What is divorce like?

[JustBreathe]

People say divorce is hell. What was the hardest thing for you?

[Geishawhelk]

Being ostracised by my two daughters.

After 4 years of NC it still hurts, and always will.

[Nomad1]

Emotional labour, particularly when children are involved. Financial instability which may take a while to remedy. People say you can move on, but when there are children involved, you can't totally move on without them. This can impact on new relationships.

 

Nomad1

[Lishy]

Divorce can be very happy if the marriage was volatile or abusive

 

the worst thing is the kids always pay the price in one way or another!

[flc]

For me the process itself and the first couple of months was emotionally painful. But since then I find my life a lot better as I no longer am trying to please someone who could not be pleased and I have gotten past the idealized view of having the same partner for life. My situation would be worse if I did not have custody of my daughter. I am sure an empty house would make the situation a bit more painful. I also have to deal with her emotional issues which at 15 can swing quite dramatically. She has a very contentious relationship with her mother which I have to try and broker the best I can.

 

With all of that it was still the right thing to do and I only regret we probably spent too much time making it work when it was not salvageable.

[BlueHarvest]

As testimony to the contrary. When I was a small child (age 4) my father abused my mother alot. She divorced him due to many reasons (including the abuse), and even though I "hated" my step father for quite a few years (probably a total of 10 years...waning throughout the years however) it was only a childish hate really.

 

Early on it was rough. I couldn't get used to him at all and I wanted "dad". However by the time I reached 9 I had gotten used to him but still didn't completely like him. By 14 there was no more animosity (other then the usual parental animosity stuff) of him being my step-father. By 18 I had come to respect him a great deal.

 

Now at the age of 24 I actually think I love him a bit more then my mother..It's silly but looking back I know that if I had grown up with my biological father...I would be in a far worse state/situation today then I am now.

 

And to those who mention that breakups are hard on children...you are quite right. But bad relationships in the parents eventually filter onto the kids no matter what and that isn't right either.

 

In the end I think people need to do what is best for them...for their emotions and mental health. Happy Parents are Good Parents.

[GreenEyedLady]

What was the hardest thing for you?

 

Knowing I should have done it sooner.

[Lishy]

The bottom line is that ANY divorce, be it bad or sad or terrible is MUCH better then a miserable marriage!

[marlena]

Liberation. A huge relief. A burden of my shoulders. Life was wonderful again.

[PWSX3]

Liberation. A huge relief. A burden of my shoulders. Life was wonderful again.

I don't know your story so this is just a general question.

 

Sometimes isn't divorce an easy way out?

 

A good marriage takes work, compromise, sacrifice, and it seems like some people just give up because it is easier to just have to worry about themselves.

 

A friend of mine was married & after her divorce she has realized she wasn't meant to be married, she doesn't want the responsibility to have to share with someone else, she likes to do just what she wants to do.

[marlena]

A friend of mine was married & after her divorce she has realized she wasn't meant to be married, she doesn't want the responsibility to have to share with someone else, she likes to do just what she wants to do.

 

Good for your friend. This shows that she has self-awareness and a good understanding of what she does or doesn't want out of life. Not wanting the responsibilties and hard work of a marriage is an individual freedom, a right that we all have. No one should be forced to be or stay in an unhappy situation.

 

Some people are just not cut out for the married life just as some others are not happy being single. What is important is to know yourself and to yourself be true. Perhaps if people reflected more deeply on their suitability for marriage, then, we wouldn't have so many divorces.

[Lizzie60]

the hardest thing for me was the helplessness I felt about my ex (he got very sick physically and depressed) but most of all it was to see how sad my son was.. this broke my heart.. and to this day I still feel sadness about this.

[Karma101]

I felt like a failure, like I "failed" in making my marriage work. In reality, and with a bit of clarity, I realize I did everything humanly possible to make things work with my XH. And now, like someone else posted, I wonder why I didn't do it sooner!

 

Happily Divorced and stilling waiting for the "One"...

[zazue]

I think divorce is a lot like someone whom you have loved for almost half your life has suddenly died, except they keep crawling out of their grave, trying their best to drag you down into the earth with them.

 

NC is the best way to go (or LC if you have kids, and, or a business, and ONLY talk about that). I say good-bye and hang up on my STBXH if he starts verbally abusing me, and goes off on any other subject other than our son, and business.

 

He's the one who left after I found out about his affair. (yeah I did kick his cheating, abusive self out with the help of the police), but you must be strong. I tried being nice, but I was just letting him have his cake, and eat it too. That tactic only gave him more power over me.

