. Is a life of doing what she demands and keeping you in check out of fear that she might cheat again worth it? I can tell you, its not. No matter how gorgeous a woman is, or how good in bed they are, living a life of a slave is no life.

[Antax]

Thanks for all the input. And your right. All of you are. Every person that has commented on this thread is absolutely correct. I don't why I want my wife back but I do. Am I going to jump every time she says to? No. Am I willing to just take her back after everything shes put me through? Not without some major changes in her. I am willing to be the first one to change but unless I see a change in her that can never be another us. Like I said I don't know who this woman is. She is not the woman she was 2 years ago. I keep holding on to that. That there is something wrong with my W. Some day she will realize how good I was to her and how much better I can be. Will I be there to take her back? I can't answer that. Maybe, Maybe not. Only time will tell.

 

Any more comments?

[n9688m]

Any more comments?

 

I think the comment that she is not the woman you thought is spot-on.

 

Honestly when this all started for me I asked her doctors if they thought there was any chance of some sort of medical condition causing her abberent behavior - it was that out of character for her.

 

When it got to the legal stage, my lawyer started to make a running joke that every time I said "She would never do that" - well, she did in fact do that (in reference to all sorts of lies and selfish acts).

 

I think this explains why at first I hoped for reconciliation - maybe the same is true for you. Objectively looking at what she has done, it has been incredibly dishonest and deceitful. But it was really hard for me to see that objectively - I was stuck instead thinking about the incredibly moral, caring, never-selfish woman I knew for 16 years. I just couldn't get myself to accept that she either changed or was never what I thought she was.