I wonder if he'll answer me honestly about how often he sleeps with his wife

[JamesM]

James, I think you and I are in one of those phases where we're just not gonna see eye to eye, my friend.

 

I respectfully suggest we both continue to post our views and agree to disagree.

 

I agree. As long as our views apply to the questions being posed, then it is a good thing for the OP to hear differing opinions.

[KismetGirl]

I've never told him I love him. He's got no clue how deep my feelings run. I act like I don't care. He thinks if he doesn't see me, then Im just dissapointed Im not getting laid that day. I'm crushed he can't see me today, even though he's got a legitimate reason. All week all I've wanted is to lay next to him for one hour and just feel him hug me and forget about my crappy, stressful, depressing existence for one effing hour.

As long as you act like you don't care he will never have to face up to the truth of what he's doing - making you feel crap. Why should you put on an act? What is the point of this relationship if you can't at least say how you feel. That doesn't mean he's going to leave his wife for you. But at least you can say it is an honest relationship.

 

I've done the whole acting like I don't care routine like you're doing - it does not work. Men just think you're hard and therefore strong enough to take any old crap from them. Be yourself, whatever the outcome might be.

 

that seems to be the opposite of the advice I got when I asked in another thread if I should tell MM how I feel about him. most people seemed to think, as I thought all this time, that telling him was pointless and it would just scare him away and make me feel worse about it.

 

Either way, I wanted to tell him, but I guess I keep waiting for the right "moment'. We used to have longer periods of time together, actually going out and such, but lately its been very brief and it seems like such a intense thing for me to share with him while feeling so...pressured under time, or rushed.

 

I keep thinking I'll just wait until we actually have a few hours together, and I can relax a bit to tell him ,or I'll just spill everything when it's all over, when it's ending. like when his wife finds out. or , maybe even, if i meet someone else and end it first.

 

dunno which is better at this point....

[Mellie]

In my situation my xMM would tell me he no longer slept with his W.

 

He said he showed little interest in her.Of course being the OW I wanted to believe him.

 

But when I spoke with his W it was a whole other story,I just flat out asked her and she was told me they had a very sexual relationship.

 

Was she lying I doubt it because MM was standing right there when everything came out in the open.

 

I was crushed I felt horrible that he could be lying to me,I could imagine how she felt.

[jwi71]

that seems to be the opposite of the advice I got when I asked in another thread if I should tell MM how I feel about him. most people seemed to think, as I thought all this time, that telling him was pointless and it would just scare him away and make me feel worse about it.

 

Either way, I wanted to tell him, but I guess I keep waiting for the right "moment'. We used to have longer periods of time together, actually going out and such, but lately its been very brief and it seems like such a intense thing for me to share with him while feeling so...pressured under time, or rushed.

 

I keep thinking I'll just wait until we actually have a few hours together, and I can relax a bit to tell him ,or I'll just spill everything when it's all over, when it's ending. like when his wife finds out. or , maybe even, if i meet someone else and end it first.

 

dunno which is better at this point....

 

What needs of yours are being met in this relationship?

What needs of yours go unfulfilled? Can your MM fulfill them?

[John Who]

It is not your business whohe is sleeping with,just because you have sex with him,does not mean he is obligated to tell you about his sex life with his wife.

 

Even if you asked him,he most likely will not tell you the truth.

 

Why have things changed and you two are no longer as open with each other,well maybe it could be because you are showing to much emotion even though you do not realize it,and he feels if I tell her about my M it's only going to piss her off and then where will I get my sidedish now.

 

Of course at first he was going to tell you all the problems with his wife,how else do you think he was going to get you in bed.

[Billie63]

that seems to be the opposite of the advice I got when I asked in another thread if I should tell MM how I feel about him. most people seemed to think, as I thought all this time, that telling him was pointless and it would just scare him away and make me feel worse about it.

 

Either way, I wanted to tell him, but I guess I keep waiting for the right "moment'. We used to have longer periods of time together, actually going out and such, but lately its been very brief and it seems like such a intense thing for me to share with him while feeling so...pressured under time, or rushed.

 

I keep thinking I'll just wait until we actually have a few hours together, and I can relax a bit to tell him ,or I'll just spill everything when it's all over, when it's ending. like when his wife finds out. or , maybe even, if i meet someone else and end it first.

 

dunno which is better at this point....

 

Yes in that thread I suggested you detach yourself from him. At that point I thought you were getting in too deep with him. But it's plain to see from the posts you've written since then that you're already in there!

