Am I really into him or not?

[brightness]

I just started dating this guy I met online. We talked on the phone for about week before we met. Our conversations were great - we both seem to want the same thing (a healthy, committed relationship) and have a lot in common. We sent pictures to each other and I thought he was good looking in all of his pictures. Well, when we finally met in person, I found myself a bit turned off. I know this sounds shallow, but I thought he was a bit too skinny and I hate the way he dresses. Nevertheless, I've kept seeing him because I think that he's a really great person. He has a lot to offer and is really good to me. I am just confused. Everytime he goes to kiss or touch me, a part of me flinches. I still kiss him and hold hands but I don't really feel any "fireworks." I don't know if it's because I am just not attracted to him at all - or if it's because he is so affectionate and comes off somewhat clingy/needy. I've told him that I want to take things slow physically because I've rushed things in the past and have ended up getting hurt. I just can't decide if I really not attracted to him specifically (although I've certainly gone out with and fallen for less attractive guys) or if it's just the fact that he's coming off as needy and suffocating me. He keeps making it worse because he starts questioning my feelings for him already and keeps asking me what I'm thinking every 5 minutes! It's a huge turn-off! I want him to be confident and self-assured.

 

In the past I've only dating guys are more often than not, commitmentphobic, and I end up being the one that is trying to get them to commit to me! Now, I meet a guy who actually wants a relationship and has all the core qualities I'm looking for, but I don't know if I want to be with him. What is my problem? I don't know what to do. Does anyone have any advice for me?

[amaysngrace]

I would say not. Not if you flinch when he touches you. That's not a good sign. Something's creeping you out there.

 

It could also be you've just been programmed by the commitmentphobes of your past. When you say he's too skinny and dresses badly that is a convenient way of finding bad in a good person that you may bail out on later. Commitmentphobes typically find one or two qualities in a person that they just cannot ever accept.

 

Do you guys talk a lot like everyday or something because it may be you're rushing this relationship along too quickly for your own comfort. If I were you I'd back off a little and be less available to him a little as well.

 

It's hard to feel your feelings when they're all cluttered up. Take it slow.

[brightness]

Thanks for the advice. We do talk every day and we have been spending quite a bit of time together. I am just afraid that if I tell him that we should slow things down by seeing less of each other, he'll get even more insecure. I think he's been hurt a lot in the past so he needs constant reassurance that I like him. That's what drives me crazy.

 

I think I'm just not used to someone being SO into me and wanting to see me so much. I feel very overwhelmed. Maybe I will tell him that we need to take things slow altogether and see if that helps me sort out my feelings. He either has to understand that or not. If he really likes me, I suppose he's going to be willing to slow down a bit.

[Yamaha]

I know this sounds shallow, but I thought he was a bit too skinny and I hate the way he dresses.

 

Your reaction to him being skinny and not liking his dress has colored your opinion of him. I would guess it won't matter how good he is to you because you have already decided he is not the "one" and have rejected him. I would let him go as you are not into him.

[Geishawhelk]

...... I am just afraid that if I tell him that we should slow things down by seeing less of each other, he'll get even more insecure. I think he's been hurt a lot in the past so he needs constant reassurance that I like him. That's what drives me crazy.

 

 

Now as far as I am concerned you need to stop right here.

Look at what you are doing....

You are taking responsibility for supposed experiences he has had in the past and attempting to make up for them.

 

The fact is, that actually, you are not into him. And you know that. And having to reassure him is driving you crazy on different levels:

ONE:

You don't actually want to do it, because you don't want to reassure him. You don't click. It's that simple.

 

TWO: neediness in a man so early into a relationship is frustrating. Especially as you're not into him.

 

THREE: His feelings of insecurity are for him to work on, not you to make allowances for.

You can't be held responsible for what happened to him in the past, and you cannot be held responsible for how he feels about that now.

It's his baggage.

 

I hate to tell you, but if nothing's buzzed for you yet - it's unlikely to do so in the future.

You need to be fair to this guy and let him down gently.

NOW.

Because further down the line, it will only be worse.

see....you'll have unwittingly fed his insecurity.....