Need Some Support

[littlebit]

For those of you who read my last thread you know I just had bad situation with my mother regarding my wedding. I have been under a lot of stress with that situation. My fiance got laid off right before we got engaged but up to this point things have been fine. Now that his future plans have failed he has been looking for a new job for about 2 months. He has not had luck yet and our savings is running out. I have a steady job but it is not completely enough. At any rate, I have known that we need to budget during these hard times but today he just unloaded on me and I feel so completly useless, worthless, like a complete failure!! I am so numb after the problems with my family and now all of a sudden him. See, I thought I was doing everything to support him, I went along with all his ideas for new businesses, stood buy and watched him basically be unmotivated about everyone of them, then I supported him on finding a new job, but no one is hiring, and the few interviews he had they chose other candidates. I don't care about the job, I love him truly, I would stand behind him regardless. But the way he talked to me today hurt me so severly!! He says I am to sensitive but I am at my breaking point!! I am trying to do all the right things by him, my family and I am failing miserably and I don't know why!! I am hurt and angry with him. He actually asked me today what I was bringing to the relationship. Me, my love and the measily paycheck I get shouldn't even matter. I mean I am a professional and I do make a good amt. but who cares!! He started bring up complaints about things I didn't even know were issues, about our house, where I put my shoes, everything that never mattered before. I know he is stressed but I don't think I can marry a man who treats me like this. Guys I got angry and I told him if I bring nothing to the table, if that is how he feels then I am out, I love him it will hurt me but I am to smart to marry a man that feels that way and that I rather be hurt and get over it. Well, once I said this he changed his tune, he says "who said anything about not getting married" well, way I see it why marry someone who adds nothing to your life right. He also said "every guy comes to a point when they wonder am I better off alone" all these words hurt me so deeply, I can barely look at him and he is wanting me to forget it, take it as an arguement and move on. I am trying, but I guess what makes it so hard is that I truly feel I am trying so hard. He was my everything, always so kind, caring, the man I truly adored and loved. I felt like he basically blamed me for his entire financial stress. I only supported him in his decisions.

[Ronni_W]

It sounds like this was a one-time rant. I don't recall how long you've been together, but I would suggest that perhaps it would be quite drastic to break-up over just a one-time rant. As you say, his basic nature, attitude and behaviour towards is is "kind, caring."

 

He handled his accumulated stress really, really poorly. Do you have plans for a few sessions of pre-marital counseling, focusing on positive communications, and anger & stress management techniques?

 

And you are handling his lack of healthy skills in those areas poorly, as well. Also, your post is sounding as if you are feeling a bit like his 'victim'. It is so tough to eliminate a victim mindset once it takes hold. Perhaps ask the pre-marriage counselor to also throw in some stuff about maintaining healthy boundaries, proper perspectives, positive self-image -- how to separate where he ends and you begin, and vice versa.

I feel so completly useless, worthless, like a complete failure!!

That is how HE is feeling. If you were aware of your personal space (the boundaries that separate the two of you), you wouldn't have taken on these feelings as your own -- you would be clear in your mind and heart that you are useful, worthy and a success in your own life and in your relationship.

 

It is difficult, for sure. (((hugs))). Life will bring more stress so, to my mind, it will be time, energy and money well-spent, to undertake developing some of those life skills to which I referred -- they will come in handy, individually and as a couple.

 

Good luck -- I do hope you two will work things out, and have a happy and long time together.

[2sure]

I have read your other thread. I dont know anyone who didnt have second thoughts before a wedding. The whole thing is stressful on all the big levels. Financial is #1. Family is always a problem with any previous dysfunction being magnified with the events. Add your fiance losing his job to the mix. Thats a lot.

 

Since the invitations havent gone out...maybe you would like to consider putting the whole thing off just for a bit. With his job loss and motivation problem, its just too much right now. Everyone would understand, this is just one of those things and completely reasonable. It doesnt mean anything other than that, circumstances beyond your control have made you both realize that to have the wedding you want, you have to put a few ducks back in order. It is not unreasonable to hold off a wedding or any big thing when you have lost your job. It makes sense.

 

That being said: The argument you had with him, was probably just anger talking. When we are depressed or upset, overloaded - we say stupid things we dont even mean. Couples learn to "argue" without saying things we regret , but that takes awhile! (I'm still learning).

 

You love this guy, love your family - you just want everything to be normal. But right now it isn't.

 

Deposits are not the end of the world. Some venders can be understanding with a job loss.