I wonder if he'll answer me honestly about how often he sleeps with his wife

[KismetGirl]

When we first met, years ago, before the A, he mentioned it was something along the lines of every 6 weeks, and that he thought this was just 'what happened' when you got married.

 

It's 5 years later and I have to admit, I wonder how often he sleeps with her now, now that me and him are also sleeping together. Whether its the same, more, or less?

 

Im not sure I even really want to know, but I am definitely ridiculously curious. I keep trying to figure out if I should just ask or not. Or if he'll even answer me honestly. I suppose I could act like I don't care and just sarcastically say Im trying to statistically determine when's the next time he's going to get her pregnant. In which case I think I'd tell him i can't see him anymore. I don't think I could handle hearing "my wife is pregnant" for the third time since the A started. The first two times were enough, though the first time was before we started sleeping together, and the second time she got pregnant was in the 11 months that me and him had NC.

 

He's quite bad at answering questions of anythign even remotely emotional, has a habit of joking or changing the subject.

 

Not sure this is much of a question, maybe Im just thinking out loud?

 

I might see him tomorrow. maybe i'll just come out and ask him after sex. I hear men's thinking is more "woman like" after sex. Or is that a myth? Hmmmm.

[JamesM]

Two questions come to mind....

 

Why do you want/need to know?

 

Why should you believe him when he tells you...as he is showing that he is not being honest with his wife?

 

Okay, one more question.....

 

Will YOU believe him when he tells you how often?

[whichwayisup]

If you ask, be prepared to hear the answer, truth or not, you may not like what he has to say. Anyway, if he's smart, he'll tell you what you want to hear.

 

Ask yourself this.. How are YOU going to feel if he says, "I actually have more sex with my wife now since the affair started."

 

I think you should assume that he does have a sex life with his wife and leave it at that. The guy IS married, he sleeps next to her in the same bed..

[Ronni_W]

Maybe it would help if you knew how his answer would change things for you? What if he said, "Never"? And what if he said, "Every freakin' chance I can get!"?

If it would make a difference to my own feelings but I wanted to stay with him, I'd just appease my own curiosity by telling myself that it is 'never' or close thereto...and ask my mind to leave it at that.

 

Since you're not even sure that you'll get a straight answer, anyway, no matter what he answers will still leave you wondering (I'm thinking.) So, may as well just fill in your own 'blank', in a way that works best for what you want. At least, that's what I'd be doing.

 

Hugs and good luck.

[Geishawhelk]

I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

I think you're looking for more commitment, and in a way, you want to know if he's being 'faithful' to you.

 

I think you'd love for him to leave his wife and make a new life with you.

I think you're looking for a way to give an ultimatum.....

 

I think.

 

[dannydrifter]

Ask yourself this.. How are YOU going to feel if he says, "I actually have more sex with my wife now since the affair started."

 

IMO I highly doubt a spouse would be receiving more sex than the partner of an active affair would.

[Owl]

I would hazard a guess that this is probably the most common subject that a MM engaged in an affair would lie about.

[KismetGirl]

Two questions come to mind....

 

Why do you want/need to know?

 

Why should you believe him when he tells you...as he is showing that he is not being honest with his wife?

 

Okay, one more question.....

 

Will YOU believe him when he tells you how often?

 

Why do I want to know? Im not sure, really. Morbid curiosity probably more than anything. Also, that sarcastic remark is slightly truthful, as in Im curious that if they ARE still sleeping together on any regular basis, she'll probably get pregnant again within the year, as her being catholic precludes any birth control usage, which would somewhat prepare me for saying "good bye" to him. Like I said, him having three kids is enough of a headache, him having four might be enough to push me over the edge and just lose it and tell him to eff off.

 

Im not sure I would believe him. I could say that Im pretty good at determining when he's lying, but then again, I'm sure his wife thinks the same thing about her ability to determine when he's lying.

 

So, I guess, honestly Im just really curious. We used to be more "open" and discussed things like that before we slept together. Now that we are, he obviously discuss anything concerning his wife with me anymore or his marital problems like he did when we were just friends, because he assumes that any mention of his wife would bother me, which I guess it does, but it doesn't stop me from being curious about it.....

[whichwayisup]

So, I guess, honestly Im just really curious. We used to be more "open" and discussed things like that before we slept together. Now that we are, he obviously discuss anything concerning his wife with me anymore or his marital problems like he did when we were just friends, because he assumes that any mention of his wife would bother me, which I guess it does, but it doesn't stop me from being curious about it.....

