...Is there any trust? New information...

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Hello everyone. I know normally I write spastic posts whenever I feel uncomfortable about a situation in a relationship. It really helps me to vent how I feel and I address it properly with my boyfriend. For instance, last post I was upset about my boyfriend meeting with a girl I did not know and hiding it from me. I simply asked him who she was and asked him more about her. I do not flip out on him. I am calm in real life. But on the inside, sometimes I do feel upset.

 

Anyway, this post is different in that I am not writing immediately after feeling something. I have taken a night to sit on it and think. Last night I met with a friend of mine and we went for a walk. We hadn't seen each other in awhile. I had been friends with her for a bit and she had suggested we get together last week to which I said "Of course" since I have always gotten along well with her. When I told my BF about it, he made the comment that that was awkward since that was one of his EX-gf's best friends. I did not know that because I never knew his Ex-Gf and she is studying abroad this semester, therefore is not on his campus. I do not know who her friends are. I do not attend school there. L (my friend) and I go to Hillel together (a Jewish organization on campus) and have known each other for a year. I did not meet my BF until July.

 

Anyway, L and I caught up. We had a coffee then went on a walk. She asked me how my summer was and what I had been doing. First we talked about a lot of different subjects such as feminism and politics and then of course, we got into our personal lives. I told her that I had been dating my BF and that now we were together. She asked me who he was and I told her. She immediately told me that I should be careful and to look out for myself. She told me she knew my BF through one of her good friends, who is my BF's ex and then told me how their relationship ended. What she told me was compltely different from the story that my BF told me...I had always thought something did not add up in his story to me. I always had the feeling something was false. Apparently, according to L, my BF and his ex (we will call her A) ended after my BF's mom died...A had been cheating on him throughout, which my BF knew about. My BF told A that his mother's dying wish was that he and A get married and ended up together. A broke up with my BF. He flipped out about it and kept continuing to try and contact her and did a lot of different things like this.

 

My BF told me when we met that he and A broke up because he did not want to be with her anymore. He claims that it was his mother's dying wish that he break up with A and that he live a good life. He told me he could not wait to be rid of her and that he stopped contact immediately. He claims that he had been planning on dumping her for months.

 

I am not sure what to think of this...I am confused because when my BF and I first started dating he reiterated to me that our relationship is going to be based on trust. I feel as if, if this is true, that this relationship is not based on trust but I am already falling for him. We have never fought and have not had any issues together. The last time I posted, I posted about a girl he was meeting with...he explained to me the situation and then it was dropped. We did not fight about it.

 

I did not lie to him about how my Ex and I ended as I have no reason to...I told him everything truthful about the situation. I feel, if he did lie to me, that it is very disrespectful!

 

I have always wondered, though, if my BF is lying to me about certain things and a lot of it has to do with his EX. She is studying abroad this semester and is returning in January. They have been broken up for 5 months. I wonder about the way they broke up. I wonder about whether he is still in contact with her. I really do wonder these things. Also, I have noticed little white lies...for example, he was randomly online and started talking about how this random chic from his English class sent him a friend request and he had no idea why. I did not ask him about it because I didn't care...people randomly friend me all the time. It's not abnormal. But then when he was checking his E-Mail next to me, I saw an Email from facebook with the subject saying that this girl had accepted his friend request. It does not bother me as I am friends with several guys on Facebook, but it DID bother me that he would tell a white lie like that...why lie over something so inane? Why even bring it up if you are going to lie about it? It is very strange to me.

 

I guess I am very confused about trust because I do not trust my BF completely. I was especially confused after talking with my friend last night. This makes me review situations in my mind. What do you think? Should I tell my BF about L and I's conversations and about the white lies I have noticed?

[Trialbyfire]

b2b, I consolidated your entire situation into two points:

 

1. You know your b/f tells useless little white lies to you and lies by omission.

2. You've now heard a completely opposite version of his last break up.

 

What does this signal to the logical side of your mind?

[konfuzd]

Sometimes people change the details of the break up in order to save their own ego. I think in some cases, they even convince themselves that they were the dumper, becuase it puts them ahead. Who actually did the breaking up is really irrelevant to you. I don't see any point in rehashing the details of the break up, but if you feel it necessary to know if he's still in touch with her, or if he still has feelings for her focus on that.

 

You also have to be careful when you are recieving 2nd hand information. It could be the ex who changed the details of the break up.

 

I got together with an ex 3 years after we broke up. We were sitting over drinks, and he brought up our break up, and how he was the one who dumped me. In reality, I broke up with him so I could pursue a career in a different city. I argued at first, but then realised that if it makes him feel better to believe that he was in control of the situation, so be it. I've moved on to bigger and better things.

 

As for the facebook girl, I think it's a bit odd that he'd lie about who sent who the request, but maybe he's just worried that you'll get jealous if you know he's seeking out girls as his online friends.

 

I guess in the bigger picture, if you do have doubts or trust issues with this guy, you should deal with that. I'm not sure that bringing up this nitpicky stuff will really have any positive effect. Look at his overall behavior, does he give any signals he may be cheating, or planning to see his ex when she's back from her studies? Do you trust him?