Change or stay? Where is the happiness?

[Abbi]

I have a problem which needs some insight and advice from those who have been there.

 

I was married 3.5 years ago to my partner who I had been seeing for 3 years. I was 24 when married, now 27. Met him at 19. I had lived overseas before meeting him and had many experiences, but relatively unstable upbringing. I think I found his total devotion from the beginning, very secure and comfortable after many bad years. What's more he is handsome, smart, kind and generous. He more or less fell in love with me from the beginning and made it clear. I never really fell in love with him, although I really enjoyed being together. Over time, I grew to love him and he really is my closest friend now.

 

I never felt sexually attracted to him, although we have both grown and learnt alot together over the past 7 years. However, there was never a spark. I found it difficult getting excited by him and told him eventually. He made an effort, although disappointed, to change and will do anything to please me. We do have fun, but I never really feel anything in my heart during lovemaking etc. I tried to ignore this for a long time, but now have resigned myself to the fact that I can't change this inherent response and fantasise about whatever makes me happy. Before marriage, I had an affair with a friend to find out whether I would be happy with someone else but it didn't help. I enjoyed the time with the other man, it was a liberating experience, but I decided to get married.

 

I really felt when I was married that it wasn't the right thing to do, as it simply didn;t feel right and I constantly felt attracted to other men. However, on the face of it he was a wonderful, kind, comitted person and my best friend and I really couldn't say no, even though when he proposed I thought I shouldn't accept. I was wishing there was a way to escape. But, as I had tried to break up a few times before and he begged me to stay, and knowing that he would hate me after, which he has made clear would happen, I couldn't leave him as we are so close and it would be a pity to have that lost forever.

 

Over the last 12 months I have started to feel exceedingly sad about this situation as I would love to be happy with him. I have tried to make myself "happy" from the beginning, but it doesn't work. Sometimes, people ask me when did I know he was the man for me, and I have to lie because I never ever felt he was the right one in my heart.

 

I am trying to work out if my unhappiness is my making and I can change it or if it is not possible to change it. I am also trying to establish what is important - the friendship we have and hostory together, or whether sexual satisfaction and recoginition of being in love with someone are more important. I have no idea and this has confused me for so long.

 

I should also mention that there are some things causing conflict that he is aware of, aside from these issues he doesn't know of. Mainly that I gave up a chance to study overseas as he was a bit reluctant to let me go. And I decided not to. Also, I feel that he never really saw who I am, but what he wanted to see, and made me into what he wanted to suit his needs. I also feel strongly that we just don't connect and we never really talk about anything except for politics or social issues, where we have genuine dialogue. I never felt that connection with him, which every now and then I get with someone overwhelmingly and realise that's what it feels like. He doesn't make me laugh, generally he's a negative person and doesn't talk alot and is not very sociable. He has alot of pressure at work, but that's not an excuse for making my life miserable. I really wish I could shake him and make him see who I am, because it scares me when I meet someone who I do connect with as I want to know them more.

 

Recently, I have also had approaches from other men and have come to like a few quite well who just make me laugh and feel happy. I would love to have the opportunity to go further with them, and would if it was clear there was no repurcussions. But I know I should make a clear step one way or the other regarding my husband and situation.

 

I really would appreciate it if someone could give advise about this situation with their professional or personal experiences.

[Tony T]

You really don't have a marriage here. Furthermore, the man you are living with knows this but selfishly insists that you stay and suffer through the only life you will live on planet earth.

 

There is little good stuff you are getting from this relationship. You didn't want to be a part of it in the first place. You had not yet learned to listen to and trust that faint voice within that always guides us. You cannot change him and you will never wake up and suddenly desire him passionately. (Miracles do happen but this is not likely).

 

You describe other areas of communcations and homelife that sound pretty poor too. What's going on here? H E L L O !!!

 

There are many people who are in situations like this and they are unhappy to varying degrees. It seems that sex is very important to you and you want to share that experience with someone who turns you on and with whom you are compatible. Sex is a very important component of being human...and of being married. Over a period of years you will acquire a deep anger at yourself and at the man you live with for hanging in there.

 

Normally, I would recommend one final try at getting this together...but I'm afraid it just won't work.

 

You are a young woman with many years ahead of you. You have not even arrived at your sexual peak.

 

You need to go off alone for a few days and really give this some thought. The question to ponder is do you want to live this kind of life with this man for eternity? I don't think you are where you want to be for the rest of your life.

 

If you make a decision to leave, you will have to do it quickly and skillfully. I don't think you will take long to heal from this ordeal. Normally, I really hate to advise people who think they are married to split...but in your case it's a no brainer...and YOU KNOW IT!!!

 

You aren't getting anything out of this relationship, you never did, you didn't want to get married in the first place. Since marriage is a contract and you did not have a desire to enter into it, there was no meeting of the minds and no valid contract exists...in my opinion.

 

Go get some romance, lady!!!

[Nicky]

You really don't have a marriage here. Furthermore, the man you are living with knows this but selfishly insists that you stay and suffer through the only life you will live on planet earth. There is little good stuff you are getting from this relationship. You didn't want to be a part of it in the first place. You had not yet learned to listen to and trust that faint voice within that always guides us. You cannot change him and you will never wake up and suddenly desire him passionately. (Miracles do happen but this is not likely). You describe other areas of communcations and homelife that sound pretty poor too. What's going on here? H E L L O !!! There are many people who are in situations like this and they are unhappy to varying degrees. It seems that sex is very important to you and you want to share that experience with someone who turns you on and with whom you are compatible. Sex is a very important component of being human...and of being married. Over a period of years you will acquire a deep anger at yourself and at the man you live with for hanging in there. Normally, I would recommend one final try at getting this together...but I'm afraid it just won't work. You are a young woman with many years ahead of you. You have not even arrived at your sexual peak. You need to go off alone for a few days and really give this some thought. The question to ponder is do you want to live this kind of life with this man for eternity? I don't think you are where you want to be for the rest of your life. If you make a decision to leave, you will have to do it quickly and skillfully. I don't think you will take long to heal from this ordeal. Normally, I really hate to advise people who think they are married to split...but in your case it's a no brainer...and YOU KNOW IT!!! You aren't getting anything out of this relationship, you never did, you didn't want to get married in the first place. Since marriage is a contract and you did not have a desire to enter into it, there was no meeting of the minds and no valid contract exists...in my opinion. Go get some romance, lady!!!

