Coping with a bipolar boyfriend/ex......

[tll]

Trying to cope. I thought I had found the most wonderful man. He made me feel so good. He was everything I've ever wanted in a man. I love him so much. So everything was great. Then about a month ago he started withdrawing from me and everyone else. He started staying up all night and doing really strange things. It kept getting worse. He started being paronoid and dillusional. I didn't know what was going on. I thought maybe he was using drugs. After a month or so of this and alot of stressful and emotional situations, that I won't go into detail about because it would take pages, we are no longer together. Today, after meeting his mother and talking to her for a few days on the phone, I've found out that he is bipolar. Which would explain everything. We are concerned for his well-being because his condition is progressing. His mother is talking to mental health to try and have them make him get help. I've been so concerned about his safety, but at the same time, concerned about mine. I really want him to get help, as does the rest of his family. Hopefully that will work out. I love him with all my heart and am trying to be supportive. It hurts that we're seperated because there wasn't really anything wrong with the relationship. He has an illness that I was not aware of or maybe things would have gone a little differently. He won't talk to me now. At this time he tells his mother he hates me. For no reason.Coping with losing the one I love and seeing him go through this is difficult. He really is so unaware of reality right now. I wonder if he gets help, will he still want to be with me? And I also wonder, do I want to be with him? Would it be safe to be with him? What's gonna happen? I miss him tremendously, love him so much, and am totally heart broken. Somebody please tell me how to cope with this!

[Angel1111]

If you spent your life with him, your relationship would be full of high drama and heartbreak. It would be like going through what you're going through now over and over again. There would be no end to it. Sadly, people with bi-polar are very unstable and are apt to do anything. Unless you want this kind of thing in your life, then I would take this opportunity to stay out of a relationship with him. I can imagine it must really hurt not knowing what's going on and all but maybe you can stay posted on things from his mom. Ask her if that will be ok.

 

My sister was friends with a woman who was bi-polar and this woman actually put a tracking software on her computer and for several months tracked everything on her computer - banks accounts, emails, you name it. It was such a deeply embedded application that when a computer guy worked on it, he said there was actually no way to totally remove it. My sister ended up getting a new computer. Not to mention how invaded she felt. The way she found out about this is that her bi-polar friend got drunk one night and told some other friends about what she did. This woman was so strange that when I met her, I told my sister that her friend bothered me so much that it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. And I meant that literally.

 

The thing is, you can't punish yourself with a relationship like this. How could you ever have children and not think this will get passed on to them? How could they deal with having a father like this? I mean the problems this would cause in your life are unimmaginable. I'm so sorry you're going through this - I just can't imagine.

[muse08]

i too am sorry that you're going through this. you seem to be making a good decision by showing your concern for him at a distance. i have a question though. if you don't mind could you PLEASE tell me what kinds of weird things he would do late at night? i'm not certain, but i may have a friend who is bi-polar...just not aware of signs to look for.

[tll]

He would stay up all night. Insomnia. He would take showers all hours of the night. Listen to music on the computer with headphones, but so loud I couldn't watch TV in the same room. He'd jump back and forth from the TV (really loud) to music (really loud). He'd have the AC on, but have the balcony door open and sometimes the windows. Those are some of the things. Then it starting getting worse. His attention span started getting shorter and it was so hard to carry on a conversation with him. Earlier I went to Wikipedia and looked up Bipolar Disorder and read it. Everything that it said was so him. So I would suggest you do the same and see if any or all of the symptoms fit your friend.

[muse08]

im sorry to be so long winded on this one, but thanks tll but im on the wikipedia site now. btw, the friend i was talking about is a guy i had been seeing for a few months...i just had to ask if there are ways to tell that someone is on meds for a mental illness...?

 

he's mentioned to me that he does have a history of depression. i've had some issue with it, but never been clinically depressed i don't think.we have discussed that lightly. like many of the posts i've been reading from others who are dating individuals who are BP, he has told me that he doesn't want to bring mess into my life. ANGEL, you're familiar with my situation...my guy has told me that he has had thoughts of me moving closer to him(currently 2hours away), but he is concerned about my safety. this could relate to an "ex" issue and/or any mental illness he may or may not have. before we went out he mentioned that he was going to try to start meds to see how they would work for him, but i'm not sure if he started them already or not. we spent 3 consecutive days together a few weeks ago and no outbursts, but a few weird things. "a look"...sometimes he would stare at me with this weird stare. he would be pleasant looking, but ((wide-eyed)) and his head would turn (in slow motion) like a dog's head turns when you talk to it.but i wasn't always talking to this guy each time he stared at me. maybe he was just craving me, lol...i don't know...usually it was when we were in close proximity or about to kiss or just near each other. after happening a few times, i had to say (with a half smile and one eyebrow raised) "why are you looking at me like that?!...you're almost scaring me" now that i think about it he didn't give me a str8 answer. after asking him a few times b4 , this time he says "oh, the crazy about you look?" and says nothing more, but i was like "i guess...". to myself, i was like "this guy is freeking me out a bit". he seems too calm/slow motioned sometimes. and i wonder if he is on meds or if this is just his personality. i haven't asked him yet and not sure if i will get the chance to.

