Trying not to be a bit*h

[BestEffort]

Like many others, I can’t get over the fact that I think my girlfriend slept around a lot, and grapple with how to get over it. I know I am being a little bitch about it, and am also very hypocritical. This is the first time I ever posted something like this, so bear with me if this seems like a diary entry, and have already answered most of my own questions

 

My girlfriend and me are both 25 and have been dating exclusively for about 14 months. My last girlfriend was with far less people than I but it still bothered me to think about it. However, I did not really struggle with it and it was not an issue. So when I started dating my current girlfriend, I knew I didn’t want any knowledge of her past. A couple months after dating she asked how many people I was with. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it, but she kept pushing. I told her about 12, and left it at that. I didn’t want to know her number, and was fine with it. Also, she commonly made comments about other girls being sluts, and I happily figured she hadn’t been with too many herself. Yet that same night we went out to eat and we were joking about something random and I made the offhand comment that I make the ladies go crazy. He response was, "What, all 10 of them?" The only conclusion I could make was that she was giving me sh*t because I hadn’t been with as many people as her. Rather than let my imagination run wild, I then had to know her #. She said it was 17. While it was not a lot more than me, it has been eating me up inside for the last year. I have even talked about this with her. She feels bad, but tells me it shouldn’t matter, and that it was before we met. This is true, but I still can’t help but look at her differently, just as she looks at other girls differently when calling them sluts. What kills me is I told her I didn’t want to know, she drug it out of me, and even when I was fine with being ignorant, she technically made fun of me for not being with as many. My first problem is just getting over it and not being a bitch, cause in reality she hasn’t been with too many more than me.

 

However, I cant help but think about the fact that the girls I have always respected, and seen myself marrying were those that were only with around 5 people. And understood that it does make a difference, and didn’t want to tell the man they loved that they had been very promiscuous.

 

It also bothered me that she dated a guy for years during college who cheated on her constantly, and it took her years to break up with him. How can I respect someone who doesn’t respect themself.

 

She also is somewhat timid in bed. The sex is good, and she is always interested if I am, but she almost never initiates it. She also rarely goes down on me. And our foreplay is always one sided. She says she is not that comfortable doing it. But I cant help but think that she was comfortable enough to f**k 17 people, but she is not comfortable enough to go down on me, someone she says makes her happier than she thought possible and wants to marry me.

 

When we have talked about how many people she was with she says she didn’t have 1 night stands and only was with someone she cared about. So then every time I hang out with her friends I wonder if I am talking with a guy she f**ked.

 

Its hard to cherish and be faithful to someone when you have issues respecting who they were before you met them.

 

Part of me thinks that maybe I will get over it if I fool around on her, cause why should I be faithful to someone who slept around. But then I have to check myself, cause it is stupid to think that I can get over her past by cheating on her, and then somehow it wont bother me and we can stay together and hopefully get married someday. I also know that while I believe that with time I will get over her #, I will most likely always be guilty about cheating

 

And its not like I am worried that she got it better from someone else than I can do. About a month ago she actually told me that she hadn’t had an orgasm from actual sex before me (she had from someone going down on her, but that’s it.

 

It also bothers me sometimes when she talks about being a cheerleader all high school and college as well as being team managers. If she likes sports so much then she should have played them. Sometimes I can’t help but think she is a jersey chaser.

 

She also makes comments about me acting really horny with her and asks if I was with tons of people in college. I never say it, but the first thing that comes to my mind is, “well I haven’t f**ked as many people as you did.”

 

I’m confident in myself, and how many people I have been with. But I made a point not to f**k sluts. And I know she would never cheat on me and loves me more that anyone else she has known, but my mind just runs with these thoughts.

 

 

I know its extremely hypocritical to judge someone for only sleeping with a couple more people than I did, but no one can claim that even girls, sometimes even more so, judge other girls for being sluts harder than they do guys. There are some double standards. Girls are sometimes written off based upon how many people they have been with. Guys are valued by how much money they make.

 

I just want it to go away. I really love her and can see myself with her for the rest of my life, I just cant help but dwell on the fact that the girl I love f**ked lots of random dudes, talks sh*t about other girls being sluts, and then is timid in our sex life.

