Should I postpone or cancel the wedding?

[lexi29]

I am freaking out! Two weeks until I'm supposed to get married and I just don't know what to do! I've already postponed the wedding for a month and my fiance is dead-set against doing it again. He knows he wants this more than I do but I am just so afraid of cancelling it. I'm afraid I will be making a mistake. I do love him and his son, I just don't know if this will work out. We've never lived together (my idea) and I've never done that with someone I'm dating. We have no idea where we will live after we are married. I can't permenantly move into his apartment as there is no room for my stuff. And we want to move out of there anyway. We don't even know which state we will be living in. We both want to live closer to where I work but have to get permission from the court to do so. The court hearing is a week AFTER we get married. We just found this out. I want to wait till after the court's decision to get married, my fiance doesn't want to change things again. The vendors were pretty understanding the first time, but a 2nd time, I doubt they will be.

 

My fiance put so much effort into planning this wedding but I feel like he is just like "let's see what happens" when it comes to AFTER the wedding. We don't even know if we can find day care for his son if we move (his parents watch him right now). My fiance wants to find a new job after we move (been at his current for four years) because it will be a farther drive for him to work. So right after getting married we are going to be stressed with 2) his son getting used to living with both of us and sleeping in his own room) b) finding a place to live c) my fiance trying to find a new job d) my pets getting used to a new home (they have lived with me in the place i live now since they were all kittens)

 

 

I don't feel close to my fiance at the moment. I feel detached and angry. Last night I went over to see him and he wasn't very nice. He was moody and kept accusing me of things. I told him my fears about getting married (one is that he will think he can suddenly change things after we are married as in going to strip clubs with his friends or out to bars) and my feelings on that aren't going to change. He got mad and told me that was a stupid question and that he knows that won't change and that he's "not allowed to do anything but go to work and come home now" and he knows that if he wants to be with me thats the way it has to be. We ended up arguing and he was just so rude that I got up and left. Told him no one will ever talk to me that way (he raised his voice and said something along the lines of that I kept asking stupid questions and he thought I was smarter than that but guess not") and I left without saying goodbye. Something else that might have made him irritated is he told me that his coworker told him that this girl I graduated with (and who we both know but aren't friends with) wants to attend our wedding. I thought about it and told my fiance, no we already invited enough people. Plus this girl hasn't talked to either of us in YEARS!

She used to date one of his brothers probably 15 years ago. The reason I don't want her there is that she also had an affair with his other brother who is now married, when he was engaged to his wife. My fiance says his brother's wife probably doesn't know about the affair but I'm not taking any chances of there being an drama.

 

I was so mad, I could have packed all my stuff and broke up with him. Stupid me, though calmed down during the half hour drive home and called him (as is routine) when I arrived to let him know I got home safely. I should have waited to see if he called me first. He didn't appologize, just acted like everything was fine and said "you left without even saying goodbye" We talked normally and he tried to assure me that everything will be fine after we are married.

 

I am just so confused as to why this guy who was so organized and a perfectionist at planning this wedding, is just sitting back with such a lax attitude about planning our life AFTER we get married. he says I can just spend the night at his apartment if I want to until the court hearing and until we find a place.

 

Last week I spoke with the reverend who is supposed to marry us. I told him my fears (about the past and our living situation) and he said we need more counseling. My fiance does NOT want to go but is going because he thinks this is the only way the reverend will marry us. I am hoping the reverend will talk some sense into him or just refuse to perform the ceremony all together. But I'm not sure he will because he told us he won't marry anyone who is living together (in sin, aparently) (we dn't live tgther) but then the day I talked to him he mentioned he won't marry anyone who has had sex before marriage. He didn't ask us if we do but duh, I think pretty much everyone has sex before marriage and my fiance has a 9 year old so the reverend knows he's not a virgin! Also during our counseling and taking a compatibility test one section covered sexual needs and behavior and we listed this section as one of our strengths when asked. So he HAS to know we sleep together.

 

I don't know what to do. I know canceling the wedding means breaking up with him all together because he will accept no less. I feel horrible and stuck and I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I cancel, I will be making a mistake. I mean I read all the stories on here about women (or men rarely) who want to marry their partners and their guys just aren't ready or keep leading them on. And this happened to me with my ex too! And now I have this guy and his wonderful son who wants to marry me!! He is crazy about me and has done 80% of planning the wedding and he is so excited about marrying me. I should feel lucky. But I'm just scared. But I'm also afraid if I let this chance slip by I'll never be married or be a step mom.

