Dede33101 Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 I really need some advice. I'll give you the brief version of a complicated story. We met at the company we both work for, and I asked him out on our first date (which is something I have never done) but I knew that this was the man that I wanted, that would take care of me. Do to the way I grew up I am very mature for my age and have always dated older men. He is older than me by about ten years, which is what I was most attracted to. He is mature, responsible, can hold a conversation, and I thought would be ready to settle down He asked me to live with him a few months after we started dating, and I agreed. After we were living together for around two years I starting asking about marriage. This is where it gets complicated, he is from a different country and at the time was on a work visa and applying for a green card. My argument was that getting married would make it easier. But he does not want his citizenship to be a reason for us to get married (which at the time I respected) he wanted to get married after his paperwork was in place, and not have that be a worry. As time went on there was a complication with his application, and he would have to apply all over again. That's when I brought it up again, and it turned into a heated discussion. The next day, he said that we should break up. Well I lost it!! I mean I felt that my world had ended. We ended up not breaking up and worked things out, but it was very hard for me to get it out of my head. It was so easy for him to just give up. Now we have been together for almost five years, and his application is looking good. I am very careful to bring up the marriage subject, but when I do he now says that "He is not ready". When I say just getting engaged to show me a commitment he says the same. I just don't understand it!! We live together, work together, share our finances, and deal with each others families - in my view, that is marriage. He is going to be 37 in November, he is not getting any younger. I feel like i have been wasting the past five years. I don't have any interest in doing things for him anymore. I used to love to bring him home little surprises, or cooking him a nice meal. I just feel so angry, and i know that it all stems from this. Please tell me what you think Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 After 5 years, you have a right to know if this guy is going to be your husband and start a family with you. If he is so uncertain of committing, in the sense of marriage - Then yes, you need to think about your needs and wants. Obviously living together isn't enough for you, so keep trying to talk to him - Without it turning into an argument. Tell him you love him and only want him but you don't feel secure, especially since he quickly wanted to break up without thinking things through. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 37 is really old to not be ready, especially after 5 years. It seems like there are a few factors here that make this different from the typical "why isn't he ready?" situation. Are you at all concerned hat when you pushed the issue of marriage he broke things off? Is he a controlling man? Do you know everything about him there is to know? I don't want to be out of line but this seems a little shady. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 He sounds English. If you value your dignity, you need to find a place to live and move out of his place. This is not a man who thinks your feelings are important and he doesn't have the same emotional investement in this relationship that you have. If a guy were willing to end it with me that quickly, I'd let it end. You need to learn to stop letting your emotions overrule your good judgement. By staying with him, you're basically letting him know that you're too weak to leave him and that, as you say, you're desperate. The only thing you'll accomplish by doing this is de-valuing yourself further in his eyes. And I can save you the suspense - and another 5 yrs - under these circumstances, this man will never marry you. You can even get pregnant and have 3 kids. He won't marry you. He'll probably even leave you if you have kids with him. For the most part, you have been the agressor in this relationship and you need to stop doing that. You also need to stop talking about marriage because it's just making him dig his heels in even deeper. Ask yourself why you choose to be with a man who doesn't want to commit to you. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 So- let me get this straight... If you guys marry- he would be automatically "legal", and able to work and live in your country? BUT- he is such a comittment phobe that he'd rather be deported than marry you given the choice? Geez, most people in this situation would get married for the legality of it all. Especially after five years. He's spending more money on legal fees to get legal than he would to get married to you. I'd tell him to hit the road. he's 38, you've been together 5 years, and getting married would be a logical solution to his problem, you're living together and sharing everything, it all makes sense .... Hell, he could marry you and USE you and get a visa much easier than the avenues he is going through now. But he is so adverse to the notion of marriage that he'd rather be deported or waste money. That should tell you something. This guys does not want to get married. It's not your issue- but it sure is his. He could marry you and get legal citizenship. Instead- he wants to spend money on other methods. If you had been together 6 months- I'd say something different. But after 5 years and the given circumstances... he's not looking to get married. Is getting married your first priority? At least you know he isn't staying with you to use you- if he was he WOULD have married you by now. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Are you sure he's not married in his former country? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggs Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 My BF and I are almost in the same situation. Except that unfortunately we can't live in the same country together permanently until we do get married, so now we live 3000 miles apart. We did live together for a while then I had to return home when my visa expired. So I do know how you feel. We've only been together for a year and a half and he has talked about marriage in the past so I'm hoping eventually it will come. But I think if I was made to wait as long as you...I would have given up ages ago. He's not even ready to entertain the idea, let alone think about getting engaged. I think if he's 37 and 5 yrs into this, he has some fear of commitment somewhere down the line. Either that or it's easier for him to be common-law partners instead of having it down on paper. It doesn't sound like an ultimatum would work for this guy, so you're just going to have to decide for yourself how long you're willing to wait. But if I were you, I'd be thinking of leaving sooner rather than later. As much as that pains you to do, I'm. Because I've already worried about being placed in the same position myself in the next couple of yrs. