Is he about to propose? I'm a bit nervous!

[ricearoni4hamburger]

They say, be careful what you ask for - you just might get it! My bf and I have been in a mostly long-distance (different countries) relationship for about a year and a half (we have lived together for about four months - three months the first time, and one month about a month ago.

 

We met in a very "planetary alignment" way - me missing a flight and him just arriving in the US, and we had an instant connection. We fell in love almost immediately, began living together about two weeks later, and then realized that things were moving too fast after a whirlwind romance and living together for three months.

 

I should mention that we're somewhat older - he is in his late 30's and I'm in my early 40's. I have been married previously with two older teens, and he's never been married -he proposed to a girl many years ago, who jilted him.

 

Somehow I had got it in my mind when he was here that first time, living with me, that he was going to propose - he made some of the "signals": asking me to pull up the "fiance visa" form on my computer for him to look at, frequently touching my ring finger, buying me a "ring holder" for my birthday, planning a romantic trip to watch the sunset over the Golden Gate bridge after hopping off a cable car - I thought all leading to a potential proposal, even though it seemed premature.

 

When it was time to go to the airport and he hadn't proposed, I asked him why he had been sending mixed messages, and he said he hadn't and frankly never wanted to get married, his parents had a bad one, he was scared of the idea, and that marriage was a trap. I, too, had some misgivings, as I have a great career and a lot of financial success that I would have to think about when getting married, but overall I had started to get used to the idea. After all, we were in love. I think he just seriously got cold feet.

 

I ended up frustrated, he went back to Europe, and over the next few months we talked almost every day, sometimes good, sometimes not, but we fought a few times over the phone and email, and we almost broke up once or twice.

 

At one point I told him if this relationship was going to continue that we needed physical proximity again, and that one of us would have to come see the other, so he decided he wanted to come spend some time with me again. We had planned it for this past August, but I didn't have high hopes, as we'd been getting along very lukewarm.

 

A few weeks before his visit, we had a few very deep conversations, and I think he started to think he might lose me, as I was growing tired of his lack of communication, taking me for granted, etc., and had just about had it and told him so. I noticed a change.

 

When he came for the visit, it was the best time ever! The best four weeks of my life with anyone. We even discussed marriage, even though he still expressed a lot of doubts, but he didn't seem as closed to the idea as before.

 

In fact, right before he left, unbelievably, we were at a store and he asked me to try on some rings! I couldn't believe it. But then he visibly started to sweat and seemed to get ill as I tried a few on. I went out to get some water for him, and he was coming out by that time. When he got to the car, he told me he had actually tried to buy one of the rings, but his credit card didn't go through because he had never made a purchase so high in his life and it triggered a fraud alert! But, he did tell me that it was a "promise ring" and not an "engagement ring". And anyway, he didn't get it, and went back to Europe the next day.

 

His reaction made me very nervous, though. Part of me really wants this, but part of me is a little scared, too. I actually made a list of pros and cons, and the pros won, which makes me feel more confident about it.

 

So, the marriage topic has been on the table for some time, and we had discussed this very early on as a possible way for him to immigrate (but only as a marriage out of love, not convenience). That was last year. So, yesterday, he asked me, out of the blue, "So do you still want to marry me?" Then, he went on to recount a story from childhood to me of a time when he felt vulnerable. He couldn't remember why he told me this. Then he told me he loved me, and had to go, but he looks forward to talking to me next time.

 

I don't know what to make of this. By the way, he is coming back for another visit in November, where he wants to try to make plans to prepare for possibly getting a visa (maybe work, or marriage???) where he could potentially immigrate.

 

Anyone (especially guys) have any thoughts as to what could be going on in his head? Men are so confusing. (Sorry for the long post)

[Geishawhelk]

Plain and simple?

He's commitment-phobic but seems to want to try to make a go of it with you.

Something is terrifying him though.

before either of you decide what to do - one way or the other - you need Joint counselling, and it sounds as if he needs one-on-one counselling for himself.

 

Plain and simple.

[Jo78]

What country is he from? Some countries just don't make such a fuss about engagements as I've seen it here in the US.

