New boyfriend's ex partner & child

[Strangefruit]

I have met the most wonderful man and am having the best time ever. In fact, the only reason we haven't spent all our time together since we met is his ex partner and their child. Don't get me wrong, I don't resent the time he spends with his child one little bit. She's fantastic and seeing them together only makes me like him more. But... having broken up with his ex only a few months ago and between then and meeting me having lived with her in a co-parent but not partner role, I am having serious trouble accepting that when he leaves my place he goes back to what used to be the 'marital' home to do his share of the childcare. He's due to move out into a place of his own in a weeks time but until things are more settled it seems that he'll be going back to his old home on a regular basis and I really don't like it. I'm trying to be reasonable, I can understand the reasons, I don't think anything's going on between him and his ex partner - but it's really hard for me.

 

I've explained how I'm feeling and he's been great about it. Listened to all my wobbles and reassured me in everyway he can but it's not helping. Anyone got a way of looking at this that will make it easier for me and stop me ruining something that could be really good if I can just get my emotions under control while things settle down?

 

Help... I don't want to muck things up just because I'm so insecure (and probably more than a bit jealous too)!

[Helly]

Hi - you have my sympathy - it's horrible to feel insecure.

 

I've felt like that sometimes with my bf and no matter what reassurance is given and no matter how illogical the insecurity is, it doesn't make the worries go away.

 

It sounds like your bf hasn't given you any other reasons for you to doubt him so, accept the current situation and choose to TRUST HIM.

 

That's what I do. I just ignore the irrational worries and doubts that pop into my head. I tell my bf about them (so he knows that I was worried by something he did) and then I tell him that I'm not worried any more 'cos I trust him. It seems to work for me.

 

I'm NOT saying that you should ignore your worries if you're in a situation where alarm bells are ringing and you are strongly that things are not right! Just ignore them when you're upset by something that, deep down, you know it's probably just your own insecurity.

 

Hope that helps. and hopefully, other loveshack folk can give you advice about more tangible ways you can deal with your situation.

[Jamie31]

I understand...we all go through insecurities sometime in our lives, and it is just something you have to learn to control and deal with. But that is what comes with dating someone who has children. They can love you soooo much, but no matter how much they love you, they will always put their child first. And if you love him, then you are just going to have to be understanding about that. I mean, put yourself in his shoes. He's just trying to do what's best for the child. And that's what he should do. I mean, what kind of parent would he be if he put your needs before his child's? When you think about it that way, it's easy to see that he is doing the right thing. Just be patient with him and understand that he is going through a hard adjustment after his divorce. Just give it time.

[Ziggue]

I was in the same situation as you a couple of months ago. I was with this great guy that I had just met but he was still living with his ex girlfriend. I only excepted it because they had a baby to look after and they were both sharing the responsibility together.

 

He managed to spend almost everyday with me during our relationship and kept assuring me that he would never go back to the girl and that everything was fine. I still had insecurities about her even after she moved out because he would still go visit and help her out everyday with the baby as well as hang out with me.

 

I found out his ex still had feelings for him. She will do anything to get him back including using the baby against him. She was even sending me threatening messages on my mobile but that didn't scare me off. I just showed them to the guy and he said he would talk to her and I just ended up ignoring them.

 

The first two weeks of our relationship was perfect but with the ex interfering all the time it was getting too hard. The guy ended up braking it off with me. He wanted to give the relationship with the ex another go and do things right by her and his baby girl. He loves her more then anything. He would do anything for that baby.

Him leaving me hurt me really bad because I get too attached to him too quickly which is not a good thing to do. Especially in that situation. Easier said then done but.

 

All you can do is support and be there for him. Try and understand what he is dealing with and help him out. His ex and the baby are always going to come first to him no matter what you do. If you can deal with that. Then that's great. Things will even be better for you if his ex partner doesn't want him back and you know for sure that they don't have feelings for eachother and won't get back together.

 

You felt the exact same way I did about everything when I was in your situation.

[Strangefruit]

Helly - I'm taking your advice and trusting him absolutely. I don't know what will happen in the long run and I don't need to. I know that right now I give him my love and he gives me his and that's more than enough. I could let my insecurity destroy everything. I could mistrust. I could let the past rule the present and the future. But I'm not going to.

 

He's a great parent and the bond between him and his daughter comes first. I understand and accept that without reservations. It's the way it should be. Dismantling a marriage type relationship is a messy business particularly when a child is involved. It is not going to be easy for him. And it's not going to be easy for me either but I think he's worth the effort.

 

Anything worth having is worth fighting for as the saying goes. If, at the end of the day, it doesn't work out at least I'll know that I've given it my best shot, enjoyed every moment and not wasted a second of my life worrying about things outside of my own control.

 

I feel fatalistic in a good way. If we're meant to be together, we will be. If we're not, we won't. At the risk of oversimplifying things, most posters to Loveshack could do well to bear this in mind. If things don't feel right, chances are they're not. If you're looking for things to go wrong, then they will. If you love, trust and look for the positives then good things will happen even if they seem like bad things at the time. Love yourself and others will love you. Love others and you will feel loved. Cliches to a word but only 'cause they're true.

 

Thanks to everyone.

[Helly]

Strangefuit - I'm so glad you're feeling better about stuff.

 

I think you're right that sometimes we have to accept that there are things beyond our control.

 

I think the key thing with the insecurity stuff is that I CHOOSE to trust. Ok, I could turn out to be wrong, my trust could be mis-placed and I could end up saying "How could I have been so stupid?!!!!" but that's life! and until something happens that makes it VERY clear that I shouldn't trust a person or situation, I can relax and enjoy stuff.

 

And, in my case, my bf is even more loving, closer, sweeter etc now because he's not getting "bad vibes" from me as he did when I was feeling insecure/ worried/ suspicious. He says that he feels more certain now that I feel as strongly for him as he does for me. When I was listening to my insecurities, my bf says I sometimes seemed to not like him or seemed cold towards him (not surprising when I had all sorts of suspicions about him spinning round inside my head!!) and that caused him to hold back on showing how he felt about me (which just made me say to myself "what's the point in running around feeling horrible and worried about this guy when he isn't even very loving/ tactile/ warm? I can live without this!") Yes, it was a vicious circle.

 

Anyway, good luck with everything. Who knows, we could both be wrong and it might turn out that all men really are lying, cheating ****s! but I don't think so...

[moongirl]

I think anyone in this kind of situation should gracefully step out of it. Who knows? Maybe you are what is standing in the way of him and the ex getting back together, and shouldn't they be together for their child's sake? And believe me, it will never get easier, not until the kid is 18. I've been with a guy for two years. His son is now five. I went into it so naive, thinking it was all going to be great, but it has been one of the hardest things I've had to deal with. It started off not so bad, but my patience wore out fast where now I can't deal with even the tiniest thing. Children are demanding, they need a LOT of time, attention, money, everything. And the ex is always starting fights with him over stupid stuff and manipulating him and using the kid to get her own way, and he's always stressed out about it and complaining about one thing or another. I wish I had never gotten involved with him, because now I have such strong feelings for him, but I know he won't be ready to settle down with me and start a family with me for a long time, because he is so wrapped up in that other drama still, and I don't know when he'll be ready to do it again. You have to be an extremely UNselfish, understanding person to deal with this. You practically have to be a saint. If I could do it over, I would have run the other way as fast as I could, but now I'm too deep into it and it's nothing but torture and hell most of the time and I wish it would just all go away.