Sad&Lonely08 Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I mean after a seperation and neither parties want a divorce. Is the chance for getting back together and likely chance? What percentage of seperations lead to getting back together? How many actually work out? Just looking for some light in my dark tunnel.. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 7, 2008 Share Posted October 7, 2008 I think I read someplace that it is only like 1% that try make it. If both of you want the marriage to work then that is a plus. Have both of you done things to improve yourself? There are web sites out there with people that have done it and are happier then before. I really wish you the best if getting back together is what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 My XH and I were separated for almost a year. Neither of us really wanted a divorce. Neither of us sought counsel from an attorney or mediator during that time apart. We finally tried couseling and moved back in together. I filed for divorce just over 6 months later. After being apart for that long and becoming independent again, I just couldn't get past our differences and could not see derailing my own progress to go back to the unknown. We had no children though. 1%?!? Not very encouraging... Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 I have heard 1% as well....Frankly, IMO they are your EX for a reason. I know NOW that he actually did me a favor. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 I was married 25yrs, separated for 7 months but then when we got back together we did some counseling but we didn't follow through on the stuff we were supposes to do, it was like it fell back into the same old thing. The only difference is I had started going to the gym, lost weight, started riding my bike, didn't set around the TV anymore. My stbxw lost her best friend to cancer, she spent a lot of time with her then she just sat on the couch when she got home from work. I tried getting her to do things with me (being controlling in her eyes) but she didn't want to, the housework that she was doing I started to do because I learned in the separation I liked a clean house, and I also did the cooking because I was trying to eat better, this made her not feel like part of the family but she didn't tell me so it just all fell apart so I think it is hard once you separate to get back together because during the separation you start looking at yourself & what you want. Link to post Share on other sites
stray_cat Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 i wouldn't pay too much attention on the "statistics". i think if both you and your partner equally wants this marriage work and are determined to do that and you both have truly dealt with the issues then their is a very good chance of it working out. but i'm already telling you that after reading this board for a while now you will not get an encouraging response on this topic. the trends here are somewhat against second chances and i think maybe, from what i have observed, not many people on this boards got a second chance or if they did, it failed. people can only speak on their experience and if they don't have a good experience with it then they don't have anything good to say about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 Yes, by all means, do not pay too much attention to the statistics. They are only a factual collection of data relating to the probability of marital reconciliation after separation. Oh, and only the failed partners in relationships, marriages and reconciliations end up on LS. There are NO success stories here... None. The difference between this site and others is that there is no behind-the-scenes book/s, videos or counseling sessions for sale to "back up" success rates for marriage/reconciliation. No one is sugar coating their experience here. I am soooooo sick of hearing people say that members of LS promote divorce and are against reconciliation or 2nd chances. Huh? The "national" divorce rate has skyrocketed to somewhere between 50-60%, and I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with this site! Divorce sucks. It is a roller coaster of emotions that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Rant OVER... Link to post Share on other sites
husbndinthemaking Posted October 8, 2008 Share Posted October 8, 2008 I mean after a seperation and neither parties want a divorce. Is the chance for getting back together and likely chance? What percentage of seperations lead to getting back together? How many actually work out? Just looking for some light in my dark tunnel.. I am a success story. My wife had another man and was going to move in with him and take my 2 year old with her. Now, we are going on a cruise in a few days and can't be happier. I used zaxxes.com and Stop Your Divorce. I have read numerous other books, but these 2 saved my marriage. I feel as though you can save your marriage if you really want. It takes patience, knowledge, focus, etc. You have to be willing to give alot, with very little in return at first. That is the method I swear by. Others would say, "That is totally wrong! You should never give yourself up like that!" Look at it this way, I have a happy marriage again, but were do they stand? 1%, eh? LOL. Guess I'm pretty lucky then! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I mean after a seperation and neither parties want a divorce. Is the chance for getting back together and likely chance? What percentage of seperations lead to getting back together? How many actually work out? Just looking for some light in my dark tunnel.. So divorce was never mentioned during the discussion of separation? Also have you set guidelines/terms during your separation and have stuck by the agreements? Link to post Share on other sites