 

I have changed the locks on MY home (he lives with the OW, nowhere else to go). Now I feel stronger, and I get stronger everyday. I am disabled, and am totally dependant on my STBXH for money aside from my $700.00 disability check each month, and that will not even cover my mortgage.

 

I have friends and family who will care for me, even though through the years he tried to alienate me from them all.

 

You will heal. You will get stronger. You will be okay.

 

We are all here for you!

[jockson]

Before if you want to take divorce from your life partner, think about the "Marriage".

If you take divorce then there is no meaning for Marriage. If we have any troubles in our life, we have to compromise and understand to each other.Instead of that we won't go for divorce. Really "Marriage" is a holy thing in the life.

[zazue]

Before if you want to take divorce from your life partner, think about the "Marriage".

If you take divorce then there is no meaning for Marriage. If we have any troubles in our life, we have to compromise and understand to each other.Instead of that we won't go for divorce. Really "Marriage" is a holy thing in the life.

 

My Father is a reverend, and a board certified psychologist. When one person who is without the lord in their life breaks the covanent of a holy marriage vow. The other is free to go on.

[n9688m]

To vow never to fall in love with another and stay faithful to one.

 

The "stay faithful" is the issue. Barring violence or drug/alcohol issues, I think many if not most marriages could be salvaged if the unhappy partner sought counseling before engaging in an affair. Once an affair occurs, the situation is magnified enormously.

 

Sure both partners always have some role in causing someone to want to have an affair - but the person who actually has the affair is 100% at fault for doing so. Any other conclusion is just rationalization or revisionist history.

[amaysngrace]

Divorce is like a second chance at life when you know you've made a mistake.

 

I think it's actually easier when kids are involved simply because it gives the marriage a purpose rather than it being all bad. It makes it seem worthwhile. And it's hard to be bitter when so much good came out of it.

 

My exH is family to me because he is my children's father. He always will be. He's like a brother that I can pick on from time to time now.

[n9688m]

And it's hard to be bitter when so much good came out of it.

 

Nonsense - that sounds to me like rationalization used by those who break their marriage vows.

 

It may be easy for parents to get a "second chance" after divorce, but the legacy effects on children are clear in both the real world and the academic literature.

 

My exH is family to me because he is my children's father. He always will be. He's like a brother that I can pick on from time to time now.

 

So why did you get divorced?

 

Better question - why did you get married?

[ilmw]

I am the last person to condone divorce unless it is in a case of an abusive and truly unhealthy marriage.

 

When two people get married... they are meant to be sure. They take vowes... and make promises. It is not a really hard concept to get ones head around. You make a promise... YOU keep it.

 

Now maybe... I am old fashioned... (don't look it) but I do believe in promises. Honour and integrity. I made a vow to my ex-wife.. to cheries love and all that other wonderful stuff... I know I could have died a happy old man.. staying married to her... but

 

She did not have the same concept of love as I... she had a Holywood concept... which... is kinda hard to maintain. Also... communication was an issue.... she just got mad at me... for doing or not doing what she wanted or needed.... no clue. By no means am I blaming her for it all... no way... we all have a part to blame.... but I learned what mine was... It seems she has not.... and that is why she is and has been with someone else for some time now.

 

I should not be divorced.... I would not be... if my ex-wife did not give up on us... or marriage and our family. We are it seems .... not suited to be together.... and it is true... you can not make someone feel and think the way you do.... they have to want it too.

 

Now... I'm all better now... I just shake my head.. at her... and the life she is creating.... I used to get upset... mad ... angry... even jealous... but... Nahhh done with that.

 

Moving / moved on ... as they say.

 

Little long winded... but... you asked for it...

 

ilmw

[amaysngrace]

Nonsense - that sounds to me like rationalization used by those who break their marriage vows.

 

It may be easy for parents to get a "second chance" after divorce, but the legacy effects on children are clear in both the real world and the academic literature.

 

 

Hmmm...legacy effects, huh? My son is in accelerated math, scoring the highest in his school on the state proficiency test and my daughter is an honor student. They are ten and eleven. Geez, imagine the success they'd achieve had I stayed in an abusive marriage rather than in my one-parented happy home....you're saying they'd have done better?

 

Perhaps the basis for the findings you're stating have more to do with income levels as opposed to the divorce itself? Possibly. But I stand by the logic that children fare better in a happy home with one parent than in a two-parented unhappy home.