 

If it's truly love that you feel for him then I believe you should tell him. I think honesty is one of the most important things to strive for in any relationship. But you're right, best to do when you're relaxed.

[Lizzie60]

Why do you want to know?

 

Anyway. Once, a long time ago. Before we had that year of NC. He was drunk. I tend to believe that truthfulness can come out when drunk but I asked him not to say crap to me when he's incapable of saying it sober and that in the long run he's not going to do anything about it so why bother to tell me anyway. I just didn't believe it, it means nothing to me when it's said after a bunch of beer. Hasn't said it since. Never acknowledged saying it that night. Seems like he's wanted to sometimes, but as I said earlier, he's emotionally stunted sometimes and trying to talk about his feelings is akin to ripping off his own arm, which to be honest is probably part of the reason him and his wife have problems, because he doesn't talk about things that bother him and she doesn't ask when it's obvious that something's amiss.

 

I normally do ask, but in this case, I want to hear it and at the same time wonder, what's the point....he's not going to break up his family for me anyway. But hearing what happened today, it makes me wonder if maybe you shouldn't just let people know how you feel. Sometimes you never get the chance and I think that ends up hurting worse than rejection.

 

I've never told him I love him. He's got no clue how deep my feelings run. I act like I don't care. He thinks if he doesn't see me, then Im just dissapointed Im not getting laid that day. I'm crushed he can't see me today, even though he's got a legitimate reason. All week all I've wanted is to lay next to him for one hour and just feel him hug me and forget about my crappy, stressful, depressing existence for one effing hour.

 

I swear, I will never let myself get into something like this again. First and last MM in my life, ever. This is torture.

 

The guy I work with went home early today just now. I wonder how he's going to explain to his wife why he's so upset today....tell her an old friend from school died, maybe. Sad.

 

Never say never..

 

I bet you never thought you'd be an OW one day..

[KismetGirl]

Never say never..

 

I bet you never thought you'd be an OW one day..

 

 

No, didn't really plan to be an OW, and now that I know how much it f**king sucks I don't ever want to be it again. I let myself get in deep this time. Next time I won't let him kiss me, I won't flirt, I won't encourage it. I told myself i could just have a fling and i wouldnt get attached. Didnt work out.

 

Its one thing to just have a sex thing and not care whether or not the person can ever be with you. When all you do is want them and know you can never have them , its the worst feeling in the world.

 

never again.

[OWoman]

Actually it was 75% of British cheating men who were surveyed. And how many men were surveyed? What was their status after the survey? Were these men who were divorced or men who were reconciling with their wives? Men in reconciliation will be more inclined to take the blame to avoid further conflict.

 

Nope - it was 75% of cheating male Daily Mirror readers who were surveyed. If you know the UK media market at all, you'll know that the Daily Mirror is a rag, dishing sensation rather than news, and appealing to a certain type of reader (a bit like a print version of the Jerry Springer Show). More discerning readers read the Times, the Telegraph (if they're conservative) or the Guardian (if they're progressive). So immediately you're getting a skewed sample.

 

Not only of those who read that particular newspaper, but those who'd recognise themselves sufficiently in the premise to wish to complete it. I'd be interested in the questions you ask about the sample, and others beside, such as:

 

* how many respondents completed the survey?

* what was the demographic profile of these respondents in terms of education level, social class, age distribution, geographic distribution, type of occupation, etc?

* how does the demographic profile of the sample compare with the demographic profile nationally? To what extent is the sample representative?

 

I suspect it's more like one of those "reported goes down to their local and asks the first ten blokes" kind of surveys - good fun and catches the readers' attention, but has no scientific validity.

[OWoman]

At least the transaction with a prostitute is honest. But in the beginning of the affair, it is mostly BS from the MM.

 

I have never known any MM tell a potential OW: "Look, the wife hasn't given me a BJ in two years but I'm not leaving her cos I love her to bits, she's a great mother and she cooks a mean roast. Plus, I'm not letting the bitch take half my pension and the house and half my wages. But you'll do for now, you're gorgeous - I won't be able to spend much time on you but I expect you to be available to see me at the drop of a hat and always be up for some hot sex. You and I will never spend the holidays together and will rarely go out to dinner in case we're spotted. And if my wife finds out about us I will simply tell her you meant nothing to me and it was you who did all the chasing and that you're a nutjob."