I rarely advise people in marriages to split, without trying some counselling or reconciliation. But in your case, I'll make an exception.

 

You married a friend and not a lover. The sexual feelings have never been there, and it's extremely unlikely that this will change. Sex is not the be all and end all, but it is an integral part of communication. It is a way of expressing our affection and emotions. It is intimacy.

 

You don't appear to have experienced the depth of emotions in lovemaking, that usually occurs between two people who love each other deeply. It's not just about sex that has you swinging from the chandeliers, but "love-making".

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but I think you are living a lie, and it's unfair on both of you. Even if he never wanted you to leave and would have been hurt, that's no reason to stay, and you're abdicating responsibilty by suggesting he persuaded you into it somehow. You did have a choice. And I think you have consistently not been honest with yourself or him. Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees, and I think this was the case for you. But now you do know what's going on, and it's time to decide.

 

There's never a good time to finish with anybody, but whilst you're both stuck in this relationship, which cannot be truly healthy for either of you, you are preventing each other from living your lives honestly, and finding people who can make you much happier.

 

If you don't do something soon, it sounds like you'll end up being unfaithful. I am a firm believer that the truth always comes out in the end. If he is such a good friend, would you want to inflict this immense pain on him? Don't you think you should end things respectfully, rather than end up cheating on him? I know what I'd choose. He sounds like he is a very dear friend. Treat him as one.

 

All the best.

[Abby]

Yes I understand what you are both saying here. I have more or less come up with the same basis as to what's wrong and what I need to do.

 

It was very relieving to get some perspective on it though. I have been thinking through the issues during the week while we have been together, it seems really difficult to approach the matter and think that this would all be over. Let alone make a final decision that I have to leave. I need to be able to talk to him about it, in a caring and firm way, but have no idea how to. As soon as I even approach difficult issues, he gets defensive. As I said, I have in the past, tried to break up a few times and gave up, and he was hurt by this and feels quite insecure now.

 

I wonder if there would be anyway to change the way I feel, and what would be the best way to discover that, and make him be part of the process in a non-threatening way. Or, if I have to end it soon, what type of steps or approach should be taken to make it as easy as possible?

 

I am just worried not about "what other people think", as I will do what I want anyway, but about how to make people understand my decision. There are two close people who have guessed I am not entirely happy, but I will not be able to face "our" friends, mostly his, and will end up losing most of my social group, some very close people. Also, my family love him as he has always been 100% supportive and reliable and I get on very well with his family and would miss them greatly.

 

More than anything, I would miss his friendship and I don't know how we'd go when it got to the point of living separately, but wanting to know what's going on with each other. I really enjoy just having a drink of wine together and talking about the world etc, and would really miss the little things like this. Also, our animals would need to be separated and he loves them so much, I don't know how we could arrange this.

 

I don't know if it's best to stay friends and let him make the decision whether he could do this, as I know I would like to, but it would be hard as he will consider me not a friend, but may realise in time that it is possible to be one.

 

What Nicky said made me realise that I should do something. I have already justified the idea of cheating for satisfaction, but I would not want to hurt him as a friend and it would be much better to break as we are than when there is guilt attached to it and dishonesty. I could honestly feel better about a clean break.

 

Very confused about it all. If he wants to try and work things out, not sure how to handle it. I don't want to make up my mind 100% until I have discussed it with him. What's more, my aunt and uncle are breaking up as she wants space and we have been talking about it and he says he cannot understand this and that it is just a cop out so he will be there when it suits her, not him. Which may be the case. But, in our case, I don;t want to ask for space as it will anger him, but don't know what to do if he wants to work on it.

 

I would appreciate your thoughts on this.

 

Thanks.

 

I rarely advise people in marriages to split, without trying some counselling or reconciliation. But in your case, I'll make an exception. You married a friend and not a lover. The sexual feelings have never been there, and it's extremely unlikely that this will change. Sex is not the be all and end all, but it is an integral part of communication. It is a way of expressing our affection and emotions. It is intimacy. You don't appear to have experienced the depth of emotions in lovemaking, that usually occurs between two people who love each other deeply. It's not just about sex that has you swinging from the chandeliers, but "love-making".

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but I think you are living a lie, and it's unfair on both of you. Even if he never wanted you to leave and would have been hurt, that's no reason to stay, and you're abdicating responsibilty by suggesting he persuaded you into it somehow. You did have a choice. And I think you have consistently not been honest with yourself or him. Sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees, and I think this was the case for you. But now you do know what's going on, and it's time to decide. There's never a good time to finish with anybody, but whilst you're both stuck in this relationship, which cannot be truly healthy for either of you, you are preventing each other from living your lives honestly, and finding people who can make you much happier. If you don't do something soon, it sounds like you'll end up being unfaithful. I am a firm believer that the truth always comes out in the end. If he is such a good friend, would you want to inflict this immense pain on him? Don't you think you should end things respectfully, rather than end up cheating on him? I know what I'd choose. He sounds like he is a very dear friend. Treat him as one. All the best.