user12 Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Almost a year ago, I started hanging out with these two really great guys because I thought one of them was attractive. I didn't expect the three of us to become best friends, but that's what happened. We hang out all the time, but my feelings for that one guy have only intensified over time. He's pretty introverted and shy, and it's taken him almost this long to completely open up to me. Now we talk about everrything and it's wonderful. We started hooking up in April, drunk on High Life the day our school's semester ended. We were apart all summer, but about 2 weeks after we got back to school it started up again. We both know it would be totally weird if we started dating because it would change our whole friendship trio dynamic, and over the past month or so we have beat the subject of US and what we're doing to death. After a particularly intense makeout session, he wrote me a letter saying it would be best if we stopped being physical because we couldn't bypass prerequisites and we are just cheating one another out of something more real and sincere. Since then we've tried to stop, but we can't stop hanging out because we're such good friends and when we're alone we naturally fall into each others' arms and cuddle and kiss. He says he likes me, but I'm not his "type," and he doesn't see our "day to day personalities working out together." But amidst these things, he'll say things like, "It really sucks this wouldn't work because we'd be SO good," and "We're not really friends with benefits, because we LIKE each other too...so...I dunno..." and his actions are so contradictory to what he says. He always wants to hold me and he tries to find loopholes in the friendship for "cuddling" and sleepovers where we "just sleep." This weekend was a great example of his behaviors. Thursday night: After our group of friends goes out dancing, he calls me around 2 on his way home and halfway suggests he just comes over and sits with me by the lake. It was cold and he wrapped me up in his poncho, and then we laid down on the grass talking on the lake banks. Way. too. cute. Friday night: We hung out and then separated. But around one am, I decided I wanted to see him. So I sent him a text that said, "I think I want a little [instert his name]" He was hanging out with people, but upon receiving that text he rode his bike over in ten minutes. Last night: I went over to his house and we were sitting in his room talking. It got to be around 3am and he had a 10 hour shift he had to get up at 7am for this morning, but we once again naturally fell into each other and laid there flirting and laughing and being just really cute. I said, "This is ridiculous." and he said, "I know. We're in the most undefinable relationship EVER." And I said, "Whatever, we're pretty much dating." and he said, "No we're not. We're almost dating." So... I know I should probably let this go? but it's so hard because I love being his friend. And I can't help but feel that the growing attachment is mutual and he will at some point get over his whole "you're not my type" mantra and just go with it. We're very close friends who like each other and are physically attracted to one another. Is that not the dating formula? Link to post Share on other sites
4dviceJunki3 Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 Listen, it seems as if a relationship with him is inevitable for you. He just doesn't want to admit it as much as you do. But eventually, you guys will just both come to realization and continue walking down that road. It seems that this guy has insecurity issues and doesn't want to deal with them; hence, avoiding the whole label of "dating" or "girlfriend". I had a similar relationship like this with a girl who I met and ALMOST fell in love with. She was dating this guy at the same time and didn't tell me about him. Well, everything eventually surfaced and I told her to completely leave me alone; don't want to be friends with you. Well, a few after that I realized that despite of everything that had happened, I still wanted to be friends with her. Well we just chit chatted here and there, went out to a few dinners and hung out just like friends until recently, we sort of just fell back to the place we were in before with holding hands, kissing, spending the night at her house, using relationship terms with one another, getting mad if one talks to another guy or me to a girl, etc. We haven't each touched on the subject of what had happened between us originally and how she had withheld the fact that she was and quite possibly still IS dating this other guy. I just kept it to myself but this time, I'm holding all my feelings back and proceeding with caution. The reason why you guys keep cuddling and kissing even though you label yourself as "friends" is because you guys have chemistry and you both naturally just adapt to one another. I would sit down and really have a talk about this with him because it seems he may not be comfortable or just scared to admit that he's in a serious relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
IrishCarBomb Posted October 6, 2008 Share Posted October 6, 2008 How old are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Thanks for responding. I know the post was way too long but this site doesn't allow edits! I'm 20. We've talked about what the heck we're doing a lot...I feel like I just need to drop it because he's not going to respond to pressure...he's all about seeeeing what will happen. I feel like if I started seeing another guy he'd get jealous enough to push him forward, buuut that's easier said than done where I'm living. So you don't think I'm just a stand-in love puppet he can cuddle with til he finds whatever he's really looking for? The other night when he was over, I said to him, "I just want you to confirm something for me. I'm pretty much out of sight out of mind right?" And he thought for a while and said, "Maybe." And I said, "No! Don't say maybe to soften the yes. I really just need to hear yes!" And he was like, "But it's not yes. And it's not no. I think about you less than before I wrote that letter..." I went inside my house, not at all satisfied with that response. He texted me about 10 minutes later and said, "What did you want me to say?" I looked outside and he was still standing out there in the dark. I went outside and asked what he was doing and he said, "Thinking about what you said.... I think about you. It's hard not to. It's hard not to think about ANYTHING." Most efing cryptic person on the planet. Link to post Share on other sites