[lexi29]

Your fiance is acting child~like by allowing a 9 year old child to dictate what will happen for everyone.

 

I * get * that its stressfull to be apart from his biological mom. I understand its hard for a young kid .

 

But if * nobody * is being the adult here then how do you construct a family ? I know you gave in because you needed some sleep. Ding ! Kid wins again ! Ding !

 

Kid needs to have a strong father figure who tells him the way its going to be for a 9 year old. Last time I checked thats a 3rd grader ?

 

Who's in charge here ???

 

 

I agree. I shouldn't have given in. However I was only the "girfriend" at the time and didn't want to over step my bounds. And basically I come off as the 'bad guy' to his son because if I sleep over he gets kicked out of daddy's bed. So of course he doesn't normally want me to sleep over (but sometimes still he asks me to)

[Nevermind]

Oh my. Calm down. Reading your post is painful. Your panic is way way way too much. Calm down. Take a breath.

 

Now for the harsh truth.

 

You have gotten tons of advice over the course of a year, tons of people listened to you, suggested things, pleaded you to cancel the wedding in a decent amount of time before it was supposed to happen.

 

As far as I can see, you didn't follow through with any of this. You didn't even bother reading this forum, after you had another panic break did you? (Your late answer to Mary suggests this.)

 

And yet there is another panic attack and here you go again. What do you expect? Nobody is going to go to your place and make the decisions for you. That is your job.

 

Many brides are nervous. You have reasons to be nervous. But your incapability of resolving the issues (both you and the man) and not freaking about them tells me that you're not ready to get married any time soon. And frankly, I think that this relationship has seen enough drama.

 

But you know what? I don't know if that's true. You know. So, maybe, just maybe, don't just vent your panic to a forum of strangers but take a deep breath, take a day off and think about what you want from life and if it is compatible with what you're getting into right now.

 

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. It's not meant to hurt you, but to wake you up.

[Mary3]

Marraige is * supposed * to be for life. Think , think about what marraige entails ?

 

How are you supposed to fix it AFTER all is said and done ? Are you afraid to cancel the wedding preps ? All the stuff you paid for , and put into ?

 

It is NOT okay to marry when you are unsure !

 

After all is said and done , the child will still create the problems he is creating now. You will still have space problems. You will still have pet problems. You will still have * he doesn't understand me problems "

 

How does marraige change all that ? It DOESN'T !

 

Please don't marry until you resolve all things.

 

Imagine being legally bound and miserable ?

 

Is that what you want .

 

I personally ( despite what finace says ) STOP this wedding !

[whichwayisup]

Lexi, if you marry him, it'll be the biggest mistake of your life.

 

You have SO MANY issues to work through and that doesn't include your fiance. You two have issues as well, he's just good at burying them and hoping they'll go away in time, once the marriage takes place. Problem is, ALL these doubts and scary feelings you're having, the panic attacks, worries - WILL get worse once you're married.

 

DO NOT MARRY HIM. It's better to hurt him now, than later. It's better for YOU to get out now and hurt now than later.

 

It is obvious that you love him, but what you two share is unhealthy, and there are many problems that have never been solved.

[Mary3]

If its just a sentimental thing why not just have spiritual vows where you both go to a lovely spot and say your own vows and words ?

 

Then later , if you guys can work all this out , go ahead and get married but HONESTLY from what I see , its not a very good idea...

 

I really don't know the core of the problem but if you are writing here about this man and having doubts and asking us ( which we love to help you by the way ) but really if you are on here expressing doubts , should that alone raise enough red flags ?

[lexi29]

I am struggling with this because I feel I am being forced into this (but I'm not). I love my fiance and his son very much. We do have problems and don't see eye to eye on some things. But I am just totally freaking out because I do NOT want to get married in a week. I thought I would be ok when the time came but the feeling just gets worse. We went to pre maritial counseling, we have discussed our issues. I should WANT to marry my fiance- just last night he told me he wants to marry me and is very excited because he loves me, his son adores me, he wants to be a family with me and he can't imagine being with anyone else other than me. He said that I worry too much and that everything will work itself out.

