Insecure girlfriend cheated on me twice...

[LostOnLI]

Hello All,

I am hurt, and sad and just looking for some advice here. The background info may be a bit extensive, but I think its important here. So here is our story.

We met about 4 years ago. At the time the relationship was supposed to be a "friends with benefits" situation. However one day the girl told me she loved me. You hear that a lot these days so I took it for granted, and continued seeing other ppl. It was not until I saw her reaction when she found out about the "other girl" that made me think. I cut contact with the other girl, and just remained exclusive. There was a period of insecurity there, where she would request to see my phone etc etc, but it seemed like we got over that. Things started to look good after about 2 years. Then she asked to move in together. When we met I was out of college and still at my parents house. I declined, yet she would ask every few months. I explained to her that I wanted to stand on my two feet before I move in with someone else. Soon after I got my own apartment. Two months later, she lost her lease, and asked if she could stay with me for a couple of weeks until she finds a place of her own. I agreed, and few weeks turned into months. Three months into her stay here, things were just not the same. She got distant and cold. I think I did too in some ways as she was taking advantage of the stay. My attempts to go out were met with "im tired" She started reading her love novels all over again. After my landlord started making an issue out of 2 ppl in a single apartment, we sat down, talked about her finding a place. I also tried to reassure her that plenty of couples have good relationships and do not live together. She was not happy. She claimed that she should be able to live with the man that she loves and not have to look for a place of her own. She soon got a place, but rarely stayed there. After she moved out, she got even more distant. She stopped calling, I felt like I was pursuing her. When I addressed the issue she said that the constant "rejection" put a toll on her and she does not feel the same way about me. I asked her to come over to my place one day, greeted her with flowers, reassured her that I do love her, want to be with her, etc. She claimed that it was driven by her moving away, but agreed to try.

During that time she had her own place, but rarely stayed there. She would come here on the weekends and days off and spend the rest of time at her mom's. Things were starting to look good, she came in we enjoyed being together, it looked ok. However soon days turned into weeks and I felt like we are headed for the old routine. We spoke again she said that she does not go to her place because its too far (2 hours away) and the only reason she got it was because she was forced to. She also stated that it makes her terrible when I "kick her out" She left to her mothers the same day. Well not quite...here is where it all started:

That night she was not at her mothers, I tried to go see her, just to find her at a near by motel. I was crushed, confronted her the next day (tuesday). She claimed that she felt rejected and depressed. She claimed that i did not want her anymore and just did not tell her. As she was looking for support in a childhood guy friend, he must have said all the right things to get into her pants.

I was looking to leave, but a mutual friend of ours insisted that we work things out. She must have called both of us at least 20 times that day. She urged that I ask her to come over the same night. Not for sex or discussion, just to have her there. It was hard, yet I called her over, but since I was so hurt I barely said anything to her the whole night. In the morning she claimed that she felt pushed away again and coming over was a mistake. We had a civil lunch on tuesday. On wednesday i had a serous conversation with her, she apologized and was regretful and said she did not want anything to do with the guy. I told her that I lost all my trust in her, and in order to build it up she would have to be 100% honest with me etc. She asked me several times to get back together. She also stated that she can't stand the feeling of not knowing if I will take her back. I replied by saying that she just slept with another man 2 days ago, I need time and space to heal and she was pushing me into the corner with her demands. She agreed, but I told her I would call her on Thursday or Friday. After hearing her cry on the phone I thought that I might have been a little too hard.

So I called her the next evening just to get her voicemail. I called again about an hour later, still got the VM. I texted her asking if she is busy. She replied by saying "just giving you the space that you wanted...my battery is about to die talk later" The fact that her phone went dead right after was VERY suspicious. To make a long story short, that night I walked in on her in bed with ANOTHER guy. I did not say a word and left. She kept on calling me the whole night, the next morning she told me that she only did it because she thought it was over when I asked her for space. She pleaded, begged and even requested that we go to counseling together. We have not spoken in 2 days.

It is obvious to me now that she was very insecure in the relationship, maybe I did not give her enough reassurance, that was the first time "mistake", but the fact that it happened again two days later....THAT REALLY HURTS and wish SOOO MUCH that it did not happen. Supposedly there is a difference between girl that cheats because she is just a **** and an insecure one. Please give me some imput here...

[vertigocidic]

Hmmm. This is a toughie. I can only agree with your girlfriend that she felt that you weren't exactly interested in her. First, you dated other people while you were with her. That must've crushed her spirits. Then she asked if she can live with you, only for you to turn her offer down. That makes her think, "He doesn't love me!" and her world fades to depression. See, the things you do gives off signals to people. Actions speak louder than words. You tell us and her that you love her, yet you seem to pull her with one hand only to push her away with your other hand. Of course she'll be confused.