 

this past week we were in the middle of saying how we were thinking of each other wed or thurs at the same times!he was telling me the thoughts he was having of me being closer to him and tryiny to pull my thoughts out of my head, since i was kind of hesitant. and we said that we didn't know what we could do about the distance. he was saying that he had thoughts of asking me to move over there with, but he knew it didn't make sense and was foolish being this soon and because he is concerned about my safety. i said that i never mentioned anything about moving. however, if you'd asked i may have been foolish enough to consider it. when he mentioned "safety", i'm like what is this guy talking about ? so i casually said "why don't you just say you can't see me anymore or something so we wont have to discuss this again". so he said he couldn't see me anymore. i was blown and still am. how did the conversation go from sweet to sour so quickly?

 

could these incidents possibly be related to a being bi-polar?

[muse08]

btw, this guy is very affectionate, we can't keep our hands off of each other, he's intelligent, fun, calm. we've discussed how our futures together would be. then he says he can't see me anymore, but then i wake up to 10 emails from him...10. i'll stop here 'cause it's falling into another category...

[Angel1111]

ANGEL, you're familiar with my situation...my guy has told me that he has had thoughts of me moving closer to him(currently 2hours away), but he is concerned about my safety.

 

Oh, yes. Sorry, I didn't make the connection right away as to who you were when I saw your previous post. Based on what you're saying, I think you need to be very, very careful with this guy. And pay very close attention to your instincts. They're trying to tell you something. It sounds like he is also trying to tell you something - in a kind of sideways manner - and now this whole thing about safety actually makes sense. I don't like these vibes you're getting from him, especially the ones where he's making you feel scared. That's a very distinct feeling and not a reaction that kicks in unless a threat is perceived. Don't ignore that.

 

Even if he's got a problem and is on meds, you need to ask yourself if this is what you really want in your life. Because there are serious implications that come with that kind of thing and it will seriously impact your life. I'm very sympathetic toward people who have illnesses and problems in their lives but I don't do well with unstable personalities. On the other hand, I find that they are extremely attracted to me because I make them feel calm. Unfortunately, they end up taking all my calm away and I end up feeling very off-center. If you're the same way, then know your limitations and honor them. You're not obligated to him in any way.

[muse08]

Oh, yes. Sorry, I didn't make the connection right away as to who you were when I saw your previous post. Based on what you're saying, I think you need to be very, very careful with this guy. And pay very close attention to your instincts. They're trying to tell you something. It sounds like he is also trying to tell you something - in a kind of sideways manner - and now this whole thing about safety actually makes sense. I don't like these vibes you're getting from him, especially the ones where he's making you feel scared. That's a very distinct feeling and not a reaction that kicks in unless a threat is perceived. Don't ignore that.

 

Even if he's got a problem and is on meds, you need to ask yourself if this is what you really want in your life. Because there are serious implications that come with that kind of thing and it will seriously impact your life. I'm very sympathetic toward people who have illnesses and problems in their lives but I don't do well with unstable personalities. On the other hand, I find that they are extremely attracted to me because I make them feel calm. Unfortunately, they end up taking all my calm away and I end up feeling very off-center. If you're the same way, then know your limitations and honor them. You're not obligated to him in any way.

thank you, sensei!

wow...the way you described yourself sounds exactly how i would describe myself...relatively. this guy has said to me that i make him happy and peaceful and calm...he has said that i inspire him...i'm like what am i your muse, hence my handle. i've heard this from many men...i inspire them. what gives. that's a compliment in one sense but it also makes one wonder then what...once you do what you were inspired to do, im left drained as you said and feeling off centered. this is how i have been feeling all weekend long! and i know it's related to him. thanks for your insight and advice and yes, i will definitely re-evaluate what i want with him at this point, if anything. though, i won't deny that i care about him...

 

will keep you posted.

[muse08]

i tend to have good instincts. that stare was not normal. btw, why is "the stare" characterized in people with some mental illnesses? i can see it so clearly...

[Arsenic_Child]

hey Tll, what you just typed in that story is exactly what happened to me, i mean to the teeth. But sadly i was on the receiving end of this and she broke up with me because i am bi-polar. I just actually got out of the relationship 2 months ago because i knew i needed help, but lacked the ability to do it.

[tll]

He never told me that he had ever been diagnosed with bi-polar. I wish he had because maybe everything would have gone differently because I might have known what was going on. He seems to think in his mind that he's perfectly fine, contrary to what everyone else believes. I hope that he will get help even if it's forced. Have you gotten help since the relationship broke off? If not, it's definately something you need to do for yourself.

[Angel1111]

i tend to have good instincts. that stare was not normal. btw, why is "the stare" characterized in people with some mental illnesses? i can see it so clearly...

 

I don't know what it is about that, but it's for real.