 

If you think divorce is easy you are wrong. It's a hardship. It wasn't easy for me and it still isn't always easy for me. There is no one to share the day-to-day tasks that come with parenting. There is no dad there is only mom.

 

You can try to make people feel bad about the choices they make if you so desire but it doesn't work for me. It's my life and my children's lives and as a responsible person I did what I thought was best for all of us.

 

So you can take your morals and try to choke someone else with them.

[n9688m]

Hmmm...legacy effects, huh? My son is in accelerated math, scoring the highest in his school on the state proficiency test and my daughter is an honor student.

 

I suggest you read Wallerstein's landmark study on legacy effects of divorce. There are lots more benchmarks besides the ones you mentioned.

 

 

imagine the success they'd achieve had I stayed in an abusive marriage rather than in my one-parented happy home....you're saying they'd have done better?

 

Was that a physically abusive marriage - maybe even tied to drug/alcohol issue? If so then there is no question divorce is justified there.

 

Or by abuse do you mean "emotional" abuse which is perhaps a bit software and perhaps amenable to counseling prior to an affair?

 

 

Perhaps the basis for the findings you're stating have more to do with income levels as opposed to the divorce itself?

 

No - the legacy effects of divorce cut through all demographic levels.

 

You can try to make people feel bad about the choices they make if you so desire but it doesn't work for me. It's my life and my children's lives and as a responsible person I did what I thought was best for all of us.

 

Why did you get divorced? Did you and/or he have an affair? To what extent did you try counseling?

[amaysngrace]

I suggest you read Wallerstein's landmark study on legacy effects of divorce. There are lots more benchmarks besides the ones you mentioned.

 

Was that a physically abusive marriage - maybe even tied to drug/alcohol issue? If so then there is no question divorce is justified there.

 

Or by abuse do you mean "emotional" abuse which is perhaps a bit software and perhaps amenable to counseling prior to an affair?

 

No - the legacy effects of divorce cut through all demographic levels.

 

Why did you get divorced? Did you and/or he have an affair? To what extent did you try counseling?

 

Yes it was verbally, mentally and physically abusive. Nine years. Did counseling. Numerous times. Dealt with police calls from neighbors. Dealt with him being arrested, jailed and also put on probation. Dealt with a whole lot of CRAP. He changed almost overnight from Mr. Wonderful to Mr. Explosive Personality once we took our vows.

 

I had a bit of a moral problem with it because I do believe marriage should be for life and we were married Catholic.

 

I left because I didn't want my daughter to hook up with abusers or my son to become one.

 

It's not easy. It wasn't an "easy way out" as you seem to put it. It was a very hard choice I made but I'm glad that I made it.

 

I can't say if he cheated on me or not. Probably or maybe no but really it wasn't a determining factor for my leaving.

 

Passing judgment on others isn't becoming. Even if you have walked in their shoes which I'm guessing in my instance you have not.

[Spicymomma72]

I say divorce affects different people in different ways. Who's to say divorce is going to completely trash someones life? It can do just the opposite. Divorce is an unfortunate thing that two people go through. It is unfortunate for the kids AND for the adults involved, however it can also lift a huge dark cloud over the lives of many. My sister and her husband have been "happily" married for 4 years. Their children have a hard time in school for some reason. Although, they live a fairly happy life. On the other hand, my husband and I have been going through a divorce. Our children somehow use the hurt and pain of divorce as motivation to drive them in everyday life. Doing great in school, athletics, etc... Now I do have another friend that have that "perfect" life. Hubby, 3 kids and kids doing excellent in school. My point....the way divorce affects an individual is really on a case by case basis. Some let it get the best of them and some use it as fuel to drive them forward in life. It is ultimately up to the individual how they let this event affect their lives. Stay Strong.

[JustBreathe]

Thanks for all your insightful responses.

 

I have been married 25 years. I don't know what lies ahead and it's scary. I was always loyal to my husband. I never dreamed he cheated on me behind my back for all those years before it finally came out - all of it - 7 years ago. Or maybe I did and stuck my head in the sand. It has taken me this long to recover (as much as I ever will) and realize that I cannot resolve it in my heart.

 

He wants to save the marriage. Says he is not proud of his actions in the past but there was some good in there also and he always did love me very much. I just don't see how people can say they love someone and deceive them to this degree at the same time. He is damaged.

 

I do not recommend that people try to save their marriages where infidelity is involved. You can be friends, even lovers, but it lives like a cancer. There is the pain and sickness, a remission, then it comes back, the cycle is never-ending and debilitating.