A Dilemma

[Kim666]

I wrote in another of the sections about how I could not seem to get over my ex husband and how he had moved on and was wearing a wedding band with another woman.

 

Well today I was approached by someone I had not seen in several years.

 

He was the MM I was with for 3 years before I met my ex husband. He wants to pick up where we left off.

 

Things were interesting with him to say the least but to be honest I am not sure it will do me any good to be back in that situation.

 

Sure he is probably one of the few men I trust since he never did anythng to hurt me ( I left him) but will it really help my self esteem and help me to trust others again.

 

I am not really sure how to handle this matter and since I have never told anyone about him, then I cannot approach friends since they would not approve (even though some of them have done the same thing).

 

Any suggestions?

[Geishawhelk]

The big question:

Is he still married?

if 'yes' - please, be better to yourself than this, and walk away from it.

 

If 'no, maybe you could start tentatively dating for a while, take things easy and see how it goes.

But if he's still with his W - you really don't need more crud in your life right now.

 

You are surely to goodness, better, and more deserving than this - ?!

[whichwayisup]

Things were interesting with him to say the least but to be honest I am not sure it will do me any good to be back in that situation.

 

It won't do you any good, nor him, and his wife too! And kids if he has any.. Why would you purposely take a HUGE step backwards, and get involved again with the same MM as before? This just shows that you're not thinking clearly at all, and in no shape to BE in a relationship, let alone start up an affair.

 

Sure he is probably one of the few men I trust since he never did anythng to hurt me ( I left him) but will it really help my self esteem and help me to trust others again.

 

You 'trusted' a MM, whom you had an affair with. A man who lied, cheated and betrayed his wife (and kids).. How would HE and having an affair (other than feed your ego) make you feel good about you, and be proud of yourself, let alone build up your self esteem? And how would having an affair with a MM, make you trust other men??

[Kim666]

First I did not write that to be told off...I am stuck in a place where I am not sure what to do with my life.

 

The reason I said "Sure he is probably one of the few men I trust since he never did anythng to hurt me ( I left him) but will it really help my self esteem and help me to trust others again. "

 

for the simple reason that he treated me with respect and never laid a hand on me..he never said a degratory thing to me.

 

It may not mean much to some but let me tell you when after years of being told off, called down and made to feel worthless once in a while it is nice to hear a kind word that makes you feel like a woman again even if only for a moment.

 

Sorry that you do not seem to understand that

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry that I've made you feel bad, that wasn't my intention. My intention was to stop and make you think. You didn't share the same info in this thread as you did in your other thread, so I did not know you were in an abusive marriage.

 

for the simple reason that he treated me with respect and never laid a hand on me..he never said a degratory thing to me.

 

But, the emotional damage an affair brings on, the longer it goes on, the more damage it does is just as bad. If you don't believe me, please read other threads in this section and read how many OW's heart break and hurt when their MM's drive back home to their wives and family.

[Kim666]

I have much empathy for both the O/W and the W..in more ways then you can ever imagine.

 

In my case I see things maybe a little differently then others.

 

I do not feel like I am being used. I feel like I am using him.

 

It may seem strange to some but the few kind words he says to me on the phone (no I have not met up with him in person, just talked on the phone) have made me feel more comfortable in my own skin in a very long time.

 

I know it sounds strange to hear a woman say that but I spent many years with an abusive husband who called me names I could never repeat on here and after hearing them for a long time I grew to believe them.

 

In a short time, even though it is only by phone, he has given me back some of what it feels like to be appreciated.

 

Unlike some women it never hurt me when he drove away, I liked being single and having the freedom to do what I want when I want.

 

He never made any demands of me and I certainly never made any demands of him.

 

I was not his first nor will I be his last. I liked my alone time and the ability to say no when I felt like it.

 

Maybe that makes me cold but I have to wonder how I would feel if a few phone calls have made me feel more like a woman then I did thru my entire marriage.

 

Sounds stupid but then maybe I am....

[tanabanana92207]

I am probably the last person who should respond to this thread seeing as how I am involved with a married man, a soon to be divorced married man, but a married man nevertheless. However, having been in this situation, I can tell you that it's not easy. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Having said that, your situation is completely different. You are coming from an abusive marriage where your self-esteem was battered. To enter into a relationship with an MM would be a step backward...not because of the morality or lack thereof...but because you would be putting yourself in a position where your self-esteem would take another hit. When in a R with a MM, there will be times when he can't see you or neglects to call or show up when he's supposed to ..... this will create a feeling of doubt in your self-worth. Eventually, you'll start to wish .... hope that he leaves his wife. They hardly ever do.

 

You'll ask yourself .... why aren"t I good enough? Why won't he sacrifice to be with me? You'll be filled with so many doubts ... At this point in your life, having escaped abuse, you should try and surround yourself with people that will build you up. Someone that will value you and only you .. for the person you are, not for the something special on the side they want you to be.

 

 

As I said before, it may seem hypocritical of me to respond in this way because of my current situation. I know everyone likes to believe their story is different and some are. But, with they way you must be feeling mentally and emotionally ... still hung up on your EX ... it would be unwise to jump from the frying pan into the fire.

[tanabanana92207]

Kim, your need to feel good and special about yourself does not make you stupid ... it makes you the victim of a jack*** who used you as his whipping boy. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. The problem was with him.

