I'm burned out.

[DistantMan]

Funny how I am usually the one that is listening to other people and offering them advice on situations they have gotten themselves in. Now I find myself on the other side and this time and I do not know what to do. Therefore, I come to you all for advice.

 

I’ve placed myself in a situation that I do not want to be in, it’s a situation that shouldn’t of ever gotten this far and I’m at fault for it and I accept that. I should know better, but I guess I just did not use my head this time.

 

Short story of it is this. About 5 or 6 years ago, I met a girl online, we live like 2,000 miles apart, we became good friends, and it involved into an “online relationship”. I admit that I had feelings for her. She is nice, she is very sweet, down to earth and open and honest. She is level headed, she is on track with her life and she is more mature at her age then most.

 

We talked all the time both online and off-line on the phone, we got to know each other and such. Well the first time I started to realize that being 2,000 miles apart was rough. I soon found it hard to love someone whom seen me but I never saw a picture of her.

 

Eventually it was to the point every single day from the time I got home till the time I went to bed we was talking. To me, this took a lot out of me because I began to slack on things I needed and I wanted my free time. I didn’t want to be stuck talking on the phone or internet during all my free time, who could blame me?

 

My mistake is I didn’t talk to her, instead I was a coward and I ran away from it all just leaving her dry. Literally, I ignored her, stopped taking her call and blew her off completely. This happened for about a year, during this year she never quit trying to make contact with me.

 

Towards the end I was thinking you know, she has always been there for me when nobody else was, she cares about me obviously a lot if she still holding onto hopes of us being together in real life, she never gave up on us, she cared for me unlike other people.

 

So, a few months ago we just began talking again and at first I felt love for her. I loved talking to her and it was like we rekindled old flames.. she fell back in love with me and even her own family has mentioned that I’m the only guy that she has ever said “I love you” to.

 

She obviously cares a lot about me, she tells me how in love she is with me and how she wants us to be together forever. Here’s my situation….. I’m literally spending all my free time talking to her. From the time I get home and well… she is so into falling asleep over the phone on the phone with each other.

 

I love her voice, but I’m burned out. I mean I have no free time, I’ve totally blew my diet and quit working out because every single night of the week we are talking, she never wants to hang up, to even say goodbye it takes 20 minutes for her to do it even after I’m like “ok… I gotta go”. I’m burned out.

 

I haven’t ever said anything to her though, I do not have the heart to do so. I tell her I’m in love with her and have told her in the past that she will always have my heart. I’m totally at fault, perhaps borderline a**hole for doing so.

 

But at first I *thought* I was in love with her, I care about her, but the thing is she is 2,000 miles away and I am happy where I’m at and I do not want to move. This is where my family is at, I have a great job with great pay, my parents will be GIVING me my own house FREE when they retire and move.

 

I really love this area and I really do not want to move, and think pretty much she wants to stay where she is at because of similar reasons and more. So my thing is now I’m to the point I’m asking myself “what have I done, why am I in this situation” because now I’m realizing that it is hard to be in love with someone that is so far away, especially someone whom I’ve never seen. I know she’s not a killer or stalking or psycho, I know her better than most people in my personal life.

 

But it’s just that I’m about to scream, she just feels this need that we need to talk 24/7 and it’s driving me insane and I’m going back to feeling how I felt right before I up and disappeared the last time.

 

I just can’t come home from 8 hours of work and then spend the rest of my day either on MSN or talking on the phone to her, granted I don’t do anything other than work but still you can only take so much..

 

I know that I shouldn’t be saying “I love you” to her, but she loves me so much and cares that I do not have the heart to tell her. I mean she will be friggin DEVASTATED!. It’s hard, I need someone physically, not a voice or a nickname on the internet. Someone to hold in my arms, someone to look at and touch.

 

What do I do? What can I say? I know either way it’ll hurt her.. I just don’t wanna be trapped and I don’t want to just run away. She’s a wonderful and an amazing person. She is very caring and very sweet, she is a good hearted person and I don’t feel that I can offer her the love so far away that she deserves. Please, help.