[Caitlan]

QUOTE: I know its extremely hypocritical to judge someone for only sleeping with a couple more people than I did, but no one can claim that even girls, sometimes even more so, judge other girls for being sluts harder than they do guys. There are some double standards. Girls are sometimes written off based upon how many people they have been with. Guys are valued by how much money they make.

 

It is hypocritical for you to say she is a slut for sleeping with 5 more people then you did. That would mean that you are even worse a slut. You say you think you're being a hypocrit about this yet it is really how you feel inside. Aside from that, you seem to have other issues with her and honestly she sounds immature with her comments you stated in your post. First... why not talk to her about the sexual things you feel are lacking. Simply tell her in a non-threatening way that you'd like her to do certain things that you'd enjoy. If you don't talk about it it will NEVER change.... and trust me... if you think things are lacking now sexually it will get so much worse once you're married. If a woman doesn't like to go down on a man that is not going to change either. You will have to get used to that one if you stay with her.

 

Things have changed.... men that sleep around are no different then women that sleep around, yet woman are loose and easy and men are cool and hot when they do. That is such b.s. What you have to look at is if this is going to bother you so much then you need to find someone that is more to your liking. You can't have it both ways.... either that or you really have to realize that she is with you now and the past is the past. Ask yourself how you would feel if the woman you were with thought you werent worthy of her because of your past .. a past that you can't change now.

[onlyicansee]

Hey man, I know how you feel: it sucks! There is not a whole lot you can do man, except for accepting her or letting her go. The feelings of jealousy will never really go away, and you will probably always have issues with her past. There are men who have been struggling with this exact situation their entire lives because they thought it would eventually subside: but it didn't.

 

I have been dealing with it now for longer than I would like, and its like a roller coaster. One second its great, the next its horrible. Take it from me, if your not invested in this relationship end it now. I wish I would have ended it with my gf before it got to this point, but now there are too many ties between us to call it quits and it has only gotten worse.

 

It sucks when you **** your gf and it reminds you that 17 other dicks have been there too. And how about you, she wont even give you head but I am sure she didnt mind giving #'s 1-13 head and it probably wasnt until #14 made her choke on his dick did she get turned off by it, and now you pay the price. It sucks but these are the kinds of things that you will have to deal with.

 

My gf was a slut, and she probably still is a slut, and if it was not for me she would most definitely be out there still having casual **** buddies. It eats me up inside when I imagine her giving the most vulnerable part of her body to so many men so easly. Ill be honest, my gf sounds way sluttier than yours. If I were you, I would count my blessings or move on.

[sweet&simple]

It sounds like she made some offhand comment that would be an appropriate joke to say back and you took it the wrong way.. sorry, that's just my opinion.

 

Also-- have you ever been cheated on? Do you know what's it's like to invest years of your life into someone just to find out what they've been doing behind your back? Do you think maybe she wanted to fix things with that ex who cheated on her because she didn't want to realize she had been wasting all her time and effort? Trust me, I know what that's like.. and again, not being a dick or whatever, but you come off as a real ******* for saying something like that. Every one makes mistakes and gets in to relationships or stays in relationship they shouldn't have. It happens. Just because you feel she didn't "respect herself," then has NO AFFECT on who she is now or how she is with you.

 

Also, ****ing someone is quite a bit different from enjoying going down on someone.. maybe she didn't like doing that with other guys either.. some girls don't.

 

Why should you be faithful to someone who has slept around? How about because SHE has been faithful to YOU. Before you.. yeah, she was with a lot of people.. but she didn't even know you, and she's put in 14 months of being exclusive with you.

 

So cheerleading isn't a sport to you? You don't feel that was physically demanding? And you're upset that the people, particularly guys she was around were sports players that she must be some slutty jock lover?

 

I honestly think you should break up with her so she can find someone who will be faithful, will cherish her, and respects her.. that's the main thing I got from your post.. your lack of respect for her. Hell, let her read that and ask her how she feels. If my boyfriend said those things about me I'd be gone in a heartbeat.