 

The strange thing is I'm not afraid he's going to leave me anymore (my biggest fear since our break up) I've somehow magically gotten over that fear. My biggest fear is now replaced with the terror of getting married. Don't get me wrong, I do want to get married. Just not right NOW. I'm terrified that we'll get married, go to this custody hearing and find out that we can't move. Honestly, if that happens I think I would hate it because we will have to start all over looking for a place to live.

 

Also one issue is really bugging me. My fiance is understandably upset because he knows I am not sure I can go through with this. He wants me to hurry up and make up my mind if we are getting married or not. I know the uncertainty is irritating him. He feels unwanted. I want to get married ONLY because I dont' want to lose him. I know if I cancel or postpone the wedding ( a 2nd time) he will probably leave me or I will mean less to him because he will be so angry. My parents will be upset, his parents will be upset etc. However on monday when i went over to see him, we got into an argument. He wanted to know why I am hesitant (I've told him before) and I told him again because nothing is figured out (where we will live etc) I also mentioned that I wondered if he thinks certain things will change after we get married. One of the things I brought up is that I do not approve of him going to strip clubs with friends (his friends go quite often) (he knows this) and that once we are married I will not change my mind. I asked if he thought this would be an issue and he flipped out on me and yelled at me that I was asking stupid questions. I was upset with the way he was speaking to me so I just got up and left.

 

I expected him to appologize and to this day he has not done so. He says he did not do anything wrong (yelling at me and telling me it was a stupid question) and that I should know the answer already (that he's not going to go to strip clubs whether we are married or not) and that I need to stop harping on it. He doesn't see how yelling at me is treating me badly. He said I caused him to yell at me. I absolutely HATE guys who blame others for their reactions!! (My ex was like this as well) He won't take ANY responsibility for this. I mean I was so upset I left. Just walked out without saying goodbye to him or his son. I've never done that before. So he KNEW that he hurt or upset me.

 

Also he refuses to postpone the wedding (which I kind of understand because he is the one paying for most of it and we've already rescheduled once and to do so again would be quite a feat) So its like everything has to be HIS way.

 

He also announced to me yesterday that his landlord will probably have to wait a week before getting the rent because he has to buy alcohol for the wedding (he already ordered it). Now his landlord is this guy in his 70's a really nice guy. His disabled adult daughter lives above my fiance's apartment. He gives his daughter the rent money for food every month. My fiance's rent has never been late before. but to just assume it is ok because he has things he considers more important to buy and not even ask the landlord if paying the rent late is ok, but just assuming he'll have to deal with it is rude and irresponsible. I told him his priorities are not in the right order and that he should understand why I am so afraid of what we are going to do after the wedding! I mean the landlord is kind of our friend- we invited him and his wife to the wedding. So we are on good terms. He is letting my fiance out of the lease early because we want to move. He's a nice guy. But my fiance just expecting him to accomodate him so he can buy stuff for the wedding is ridiculous! and my fiance even told me "well the wedding is more important" More important than the place you live??

 

I am trying to think of how to salvage this. I do not want to be legally married to him at this point! I am thinking maybe we could still have the reception (just no wedding party etc) and tell people we got married at the courthouse. And then once everything is figured out (where we are going to live etc) we could actually go to the courthouse and get married. I have no idea!

[Geishawhelk]

PLease, please please, stop this NOW!!!

 

All these ifs, buts, maybes, objections, rudeness, inconsiderate behaviour, taking for granted....

 

Red Flag, Red Flag, Red Flag!!!!!

 

Oh my word!!

I know it takes courage, believe me, I do know!

 

But JUST SAY N-O - !!

[StartingOver07]

Lexi, don't do it.

Please don't do it.

You will regret it forever.

The feelings you are having are your gut telling you not to do it. Listen. trust in yourself and listen.

 

I could give you all the reasons why you should not get married but you already know. Listen.

[2sunny]

sheez, lexi - do you even read the posts here? people are trying to help you and you don't even acknowledge that they posted with help.

 

same action will always get you the same result... your post always looks like repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

[whichwayisup]

But I am just totally freaking out because I do NOT want to get married in a week.