[Amazon22]

Have you ever considered meeting her in person? Have her send you a picture. If she doesn't have a scanner she can go to any store that develops film and have them develop it onto a disc. Maybe when you meet it will all come together!

[beauty_48]

Hey,

 

I understand what you are saying. How about getting a webcam for her or ask her to get one! Or go see her during the weekend or meet each other middle of the way and stay at hotel for a day or two. Its not that LOOKS are important in relationships but I would like to know who i'm loving. I'm sure she won't take it personally if you say, lets talk on the phone every third day or during the weekend for 20 mins. You know? I really hope it works out. It really sounds like you are both in love.

[DistantMan]

That's just it guys, I do not feel the love for her that I use to. She's great and all, but I cannot bring myself to staying in love with someone so far away. I don't want to spend all friggin' day on the phone with her, or talking to her over the internet. I do not feel the need to sleep on the phone with her, what is that going to accomplish? I go out for the night, and come home and she expects me to call her and if I don't she nags me about how it's ok to call her late and blah blah blah.. it's not that.. I WANT SOME FREE TIME.. SOME TIME TO MYSELF. I want to go a friggin' night without being on the phone with her.

 

I cringe when we have the same days off work, I can pretty much toss aside my weekend because all she'll want to do is talk talk talk. If not on the internet than on the phone. Pretty much I feel as though I'm tied to her and I can't get away.

 

I like her, she's a great person, but I cannot say that I'm truely in love with her because I thought I was at first, but that is fading away and I'm more less just wanting my free time back. I'm sure if was lived in the same town I'd totally fall in love with her, but we aren't and I do not want to move and neither does she. I'm happy where I am, I have an awsome job with an awsome pay and I'm happy here, this is my hometown where my friends and family lives.

 

My point is, I'm going insane and I'm now making up excuses to not talk to her. I'll tell her I'm going to be doing this or that so I'm not stuck talking to her. For like the past month we have tlaked every single day literally from the time I get home until we fall asleep.. yes she is so into falling asleep on the phone with each other and I hate it.. it drives me nuts. I want my life back.

[clia]

Don't answer the phone and don't log into MSN.

 

Tell her exactly what you've told us. Tell her you will talk to her twice a week for an hour. (Or whatever works for you.) If she doesn't like it, too bad. There's no reason to spend that much time online or on the phone.

 

She sounds a bit loony to me--does she have a life? I find it odd that she wants to devote so much time to talking to you and doesn't have a real life going on wherever she lives.

[DistantMan]

Originally posted by clia

Don't answer the phone and don't log into MSN.

 

Tell her exactly what you've told us. Tell her you will talk to her twice a week for an hour. (Or whatever works for you.) If she doesn't like it, too bad. There's no reason to spend that much time online or on the phone.

 

She sounds a bit loony to me--does she have a life? I find it odd that she wants to devote so much time to talking to you and doesn't have a real life going on wherever she lives.

 

Thank you Clia, you get my drift. She's not loony by no means, she's a very sweet and caring person and she is an amazing person and I know that she loves me with everything within her and I mean the world to her, but even still we're still thousands of miles apart and we both have very seperate lives and as much as I would love to talk to her for eternity it just gets old and I can only handle so much.

[Teri]

Hi DistantMan,

 

Wow, what a predicament you're in at the moment!! You've explained the situation quite well and I've got a few comments and questions.

 

How does one end up talking to someone for 5-6yrs on the internet and never once have met? Is there a reason why you can't meet? With what the two of you must be spending on phone calls you could have flown to meet her by now. My concern here is when you do meet what often happens is that you both must have some fantasys and preconceived notions etc about what the other looks like and so often when meeting especially after chatting for a long time you keep the fantasy and throw away the human. The reality never quite measures up to the dream.

 

Any idea why she won't send you a picture? If she can't scan one she can mail one and tell her it has to be recent. So much of love is chemistry and being together, your frustration I'm sure stems from a combination of that and the vast amount of time you spend talking. As much as I love my husband I'd be batty if we chatted 24/7 and never had time apart.

