He put his exes/former FWBs numbers in his new phone!! I am PISSED

[XNemesisX]

So how do you feel about this? Would this make you mad too? My boyfriend got a new phone and had to manually put each individual number into the new phone. I did NOT find this out by snooping. He had his phone out and I got a glimpse of the phonebook and saw a name of a former F*** buddy. I wouldn't have thought much of it if not for the fact that I know he just got this phone and must have wanted to keep her number for some reason! You tell me!!! Also, I told him I saw "them" (plural form even though I just saw the one) and apparently there are more than one in there! Tricked him!

 

I didn't say anything about it initially but eventually just blew up. He claims that he only put their numbers in his phone because he wanted to be sure "to avoid their calls" Sorry, but I wasn't born last night. I'm thinking he is keeping them in there for a rainy day if you know what I mean. He tried to turn it around on me like I was the bad guy for even getting upset over it but how could you not.

 

Who is cool with their SO putting former FWBs/exes in their phones?! NOT ME.

[XNemesisX]

So I guess my question now is what to do from here....from former relationships I learn to be on the look out for red flags. Is this a red flag? I'm worried that it is!

[Geishawhelk]

When he's not looking, grab the phone and delete the numbers.

if he ONE: challenges you about this, or TWO: puts them back in again - then it's a red flag.

[sweet&simple]

When he's not looking, grab the phone and delete the numbers.

if he ONE: challenges you about this, or TWO: puts them back in again - then it's a red flag.

 

Hahahaha, I'm totally for this.. I usually woudn't be, but what a great way to find out if he's trying to talk to them. Idk about you, but I don't regularly go through my phone book to check numbers. If he confronts you about it, it's likely he was trying to talk to them.. I mean, how else would you notice?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I'm not up for tricking people into being honest. How recent are the exes? How often do they call him? Now there's a question for him...if they're not calling and you've been together for a while, then there should be no need for him to program the numbers in his phone, right? My vote is that he's got the gals on 'stand-by'.

[Art_Critic]

I don't really think it is all that cool keeping numbers of ex's buuutttt...........

 

I happen to have some of my exw's family in my phone and other people's numbers and names in my phone that I never want to here from again.

 

I put a Z in front of the name so it goes to the bottom of the list.

 

If the name and number isn't programed in then I would most likely answer the phone if they called as I wouldn't know who was calling..

 

The way it is now it shows ZBob for a friend of mine that I don't like each time he calls..

 

To me the key isn't whether or not he has them it is whether or not he uses the numbers..

He could easily write them down in an email and send them to himself or put them in a word doc so it isn't like he wouldn't know how to get in touch with his ex's..

 

Does he call his ex's ?.. or do they call him ?.. that is what matters..

[Lizzie60]

No this is not cool at all.. He is planning to see them again.. if he's not already seeing them.. this is quite obvious..

 

I don't understand why you don't see that..

 

I just can't understand women sometimes.. (most of the time).. really..

[Enema]

How long have you been together?

 

If it's just a few months, I would do the same thing.

[Jilly Bean]

No this is not cool at all.. He is planning to see them again.. if he's not already seeing them.. this is quite obvious..

 

I don't understand why you don't see that..

 

I just can't understand women sometimes.. (most of the time).. really..

 

+1. If hes not already cheating, hes planning on it, OR, at the least, doesnt expect you to be around too long so he's working on his back-up options.

[lovelorcet]

Well on the flip side of this, I am not one to delete numbers of people from my phone. The way my phone works is that when someone calls and I have their number I can see who it is. Plus my phone is synced with all my contacts on my computer.

 

I can honestly say if my gf took my phone and invaded my space by deleting numbers I would kick her ass to the curb so fast her head would spin.

[Adunaphel]

I would get very upset, too...

but then, again, if there is someone whose calls I'd rather avoid I'd make sure to keep their number in my phone.

And if my SO got a call from any girl from a number he is not keeping in his phone, I'd get suspicious and wonder whether he's been hiding something.

Also, most people who have mischief in mind will list theri possible affair partner's number under different names that do not sound suspicious.

[Lishy]

This sounds fishy!

 

Go into their names and change the number to 911 - You will soon find out if he tries to call them and if he does he will have to explain to the police why he called them!!

 

It does not sound right though and if he was that worried about them calling he would change his number

[bish]

So how do you feel about this? Would this make you mad too?

 

Yes, I would. Only time I'd expect to be ok with a gf of mine having an X on her phone is if she shares a child with him and they need to stay in contact for that reason only.

[Lishy]

I would be as mad as hell and it would scream "RED FLAG" at me!

[XNemesisX]

Thank you for the replies.

 

So it sounds like most of you don't think I was being unreasonable...

 

My boyfriend and I have got into heated arguments over this for the past few days. He told me last night that he couldn't be in a relationship with someone that insists he is a liar and won't give him a chance. I told him that he can either get his stories straight or lose me because his versions of things that have happened with this one girl in particular keeps changing. He still insists that everything he has said has been true (although about a month or so ago he said they had sex twice at the beach and then some other times after that) then now he's trying to say it was just once at the beach. Then he went from saying that he put the numbers in to "avoid them" and now he's saying that he "just didn't think it was a big deal and thought nothing of it." How can all of these be true?

