What is divorce like?

[Moose]

to believe it shouldn't exist. It really shouldn't be an option.

 

That would be enough to make people think twice....no, three times, no....MORE about getting married in the first fricken' place!

[n9688m]

Yes it was verbally, mentally and physically abusive. Nine years. Did counseling. Numerous times. Dealt with police calls from neighbors. Dealt with him being arrested, jailed and also put on probation.

 

OK - then clearly there was no alternative. My apologies if I came on too strong. I was referring to situations such as mine and many others here where not only was there no history of abuse, crime, police, drugs, etc. but not even any fighting or counseling requests. In my case and many others I literally went from "I love you forever" to "I want a divorce" overnight - that is just ridiculous.

[n9688m]

to believe it shouldn't exist. It really shouldn't be an option.

 

That would be enough to make people think twice....no, three times, no....MORE about getting married in the first fricken' place!

 

More realistically, I wish divorce laws would be revised to give major economic penalties in equitable distribution against spouses who commit adultery or physical abuse.

[sumdude]

So much depends on which side of the divorce you were on. I was the one left.. and suddenly. Not saying I was blameless in being part of the problems in the marriage.. My ex told me she blindsided me because she didn't want her mind changed. There may or may not have been an affair on her part. At the least there was an emotional affiar.

 

I'll share what's been hardest for me.

 

My racing mind and confusion. Not knowing what the he** was going on. The covering up and deceit that it took for her too pull off the sudden move had my head spinning for a while. I couldn't tell truth from fiction during the early part of the separation. Heck I still don't know the truth...

 

The guilt that it was all my fault somehow.

 

The anger that it was all her fault and the injustice I felt at the time.

 

The shattering of my self confidence due to the absolute rejection from the one person in my life I thought wanted me and I could trust.

 

Most of it I've overcome by now... about 20 months since she left me. Still rebuilding my life, myself and dealing with other major issues in life.

[amaysngrace]

OK - then clearly there was no alternative. My apologies if I came on too strong. I was referring to situations such as mine and many others here where not only was there no history of abuse, crime, police, drugs, etc. but not even any fighting or counseling requests. In my case and many others I literally went from "I love you forever" to "I want a divorce" overnight - that is just ridiculous.

 

Yes you did come on very strong but it's okay. It's an emotionally charged subject.

[n9688m]

So much depends on which side of the divorce you were on. I was the one left.. and suddenly. Not saying I was blameless in being part of the problems in the marriage.. My ex told me she blindsided me because she didn't want her mind changed.

 

That appears to be common (happened to me too) and I say it is BS. She owed you at least the courtesy of working this through with you.

[Al_Bundy]

People say divorce is hell. What was the hardest thing for you?

 

Not being with the kids on a daily basis.

 

As far as hell, yes, it was hell. But after it was all over, I'm glad I did it. Best thing that I could have ever done.

[zazue]

More realistically, I wish divorce laws would be revised to give major economic penalties in equitable distribution against spouses who commit adultery or physical abuse.

 

 

Wow, if only that were the case I would get everything!

[JustBreathe]

HAHA!!! Zazue, too much...

 

I'd get a pretty good chunk also. Alas, that isn't the case.

 

I don't know why though because it makes perfect sense to me. If you marry someone and they betray you, why shouldn't you walk away with more?

 

I'll even go one step further..... the third party they were scrumpin should also be liable for damages. You should be able to sue them for damages as well because they're an accomplice. If you are with someone they decide to run over someone and drive away, and you sit there and laugh while they do it, or help him hide the crime, then you have committed the crime along with them. Why should you just walk away? You're an accomplice, right?

 

I dunno about you but sumdude and I and alot of you people here have been pretty much ran over. In may case, run over, backed up over me again, went around the block, then came back and ran me over one more time.

[Moose]

More realistically, I wish divorce laws would be revised to give major economic penalties in equitable distribution against spouses who commit adultery or physical abuse.

Nope.

 

Won't work.

 

Never has.

 

Never will.

 

We have lawyers to thank for that.

[n9688m]

Nope.

 

Won't work.

 

Never has.

 

Never will.

 

We have lawyers to thank for that.

 

Why do you suppose politicians who espouse "family values" don't push this idea?

[Touche]

to believe it shouldn't exist. It really shouldn't be an option.

 

That would be enough to make people think twice....no, three times, no....MORE about getting married in the first fricken' place!

 

Wow, so ridiculous.

 

First let me say that I'm so on the right. As a Jew I'm always oddly on the right with you right wing Christians. I just am.

 

As for what you say here...well I agree that getting married in the first place should be much, much harder than it should it be. No doubt about it. No doubt about it.

 

But come on, I'm once divorced. I thank our lord above that I was able to get out of my first mistake and divorce. Thank god I had no child with my first husband.

 

Thank you good lord above! That's all I have to say.