 

Start being realistic about the amount of time you've got to give to a fantasy relationship. I know you think she's a wonderful person but without proximity you've got a telephone buddy. Is that what you really want? It sounds like this could be some kind of obsession going on here.

 

You are the one who's in control of your life, you make the decisions, and you set the limits. If you're not happy the way things are with your friend then you need to make the changes. You are not responsible for how she reacts to this, she is.

 

5-6 yrs is a long time if love is what you really want then tell her that you've decided that there is a deadline involved here, decide how much longer you can tolerate this and then stick with it. You either meet and soon and decide if this is what you want or it's done. Then get on with meeting someone you can spend time with. Stop playing the victim and get on with your life.

 

If neither one of you is willing to relocate for the other then you don't have love. I'm far from being an expert on love and I've been with mine for a long time now, but if he came home tomorrow and said we were moving I'd be packing, we are much better together than apart, that's how I knew I loved him.

 

I wish you much luck and don't be suckered into feeling guilty about your decisions, reclaim your life and live it fully.

[DistantMan]

Originally posted by Teri

Hi DistantMan,

 

Wow, what a predicament you're in at the moment!! You've explained the situation quite well and I've got a few comments and questions.

 

Yeah, tell me about it. I should of never gotten myself in this predicament and I'm an a**hole for doing it, but it just went to far and by the time I realized it is too late. Guess I had mixed feelings, confused so to speak.

 

How does one end up talking to someone for 5-6yrs on the internet and never once have met? Is there a reason why you can't meet? With what the two of you must be spending on phone calls you could have flown to meet her by now. My concern here is when you do meet what often happens is that you both must have some fantasys and preconceived notions etc about what the other looks like and so often when meeting especially after chatting for a long time you keep the fantasy and throw away the human. The reality never quite measures up to the dream.

 

Well because we both have tight schedules it's not easy to get away. As for myself I had a job where I couldn't up and leave whenever for vacation, on top of that I wasn't making a whole lot of money and had a lot of bills and such so really I couldn't just up and leave. We had plans for the future that we would meet, but by that time I had just upped and left. As for her, by the time we really felt close to each other she started a new job and was unable to take vacation, in fact she worked like 2 jobs and goes to college and still does. So she can't really get away from all that yet.

 

I'm on a cell phone that after like 7 long distant calls are free, so doesn't cost me and weekends are free to. That's how we get away with the phone thing.

 

Any idea why she won't send you a picture? If she can't scan one she can mail one and tell her it has to be recent. So much of love is chemistry and being together, your frustration I'm sure stems from a combination of that and the vast amount of time you spend talking. As much as I love my husband I'd be batty if we chatted 24/7 and never had time apart.

 

No idea at all, she says she has no scanner and said she had one like 8 years ago but no more and says that the only pic of her is when she was like 17 and that she isn't into having her pics taken. I really do not know, she said she'd mail me one when I confronted her about it but yet to see one. I really have no true explanation. I guess she's all for seeing my expression and face when I see her for the first time, I know she has mentioned that too.

 

Start being realistic about the amount of time you've got to give to a fantasy relationship. I know you think she's a wonderful person but without proximity you've got a telephone buddy. Is that what you really want? It sounds like this could be some kind of obsession going on here.

 

I know, I mean I can sit and honestly say that I do not feel that I'm in love with her. Yes at first I thought so after I decided to come back and we began talking and she feel madly in love with me, but I think a lot of mine was lust and fantasy. I don't know. You're right, she is a telephone buddy, but I don't want a telephone buddy I need someone I can hold, see, touch, feel. You know. And no, it's not what I want and that's why I'm here.. it's driving me friggin' crazy and she's the one with the obsession. I mean just the other night I never called her that night making up an excuse, the next day she was telling me how she was lost without me on the phone and that I can always call her no matter how late it was and was preaching to me about how I should of called. I was like WTF.. it was 2 AM, I'm tired, I want my own time.. leave me the F alone.

 

You are the one who's in control of your life, you make the decisions, and you set the limits. If you're not happy the way things are with your friend then you need to make the changes. You are not responsible for how she reacts to this, she is.