 

His marriage is his business. He knows you're more attached to him than before, so he more than likely is going to downplay and minimize how much sex he has at home.

 

IMO I highly doubt a spouse would be receiving more sex than the partner of an active affair would.

 

Actually there have been afew MM who have posted and said that the affair made them have MORE sex with their wives. You'd be surprised..

[porter218]

You shouldn't bother. You will not beleive what he says anyway. Maybe he will not get her pregnant while you 2 are sleeping together since he has never done that before.

[porter218]

IMO I highly doubt a spouse would be receiving more sex than the partner of an active affair would.

I did. My H was probably sleeping with OW about 2 times a week, but he was having sex with me 1 or 2 times a day.

[JamesM]

The idea of an affair IMO is to live a fantasy. Any mention of the real world (ie the marriage) is going to bring that fantasy crashing back to earth. And this reality may change the perception.

 

If he avoids his marriage, it is out of guilt and out of "respect" to his wife...as well as preventing an argument with you. Whenever he mentions his wife, he is reminded that you are not his wife. Whenever he mentions his wife, he remembers the family he is betraying.

 

How would you feel if he told you what he and his wife did every day? Would you feel better about him if he fought with her a lot, or would you feel better if he got along with her?

 

Since you mentioned that three children is enough to deal with, would you be prepared to live with him AND his children? Do you expect that this may happen? Or are YOU living for today?

 

And as WWIU said, do you want to hear a particular answer and are you prepared to hear "the truth?"

 

IMO it is better to live an affair day by day. He is married, so the ball is in his court. If he decides to leave his wife, then he should be the one to say it. If he still has sex with his wife, then let it be.

 

An affair is best lived day by day.

 

Enjoy the fantasy of today before the reality of tomorrow arrives.

[JamesM]

I did. My H was probably sleeping with OW about 2 times a week, but he was having sex with me 1 or 2 times a day.

 

WWIU said this, too.

 

Out of curiosity, why?

 

Based on this...those of us in sexless marriages would be better off in an unknown affair.

 

Sorry...question off topic. Hopefully it can get a quick answer.

[KismetGirl]

Maybe it would help if you knew how his answer would change things for you? What if he said, "Never"? And what if he said, "Every freakin' chance I can get!"?

If it would make a difference to my own feelings but I wanted to stay with him, I'd just appease my own curiosity by telling myself that it is 'never' or close thereto...and ask my mind to leave it at that.

 

Since you're not even sure that you'll get a straight answer, anyway, no matter what he answers will still leave you wondering (I'm thinking.) So, may as well just fill in your own 'blank', in a way that works best for what you want. At least, that's what I'd be doing.

 

Hugs and good luck.

 

That's a good point, Ronnie

 

I guess if he said "never" or said that it was the same or less than before (less than every 6-8 weeks) or even less than that, it would be some sort of assuage to the ego to know that at the least, I get more of SOMETHING than she does from him, because hell, she gets everything else from him.

 

Just because he sleeps next to her in the same bed, doesn't mean they are having sex all the time, of course, but it could mean they do, who knows. He doesn't actually tell me these things, because obviously, he assumes hearing anything about her on any level would bother me. he doesn't even mention her. He was invited to the neigbor's place for a BBQ, and obviously him and his wife were invited, but he'll just say "someone is expecting me at that BBQ tonight". Or when he went to a wedding he got too drunk to drive home so "someone" had to drive the car. Won't even say "she" in my presence, let alone her name.

 

Occasionally he'll say something remotely related to her, like this song came on the radio and he said "oh, this was my wedding song I think" and I was just like "why the hell would you think that I am remotely interested in knowing what the hell you danced to at your wedding????" Seriously, men can be so dense sometimes.

 

But yeah. I guess if he came and told me "yes, we sleep together at least weekly" I'd be dissapointed. But alas, im not sure if that or my morbid curiousity wins out at this juncture. Though, I've been curious for quite some time and haven't asked yet....I think more for fear of "ruining the moment" in the limited time we get together, by bringing up things to do with his wife.

 

You think its possible getting laid regularly by me has somehow increased his getting laid at home too? Because when we first met, the W didn't seem very interested in sex very often, as far as he seemed to express himself. He's never used that information to get me into bed. Took him four more years of knowing me before he even got past his guilt to sleep with me. So while many MM's do lie about that to elicit sympathy, Im not sure this is his MO in this case....

 

So, any MM's out there care to share just how much they "stretch" the truth when telling their OW's how often you are getting nooky at home?