 

TELL HIM THIS. Tell him you are NOT ready to settle down and marry him - HE knows this but in all honesty, I think HE IS in denial here. How can he NOT see the red flags smacking him in the face?

 

If you go ahead with this, you're gonna bolt either just before the wedding starts, or you're going to run away from him once face to face and about to say I DO.

 

STOP worrying so much about what everyone else will think. STOP worrying about the money, about how he is going to feel. Start worrying about YOU! Talk to him and tell him that if you two married, you'll end up divorced within the first year.

[carhill]

OP, take it from someone who's been married awhile. The document is a legal thing. It only attains importance when issues arise that require or benefit from that legal thing. Just as a couple who divorces doesn't have to stay apart, a couple doesn't have to be married to be together. There are a lot of responsibilities which go along with that legal thing, so be really, really sure and confident when you make that choice. I was, at the time I married, very confident in my choice, which was why I got married. I'm not hearing that from you. The answers lie within yourself. I wish you wisdom on your journey

[laRubiaBonita]

sheez, lexi - do you even read the posts here? people are trying to help you and you don't even acknowledge that they posted with help.

 

same action will always get you the same result... your post always looks like repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat.

 

maybe she should get married then.... maybe it will work out just fine.... is that what you want to hear lexi?

 

you think planning a wedding is a lot of work? just wait, filing for divorce will be worse, plus then you will have this joint stuff you will have to fight petty over.....

not to mention how much more embarrassing it will be to get a divorce, when the wedding and expense could have been saved if you had just called it off. i get pissed when couple get divorced soon after a marriage... it's like they got hitched just for gifts and money.

 

then not only will you be anoth single 30 yr. old, you will be a divorcee..... tainted! (not really, but some people think that)

 

then your poor kitties, again will have to be relocated in your new house, after the split.

 

you are right, lexi- it will just tbe sooo much easier to go through the motions so as not to piss off your soon to be husband... why rock the boat at the start of your new life together?

[2sunny]

maybe she should get married then.... maybe it will work out just fine.... is that what you want to hear lexi?

 

you think planning a wedding is a lot of work? just wait, filing for divorce will be worse, plus then you will have this joint stuff you will have to fight petty over.....

not to mention how much more embarrassing it will be to get a divorce, when the wedding and expense could have been saved if you had just called it off. i get pissed when couple get divorced soon after a marriage... it's like they got hitched just for gifts and money.

 

then not only will you be anoth single 30 yr. old, you will be a divorcee..... tainted! (not really, but some people think that)

 

then your poor kitties, again will have to be relocated in your new house, after the split.

 

you are right, lexi- it will just tbe sooo much easier to go through the motions so as not to piss off your soon to be husband... why rock the boat at the start of your new life together?

 

la rubia! nice to see you! missed your sarcasm for the past while. it hits the mark perfectly for lexi - i must say.

[laRubiaBonita]

la rubia! nice to see you! missed your sarcasm for the past while. it hits the mark perfectly for lexi - i must say.

 

thanks sunny! i have been in lurk mode for months..... but i am aware of all that goes down on LS.... bwaaaaahhhhhaaaahhhhaaaaa

[lexi29]

THank you everyone, I know you are all right. I just don't understand why my fiance won't wait. He said me not being sure or this upcoming relocation hearing is not a good reason to postpone the wedding but if the minister refuses to marry us (something that might actually happen because I expressed my concerns to him a few weeks ago) then there is nothing we can do and we will have to postpone the wedding. So basically my feelings mean nothing but if the minister feels it isn't right then that is a legit reason and we'll have to accept it.

 

I truly don't want to hurt him or his son. I do want to be with him but i need more time to decide if we can make this work. We are going to see the minister on sunday and I'm going to tell him all of my fears again and pray that he refuses to go ahead with the ceremony. I know thats the coward's way out but I don't want him to hate me, his family to hate me and my family to be very upset.

[Kasan]

So what is the plan if the minister doesn't make the decision for you? You need to find your voice, step up and make your own decision concerning this marriage.

 

It sounds like you have a victim mentality. "I couldn't get married because the minister said no."

 

I wish you all the best, it will all work out..........really it will.

