Here we go again, another break or maybe it's a break-up!

[hurts so bad]

I have been lurking around, and decided it's time to post my story. I've been seriously dating this guy for 4 1/2 years. We are both in our lower 20's. About a week ago, I called him after I got off work and he didn't answer his phone (he has caller ID). I left a message for him to call me back, but he did not return my call. I proceeded to call him a couple more times that evening thinking something bad could have happened, but once again nothing. So the next day I decided to give it one more shot, so I called and left a message saying that I was confused on why he wouldn't answer or return my calls, asking him to please call me back. Well, needless to say, he didn't.

 

A couple of days later, I received an e-mail from him saying that he is confused and depressed about a lot of things. He said he is using this time to think about those things, including our relationship. And this is why he hasn't returned my calls. He also said to please forgive him, but he has to figure out what he is doing with his life, and once he gets a better grip on himself he will call. As much as I wanted to reply, I didn't for the simple reason, I didn't know what to say to that. Although it's clear he needs his space, I don't really know what this means? Are we broke up or just on a break?

 

Another point I should make is that the past 3 years (always around the same time, within weeks of each other) he has broken up with me. But he has always wanted me back. The reasons he has used in the past have been he is too stressed out at work, doesn't know what he wants, etc. I find this strange because it has become a pattern. Is there some sort of "medical condition" that he could have that makes him depressed around a certain time of the year?

 

I don't understand this at all. There were no "warning signs" that there was a problem. He was fine, when I had talked to him the night before. So, here I am beside myself. I have lost my appetite: I have lost sleep, and the ability to even think clearly. I have a full-time job, and I can't even concentrate. And I feel sick all of the time. At times I will just shake, and the tears just keep flowing.

 

I love this man with all of my heart, and I know he loves me. I just don't understand how you can do this to somebody. We have a very deep connection. We have the same interests and views on just about everything. I know everyone is probably thinking I am the dumbest girl on earth since he has done this to me so many times, but a part of me is missing without him. I am just hoping that he will realize that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. I can't let go. I am hurting so much, I can't even put it into words. My heart feels like it is in a million pieces. I'm dying inside, don't know what to do, and confused as ever. I really don't know how long I should wait for him to call. Thank you in advance for reading this long post, and for any advice or insight you might have.

[luvmyboys]

Well, seeing as you've been together for so long and are still quite young; I'd say he is feeling as though he is in a much too committed relationship than what he is ready for.

 

 

You've probably passed the teen years and entered young adulthood together and he may be feeling he wants to be more independant of you or maybe meet others.

 

That happened to me. I went with my highschool sweetheart from age 16-21 and although I loved him, and knew I always would, I felt as though I was too young to be tied down to just a one and only guy. He wanted to marry me but I kept telling him I wasn't ready to marry anyone. See, you go through a transition period from being a teen to an adult and sometimes you change, the boyfriend changes; you just grow in different directions.

 

Nonetheless, we both married others and still remained friends until his untimely death at age 37. Sometimes things happen for a reason and had I not ventured out to date others and married him instead, I never would have had married the husband I have now or have MY boys; and I would be a widow.

 

So sometimes it's best to just let your boyfriend take the time he needs. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he's just not ready at the level you are to be that full-time mate you want him to be.

 

If he breaks up with you and keeps wanting you back, he probably just misses the "comfortable" feeling he has with you. Once that feeling becomes routine, he breaks up with you again.

 

I'd say, don't be so available to him and move on and meet new men if you can. There is surely one out there that is more reliable than the guy you are dealing with now.

[emokid]

Yeah Girlie Girl,

 

I'd say Don't be bitter, Don't be the bad guy(or girl in your case)Don't get mad or hurt.

Just do what you need to do for your self. You guys are young. If he's always doing it and it seems like a pattern, he may be confused on what he wants and if he even wants to be in a long term relationship, at his age. That freaks some people out....They start thinking "Oh my god, my life is set, This is a serious thing, I'm gonna be with the same man/woman for the rest of my life, The pressure is on..." "I need to live my life and be wild and have fun...I can't do that if i'm in a relationship." Anyway, if it's happened more than once, He seems pretty wishy washy...i'd say be there for him, but move on. Be there for him to support him because you love him, but Don't hold your breath and wait around, get on with your life, meet new people, try new things, devote the time to yourself. If he really ,truly loved you, there should be no confusion.

[xyz_212]

are you sure im not dating the same guy!!!???? (kidding)

 

seriously - my boyfriend has said those things to me 'verbatim'! i swear.

we dated for 4 years and we broke up last saturday - its been a week and im sad and hurt and sick. but i couldnt stand the indescivness..

 

we both love each other but like the other post said.

 

if these guys were truly IN love with us - there would be NO confusion...

 

i have to believe that to make it through these hard days..

 

maybe we could use each others support.

