Why do best friends get treated so shabbily?

[Suonarelamusica]

I'm beginning to wonder if I'm from another planet. There is something that makes absolutely no sense to me, but everyone else seems to take it for granted. Relationships are transient, usually a boyfriend or girlfriend isn't the person we're going to spend the rest of our life with... on the other hand, your best friend is someone who has BEEN THERE for you and a friendship is supposed to last for life. You will most likely eventually break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend, and they're usually out of your life from that moment on, but friendships are supposed to endure until the end.

 

Here's what confuses and angers me: why is it that we treat our friends so shabbily? Why is that the term "significant other" is applied to a boyfriend or girlfriend, but not to a best friend? Why is a best friend considered insignificant? Why is it that "special someone" is used for a boyfriend or girlfriend? Why aren't friends considered special?

 

Why is it that whenever one of my friends gets into a relationship, he starts building his world around the girl, the interloper, and throws me (the friend) away, just as if I were garbage to put out on the curb?

 

I'm always the friend. I mainly have guy friends, because I don't get on with most other females. My gay friends are great, so wonderful in fact that I wish I were a guy so I could have a chance with one of them. On the other hand, every time one of my straight guy friends gets a girlfriend, he thinks that the world revolves around "Babydoll's" whims.

 

My best friend is in a relationship and he's blown me off. I feel pretty cut up about this, but people tell me I don't have any right to feel that way because "he figured the girlfriend would get jealous if he continued to be your friend." Comments like this make me crazy. I'm the one who's stood by him, listened to him, shared memories, and cried with him and laughed with him since that first year of college. I even risked my LIFE on his account once and I am not exaggerating when I say that. Why don't my feelings matter? She might get jealous of me, but on the other hand, I feel cut up that my best friend of five years just threw me away because of some girl who will eventually break his heart, and doesn't deserve to have a boyfriend, and doesn't appreciate him.

 

My best friend lives in Mexico and I haven't seen him for years, but I have a feeling that this girl has whipped him to pieces. It makes me angry that he caters to all her whims and treats her like a princess. What "Munequita" (Spanish for Babydoll) wants, Babydoll gets. It's all about Babydoll. Babydoll tells him to jump, and he asks how high. Once I asked him, "Would you abandon my friendship if she asked you to?" And he said that he would never do that, because my friendship is much too valuable to him... but I feel like he already has abandoned me.

 

Everyone judges me and tells me that I'm wrong to feel hurt and that I should be perfectly happy if my best friend were to throw me away, and happy for the girlfriend.

 

Everyone says that he SHOULD abandon me if the girlfriend asked him to, and that he should do it without being asked, to please her and make her feel special. I was in his heart, and his life, years before she came along, and now she's getting an adorable boyfriend, who treats her like a princess, and I'm getting put out in the cold, just like a stray dog who bit the baby. I'm not a stray dog who bit the baby, and I wouldn't even treat a dog the way he's treating me (ie, blowing me off). Nobody seems to think that I matter, though, because I'm "just a friend."

 

 

Why aren't friends considered special? Is there something wrong with ME, or is it that friendships are inherenly expendable. Why does society (every culture in the world, it seems) view platonic friends as trash to be thrown away? When is someone going to put ME first? What's wrong with me?

 

Or, like I said, maybe I'm just an alien from another planet! I sure hope there's a better world than this one.

[norajane]

A man will put you first when he's in love with you, or at least he should. Isn't that what you would want?

 

No one should abandon their friends, but it is natural to gravitate away from friends when in love because the love interest consumes your thoughts and hopes and dreams for the future. The bond between lovers is a powerful one, and can have the effect of making other things fade in importance, including friendships, jobs, family.

 

Is it fair? Perhaps not. But when you are in love, don't you also spend more and more time with your lover and less with your friends?

 

If your friend is totally abandoning you, then he is an ass. Friends can be with you for life, but you do have to give them respect and care in order for that to happen.

 

But friends are also happy for you if you've found love and can make some allowances for the temporary insanity that falling in love brings out in people.