 

How many women would say yes to that? No wonder MM have to lie in the beginning to get what they want..

 

It all depends on the expectations of the OW. I've never had a MM spew me any BS during an A - neither at the outset, nor later on. I've always stated clearly at the outset that my expectations were hot sex, on demand when I wanted, none of that emotional BS, no hanging around once I was done with them, and if they want someone to wash their socks, breed their offspring, listen to how awful their boss / wife / day was, wipe their fevered brow and cook them meals - that's their W's job, not mine. And, they'd have to accept that they were one of many, and that if ever they weren't immediately available when I required, they'd simply be deleted from the list. Those were the terms, and by agreeing to those they felt no obligation to overpromise or lie about soppy futures they knew I wasn't interested in and would result in their immediate ejection (and did, for those that did overstep that line).

 

So, sorry, have to disagree with you on that one.

[Lizzie60]

I do not believe in most surveys..

 

People can answer just about anything on a survey.

 

A lot of men will not admit, even on an anonymous survey, that they cheat.

 

And for some men, unless there is penetration, there is no cheating... so these surveys do not reflect reality IMO.

 

And for some men, going with a surrogate partner is not cheating.. because there is money involved...

 

Surveys = Bull *crap

[OWoman]

Believe it or not, most men want sex with their wives. But when the wives do not want it or even attempt to pretend to want it, then the men feel that if the promise to stay faithful is not being reciprocated, then why is extramarital sex any worse than the wife's withholding of sex?

 

Does that mean the men are not to blame? No. What it does mean is that it takes two to make a marriage work. And speaking for myself I can say that I have exhausted almost every possible means to make my wife realize the importance of sex. She knows we do not have enough, but like a person with a full belly, since she has no hunger she cannot understand my "hunger."

 

I fault nobody who has affairs. I do not say I condone them, but I understand the reasoning behind them. And to simply say that it is "just an ego boost" is false. For many people who cheat (if not the majority), the affair would NOT have happened if their partners had been more attentive to their needs.

 

What? I thought marriage was 100% giving? It is, but it isn't. When the man or woman keeps giving and nothing is returned in gratitude, then eventually even the strongest become resentful and exhausted.

 

Oh yes, I know the next protest. The cheater should be more attentive to his partner, too. If he had only tried a little harder or spent more time with his wife, then things may have been different. And that may be true, but it is surprising to me that most people DO try everything possible to change the situation. And as long as they have yet something else to try, the hope remains alive that the marriage may still be happy.

 

I can say with 100% confidence that most people who say "If I had only known before, then I would have changed" would not have changed. Why? Because the urgency for change came only after the realization of how bad the marriage was. Without the affair, the partner who thought sex was not important would have never changed. If I went to my wife and said that "Things need to change, because I think next month when I meet Sally I just may end up in an affair," do you honestly think she will say, "You have a good point. I need to change some things." I highly doubt it. The fact is....she will act towards me as if I already had the affair...instead of looking at it as a wakeup call.

 

As Lizzie said, these wives (and some husbands) figure that their partner will remain faithful even when they themselves selfishly withhold sex.

 

I am living it. And yes, I believe that at some point if things do not change, I will break. As long as I have hope, then I can keep trying.

 

James I think there is another dimension at work too. For some withholding Ws - and I'm qualifying it by saying "some", as I think this applies in a quite specific context to do with self-esteem and body image - the withholding, but having the H remain failthful, is affirmation to the W of their continued desirability. While some women have their desirability affirmed by appreciative glances, comments or come-ons from men, and others by the look of desire and hot passionate sex that follows from their SO, and still others from their own recognition of their attractiveness in a glance in a mirror or a reflection in a shop window, for some Ws who have born children and gained weight, become a little saggy with age or just lost touch with their bodies, the act of undressing - no matter how appreciative the audience - can feel deeply threatening and undermining to their esteem as they spot another dimple of cellulite, another wrinkle of once-firm flesh. They may feel alienated from their bodies, and feel that they are simply being "used" in sex as a masturbatory aid. Rather, to them, the evidence of their power, their desirability, issues from their SO forsaking all others DESPITE not getting any from them. That they still embody the epitome of desirability to the extent that desire for others perishes, even while not putting out themselves. The withholding is what makes them sexy - to their own minds. So that it becomes a trade off. By giving in to their SO and yielding to sex, they're sacrificing their own power and desirability.

 

Sorry Kismet for the t/j.