 

Having said that, it will be almost impossible to enter into a R with your MM without becoming emotionally involved. You are in a vulnerable place right now because of what happened with your EX. Look how good a few kind words made you feel --- imagine if your MM kicks the sweet talk up a notch -- how will that make you feel about him?

 

If you read other threads, you'll notice there are very few OW's who manage to stay emotionally detached from the R.

 

Eventually, as I said in my previous post, your feelings for him will grow stronger. It would be only natural at that point to expect something more from the R. When he isn't able to or can't give you what you'll want at that point, what will that do to your emotional and mental state?

 

Please take my comments as true support. There are those here who will support and advice you no matter what your decision. Know that you are not alone no matter which way you go.

 

Just think sensibly, with your head and not your heart when you make your decision.

[Untouchable_Fire]

for the simple reason that he treated me with respect and never laid a hand on me..he never said a degratory thing to me.

It may not mean much to some but let me tell you when after years of being told off, called down and made to feel worthless once in a while it is nice to hear a kind word that makes you feel like a woman again even if only for a moment.

 

Sorry that you do not seem to understand that

 

I suggest you throw out whatever criteria you have been using to choose men.

 

Here is a tip. Look for men who appreciate others.

[Adunaphel]

I have much empathy for both the O/W and the W..in more ways then you can ever imagine.

 

In my case I see things maybe a little differently then others.

 

I do not feel like I am being used. I feel like I am using him.

 

It may seem strange to some but the few kind words he says to me on the phone (no I have not met up with him in person, just talked on the phone) have made me feel more comfortable in my own skin in a very long time.

 

I know it sounds strange to hear a woman say that but I spent many years with an abusive husband who called me names I could never repeat on here and after hearing them for a long time I grew to believe them.

 

In a short time, even though it is only by phone, he has given me back some of what it feels like to be appreciated.

 

Unlike some women it never hurt me when he drove away, I liked being single and having the freedom to do what I want when I want.

 

He never made any demands of me and I certainly never made any demands of him.

 

I was not his first nor will I be his last. I liked my alone time and the ability to say no when I felt like it.

 

Maybe that makes me cold but I have to wonder how I would feel if a few phone calls have made me feel more like a woman then I did thru my entire marriage.

 

Sounds stupid but then maybe I am....

 

Hello Kim666,

 

sadly, having been in an abusive relationship - or even in a relationship whre you never felt really loved - will mess up your standards and will make a number of toads automatically look like princes charming *just because they are not acting like ugly ogres*.

 

I am under the impression that you are in the state of mind where you could easily fall for the wrong kind of men just because they are treating you nicely.

 

Not saying that your MM must be a sexual predator, or will *certainly* use you... just reminding that your perception is probably warped right now, and that a guy treating you with respect should be the norm, not the exception!

You should, and will, find out that it is normal that a guy interested in you should be kind and nice to you...and make you feel good.

 

Like other posters, I suggest that you stay away from MM, expecially if he is still married. In your situation expecially, it is very important that you do not enter an 'unbalanced' relationship. A relationship with a MM is likely to hurt you even more in the long term.

[KismetGirl]

I wrote in another of the sections about how I could not seem to get over my ex husband and how he had moved on and was wearing a wedding band with another woman.

 

Well today I was approached by someone I had not seen in several years.

 

He was the MM I was with for 3 years before I met my ex husband. He wants to pick up where we left off.

 

Things were interesting with him to say the least but to be honest I am not sure it will do me any good to be back in that situation.

 

Sure he is probably one of the few men I trust since he never did anythng to hurt me ( I left him) but will it really help my self esteem and help me to trust others again.

 

I am not really sure how to handle this matter and since I have never told anyone about him, then I cannot approach friends since they would not approve (even though some of them have done the same thing).

 

Any suggestions?

 

 

If he is still married, run away, run like the wind. It is the worst situation in the world to be in. I know, because Im currently involved with an MM and it sucks like nothing else I can even describe.

 

If he's single now, well, then perhaps you can date him slowly and see how things go, if you really did like him that much, but people can change over time, so who knows if he's even the same person you remember?

 

Nothing wrong with finding out, of course, if he IS single....but if he's still married, run in the other direction, and fast.

[Kim666]

Just to clarify a few things

 

1. He is still married, his kids are all grown and gone.

 

2. We had an affair several years ago that was fantastic.

 

I don't know if my criteria for men is so terrible. Neither of my husbands showed their true sides until after we were married.

 

Both said the most fantastic phrase "now I own you" should have ran then.

 

I always wondered what my life would have been like if I had stuck to what I had said and never married the second time and just continued on my merry little way with the affair I was having.

 

Being the O/W gave me freedom that I never had in either of my marriages.

 

I was not one of those O/W that ever felt like I was neglected or became attached...maybe I have no conscience, who knows.

 

If that brings criticism then so be it..but that is me and I never hid who I was before and will not start now.

[serliana7]

I actually think you were very lucky the 1st time round with MM that you walked away emotionally unscathed.

 

I think as perhaps you are a little more vulnerable this time around the ending might not be quite so rosy, you are probably more like to become attached and, well in my case, when you fall head over heels for some one unavailable your confidence plummets.

 

What you probably need after your recent break up is a good confidence boost, you'll get that from a hot single guy who gives you the chase and has you wondering 'what comes next' Lets face it with a MM you can pretty much predict the outcome (99.8% time heartbreak)

 

Again, you were lucky the 1st time, I have a feeling we may see you back here in 6 months time asking for NC support! Hope not though, do the right thing chick x