 

I'm from Europe myself, and many times a proposal in my counrty goes somewhat like this:

"Do you want to marry me?"

"Oh honey, YES! I love you!"

"Love you too, how about 11 August?"

"Cool"

 

No big ring, no engagement party. Actually, when my boyfriend once mentioned "If this and that, then we will get married", in front of my best friend who was visiting, she got all excited. To her that sounded like a proposal. Having been in the States for a while, I knew better, though, and calmed her down.

 

Although, since he was talking about engagement rings and promise rings, he's probably English or Irish, right?

 

"Plans to prepare for possibly getting a visa" - have you asked him what kind of visa that would be? There aren't too many ways to get an immigrant visa for the US, but there are numerous of non-immigrant visas that are much easier to get. Maybe he is thinking in those terms?

[ricearoni4hamburger]

What country is he from? Some countries just don't make such a fuss about engagements as I've seen it here in the US.

 

Hi Jo,

 

He's from Germany. I know they are really big on cohabitation there, and not too big on marriage. He has said so himself. I think he is a evolving reforming commitment phobe, but this is a hard process. I am in counseling, and he has been to a counselor as well. We haven't seen one together yet. However, he has really made tremendous progress and opened up a lot.

 

"Plans to prepare for possibly getting a visa" - have you asked him what kind of visa that would be? There aren't too many ways to get an immigrant visa for the US, but there are numerous of non-immigrant visas that are much easier to get. Maybe he is thinking in those terms?

 

He doesn't know too much about the visas, and I have been educating him. I gave him tons of documents and links, and he has been trying to pursue the H1B or J1 visas (work visas) or maybe a student visa for flight school (M visa). However, these take a long time to get, and he already has his ticket for November, so I think he is just going to have to get a tourist or business visa for this next visit. Of course, he is from Germany so could come on a visa waiver (no visa needed), but he can only stay 90 days with that. That's how he has come before. I am hoping he can stay a little longer this next time.

[ricearoni4hamburger]

Plain and simple?

He's commitment-phobic but seems to want to try to make a go of it with you.

Something is terrifying him though.

before either of you decide what to do - one way or the other - you need Joint counselling, and it sounds as if he needs one-on-one counselling for himself.

 

Plain and simple.

 

You are right, Geishawhelk, he is definitely commitment phobic, but I definitely believe he is reforming. Originally, he said he would never get married, but now he is talking about it, although he still said (just yesterday) that he is "terrified" about the concept. He continuously says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, however. I think it's the institution that's so scary to him, and frankly I can't really blame him. It's also ironic that he told me that he told a girlfriend he broke up with after we had met that he "had found the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with" (me). Maybe he meant just living with me.

 

He has some other issues I know that counseling would be good for, but he hasn't been a big fan. He has gone to a local counselor a couple of times, but he prefers to try to work everything out on his own. Thankfully, he is now pretty comfortable opening up to me, but I know I cannot be his counselor. He also doesn't make friends easily, but he has made a couple here in the Bay Area that maybe he could talk to. In his culture, mental health counseling is usually only for the severely mentally ill, he says, and that's why he doesn't feel he needs it.

[Jo78]

He's German. Well, that explains a lot. You can apply everything I wrote above, because I was referring to Germany.

 

See in our culture cohabitation is not only ok to do, it's the norm. We don't use the phrase with the cow and the free milk all that much. We have the cat in the bag that you better not buy, meaning why would you agree to a life long commitment when you don't know anything about the other persons annoying everyday habits and if you can deal with them.

 

So he's in his late 30's and never been married. Well, he apparently is on the commitment phobic side. And now the one way for you guys to live together seems to be marriage, while otherwise there is an ocean between you. That's a big transition. And that's scary.

 

So maybe, him finding a way to get work visa, other other kind of temporary visa, would be a good start to get him used to the idea. So support him in that area. You can always talk about marriage later.

 

Also, the whole US culture of engagements and the related expectations might intimidate him. Me and my fellow German girlfriends are equally amazed by the fact that every American girl can recite whole fact sheets on diamond shapes, colors and ring settings. I couldn't tell the difference between a diamond and a rhinestone, lol!