[Trialbyfire]

Balance. No one should be the only person in anyone's life. Love interests do trump friendships, although it shouldn't negate them completely.

 

I get the feeling you put your heart and soul into this friendship. Too much. You can't consume the other person. Friendships should enhance, not detract. As soon as you get possessive over a friend, it's time to take a step back.

[Sequoia]

I am completely feeling you. I hate the feeling of being blown off and abandoned when they fall in love and become consumed by the girlfriend. Makes me mad!I am not going through the process of dealing with the same situation.However in my case I found out by accident that he had the girlfriend then he acted as though I was trying to ruin his relationshp.So I am in the WTH happened stage!What I have done is totally cut him off because of his illtreatment.I am not quite sure what to tell u to do but I just want you to know you have someone in your corner.

[Suonarelamusica]

I feel like the other girl came between us and like he doesn't care about my feelings anymore. It makes me angry that I feel shut out when I was there first, long before her. I feel like he's dumped me for her.

[Trialbyfire]

I feel like the other girl came between us and like he doesn't care about my feelings anymore. It makes me angry that I feel shut out when I was there first, long before her. I feel like he's dumped me for her.

Read this over and over again. What does it tell you?

[Suonarelamusica]

That's what confuses me... why isn't the bond between friends more powerful than the bond between lovers? I was the one who was always THERE for him, and my friends say that I'm wrong and she didn't take anything from me... but I feel like she stole him from me. She's the one who's getting loved and cherished, and I'm the one who's abandoned and forgotten.

[Suonarelamusica]

I am completely feeling you. I hate the feeling of being blown off and abandoned when they fall in love and become consumed by the girlfriend. Makes me mad!I am not going through the process of dealing with the same situation.However in my case I found out by accident that he had the girlfriend then he acted as though I was trying to ruin his relationshp.So I am in the WTH happened stage!What I have done is totally cut him off because of his illtreatment.I am not quite sure what to tell u to do but I just want you to know you have someone in your corner.

 

Thanks for helping me... it means so much for someone to understand how I feel! It means the world. Thanks

[Suonarelamusica]

Sequoia, I forgot to mention but my case is similar to yours. My best friend lives in Mexico and currently I live in the US. He and I met when I went to university in Mexico and then I returned to the US, and we stayed in touch nearly every day. Then, I went for several months without a scrap of news, and wondered how my best friend could have forgotten all about me, and I found out about the girlfriend when I looked at his MSN space. He's my best friend, and I'm so hurt that I started to hate him... but it means a lot to have someone understand me... thanks

[D-Lish]

99% of my friends disappear off the map when they get into a relationship- both males and females.

 

In the last year- I went from having a healthy happy social life, to seeing everyone get into a relationship. I am lucky now if I see my friends once a month.

 

This isn't a gender specific trait- females do it as well.

 

My closest friend for two years was a guy- we moved into our lofts at the same time and became fast friends. We hung out daily, did everything together- my friends and his friends mixed really well. He got a girlfriend and within 2 months she had forbidden him to speak to me.... and he complied with this. He even told me teary eyed that he had to choose his gf over his female friendships.

 

I admit, that I do understand it, she was jealous and with me out of the picture, she felt safer in the relationship. So be it. Can't say it didn't hurt like hell. But they recently got engaged- so she's there for life.

 

I don't walk away from friendships when I meet a man, I've always had a balanced social life.

 

But I'll have to tell you that it smacked me pretty hard this past year as my friends started caving with their significant others. My social life has been reduced to zero.

[Sequoia]

Suon I know some people may see things differently but the way I see it is that they simply do not appreciate what you do for them. If they did they would respectfully tell you that they have a girlfriend and you should not feel hurt.I have had a friend that told his girlfriend that in no uncertain terms I was there for him and he is not letting go of our friendship. So for some the bond is still strong.IMO this has happened to shed some light on your friendship. A friend is a friend no matter what.Sometimes we love and care for people and they do not feel the same (as in they care less although they do care).Examine your friendship, think back about who is really the friend in the relationship. I'm sure that you may find that you were the one always going out of your way showing that you care.In my case I was so annoyed that I told him off .Maybe you too need some space. Let him have his time with his new girlfriend, wish him all the best.It will hurt but one day you will forget the pain you feel.