[tll]

muse08. My guy was also intelligent, caring, and very fun. I'm telling you the relationship was great! I guess thats why I'm having such a hard time with this. I love him very much. We had a good relationship and I loved spending time with him. I didn't do anything wrong to not have my boyfriend anymore. He just fell off. Its the worst feeling not having him right now. Your situation to me sounds like this guy is warning you off. Did you ask him why he was worried about your safety? Thats a strange thing to say. I really dont know how the meds for bi-polar make people act. I never got a chance to see my boyfriend take them unfortunately. His mother, however, said that he said they made him feel like a zombie. But again I never witnessed him taking any meds. Angel seems to have very good advice and you might want to follow it. You definately dont want to go what I just went through. It was so caotic. Im still scared every night when I walk in my apartment because he had kicked my door in and a whole bunch of other stuff. I would definately re-evaluate the situation before you go any further with the relationship.

[muse08]

tll, thanks for the comment. i truly feel your pain, but hope that you're getting better each day and taking measures to ensure your safety. i am taking angel's advice and my own instincts, which tell me to lay low and don't respond to his messages. he has gone back and forth with his decisions b4 and the more i think about everything, he seems really strange...

 

regarding your question about what he means by safety. he has said that his ex- is crazy; used to hit on him (hard to believe a guy would let this happen) and that he doesn't feel stable during this point in his life. he mentioned this b4. i just assumed it was nothing serious, silly me.

 

i have not talked to him since last week and have not responded to his last email on yesterday morning mentioning that he didn't think this was a "safe or sane" time for him to have a closer relationship with me and even if this break up is his fault, if he can't have me the way he's like to then he guesses we shouldn't have anything together...something tells me to stop responding to him. each time i respond he responds with more "stuff"...and it seems like he's testing me or something. i'm sad and yesterday was extremely hard for me. felt like i was about to go into a depression, but i'm ok for now.

[Touche]

tll, I am a rather seasoned member on LS and usually things don't get to me. You're story does though. Been there, done that.

 

Your story reminds me so much of mine that I couldn't even read through all the responses.

 

My ex was also bi-polar. I didn't know it until it was over. He was never on medication until after I left. His twin had the same kind of problem.

 

I always blamed myself.

 

I loved him with all my heart. I just couldn't live with him anymore.

 

The temper tantrums and the jealousy and the paranoia became too much for me.

 

I used to lie awake at night and pray that he'd be loving and even-tempered. Never happened.

 

I had to leave him to find a man who would treat me right and let me love him - and love me as well.

 

It's very sad but what can you do?

 

We all DO have more than one "soulmate" in our lives. Yes, we do.

 

I hope you also find yours because he's clearly not it.

 

Stay with him and it will be a rollercoaster from hell..trust me. Mine lasted 9 years. Nine years wasted.

[Angel1111]

thank you, sensei!

 

Sensei. hee! hee!

[Arsenic_Child]

Tll, sadly I'm not receiving any help for my condition, as i do not have medical insurance, to be honest, i still don't know if my ex knows I'm bi-polar, but if she did, i think she would have handled everything differently

[Touche]

Tll, sadly I'm not receiving any help for my condition, as i do not have medical insurance, to be honest, i still don't know if my ex knows I'm bi-polar, but if she did, i think she would have handled everything differently

 

Ya think? Not to be mean by what makes you think she'd be handling things so differently?

 

Sorry to be so politically incorrect but wow...I'd RUN like the wind from someone diagnosed with BPD...treated or untreated. I'm just that insensitive/impatient/selfish....yep.

 

I ran from my ex who I loved with all my heart. He wasn't even diagnosed at the time. He kind of admitted it later..but oh well. Too little too late.

 

Forget about her. Get yourself treated and start over with someone else. Because if you're anything like my ex, he made me feel like all was MY fault when it wasn't.

 

Again, too little too late.

 

Thank god I left him and was able to start fresh in my life.

[Kim666]

I could be wrong here but you make it sound like being bi-polar is something horrid.

 

I have to admit I am bi-polar, I am on meds and I have my good days and bad days, but if my ex husband had done any research and assisted me with some difficult days instead of back handing me when I was having a bad day..well lets just say I might not be as bad off.

 

Bi-polar people can live normal lives just like everyone else and if they are on meds and going to therapy and with the right partner who is caring and supportive you can have a stable relationship.

 

I have had stable relationships with this disease and all it takes is a little care.

 

My ex husband use to say that I was making it up and was using it to get attention.

 

Life no matter whether you are ill or not is a roller coaster and maybe if people were more tolerant the world would be a better place.

[muse08]

touche i also wasn't aware of this until i stopped seeing this guy. we just ended thursday and i cry sometimes at the thought of never really knowing him completely. i had weird vibes,then mostly everyone i've told about hism thinkis that the best thing to do was to let him go and be thankful that i didn't see all of him. the first time we went out i noticed him watching where my eyes were looking if he saw me look in the same direction more than once. he said he was a bit jealous and i AM thankful that i didn't see things get real ugly with him. yes i still miss him and want to stop missing him...i may have to start back therapy due to this situation. i feel myself being down and having no interest in doing much. i also remember the good times we had together and remember him telling me that he felt himself being not very stable right now...all these hints he kept throwing out, but as we went out i seemed to have forgotten the things he said.

 

i too want to eventually find someone who loves me and whom i can care for and love. right now, i have no interest in meeting ANYONE... i'm trying to heal...