 

I know that, but in a way I lied to her. When I felt I was in love with her, my mistake, i told her things I shouldn't of and I still do. I talked about how there is nobody else for me, how she's the love of my life, told her that nothing would ever change that and that my heart would always be hers. She basically depends on me, I mean seriously she's so in love with me that if I asked her right now to marry me.. she would. She has already said so. I mean for one, I should of never said any of that to her and it's my fault I know, and if I go telling her that I just want to be friends and that's it she will be devastated, she'll be hurt in ways never thought possible. I do not know how to tell her, I do not want to hurt her like that.

 

5-6 yrs is a long time if love is what you really want then tell her that you've decided that there is a deadline involved here, decide how much longer you can tolerate this and then stick with it. You either meet and soon and decide if this is what you want or it's done. Then get on with meeting someone you can spend time with. Stop playing the victim and get on with your life.

 

Well, I've known here for about 6 years or whatever but the "love" thing was like 3 years ago, and remember I ditched and left for a year because I was going nuts so basically like a year and half or so. So it's fairly recent. She's more in love with me than I am her, I like her.. I can't love someone that I cannot physically be with or haven't even seen. I have no idea what she looks like, mind you she knew what I looked like after a few months of knowing each other.. that drives me nuts and I've told her.

 

If neither one of you is willing to relocate for the other then you don't have love. I'm far from being an expert on love and I've been with mine for a long time now, but if he came home tomorrow and said we were moving I'd be packing, we are much better together than apart, that's how I knew I loved him.

 

Agreed. All in all the point comes down to this. I need someone physically, not a voice on the phone or a nick name on the internet. Recently I began talking to this very nice girl at work, she's really nice and I began thinking.. I don't want to be tied down by a voice on the phone or a nickname. And I feel guitly but it's like if I fall in love in real life, then nothing will stop it. Certainly not someone, like her, that I never even met or seen.

 

It's just she's so far away and I really do not have the money to go and visit her, but she's counting on it and I've told her but that's suppose to happen in a few months and even now I'm scrapping for money because I have so much to pay off.

 

Like I've said, she's an amazing person and if I lived there I'd go for her. But I'm not there, I'm here and she's there and I cannot say that I'm in love with her as she is with me. I know she's madly in love with me, I do not have the balls, heart, or courage to tell her on the phone and even if I did I do not know how I'd say it to her.

 

I want out of this mess, I want to be free from it. It's worse because my mom knows her and everybody knows of her and such, so that makes it even harder. I just don't know what to do.

[Teri]

You really need to be honest with her, to lead her on isn't fair. If you continue this online and on the phone charade without being truthful then you're not much more than a player.

 

Your only other option is to limit your time on the phone and online so that both of you can reclaim your "offline" lives.

 

How you tell her isn't nearly as important as why you won't tell her. If you think it's going to hurt her so much do you really believe it's going to be less of a blow in another year??

[amiinsaneorjustagirl]

have you ever considered the fact that she might only be 18 or so, which is why she has photos from then? back in the day, when i got my first AOL sn, i went crazy with the men. Even though I was 12, I had many men convinced of my age being around 18. All it takes is a well-spoken, semi-mature preteenage girl. At this point in my life, mostly because of my mentality towards maturing, I didn't have any friends my age and was able to relate better with adults than peers. Which also explains other people's questioning her looniness, and how she didn't seem to have a life outside of you. Honestly, it's easier than you'd think.

[MarieW]

I agree with justagirl. It's very strange that after all this time you haven't seen a photo of her. If she is unattractive that could be why she won't send one, but you know each other well and looks aren't everything so she would realise that. I do think she is a very young girl and can't send a photo because then it would be obvious. I could be wrong, I hope it works out for you and you decide what is best for you - but please keep posting, I'm intrigued.

[DistantMan]

I definately know that she isn't 18, she's definately not someone that is lying to me or would lie. She's very passionate, very kind, and probably the most outspoken and honest person I know. She's definately in college, she has an awsome job in which I've talked to many of her coworkers on the phone and I've personally have spoken to members of her family as well as some of her closest friends.