[Suonarelamusica]

He used to tell me all the time that he was crazy about to me and that he thought the world of me, and I KNOW that I cared about him, but sometimes I wondered about why he behaved the way he did.

 

He accuses me of rejecting him because he says that back when he was single, he wanted a long distance relationship, and at the time, I was afraid that it would backfire, ruin our friendship, and spoil the chances for a real relationship down the line. This happened when I was in Mexico on a visit, and I thought he knew that eventually I would return to Mexico, possibly for good... that was August, 2005.

 

I graduated from college in Mexico in May 2004 and returned to Mexico in August 2005. During that time, I was nearly always the one who initiated contact. If he say me on messenger, then he would message me first, but he never wrote me, called me, or even emailed me. I wrote him several emails but I never heard back from him, and when I saw him on messenger he would just say that he never got them. This was before "Babydoll," came into the picture and I saw him as a potential boyfriend (I still wonder if he could me but I am so confused now).

 

I would see him on Messenger and he would go on and on about how special I was to him, how much he loved and cared about me, how crazy he was about me, how badly he missed me... but never returned my emails!... and I went down to Mexico to see him. I love Mexico and I'm grateful that I got to live there, but... well, I've been there, and done that. I could have gone to Spain that summer (I think I still have relatives there) and well, I've dreamt of going to Spain since I was two years old, but I sacrificed that for my friend. I'm kicking myself for it now. There were other reasons that I went down there, but I had to make a lot of sacrifices and I didn't have anyone to go with me, and he didn't even pick me up at the airport, or accompany me to the airport when I left for the USA.

 

He and I would talk for hours on Messenger nearly every day, and he had a series of disappointments and hard times in his life, and I was there for him, and worried abouthim and what would become of him. He was working at a very mundane job and didn't return to university and I worried for his future and wanted him to have the best. Then, I was without a computer for awhile, and I had access to email, but not messenger, and I never heard from him. The last thing he said to me was that he was going to go back to college in the fall.

 

I had wanted things to work out for him, but when I found out that he was going back to school, I felt a little bit jealous, because I was thousands of miles away, disillusioned with my first after-college job to say the least, and missing college and the life I loved and missing Mexico, and I knew that he was going to spend most of his time in close proximity with other girls, who I worried would be prettier or smarter than me, and worst of all, just more THERE than me. I began to feel threatened and jealous but I had faith in him, that he wouldn't forget me.

 

For months, I waited and waited to hear from him, but I went all that time without a scrap of news from my friend. My birthday rolled around and I didn't get a phone call or even an email. Nothing... I felt heartbroken and abandoned and confused. I was always haunted by the fear that he had forgotten me, or abandoned my friendship, but I clung to the hope that I had misjudged him, because I couldn't bear to lose him. My fears would manifest themselves in dreams... I would dream that I would see him somewhere and he wouldn't even speak to me, or he would be cold and distant. He never initiated contact with me, and I felt more alone than ever during the long nights where I was so sad that I would lie awake and cry silently, and I wondered if he even remembered me.

 

Then I finally got a computer and got on Messenger on his birthday, to wish him a happy birthday... and his avatar was a picture of him, his arms around another girl, and the little caption: "Te amo Fulanita!!" (I love you Fulanita!)

 

He didn't send me an instant message, I sent him one, and that's how I found out about the gf. I'm not sure if the girlfriend was the reason he cut off contact with me, but now that Babydoll is in his life, I've gone from being the Best Friend and Number One girl... to last week's garbage, out on the curb to be collected and tossed into a landfill. I have never been so mad at anyone in my entire life. He dumped me behind my back and he had no intention of ever initiating contact with me again... or,he wanted to keep the girlfriend a secret from me and didn't think that I would be on messenger anytime in the future. I don't know. I just don't understand guys!