[hurts so bad]

I could sure use some support right now, and it sounds like you could too. It's good to know that I'm not the only person going through this, although I feel so alone. I know I can't go through this every year for the rest of my life (the confusion, indecisiveness), but I also can't help how I feel. I love this man and I would probably go back to him in a heartbeat. As silly as that sounds, I want to be with him. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this man, and I just can't let go. Some people say "just get over him", "he's not worth it", "just forget him", and as easy as it is for them to say that, it's just not that easy. You know that too.

 

Thanks for posting to my reply.

[xyz_212]

...well, it is easier said than done. All of my friends and family have seen me through the years with my boyfriend and how our breaks or breakups were sad and he always came back and then wanted to jump ship again..

 

so basically they are telling me the same thing your friends and family are telling you 'move on' forget him'

 

on some level i feel fed up with my boyfriend and i just cant go through this another time with him - i am forcing myself to be strong and take care of myself. and while i CAN'T forget him (because i am in love with him) and i can't just MOVE ON... i CAN improve myself and take this opportunity that has been given to me and make the best out of a very depressing situation.

 

i tell myself what i have read on this board all week - if he really loves me and its true love than he should have no confusion!

 

also - since we both are in the SAME situation think about this:

 

they have kept us on a string for years back and forth etc etc.. and we have always gone back and forgiven but lets face it they have left some emotinal scars on us?! am i right? we love them and go back and then they do it all over again..

 

so why wouldnt our boyfriends always go back and forth - they get their 'time off' when they want it and then they always know we'll be back for them. maybe this time we shouldnt go back . maybe WE need a year off to go out and do other things.

 

I am speaking for myself now - and thats what im doing. I feel that i have gone back too many times and while i love him and want to be him with him - there is a line i have to draw.. my boyfriend has some stuff to figure out and if we are truly in love than a year from now or however long he and i will work it out and make things right..

 

but i cant let him keep controlling 'when the time is right" and so on

 

who knows maybe in my time away from him - ill meet someone else that i could possibly LOVE MORE>. (i know its sounds foreign right? my mom assures me its possible and she pretty much has always given me great advice - so im trusting my mom once again)

 

sorry for the rant - long post - it helps to type it out and i know it willhelp to read.

remember that im in the same boat with you!

[hurts so bad]

I couldn't have said it any better myself. I am also sick of having to deal with "space", and feel it is very selfish on his part. I hate that he has so much "power and control" over me, knowing that I am sitting here waiting on him, while he has his "free time". And whenever he is ready for the responsibility of a relationship, I will be here and everything will go back to normal. But I also can't help the way I feel. I wish I could be stronger, and say "I have too much pride in myself, and I refuse to let you do this to me again." He knows how much I care about him, and that I would have a hard time doing this.

 

Yes, I would definitely say that he has left "emotional scars" on me. I often wonder how you could do this to someone that you love. And then I start to doubt that he even cared about me at all, but down deep I know he did. I could feel it, see it in his eyes, and hear it in his voice. And then there is the trust issue. I don't know that I could ever trust him to not do this again. And as we all know, a relationship is based on trust.

 

It also makes me sick to my stomach, just thinking about being with someone else....And I often feel that we are the perfect match and there is no way I could love someone anymore than I do him. It's just so hard.

 

It really helped reading that post, so don't be sorry. It's helpful to get your feelings out, especially to someone who knows how you feel.

[xyz_212]

Hi - i just wanted to check in to see how your doing?

 

my ex just sent me a letter about 5 days ago - explaining his reasons and 'hopes for us in the future' its so crazy that he thinks he can just do everything on his watch and never consider what i want and need. he wrote in the letter that a 'year break would best for us' because he wants to be with me forever and 'this way we wont have any resentments or regrets towards each other'

 

this is very strange to me - my translation of this letter is this " - oh sure... i need a year off to mess around and get it out of my system - then id like to take you out of the closet ive been storing you in for a year and commit for real this time"

 

PU-LEASE! enough is enough!

 

i love him like crazy but its time for a bit of self respect on my part.! im doing ok im strong for about 3 or 4 days and then i cry a little and get it out of my system - i think about him everyday - but every day is getting easier - just like they say..

 

well - i just wanted to update you on MY scenario and check in on you.

 

hope all is well!..

[hurts so bad]

Well, honestly I feel like I am going crazy inside. It's been 2 1/2 weeks since he started this, and I haven't heard a thing. I don't want to hurt anymore...I just want the pain to go away. I feel it is a never ending battle. Today I cried all afternoon at work, and the entire way home. I feel sick to my stomach most of the time. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I am emotionally and physically drained. I don't know what is going to happen, and that scares me. I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, and that I can't go through this one more time. But I also can't just turn my feelings off. All I know, is that he better be "contacting" me soon.

 

Well, I'm glad to hear that you are doing better. I have been reading all of your posts, and that letter confuses me a bit. It's obvious that this guy really cares about you but, he's being very selfish expecting you to still be available a year from now. He wants his freedom for a year.....then you guys can just pick up where you left off? It could happen, but it's not fair to you. Well, keep us posted on what happened tonight when he came over to talk......Stay strong girl! Thanks for checking in!