 

My divorce was one of the hardest things I ever went through. I though I found the man of my life for the rest of my life.

 

I was wrong.

 

I was suicidal when I realized I made a mistake.

 

It was that hard. Yep.

 

Thank god I was able to go on and find the right man for me.

 

Thank god.

 

Trust me, as hard as divorce is, it doesn't have to mean the end.

[Curmudgeon]

Divorce sucks! But in the end it can be a gift.

 

Too many hard things to enumerate but you can start with loss of connectiveness, plans, expectations, hopes, dreams, goals, companionship, access to children...

[zazue]

HAHA!!! Zazue, too much...

 

I'd get a pretty good chunk also. Alas, that isn't the case.

 

I don't know why though because it makes perfect sense to me. If you marry someone and they betray you, why shouldn't you walk away with more?

 

I'll even go one step further..... the third party they were scrumpin should also be liable for damages. You should be able to sue them for damages as well because they're an accomplice. If you are with someone they decide to run over someone and drive away, and you sit there and laugh while they do it, or help him hide the crime, then you have committed the crime along with them. Why should you just walk away? You're an accomplice, right?

 

I dunno about you but sumdude and I and alot of you people here have been pretty much ran over. In may case, run over, backed up over me again, went around the block, then came back and ran me over one more time.

 

I totally agree, but alas we must just move on and heal.

 

All the black eyes, bruises, and cuts heal, but the betrayal of an affair, and the emotional abuse live in our hearts much longer.

 

That's why it's better to rise above. Be the best person you can be, (especially to yourself), and live the best life you can.

 

That's worth more than all the material possessions in the world:)

 

Living well is the best revenge.

[Gunny376]

People say divorce is hell. What was the hardest thing for you?

 

The lying > the deceit > the emotional disconnect > the shock & awe > the arguing > the accuastions > the false accuastions > the re-writing of the martial history / roles > the year long seperation > the total betrayal > the divorce > the disportotionate division of property / assetts. > the proverbial "double standard" > the financial hardship that lasted for years and years > the phone calls from creditors about debts that were made based upon two incomes, but now have to be paid now upon one greatly reduced income > the selfishness > the bankruptcy > the starting over again from "scratch > the letting go > driving used junk cars for years and years, while the XHEX traded for new cars,(A Pontiac Grand Am, a Ford Explorer, a Jeep Cherrokee, A Ford Mustand Convertable GT, another Ford Explorer every two years while she receiced so-called "child support" (25% of my net pay) and on and on.

 

Get maried again?

 

Hah!

 

The good news is that she waviered off in the divorce papers in exhange for all of the material/material assets from the marriage on about $250,000 of my military retirement + cheap @ss medical (less than $500 a year) and dental insurance. Not to mention Commissary benifits, (Name brand groceries 30-40% cheaper than out in town.

 

I live off my miltary retirement, my civilan check ~ income? I bank/ invest to the tune of about $2K a month.

 

Nothing but "gravy" ~ pure gravy!

 

Its all good!

 

I had to live off of "Chicken and Rice", "Red beans and Rice" and cornbread for awhile, along with "Oddles of Noodles" and ramen, with a side of bread and Spam for while ~ but its all "good" now!

 

I was "blessed" in that I come from a long line of dirt poor people, and was raised to live on little or nothing. Being carrer Marine Corps only re-inforced those lessons of my youth.

 

I was fortunate to have been raised by Grandparents that had raised seven children through the Great Depression, WWII, the Korean War, etc.

They taught me much in my youth, and I learned from them about how to get through tough times. How to make do, do without, and get by.

[sumdude]

Nope.

 

Won't work.

 

Never has.

 

Never will.

 

We have lawyers to thank for that.

 

Problem is burden of proof. EVEN IF you have pictures and witnesses (right...) most every time it comes down to hearsay... and anyone can say anything they want. I mean are you going to get porn graphic pitures to prove exactly what was happening?

 

 

You accuse them of cheating... they in turn accuse you of cheating, abuse etc etc.. round and round. Eventually I think it was the judges who gave up on really trying to base anything on infidelity.. considering how common it is in marriages that fail or stay together. It used up far too much valuable court time.

[n9688m]

You accuse them of cheating... they in turn accuse you of cheating, abuse etc etc.. round and round. Eventually I think it was the judges who gave up on really trying to base anything on infidelity.. considering how common it is in marriages that fail or stay together. It used up far too much valuable court time.

 

I think the prevalence of emails and text messsages has now changed all of that. It seems to me that almost all of the affairs discussed here on LS were discovered electronically through these means. Usually the evidence is beyond dispute - look at the discussions in these forums where spouses virtually alway admit the affair when confronted with this evidence.

[amaysngrace]

I had a lot of proof-positive for abuse. Pictures of bruises, ER reports, police reports, TROs, etc. While it never went before a judge, we settled, I'm sure this evidence helped me to get the better end of the deal.

 

That, and a good attorney.