stray_cat Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Yes, by all means, do not pay too much attention to the statistics. They are only a factual collection of data relating to the probability of marital reconciliation after separation. Oh, and only the failed partners in relationships, marriages and reconciliations end up on LS. There are NO success stories here... None. The difference between this site and others is that there is no behind-the-scenes book/s, videos or counseling sessions for sale to "back up" success rates for marriage/reconciliation. No one is sugar coating their experience here. I am soooooo sick of hearing people say that members of LS promote divorce and are against reconciliation or 2nd chances. Huh? The "national" divorce rate has skyrocketed to somewhere between 50-60%, and I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with this site! Divorce sucks. It is a roller coaster of emotions that I would not wish on my worst enemy. Rant OVER... i'm sorry you are soooo sick of hearing people in LS promote divorce or against reconciliation/2nd chances. i didn't mean to irritate you with my post, just merely stating my observation. every time somebody posts about reconciliation, regardless how promising or salvageable their situation is, the advices are usually more focused on negativity, why it wont work and that they never work and oh yeah the statistics. but i'm not really surprised coz i still yet have to come across with a post about a successful second chance. yes statistics are factual but considering the statistics when deciding what to do with the relationship does not really help. so all i can say is if both parties are truly committed to make their relationship work then go for it. nothing is going to happen unless they try. but if they prefer to dwell on what the statistics says then forget it. it's only 1% right? so why bother? Link to post Share on other sites
Karma101 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 yes statistics are factual but considering the statistics when deciding what to do with the relationship does not really help. so all i can say is if both parties are truly committed to make their relationship work then go for it. nothing is going to happen unless they try. but if they prefer to dwell on what the statistics says then forget it. it's only 1% right? so why bother? The OP asked what the statistics were related to reconciliation after a separation. They are not good. That's a fact. That does not mean that committed partners should not TRY to reconcile, to save their marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 The OP asked what the statistics were related to reconciliation after a separation. They are not good. That's a fact. That does not mean that committed partners should not TRY to reconcile, to save their marriage... I totally agree, you should do everything you can to make the marriage work. What I see is the person that isn't happy in the relationship has been done with the marriage LONG TIME before they finally say anything so the spouse that still wants the marriage to work is already way behind on trying to save it. In my situation when we separated the stbxw had said she still wanted to work on the marriage, but when we got back together she didn't do anything different, so of coarse it wasn't going to work. Hopefully your W & you will be able to keep working together, but the important part I feel is you have to be able to say; did I do everything I could have done to save this marriage? You have to be able to live with yourself, be able to go to bed at night & say; yes I did what I could & it just didn't work. I still wish you the best of luck, be one of those 1% that make it & let us know...... Link to post Share on other sites
stray_cat Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 I totally agree, you should do everything you can to make the marriage work. yes, exactly my point. so forget statistics. Link to post Share on other sites
Al_Bundy Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 I am a success story. My wife had another man and was going to move in with him and take my 2 year old with her. Now, we are going on a cruise in a few days and can't be happier. I used zaxxes.com and Stop Your Divorce. I have read numerous other books, but these 2 saved my marriage. I feel as though you can save your marriage if you really want. It takes patience, knowledge, focus, etc. You have to be willing to give alot, with very little in return at first. That is the method I swear by. Others would say, "That is totally wrong! You should never give yourself up like that!" Look at it this way, I have a happy marriage again, but were do they stand? 1%, eh? LOL. Guess I'm pretty lucky then! I see the success story here being to the WS's benefit. Cheat, and you just might be able to lead your BS around by the nose. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 You have to be willing to give alot, with very little in return at first. And that seems healthy to you? Your wife cheats so you just give her a lot and expect very little in return? That's success? Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Apparently. Link to post Share on other sites
Al_Bundy Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 And that seems healthy to you? Your wife cheats so you just give her a lot and expect very little in return? That's success? Apparantly so. HITM is going around teaching men how to be cuckolded "yes" lapdogs who need to be at their cheating spouse's every beckon call. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Your wife cheats. So what. You're still married. Does that give you a right to be holier than thou. Maybe, but that's not going to do anything but finalize the end of your relationship. You can rebuild or renew any relationship. The question is whether or not you choose to be a force to positively build on success or to negatively reinforce failure is totally up to you. And who's to say what the results will be? Are you going to still be married? Maybe not. But who cares at that point, because you've focused and renewed your own life in the process. It's not about being a slave to your emotions or her emotions. It's about being a rational force that builds on success by reinforcing positive interactions and avoiding negative reactions/actions. It's about understanding yourself. If you do exactly what you have been doing, you are a slave to your past. If you can not rationally change your emotional outlook, you are a slave to your emotions. Take control and do the right thing. So many people rationalize anger and resentment due to the actions of their partner. Maybe that's how you have found yourself in the situation you are now currently in. Here's the issue. You all want instant gratification and returns on investments that have turned sour. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way. At the very least you can come to an understanding on how you played a part in the end and grow from it. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Your wife cheats. So what. You're still married. Does that give you a right to be holier than thou. Maybe, but that's not going to do anything but finalize the end of your relationship. That is fine if she wants to at least be an equal part in that process. Marriage is not a one-way street; surely reconciliation after an affair is not a one-way street either. At the very least you can come to an understanding on how you played a part in the end and grow from it. Again that is a 2-way street. If she is not willing to be an equal/honest partner in the process then it is a futile endeavor which will simply be filled with revisionist history. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Recon is a one way street. Butterfly effect and what have you. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Recon is a one way street. Can you elaborate please? I don't follow that. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 You have control over every action and reaction that occurs in a relationship. Your 50% affects your partner's 50%. Every action/reaction you create, make, take causes an equal and equivalent action from your partner. You have complete control over 50% of the relationship. That is enough to create change in the dynamic in a relationship. Reconciliation comes from taking charge and implementing positive change based on successful actions and reactions. You bitch about her moving out, she gets angry. You stop bitching. You thank her for the oppurtunity to learn more about yourself and your feelings about the relationship. You blame her actions for driving you apart. She gets angry and starts telling you she never loved you. You stop blaming her and you start looking at your actions during the relationship. Some of you will state that these changes are motivated by your spouse. The motivation should be for yourself. Understanding your role. Understanding your contribution to the end of your marriage. Understanding yourself. Taking control of your life, rather than relying on justification for your rotten behavior based on your spouses behavior. Self growth. Every small action you take to improve on yourself can have a profound affect on everyone around you. Especially the ones you love. Consistency is key. Being honest and real about who those changes are for is important as well. Lasting change has to be about yourself, rather than reclaiming love or convincing someone that you are a good person/spouse. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 You have control over every action and reaction that occurs in a relationship. Your 50% affects your partner's 50%. Every action/reaction you create, make, take causes an equal and equivalent action from your partner. It sounds to me like what you are describing is a unilateral effort by the cheated-upon spouse to change himself to please the cheating spouse. I think this is doomed to failure. Even if somehow that brings the cheating spouse back in the short-term, if the reconciliation is not clearly mutual with both sides giving and receiving, it is bound to lead to resentment and another failure of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 You have control over every action and reaction that occurs in a relationship. Your 50% affects your partner's 50%. Every action/reaction you create, make, take causes an equal and equivalent action from your partner. You have complete control over 50% of the relationship. That is enough to create change in the dynamic in a relationship. Reconciliation comes from taking charge and implementing positive change based on successful actions and reactions. You bitch about her moving out, she gets angry. You stop bitching. You thank her for the oppurtunity to learn more about yourself and your feelings about the relationship. You blame her actions for driving you apart. She gets angry and starts telling you she never loved you. You stop blaming her and you start looking at your actions during the relationship. Some of you will state that these changes are motivated by your spouse. The motivation should be for yourself. Understanding your role. Understanding your contribution to the end of your marriage. Understanding yourself. Taking control of your life, rather than relying on justification for your rotten behavior based on your spouses behavior. Self growth. Every small action you take to improve on yourself can have a profound affect on everyone around you. Especially the ones you love. Consistency is key. Being honest and real about who those changes are for is important as well. Lasting change has to be about yourself, rather than reclaiming love or convincing someone that you are a good person/spouse. Read the entire post. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 It sounds to me like what you are describing is a unilateral effort by the cheated-upon spouse to change himself to please the cheating spouse. I think this is doomed to failure. Even if somehow that brings the cheating spouse back in the short-term, if the reconciliation is not clearly mutual with both sides giving and receiving, it is bound to lead to resentment and another failure of the relationship. You are focusing end game. Do not focus on how to skin the cat, until you have caught the cat. Link to post Share on other sites
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