 

I barely want to be his friend anymore, because he hurt me so badly. I sacrificed everything to help him and he dumped me so many times, and he did it all for her, some girl who is probably like I said, going to break his heart one day. When she does, he'll come crawling back but my heart has been hardened to him. I will never forgive my friend as long as I live. I'm probably going to hell for this, but I am so angry that I can't help it.

[Sequoia]

Ok.Now that I have a fuller picture of your situation, here is what I think happened. It seems as if you were hoping that someday you guys would get into a relationship and that he would wait for you.It also seems as if he may have felt that u were rejecting him since he actually told you he was crazy about u etc.So you need to figure out why did you not try the LDR thing? In all honesty he is treating you like someone who was rejected.You probably have no idea what effect it had on him when he was telling you how he felt and you treating him like a friend.Unless you did tell him in your emails which he never responded to.You are hurt because now you feel rejected that he has a girlfriend.Maybe it happened so that you can make up your mind about how you actually feel about him.Are you even sure about that anyways? Is it that you want him but on your terms, which he is not even sure what they are, so he probably feels that you never wanted him in the first place?I'm not sure I understand what you mean by he DUMPED you so many times? Were you guys involved at some point like friends with benefits? Because if he is just a friend you should not feel dumped.If it was friends with benefits then the relationship would change since he now has Babydoll.As hard as it may be right now, the best thing to do is just try to forget about him at the moment. For me I am glad that my friend found someone to love him in a way I can't. I love him but not in a romantic way so its good that he was able to move on. Think about how you really feel for this guy now that this has happened. Whatever you find out, be determined to let him be and just relax and let the chips fall where they may.I hope this helps.

[Suonarelamusica]

Before he got the girlfriend, I wrote him a series of emails and he never answered them, and that's what confused me. I would talk to him on messenger and he would tell me how much he cared about me, but he would never answer my emails (there was always a reason).

 

I went back to Mexico, mainly to see him, and that's when he asked about a LDR. I told him that eventually I would return to Mexico and I was afraid that if we did have a LDR that it would ruin the chances of a real relationship in the future and possibly our friendship. It was a stupid mistake and maybe if I hadn't done it, I would be with him instead of sitting at home, in the darkness, wondering about this.

 

I was naive then and made a lot of stupid mistakes. I wish I hadn't said that to him about a LDR. What's odd is that I don't remember saying it to him, but he says I did. I wish I had told him the full truth, that I wanted him to wait for me. I know that was a lot to ask of him , but then, I sacrificed one of my dreams for him.

 

I care about my friend a lot but I'm a moron I know. I just hoped that he would see past my shortcomings. I wish and wish that I had tried a LDR and I don't know how I could have been so stupid...

 

I just didn't think that my friend would feel rejected. It sounds incredibly stupid in retrospect, but it made sense then. I was dying to go back to Mexico just to see the country, but it wasn't a good time for me to be down there, and my friend was the reason that I sacrificed to go down there at that time. I was confused as to why he had never emailed me until I told him I was going back down there, and I spent all my time with him during the time that I was down there visiting.

 

The week before I went down to Mexico, he FINALLY emailed me and in the email he said that when a female friend is almost like his sister that dating her wouldn't work, because it mixes the relationships up... I should have told it like it was, but he confused me too.

 

I know that I've written too much, as usual but whoever you are.. thanks for listening to me.

[Kim666]

I know how you feel..my best friend does the same thing to me...she calls me when she needs me for something and other then that forget it. She ignores my calls and texts.

 

I am only her best friend when she is in need.

 

Makes me feel worthless.

[vintagecat]

I think your friend decided that one foot in and one foot out the relationship door was not for him and that waiting for something that may never happen, that had no evidence of probably happening in the future was a waste of his life and energy.

 

While there might have been something between the two of you in the past, it was much more likely in the nature of an untried romantic attachment on both parts than purely the "disinterested" companionship of a more platonic relationship or it would likely survive a reasonable new addition.