[Nevermind]

I truly don't want to hurt him or his son. I do want to be with him but i need more time to decide if we can make this work. We are going to see the minister on sunday and I'm going to tell him all of my fears again and pray that he refuses to go ahead with the ceremony. I know thats the coward's way out but I don't want him to hate me, his family to hate me and my family to be very upset.

Do you honestly think that your soon-to-be-ex-fiancé will think to himself "oh, well it was the minister. It wasn't lexi's fault at all."?

 

He will be angry. But this isn't about him. It's about you. You don't want this. So end it. Why are you so afraid of everybody? Get over it. It's about your happiness, your life, your whole world. You can't just give all this away to save yourself from embarassment.

 

I am trying to think of how to salvage this. I do not want to be legally married to him at this point! I am thinking maybe we could still have the reception (just no wedding party etc) and tell people we got married at the courthouse. And then once everything is figured out (where we are going to live etc) we could actually go to the courthouse and get married. I have no idea!

This is the worst case scenario. Never even think about it again.

[Mary3]

THank you everyone, I know you are all right. I just don't understand why my fiance won't wait. He said me not being sure or this upcoming relocation hearing is not a good reason to postpone the wedding but if the minister refuses to marry us (something that might actually happen because I expressed my concerns to him a few weeks ago) then there is nothing we can do and we will have to postpone the wedding. So basically my feelings mean nothing but if the minister feels it isn't right then that is a legit reason and we'll have to accept it.

 

I truly don't want to hurt him or his son. I do want to be with him but i need more time to decide if we can make this work. We are going to see the minister on sunday and I'm going to tell him all of my fears again and pray that he refuses to go ahead with the ceremony. I know thats the coward's way out but I don't want him to hate me, his family to hate me and my family to be very upset.

 

But your Minister won't BE there when you go day to day married to this man that you obviously don't want / aren't ready to marry !

 

I would rely on your SELF. Your GUT ! What is it trying to SAY to you. Its clearly saying NO !

 

How long do you give this marraige once you walk down the ailse ?

[whichwayisup]

He said me not being sure or this upcoming relocation hearing is not a good reason to postpone the wedding but if the minister refuses to marry us (something that might actually happen because I expressed my concerns to him a few weeks ago) then there is nothing we can do and we will have to postpone the wedding.

 

Why isn't he listening to you? So, he won't marry you, he'll postpone the wedding ONLY IF the minister says he believes you're not ready? Hello! Something is very wrong if he, your future husband, refuses to 'hear' and 'see' what you're telling him.

 

If you go through with this, you're going to regret it.

 

Please do an update soon Lexi.

[lexi29]

Why isn't he listening to you? So, he won't marry you, he'll postpone the wedding ONLY IF the minister says he believes you're not ready? Hello! Something is very wrong if he, your future husband, refuses to 'hear' and 'see' what you're telling him.

 

If you go through with this, you're going to regret it.

 

Please do an update soon Lexi.

 

 

Well I postponed the wedding. Did it on friday. I found out my dad has to have sugery on the day before the wedding was supposed to take place. So my parents wouldn't be there. My fiance was upset but he had no other choice. He had told all his friends and family that if I called the wedding off he would end things. But he didn't. I was ready for him to though. I'm upset because he is blaming this on me. Saying "you got what you wanted". No, I don't want my dad to be sick and needing surgery. He is also resentful and telling me "you always get your way, I don't know why I always give into you". I felt so guilty all weekend because I ruined a lot of people's plans. I mean my fiance spent about $2000 and he's going to lose most of that. I suggested we have a party instead so we could use the caterer, reception hall, etc and just tell people not to bring any gifts. But my family wouldn't be there and I figured his family would be upset with me so I wouldnt' really want to attend the party anyway.

 

My fiance agreed that it would be awkward so we just cancelled everything. We've decided if we get married we will just go to the courthouse. We are still engaged and waiting for the outcome of his relocation hearing in two weeks. I'm relieved that the wedding is off but honestly I'm not even sure I want to stay together. I do love him and his son but his actions lately have been very self centered and I can't believe he's upset at ME because my dad has to have surgery. Its like he doesn't even care. Just feels like my family problems are ruining his perfect wedding he had planned. Bad thing is we rented a house together (not living there yet) so we have a lease and if we split up who knows if the landlord will let us out of the lease. I don't know why I went ahead with the house. I'm just afraid to lose him and his son because I am very close to them.