[sweet&simple]

Hey man, I know how you feel: it sucks! There is not a whole lot you can do man, except for accepting her or letting her go. The feelings of jealousy will never really go away, and you will probably always have issues with her past. There are men who have been struggling with this exact situation their entire lives because they thought it would eventually subside: but it didn't.

 

I have been dealing with it now for longer than I would like, and its like a roller coaster. One second its great, the next its horrible. Take it from me, if your not invested in this relationship end it now. I wish I would have ended it with my gf before it got to this point, but now there are too many ties between us to call it quits and it has only gotten worse.

 

It sucks when you **** your gf and it reminds you that 17 other dicks have been there too. And how about you, she wont even give you head but I am sure she didnt mind giving #'s 1-13 head and it probably wasnt until #14 made her choke on his dick did she get turned off by it, and now you pay the price. It sucks but these are the kinds of things that you will have to deal with.

 

My gf was a slut, and she probably still is a slut, and if it was not for me she would most definitely be out there still having casual **** buddies. It eats me up inside when I imagine her giving the most vulnerable part of her body to so many men so easly. Ill be honest, my gf sounds way sluttier than yours. If I were you, I would count my blessings or move on.

 

Wow. Why are you with her if she's such a slut?

 

Do you call her a slut to her face?

[2nd-Best]

Oh Jesus, I would be a "WHORE" to you then.. lol

 

think of it this way, if you are constantly in short relationships say 3-4 months long and after a bit you sleep with them and you do this a few time a year and say she is 25 and lost her virginity around 15-16 like most people do.. then we're talking like 35 guys in a matter of 10 years, now.... thats usually not the case and the fact that she is HALF that, and everyone has had a couple one night stands in their lives... 17 is not all that many.

 

If it matters SOOO much to you about a stupid number!! maybe she just has had alot of brief relationships, 17 doesnt mean they were 17 random guys.. if it matters to you SOOO much then go to church and try to pick up a virgin, but i can gaurentee you that that virgin will eventually either cheat on you or leave you because of their lack of sexual experiences.. I'd say GET OVER IT!

[whichwayisup]

F**king and making love are two different things.

 

Anyway, everyone has a past and it should NOT be held against them. What counts is thet NOW.

 

If you can't handle her past, then end it and find a girl who hasn't slept with too many guys.

 

As for why she won't do oral, well maybe she just isn't it that or she finds it TOO sexual to do with you, rather than it being an act of love. And, for her being shy in bed with you, again, it's because it MEANS something and she is nervous, self conscious of making sure she pleases you.

 

At the end of the day, all that crap doesn't matter. If you love her and she loves you, and you guys have a good thing going then let it go.

[BestEffort]

Thanks for all your replies. My post really just helped me get everything off my chest, and your replies were good if just to have someone else to tell me to stop crying about it. She is such a great girl, and Im very lucky to have her. By the time I finished my post I realized I already was over it.

 

Its such a stupid thing, but it does naturally bother guys to think about. A few guys said that I will never get over it, but I have. I just needed to hear how stupid I sounded.

[BentSpine]

It's more male instinct than something you come to grips with intellectually.

 

You don't feel uncomfortable because she had sex with several before you. You feel uncomfortable because of the fear that each of the guys didn't value her highly; That they didn't have to prove, over time, that they valued her greatly.

 

The male instinct not to highly value a woman who gives it up quickly, will understandably be threatening to women whose numbers are high. Luckily, variation within the population gives them hope that some men won't have as big a problem with this. This gives hope to easy women of finding a partner who appreciates them. But evolution dictates that fewer of their offspring will reach maturity, otherwise the instinct couldn't have become prevailing in men.

 

If contraceptives had eradicated the gender differences with regards to emotions around sex, women would not yearn for the after sex cuddling. But even women on contraceptives DO want to lie with their lover in bed afterwards. I'd say because women instinctually know that their lover has no interest in them, besides sex, if he ups and leaves immediately after the deed.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I just want it to go away. I really love her and can see myself with her for the rest of my life, I just cant help but dwell on the fact that the girl I love f**ked lots of random dudes, talks sh*t about other girls being sluts, and then is timid in our sex life.

 

She sounds stupid.

 

Good thing she is off the market, I wouldn't want to get tangled up with a woman like that. You go and marry her! Take one for the team!