joshaz Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 He's emo isn't he? Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 haha!! No, but he's one of those artsy introverted shy sensitive guys. However, he wears guys pants and he listens to much better music. Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Your relationship IS definable hon, you are friends with benefits! Dont sleep with a guy who is basically saying that you are ok to have sex with but not ok to date! It is soul destroying! Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 We're not having sex, but you put that really nicely... sighhhh Your response is polar opposite the first guy's. So then, if I need to get out of this, does that mean cutting off the friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 No honey, it means cutting off the close contact and kissing Be his friend and no more than that BUT only if you are not happy with the arrangement If you want more from him you will never get it by making out with him. He will just take what he wants with no comebacks or resposibility and you are probably missing out on some great guys because you are in this mish mash relationship that is going no where. I was in a similar position and it makes you feel awful about yourself Like I said, only stop it of you want more and its hurting you, if you are cool with it then you are doing nothing wrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 You're right. I tried to convince myself for a while that this was fine, and I would just forget about him once something better came along. But I think I'm falling. Okay. This weekend, NOTHING. I'll hang out with him no contact. He already knows what he could have, sooo hes gotta know that he'll miss it... What happened with your situation? Did he ever come around? Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 And thank you so much Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 Ahhhh mine was different user, I went into it as a sex thing because I had come out of a LTR (14 years) and was badly burned so I did not want a boyfriend. We slept together for a year and I caught feelings and wanted more but he did not as he had his own issues. I ended it and met a guy who wanted it all with me and then the FWB came back wanting more but by then I was well in love with my new guy and the FWB would have probably just slept with me again and treated me like a sex buddy. The only way that your guy will want you is to miss what you had. How he sees it is "why fix what is not broken" He is having his cake and eating it. And always remember this ... Get in their head before you get in their bed! You wont go far wrong with that attitude. Good luck and let me know how it goes x Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 He doesn't want to date you. He does want the sex or whatever it is, but he feels guilty for using you like that, so he wants to let it be your decision. People will tell you their truth, but you have to be willing to listen and believe what they are telling about themselves. And what they want from you. If someone flat out told me, "You're not my type," they would not later be touching me. Why is he touching someone who is not his type? because you're just the body. If you're not satisfied with just being the body, then get the hell out of there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 I really, really needed to hear that. I guess it's hard to get past because he tells me he likes me, so I'm always thinking I'm ALMOST THERE! I'm making progress! But I'm probably not... he just thinks I'm really attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 What is his type may I ask? What is it about you that he does not like? I just want to know to see if it is something that can be overcome. I stongly suspect that it is not and he is just playing with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 I think he usually goes for girls that are older than him, really earthy artsy girls, who are more on the quiet side. I'm younger by a few months, and I'm a bit of an extrovert. I'm not overbearing by any means, but... I'm not sure exactly. He's not either, he says it's more of a feeling. I've talked to my mom about this throughout the whole thing, and she's such an optimist about it. She says that those feelings can develop over time and it sounds like he's starting to chase me a little bit. That's why I had to come on here so I could get some other perspectives. I know by tomorrow or Thursday he'll be texting me wanting to know what I'm doing again. We always end up hanging out cause we like to go to the same types of places and parties, but maybe I'll be REALLY "busy" this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 What's that song that goes "I can't make you love me if you don't and you can't make your heart feel something it won't." True that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 I'm not sure, but I will look it up, download it, and play it on repeat for the next week Link to post Share on other sites
Kamille Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 The good news is: You're 20 - young - and you have a good head on your shoulders. There are so many things I wish I had known when I was 20. Like number one: never waste your time pining after someone who doesn't know what he wants. Get busy this weekend and start looking for someone who will want to build a relationship with you. Link to post Share on other sites
All Star Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I'm not sure, but I will look it up, download it, and play it on repeat for the next week IT'S CALLED I CAN'T MAKE YOU LOVE ME. BY BONNIE RAITT Turn down the lights, turn down the bed Turn down these voices inside my head Lay down with me, tell me no lies Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont You cant make your heart feel something it wont Here in the dark, in these lonely hours I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power But you wont, no you wont cause I cant make you love me, if you dont Ill close my eyes, then I wont see The love you dont feel when youre holding me Morning will come and Ill do whats right Just give me till then to give up this fight And I will give up this fight Chorus: cause I cant make you love me if you dont You cant make your heart feel something it wont Here in the dark, in these lonely hours I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power But you wont, no you wont Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 You guys are wonderful I am going to refer to this often. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author user12 Posted October 7, 2008 Author Share Posted October 7, 2008 Obviously, I didn't mean to post that twice... Link to post Share on other sites
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