She's Recently Broken up, unsure how to proceed

[defnoops]

Hi all, long time no post.

 

I've got myself a bit of a dilemma and am a little unsure how to proceed.

A friend of mine recently broke up with her BF (just over 4 weeks ago).

 

While this had seemingly been coming for a little while, the situation between her and me didn't help things (ie both on a few drinks flirting with each other at parties the 2 weekends prior), came to a head at a party where they finally split up. (Honestly here the advances were initiated by her at this point).

 

Now since then I've been stuck in the 'supportive' friend role that wants more. In hind sight, a bad move, I should have stepped way back for a while. Anyways the first few weekends we got out and about doing things, but time spent alone saw some intimacy, which would later leave her upset/confused (understandably). Now before one jumps to conclusions that I've jumped in and taken advantage, not so the case. I've been supportive, given some decent advice (which now has sort of backfired on me) and was good enough to no initiate any advances myself. Things 'started' to get a bit 'lovey' if you will but she let me know she needed to pull herself back, and that maybe less 'alone' time together was better as she seemed to lack self control a bit.

 

We get on really well and time together is always fun and a laugh. It also doesn't take much to get touchy/feely either. We've had D&M's and really talk quite well but I guess if I was really in full understanding I would be posting this.

 

She's been one that's always seemingly been in a relationship (sequentially), she's admitted she doesn't like how she changes once in one (gets jealous lots etc), and feels she needs to discover herself first as now realised doesn't want a re-occurrence. She knows how I feel, and I really do think it's somewhat reciprocated, just the timing is really bad. She's said it herself in these discussions, basically just the 'timing' of 'us' is bad.

 

We've had a week with all but very brief SMS contact (more just friendly Q&A's/info etc) but left on a really good/nice situation, where again she warned me how she can become etc, but then comments like 'I don't want to scare you away' are made, which simply increases my confusion.

Obviously I'm very hung up on this girl, she's really gorgeous (what I would think is out of my league), funny, fun, smart and genuine, really what I'm looking for. So I don't want to stuff any 'possibility' (even future) by doing something rash now.

 

This weekend we're going to a music festival so will be making contact to organise that. I guess though now I'm unsure how to proceed. I see leaving things as they are progressing simply down the 'friendszone' route, which I fear has no return. I don't think I've helped myself to much here, ie helping out, being there for her, offering advice etc.

 

Due to this difficult situation I've done none of the usual romancing, which is frustrating as I want to, to really show how I feel (while she does know from talking, it's another thing to show it), but giving the circumstances it just doesn't feel right at the moment going down that path. It has been suggested to just hit her up and go out on a proper date, but I fear this will push her away in concern, or on the flip side I may simply be what she is waiting for?

 

So two paths, but I've no idea which is right. Proceed to attempt to step things to a 'dating' level, or just keep things more casual and friendly, giving her more time etc.

[caramel drops]

Is there some connection with you and her past relationship or some dysfunction? If so, that can be a reason why she is being apprehensive. Or, other reasons could revolve around not wanting to lose you as a friend because trust me, going that extra level can definitely dissolve a friendship if it doesn't work out (if the two people don't know how to handle it emotionally).

 

I'm sure you've been on your date to the festival already but you're right, there are two routes you can chose: tell her how you feel or let it alone. The only way you're going to resolve this is by getting everything out in the air and either one or both of you face the risk of getting hurt or you could end up with a really good relationship. It's a matter of facing the risks, recognizing them, and making a decision. I agree that this is a pretty touch pickle.

 

If you are willing to accept her as only being your friend because she just isn't ready, then you need to respect it and move on. If not, then go for showing her how you feel. It's a matter of questioning what you want and how badly you want it. Not sure if this helps but thats how I would look at it. Good luck!

[defnoops]

Thanks for the reply,

 

Your definitely on the money there. We've both admitted to the difficult situation, almost like we are together yet not. Basically I've come clean and we've both outed truly how we feel. One would think it would make things easier, but surprisingly not much. I guess as nothing was really 'resolved' at this point. Not to mention hearing that someone your head over for does indeed like you is comforting yet painful at the same time within the circumstances.

 

I figured with the usual romancing so far being shelved, so a proper date was the next step. However in the few days past, she'd been thinking a lot about things since the D&M (me too). Has come to realise just not ready to jump straight back in to a serious relationship, something I guess I knew but continued to fight against. She doesn't want to hurt me and is sorry for the whole situation. I explained my understanding, I know it's hard for emotions not to take hold when there's a connection etc. So now things have been chilled off, doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't want to cost our friendship with further confusion.

 

Hard part now for me is getting past all this, haven't let myself open up and fall for a very long time, there's no switch just to turn off how you feel. How does one go back to just seeing someone they feel so close to as a really good friend.

I guess no one knows what the future holds, but I find myself 'clinging' to this thought, and I guess in the end it does exactly that, 'holds' up everything.

 

Feels like ones broken up from a relationship that never was