[KismetGirl]

WWIU said this, too.

 

Out of curiosity, why?

 

Based on this...those of us in sexless marriages would be better off in an unknown affair.

 

Sorry...question off topic. Hopefully it can get a quick answer.

 

sorry, could you clarify what you mean by "those of us in a sexless marriage would be better off in an unkown affair"?

 

Do mean that if you aren't getting sex at home from your spouse, it's better that you have an affair to fullfill that on the side? Or am I reading this wrong entirely, as I suspect I might be?

[porter218]

WWIU said this, too.

 

Out of curiosity, why?

 

Based on this...those of us in sexless marriages would be better off in an unknown affair.

 

Sorry...question off topic. Hopefully it can get a quick answer.

I doubt that would work. That sex during that time in our marriage was less satisfying to me. I felt more anger and rage towards him because I sensed something was off...so my enjoyment of the sex was much less. Plus our sex life has always been at that rate ...It didn't increase or decrease with his A.

[Owl]

What would you DO about it if he told you that he was 'with' her weekly or more often?

[KismetGirl]

The idea of an affair IMO is to live a fantasy. Any mention of the real world (ie the marriage) is going to bring that fantasy crashing back to earth. And this reality may change the perception.

 

If he avoids his marriage, it is out of guilt and out of "respect" to his wife...as well as preventing an argument with you. Whenever he mentions his wife, he is reminded that you are not his wife. Whenever he mentions his wife, he remembers the family he is betraying.

 

How would you feel if he told you what he and his wife did every day? Would you feel better about him if he fought with her a lot, or would you feel better if he got along with her?

 

I dont know. I think I might feel more like I understood him if he told me they were fighting every day, or they never had sex. I think because I often wonder WHY he has let himself get involved in this A. he has expressed to me the massive guilt he harbors as a result of his actions, and the look on his face when he is telling me this really makes me believe he has guilt because he is vastly uncomfortable discussing things like this, and yet, he continues to see me. In the frist couple of years of our A he wouldn't even had sex with me, because he felt too guilty to "perform" if you catch my drift, but all of a sudden, after a year of NC, we start to speak again and now we're having sex every week without problem. And on top of it, it gets better and more intense physiically as time goes. So I often, I guess, just wonder why he does this. he seems so stricken with guilt and he was almost caught by his wife twice already and freaked out when she almost found out, and he still comes back to me. I guess knowing what goes on at home would help me understand the situation and why he bothers with this A. Curiousity, again, I guess.

 

Since you mentioned that three children is enough to deal with, would you be prepared to live with him AND his children? Do you expect that this may happen? Or are YOU living for today?

 

I don't expect he will leave his family anytime soon, if ever. His kids range in age from 5 years old down to a few months old. Even if he left it wouldnt be till they were older, and Im not sitting around for 15-20 years waiting for that to happen. If he DID ever leave to be with me, I'd deal with the kids and the baggage. the W would probably have custody of them most of the week anyway, but I think I would try if it meant being happy with him in the long run.

 

And as WWIU said, do you want to hear a particular answer and are you prepared to hear "the truth?"

 

IMO it is better to live an affair day by day. He is married, so the ball is in his court. If he decides to leave his wife, then he should be the one to say it. If he still has sex with his wife, then let it be.

 

An affair is best lived day by day.

 

Enjoy the fantasy of today before the reality of tomorrow arrives.

 

You're probably right. I do generally live it day to day, its just that sometimes my emotions become overwhelmed and i just need to KNOW things, or I feel like I'll go crazy. In the end I don't know if I will be happy to hear the answers, but things like knowing what goes on at home, what his relationship with his W is like nowadays, do they have sex, and how he feels about me are all morbic curiousities that I have trouble totally pushing out of my mind, I guess...

[JamesM]

sorry, could you clarify what you mean by "those of us in a sexless marriage would be better off in an unkown affair"?

 

I was referring to my own situation...not yours or your MMs.

 

Do mean that if you aren't getting sex at home from your spouse, it's better that you have an affair to fullfill that on the side? Or am I reading this wrong entirely, as I suspect I might be?

 

That was my question, but as porter said, I doubt it would work.

 

Although when many married men have affairs, THIS is either the real reason or the given reason that they choose to have an affair.

[JamesM]

 

 

I don't expect he will leave his family anytime soon, if ever. His kids range in age from 5 years old down to a few months old. Even if he left it wouldnt be till they were older, and Im not sitting around for 15-20 years waiting for that to happen. If he DID ever leave to be with me, I'd deal with the kids and the baggage. the W would probably have custody of them most of the week anyway, but I think I would try if it meant being happy with him in the long run.