 

I went to my doctor today for another prescription for antidepressants. I feel this is the trigger to get back on them. I talked to him about it a bit and he said that I need to learn that it is okay to think certain things but not to say them. He said that if I voice my opinions about things like this to this extent that I will never be able to succeed in a relationship. He also thought that if I had no evidence of him cheating or planning to cheat then I was being paranoid. He suggested I read some books on jealousy. Is this really good advice though? To just keep things to yourself?? Maybe I do not have a right to be so upset but it's really hard for me not to be. I keep imagining him with this girl and the more I think about it the sadder and more enraged I become. He claims that he deleted her from his phone but she is still on his facebook friends.

 

It just sucks to feel like I can never be the only one. It seems like in any relationship I get into, there are always people "waiting in the wings" and it chips away at any bit of self-esteem that I had. He says I have nothing to worry about, but isn't that what they all say?!

[Enema]

Still haven't told us how long you've been together.

[XNemesisX]

Still haven't told us how long you've been together.

 

 

oops...sorry about that. We have been together for about 4 months. We have known each other for about 2.5 years though.

[XNemesisX]

I hope I'm not seeming too possessive and controlling at a relationship at this stage....we have still not yet told each other we love each other. I don't think we either one really know yet. I'm a lot more guarded now than I used to be and am scared sh*tless.

[XNemesisX]

How long have you been together?

 

If it's just a few months, I would do the same thing.

 

Do the same thing as in flipping out over this?

 

I have REALLY got upset/angry over this and probably said some very hurtful and mean things to him about it. I pretty much called him a man whore in every way possible.

[sweet&simple]

So wait.. he's the one who can't get his stories straight and because you're calling him out on it.. he wants you to.. keep your thoughts to yourself?

 

Yeah.

 

Relationships won't succeed if you don't talk about your issues, and obviously this is an issue for you. Sounds like he doesn't know too much about relationships [:

[Lucky_One]

I told him that he can either get his stories straight or lose me because his versions of things that have happened with this one girl in particular keeps changing. He still insists that everything he has said has been true (although about a month or so ago he said they had sex twice at the beach and then some other times after that) then now he's trying to say it was just once at the beach.

 

I talked to him about it a bit and he said that I need to learn that it is okay to think certain things but not to say them. He said that if I voice my opinions about things like this to this extent that I will never be able to succeed in a relationship. He also thought that if I had no evidence of him cheating or planning to cheat then I was being paranoid. He suggested I read some books on jealousy. Is this really good advice though?

 

He told you he f*cked this other girl twice a MONTH ago at the beach? OR did he tell you a month ago that he screwed her at the beach twice a long time ago? Because you have two different scenarios there. If he just was with her a month ago, then he is keeping the number warm and handy for a lonely night. If it was months/years ago, then he could plausibly kept the number for something other than easy sex - but then again, he would have been able to tell you a good reason rather than come up with a lame excuse such as that.

 

Your doctor sounds like a dope in some aspects. I certainly do NOT agree with going on ADs just bc of this worry about your BF, so I agree with him if he told you no to the prescription. But I think it is unhealthy not to talk about issues with your partner; I would never accept advice that I hold in my worries or frustrations rather than discuss them.

 

However, you have obviously talked to your MD in the past about similar issues, and perhaps he can see things about you that we aren't able to see from a few posts on LS. So perhaps his suggestion has validity that at first glance doesn't seem apparent.

[lovelorcet]

I hope I'm not seeming too possessive and controlling at a relationship at this stage....we have still not yet told each other we love each other. I don't think we either one really know yet. I'm a lot more guarded now than I used to be and am scared sh*tless.

 

 

You have been seeing each other for 4 months and you are acting like this!?!?!

 

Yes, in my book you are being very controlling.

[Lishy]

It makes no difference how long she has been seeing him, she is sleeping with him and has a right to know if he is planning on being a dog and cheating!

 

I dont think you over reacted and I also dont think you should be going on anti depressants for some jerk of a guy who sounds like a potential cheater/controller - How dare he tell you how to respond to him!!

 

I think you will have your hands full with this guy

[sweet&simple]

You have been seeing each other for 4 months and you are acting like this!?!?!

 

Yes, in my book you are being very controlling.

 

I'd say if there was no reason for her being like this, she'd be controlling.. but the fact that he keeps lying to her about his past, ESPECIALLY with this girls means she has to do something.

[moonmosaic]

I had a similar system to Art_Critic. Before I met my husband I dated quite a few guys and I kept their numbers in my phone under the Z-List. At least when I got a call or a text I knew who it came from. I still had the list after I got married (I married my bf just after 4 months!) and one day I got a text from an old bf. My husband went berserk and wanted me to delete all the Z numbers in my phone. He even called one of them and told him to eff off. It was so embarrassing for me but also scary to see him raging with jealousy.

 

So about a month ago we were talking about something and I asked him, how many of his exes's numbers did he still had in his phone. He had 7. He started deleting them, possibly out of guilt, so I told him that I felt no threat from these girls so the decision was entirely his choice. As opposed to my husband I am less of a jealous person.

 

I think if someone wants to keep in touch with an ex, they would do it anyway. They can save phone numbers in a notebook or in a word document.

 

If you are the jealous type, tell your bf and if he respects you enough he will delete the number - it doesn't mean he will not have the number saved somewhere else. If he doesn't delete the number it means he doesn't respect you, he probably thinks you are an overreacting silly girl and instead should read a few "books" for help.

 

So now you have two options:

 

a, read a few books and deal with your insecurities, weak core personal traits, maturing sociological interaction etc

b, move on and find someone else how will respect your weaknesses and helps you to overcome them rather than weakens them even more.

 

The ball is in your hand;)