 

People are not like mining claims, you can't just stake one out and then stay away months/years at a time and expect that it remain your claim to work when you are "ready" and you haven't been claim jumped by a nefarious neighbor, your friend simply has found love and companionship and if you were just a friend, that should be okay with just a friend especially one not around to provide those things on a regular basis.

 

With months and such passing between any connection and communication and over a year between seeing each other the first time you were apart, I suggest that you might want to explore making friends that are more "there" for you in a sense, that you can actually interact with in some venue other than an online connections which I see a lot of young people mistake for or try to make do with in the place of or for lack of friendship of the close proximity persuasion.

 

And sometimes friends move on and they leave their once good friends through no fault of anyone's. Especially those people that were friends when they were young or by proximity in school or on the job. As people mature, or especially when they move to other places or venues, they often find other more involving relationships that meet their needs and fit their lives better than the old friendships. Unfortunately when this happens time and allegiance of the old has to give way to make room for the new. In a way it's like a death and either the old friendship evolves to make way for it's new form or it dissolves entirely. It's a fact of life.

 

I had a "bosom, hide the bodies" kind of best friend for 20+ years from age 12 on but when my friend finally discovered or admitted to herself that she was gay and found a life partner, she left me and some of her other friends behind. Yes, I still hear from her from time to time, mostly by way of group email, but it isn't at nearly the same level of intimacy as it used to be and it never will be again. I suspect that she doesn't think that this straight married woman would accept or understand but I will never know and I accept this transition.

 

I also suspect that you are mourning the loss of the carefree easy days of college/youth and the idyllic time that represents for many, to the point of luring people into the "perpetual student" role. It's hard to get into adult mode and it's very easy to transfer some of that nostalgia and longing to transient attachments/friends made in those good times. There is no easy way but to go through it. You had already made up your mind in 2005 (and likely for good reason) that this relationship wasn't something that you wanted to pursue all the way and now is not the time to regret or second guess your decision.

 

Best of luck to you. Get out there, do your best to make some new friends and life does go on. I remember those times. Very tricky, emotional and if not navigated with skill, it can result in failure to properly "launch" into adulthood.

[Sequoia]

I quite agree with you vintage, having been in a similar situation.For some eerie reason I felt the need to stay away from my "friend" and not visit for a while.I was never quite sure what I wanted and did not want to give him wrong impressions and so when I did visit the country he moved to he had found someone to love and take care of him.It's difficult as you say especially if you are emotionally attached.But for me when you truly love someone you celebrate them finding the love and companionship that you could not give them.That is the way I feel amidst the pain I also feel.But I do truly wish them the best and will continue to pray and "love" them from a distance.Although right now our relationship is strained, deep down inside I am hoping that he settles down and finds the happiness he deserves. You just have to live and let live.

[Suonarelamusica]

I wanted him very, very badly... like I said, I risked my life to be with him once, because he needed me. I was afraid that if we had a long distance relationship, that would ruin everything... and I was hoping he would wait for me to return to Mexico. I told him how I felt and hoped he would be strong enough and true enough to wait for me.

 

Part of me is angry with him for hurting me and never wants to see him and part of me still loves him.

Once you get out of university, I don't see how you can ever have the opportunity to find someone.

I don't date men from the American culture, theres nothing wrong with them, but ... they just don't "get" me. Even when I was a little girl I always knew that my Prince Charming would be Latino, perhaps Mexican.

I'm not racist but I have my heart set on a latino, and where I live there aren't latin men who are available, and I don't want to settle for someone I wouldn't be happy with.

[Suonarelamusica]

I know I've gone on about this before, but my heart is in latin culture, and I don't feel accepted or understood in American culture.

 

How can things ever work out with my friend now?

 

Even if I COULD love someone else... I don't see how I could ever find someone.

I've been out of college for years, and I don't know WHEN I can return to Mexico for a substantial amount of time, or live in Latin America for that matter. Even if I could return there, my prospects would be very limited... in college, you spend most of your time in proximity with THOUSANDS of eligible guys... in the real world, however, you might work in an office with 6 guys.