 

However, she cheated on you. Twice. The second time made me feel a little angry on her part, but still, I can only feel the pain she must of felt when you continually reject her be emotionally and physically close to you- the one she loves.

 

Perhaps it's time the both of you go to a couple councelor to figure this out together. If she cheats again, you know what to do.

 

[sweet&simple]

Insecure or not.. it's not a reason to cheat. You told her you needed time and space to think things through-- that's a normal request in a relationship that needs work. She decided to act by cheating again.

 

Seriously.. she kind of sounds like a psycho.. she's blaming you for the cheating by needing space, by "kicking her out," [it's your place, she knew you wanted to live alone yet tried to live with you anyway.. she didn't give you much choice,] and she's not taking responsibility for anything.

 

Honestly, it sounds like you can't give each other what you need. You need someone who is stable, secure in the relationship, understands your need for space and living alone. She is unstable, needs reassurance constantly, and thinks you should be living together regardless of your needs. And all of this is besides the cheating, hah.

 

Something that made me confused-- why did she move 2 hours away??

[Stockalone]

At the time the relationship was supposed to be a "friends with benefits" situation. However one day the girl told me she loved me. You hear that a lot these days so I took it for granted, and continued seeing other ppl.

 

When she told you that she loved you, what was your response to that?

 

 

Supposedly there is a difference between girl that cheats because she is just a **** and an insecure one. Please give me some imput here...

 

I could never stay with a cheater, the fear of them doing it again would haunt me and could ruin my mental health.

 

On the other hand, there are people who stayed with the person who cheated on them and worked through their problems.

 

Does the "why" (being insecure in this case) make a difference? Yes and no. Yes, because I might also feel some pity (instead of only disdain) if the girl is truly mentally unstable. No, because I would still leave her for cheating on me.

[Trialbyfire]

Bottom line, your g/f has major, major issues. NEEDY!!!!!!!!!

 

Having said that, it's true you didn't give her any sense of security, especially at the beginning which usually sets the boundaries for the relationship.

 

Combine the two personality types together, needy and distant, and you get a recipe for disaster.

 

Walk away from this experience. She's only going to put you through hell. Learn something from it though. If someone needs something from you and you can't or won't provide it, are you looking at the other person as a convenience?

[Bryanp]

My friend I think you need a reality check here. She has sex with another guy and you get back together. Two days later you walk in on her having sex with another guy. Don't be a fool. Why would you waste your time on somebody like this. She keeps blaming you for screwing other men. There is no way you could ever trust her. When she feels insecure her response is to screw another man? It is time to move on and find someone you can trust and respect because she does not respect you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[allanDR]

Do not waste any more of your time. I learned the hard way that it is COMPLETELY IDIOTIC to fall in love with insecure girls who cheat on you. No matter how much you love them, do not get too attached, they will break your heart.

[Javelin]

Frankly, I think the both of you need to grow up...

 

However, I don't normally side with cheaters, but I think you had all this coming, because of the way you were treating her.

 

Initially, you killed any chance of a healthy relationship and by trying to work things out, through pity, fate bit you in the ass. I will never justify cheating, but her neediness should of been the first warning sign. Honestly, there's nothing you can really do at this point, but to take this as a lessoned learned. I'd be careful of how you handle the beginning of your next relationship though. Perhaps you should talk about keeping your status, 'open' before sleeping with them.

[bish]

LostOn....leave her in the dust and never look back.

 

There are MUCH better women out there for you. Don't settle for one of the worst ones.

[Untouchable_Fire]

It is obvious to me now that she was very insecure in the relationship, maybe I did not give her enough reassurance, that was the first time "mistake", but the fact that it happened again two days later....THAT REALLY HURTS and wish SOOO MUCH that it did not happen. Supposedly there is a difference between girl that cheats because she is just a **** and an insecure one. Please give me some imput here...

 

She is massively insecure. Just be glad she never really moved in with you.

 

She bed hops like that because she places no value in herself. She is broken, and you can't fix her.

 

You dodged a bullet.

 

This is a toughie. I can only agree with your girlfriend that she felt that you weren't exactly interested in her. First, you dated other people while you were with her. That must've crushed her spirits. Then she asked if she can live with you, only for you to turn her offer down. That makes her think, "He doesn't love me!" and her world fades to depression.

 

? They started out as FWB... She is a moron if she expects that kind of situation to be exclusive without a verbal agreement!