 

I am trying to see both sides here- I know my fiance is upset because he spent all this money (though even after I told him I wanted to cancel it he went that same day and ordered the alcohol for the reception so thats his loss to eat) and we spent a lot of time planning everything and I know he was very excited about it. Plus it is embarassing to have to tell our friends and families we called it off for now. He has to reimburse his groomsmen for their tuxes (I am helping out with that) and his parents spent money for a wedding gift and clothing for the wedding and I feel terrible about that.

 

But we are even arguing over the house we rented. My fiance wants me to ask the landlord if we can set up a pool and his son's trampoline and if we can have bonfires. I don't want to ask her this because those things are probably all a nightmare for a landlord (insurance reasons) and I think most people have enough common sense to know that those things wouldnt' be allowed at a rental. Well my fiance gets all bent out of shape and is like "well what do you expect (his son) to do all summer and not use his trampoline or pool!" Even though his son hasn't been able to use either one in over a year (ever since he moved to an apartment) In the first apartment they lived in there was NO yard for his son to play in, Just the street. In the apartment he's in now, it is close enough to walk to the park but there really isn't much of a yard for him to play in. And because its in town no pools are allowed. The house we are renting is in the country so I can see why he would think we might be allowed to have those things but no landlord is going to want the liability on their property. And I dont want to appear to be bad tenants by asking her.

 

So my side is that I'm relieved I dont' have to get married right now but I'm irritated that he could basically care less that my dad is having surgery and he isn't giving me a hard time about the cancelation but he is saying that " you always get what you want" and that I'm not thinking of HIS feelings. Like the world revolves around him and his wants and needs and screw everyone else. If it were up to him we'd still get married without my parents at the wedding.

[2sunny]

he knows that the underlying issue isn't your Dad's surgery... and he knows you're using this as a cover - that is what is making him upset. you aren't telling the truth when given the chance.

 

also, why did you rent a house? cancel it! there is no reason to live with him if you are still reluctant for the long term. especially when you don't yet know the outcome of the court date and the pending results. the order of things isn't logical to me. i would feel frustrated too!

 

the issue with the landlord... tell him to ask HIMSELF! why does he always ask (or demand) that you handle all the crap stuff? especially when it comes to his son and his happiness/well being.

 

oh let's get lexi to do that - she'll do it (i want to avoid any confrontation or controversy so i'll dump it on lexi). see that?

 

he's done that to you on a weekly basis. put the crap stuff back on him... he's a big boy acting like a baby.

 

the lost money... who cares? it's just money... you can make more later. some things are worth it, putting this on the back burner is the right thing for now. not being honest for the reasons why (blaming your Dad's surgery) is not good. hime blaming you that you always get your way is childish and a way of avoiding the issues that need work.

 

it will never get better if you both don't work on the issues you have. you would essentially be marrying two spoiled little boys that want to dump on you and then blame you for not wanting to make everything all better. why does he think he can walk all over you? is this what your dream marriage looks like? i'd prefer to be on my own without all these complications myself... now THAT would be happy.

 

set your boundaries and stick to them!

[Mary3]

Please , please, SEE this as an indicator ( his behavior ) that what he is acting like NOW is what you will get LATER.

 

What you get now , the sulking , the crap , the whining about not having a great wedding , the resentment he feels ,,,on and on ,.,.this is who he IS . Meaning what you got this week, you are going to get later , next month or next year, MARRIED !

 

Please take this opportunity to go out of town for a little while , ( if you can afford it ) and have some YOU time.

 

I know you seem dependant upon this man and his child for your own happiness. But the TRUTH is, you need to be happy within yourself , so you can be alone , get strong and find the RIGHT man later down the road who you don't feel like is pressuring you with your hairs falling out.

 

Please take this mans behavior as a SIGN for FUTURE behavior.

 

You are LUCKY he is revealing all this to you !

 

RUN !

[whichwayisup]

It seems to me that your lives don't mesh well together and just because the love is there, doesn't mean you two should be together. I hope that makes sense to you Lexi.

 

There are SO MANY issues between you two and I suggest you go back and read ALL your threads from the day you joined LS.