 

 

So, he has had all of his children while you two have had your affair?

 

If that is the case, then you at least know that he has had sex quite a few times while the two of you have had sex.

 

If his wife becomes pregnant, then what will this tell you?

(Actually, even if they had sex once or twice she could get pregnant). How would you feel.

[KismetGirl]

So, he has had all of his children while you two have had your affair?

 

If that is the case, then you at least know that he has had sex quite a few times while the two of you have had sex.

 

If his wife becomes pregnant, then what will this tell you?

(Actually, even if they had sex once or twice she could get pregnant). How would you feel.

 

No, they had their first child before I met him. Im sorry, she must be 6 by now then, my mistake. She was about a year old when I met him.

 

The second one was conceived after me and him had begun an EA and were kissing and fooling around at the office, but it was long before me and him slept together. i actually predicted with some certainty she was going to get pregnant. They'd gone to a wedding and gotten really drunk and I made a joke to him that she probably "gave him some" and "watch she tells you in two months she's preggers" or something to that effect, and lo and behold like 6-7 weeks later he tells me she said she's pregnant.

 

The third one was conceived during the year of NC me and him had. Call me crazy for thinking this is a coincidence, but the third child was conceived right around his birthday, around the same time I'd sent him an email , saying happy birthday and joking around that "maybe you should use your birthday to actually get some action from the wife?" It just seems to me that they don't sleep together often, and I know people seem to think that to have two kids in three years you need to be sleeping together alot, but she spent 18 months out of those three years pregnant, and then recovery time after birth, so I really don't think they had to have sex too many times before she got pregnant each time. We didn't speak for nearly a year other than that email from me to him on his birthday, and an email to me on my birthday to tell me "im sorry I cant be with you to celebrate this year, but things are still really f**ked up at home" (his wife had found out about his fooling around with me a few months after she was pregnant with their second child, which is what prompted the NC. I gave them time to work on thier M, which apparently worked wonders as he's yet again back to me...)

 

I know for a fact (mutual friends being good sources of info as well) that he has never cheated on his W with anyone before me, and not with anyone else since meeting me, either. Im not sure if it's because he feels comfortable with me, or knows that I won't go tell his W, or that I don't tend to demand alot from him for several reasons. I've never asked him to leave his W for me, for example, and told him I never would ask him to do it.

 

maybe im just seeing coincidence because it makes me feel better. who knows.

[dannydrifter]

I did. My H was probably sleeping with OW about 2 times a week, but he was having sex with me 1 or 2 times a day.

 

Then I don't get why he would need to seek sex elsewhere. I mean, if he was having sex 1-2 times a day then obviously your h was very physically attracted to you. Maybe I am thinking more along the lines of a MM who is having sex with other ladies because he isn't all that attracted to his own wife anymore. Hopefully your H's extra marital affairs aren't still going on, in any case I am sorry to hear that and hope you are well.

[bish]

It's 5 years later and I have to admit, I wonder how often he sleeps with her now, now that me and him are also sleeping together. Whether its the same, more, or less?

 

Im not sure I even really want to know, but I am definitely ridiculously curious. I keep trying to figure out if I should just ask or not. Or if he'll even answer me honestly.

 

he is a cheater and a liar. Why would you think he'll answer you honestly?

 

And 5 years? isn't it about time to find your own man?

[JamesM]

he is a cheater and a liar. Why would you think he'll answer you honestly?

 

And 5 years? isn't it about time to find your own man?

 

I think her question was not...how can I find my own man?

 

While I recognize that you have been cheated on, everyone has not felt your pain.

 

 

Kismet, I still think that leaving this issue alone is best. You have had enough history with him, and you have a pretty good idea of what his past with her has been. The question seems more of an insecurity regarding the two of you than it does a curiosity regarding his marriage and sex life.

 

I predict nothing good from such a discussion.

[2sure]

Ive posted this before and Im saying it again because it amazes me that it isnt obvious. My husband and I have talked about this. Having sex, makes you want to have more sex. If having sex with you is exciting to him, you can bet money his sex life with his wife has improved. Its very common.

 

Especially since your MM had chances long ago to leave (before having more children) ,and he chose to stay with his wife although he didnt have to - he clearly really enjoys having his wife and you on the side. He sincerely likes it so very much he cant give up either of you. Its awful, but the benefit to both you and his wife is the great sex!