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Are you sure he's not married in his former country? This is what I was thinking. It seems like he may be hiding something. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Sounds all a bit suspicious to me. Have you travelled to his home country to see where he is from or met his family? I personally wouldn't want to marry a person from another country until I had seen where they were from unless it wasn't possible for political or safety reasons. I think it shows respect for the fact that they aren't from the same place as them by showing your interest in their background, and helps you to understand them more. Marriages between two people from different countries can be difficult due to cultural differences, so I would want to understand as much as I could before committing to marrying them. Anyway thats not really on topic so much. It does sound like he is hiding something from you, and it does sound like if he isn't ready now, he never will be. Link to post Share on other sites
Jo78 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 So- let me get this straight... If you guys marry- he would be automatically "legal", and able to work and live in your country? She wrote he has a work visa and his Green Card Application is ongoing, so he is legal and able to work. He does not need to marry her to get permanent residency, it would have just made the process somewhat shorter. So that's not the issue. As for him having a wife in his home country. Family members of work visa holders can get dependent visas and move to the States with their loved ones. So there would be no reason for him to leave his wife behind and plan to live in the States permanently without her, unless he never wanted to live with his wife again. And the wife definitely should be on the Green Card paperwork. So I think this scenario is unlikely, too. Now he just seems to have an issue to commit to you. I don't have any useful advice in this area, but I wish you good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 So- let me get this straight... If you guys marry- he would be automatically "legal", and able to work and live in your country? BUT- he is such a comittment phobe that he'd rather be deported than marry you given the choice? Geez, most people in this situation would get married for the legality of it all. Especially after five years. He's spending more money on legal fees to get legal than he would to get married to you. I'd tell him to hit the road. he's 38, you've been together 5 years, and getting married would be a logical solution to his problem, you're living together and sharing everything, it all makes sense .... Hell, he could marry you and USE you and get a visa much easier than the avenues he is going through now. But he is so adverse to the notion of marriage that he'd rather be deported or waste money. That should tell you something. This guys does not want to get married. It's not your issue- but it sure is his. He could marry you and get legal citizenship. Instead- he wants to spend money on other methods. If you had been together 6 months- I'd say something different. But after 5 years and the given circumstances... he's not looking to get married. Is getting married your first priority? At least you know he isn't staying with you to use you- if he was he WOULD have married you by now. Beautifully Spoken ! I could not have said this any better than Dlish ! Everytime you hammer him for marraige he wants to run. HE DOES NOT want to get married . Believe him ! Move on and find someone who does. Imagine if there was a catastrophe , you are not legally married , his estate would go to his family ( if he has one ) . You are with the wrong man. He does NOT want what you want... Link to post Share on other sites
Siciliana Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I guess I missed the part about why you would be so desperate to marry a man that obviously doesn't want to marry you. If he isn't the one on bended knee begging YOU then there is something seriously wrong with this picture. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 The guy clearly doesn't want to get married... for whatever reason - that's not going to change. You have two choices: 1) Stay with him - not married. 2) Leave. You won't change his mind or force him to do it. It might happen with time, but nothing you do or say will make him want to get married right now. Link to post Share on other sites
stupidgrl Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Life is short. Dump him and find someone that wants the same kind of commitment you want. Link to post Share on other sites
moonmosaic Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Nothing has been wasted yet. Every relationship is part of life experience. However after 5 years of needs not being met I would start working towards building a solid future for myself. Write a mental note; where you want to be in 2 years' time and discuss it with your bf. If marriage, family and kids are part of your plans but not part of his than you have two options: 1. accept it - perhaps continue writing in forums and hope for a miracle, 2. give him an ultimatum - he may pack your bags unless you beat him to it first, You are still young and there are plenty of eligible bachelors out there waiting. When I mentioned marriage to my boyfriend (now my husband) he got very excited and his face lit up with joy. So now, that's the kind of response you want from someone who truly loves you. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I was in a similar situation not too long ago where I kept wondering if my boyfriend was going to marry me. The only difference is that I waited around for 8 years and it has only been 5 for you. Don't waste any more time with this guy. I kept thinking I could change the way my boyfriend felt about marriage, and I realized you just simply can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Federica Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 The OP has not responded, and it's been a month now. This thread has run its course until she comes back and comments. Link to post Share on other sites
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