And I've heard girls say "If he doesn't get me a princess cut, XX carat diamond, I'm not gonna marry him!" or respectively "If he spends less than $X,XXX he doesn't love me!". Now that's scary!

 

So maybe he is afraid of the costs of this, given that relocating to a different continent is expensive too. And keep in mind that he does not have credit history. He will have to pay security deposits on everything, some of which are rediculously high. Or he will have to pay cash.

 

Since you looked into the fiancee visa, you must have seen that you will have to lay down your tax return to prove that you can 'sponsor' him. Which means, if you get married and he loses his job, you will have to feed him. Even after a divorce. For ten years or until he gets citizenship. That is something to consider, too.

 

Good luck to the two of you!

 

Just an anecdote: My best friend got married in September to her boyfriend who had repeatedly told her he's not crazy about marriage. They are both German.

He even asked her father first, went down on one knee and gave her a small, inexpensive ring. But that was only after she told him: Jo will be here the week of September 2 - 8. I want her to be my maid of honor, so I will try to get a date at city hall that week.

[ricearoni4hamburger]

Wow, Jo! That's great that you're German; I think you can add a lot of perspective for me!

 

He is very typically German in most ways, but is definitely becoming "Americanized" in others. However, having been married before and a little older than most girls hoping for that proposal, I'm not wanting anything big, elaborate or fancy, either in terms of a proposal, a ring, or a wedding. I would actually prefer something very private, sweet and personal. The rings we were looking at were at a discount store, which was perfectly fine with me. They were about XXX.XX (lower end) instead of XXXX.XX! I didn't have a clue about quality or clarity, and didn't care. It was really the thought that was important to me. Him putting those rings on my finger, smiling at me, even just to take a quick look, almost made me drop to my knees.

 

I have never had such feelings for anyone before. I really feel like a teenager, even just thinking about him. I have even caught myself writing our names together!

 

Today, when I talked to him briefly, it was late there and he was about to go out for a bike ride around Hamburg, and I had to go to a work meeting anyway. He was so cute as he said, "But I still want to talk to you, baby. Will you please call me tomorrow, and don't forget, okay?" Then he made me promise. It was so sweet. He told me he loved me twice, and that was it, but it was just wonderful to spend even a few moments on the phone with him.

 

Really, engagement or not, just knowing that he loves me is what keeps me going. I know he's worth waiting for, and I do think that day will come. It will probably be more like something you described: "Hey, Honey, what would you think of filling out that fiance visa application form, for real?" or something like that. I can imagine it being that way.

[Jo78]

He sounds very sweet. And it's definitely a good thing that you are not 'ring crazy'.

 

I hope everything works out with his visa. The best way for you to support him right now is to help him with a resume. Those look very different in Germany and he might not be aware of this.

 

If you have any questions, just let me know. Been there, done that.

I started out with J1 (which btw is not a work visa, even though you technically can work with it), then my company got me an H-1B.

 

But maybe you will do the K1, I keep my fingers crossed!

[ricearoni4hamburger]

He sounds very sweet. And it's definitely a good thing that you are not 'ring crazy'.

 

I hope everything works out with his visa. The best way for you to support him right now is to help him with a resume. Those look very different in Germany and he might not be aware of this.

 

If you have any questions, just let me know. Been there, done that.

I started out with J1 (which btw is not a work visa, even though you technically can work with it), then my company got me an H-1B.

 

But maybe you will do the K1, I keep my fingers crossed!

 

Thanks for your help, Jo.

 

So, regarding the J1, can you tell me a little bit about it? I did help him with his resume, and have passed it along to a few of my business colleagues (recruiters, etc.), but the H1B process is going a little slowly. Also, he doesn't have a college degree/didn't go to university, although he is extremely talented in terms of being a software engineer. He is really far and above most anyone I have ever worked with, and I have been in IT myself for the last 10 years at an executive level. Will not having the degree be a disadvantage to these visas?

 

Can you also shed some light on how the sponsorship works? I certainly have a lot of questions. But I'll start slowly.

 

Thanks, again. BTW, I'm talking to him again soon today! Can't wait to hear his voice.