 

If she was fibbing to me, lying to me, or anything else I would of known by now.

[DistantMan]

And because she works in fitness and does workout, chances are she's probably not that unattractive. And I know she's probably not with another guy for the fact that everybody and their mothers that knows her personally knows abuot me including every one of her coworkers and also for the fact that we talk all the time.

[Kelebek]

What do your family/her family/her co-workers think of this? Do they not think it's extremely strange that so much of your life has been taken up by a name on the internet? I mean, I'm all for on-line relationships, whatever floats your boat, a woman I know is marrying a wonderful man she met on the net, and they lived 2000 miles apart, so I'm not saying it can't be done.....but she still had a life off-line aswell. Funnily enough that's probably a factor in why it worked so well. It sounds to me like this girl definitely doesn't have a life.....don't either of you have friends to go out with, instead of talking on the phone ALL night?? Do you never pop down to the pub, go out to the cinema, ANYTHING???!!! Is your life work, then internet/phone? What a sad existence. God, even thinking about that exhausts me, I really feel so bad for you. Do your family not worry about what you've got yourself into?

 

Be honest with her. Think about it, what exactly can she do??? She's thousands of miles away. Tell her you'll stay in touch, but that you want your life back, understandably!! If you're worried that she won't leave you alone, or she'll badmouth you to your family etc, then take more drastic measures....block her on msn, get a new phone number, a new email address.....this REALLY isn't as hard as it seems. I realise you care for her, so you obviously don't want to hurt her, but be selfish here for once. Think about yourself....this is destroying you, and wasting away your life. You want out, then GET OUT.

 

God, I really hope this gets sorted out for you, I'm thinking of you.

[claudia]

Oh My God when i first read ur story it sounded just like whats going on in my life presently, i mean word for word (except the part about meeting) but i feel how she feels i'm in a real ldr 16 hours flying , and i felt that i have to be there or the interest will be lost i know its wrong and i have to trust my bf .but because its a long distant realtionship all she have is the phone and msn thats how she feels close to u , we did the webcam thing , and the msn thing . but i understand now from reading ur post that a big part is to keep an off line self .

 

i see that u said u dont really love her as she does for u in that case u have to be open with her , yes it will hurt the hell out of her and that probly will be the best thing for u to do to her maybe she will not see it now but in future she will see it

u feel like u are suffocating in a relationship that nots worth it to u .

 

be honest and communicate with her , she deserves that part at less .

i now see what talking everyday can do and i now understand what my bf go through . just be strong and tell her that u think u need time apart , maybe u put a block on msn for a lil while and do u own thing.

 

well keep posting i'm learning from u what not to do in a online relation.

[chaotic]

i am in a ldr, and it sounds to me like she loves you, and you love her (but you are probably pretty turned off cuz of all the talking), but if neither of you value visiting/living with eachother over what you got where you are, i dont think that a relationship is what you are looking for.

 

i know, that i am going to college where i am, and my girl is finishing up her last year of school in texas, and i was considering moving down there to see her all the time. I am an extremely lazy guy, so considering moving states away is a very drastic thought. about every 2-3 months i drop $350 bucks on airfare and a bunch more money to go visit her, or have her visit me. if you arent feeling this way, and neither is she, then u guys arent that set on being in a relationship.

 

in my opinion bro, it doesnt sound like u are happy with whats going on, and you need to tell her. trust me, staying in your comfort zone of not confronting her seems really easy, but you will feel so much better once u level with her. i think that you should tell her, that you dont feel that a relationship between you is working/will work. you should tell her that you love her, but just as a friend. tell her that you value your friendship alot, and you definately want to stay friends, but explain to her that both of you need to move on, and see other people. she might be pretty unhappy with this at first, but once she gets over it, you both will be alot happier.

 

i know it is really hard to build up that much nerve to say something like that to someone, but you have to. if you keep on going like you are, you are just going to get more unhappy, and she is going to get more attached to you.

 

lemme know what you end up doing, i'll read this post

 

chaotic