"Friend" is using me...I think. How do I let go?

[BlueHarvest]

Ok here are the previous threads relating to this woman.

 

Part 1: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164731/ (Flirtation and crying on my shoulder about her marriage)

 

Part 2: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166392/ (Inviting me over, more flirtation)

 

(Synopsis of previous parts for those who don't have the time to read both threads...but if you do please do read...it'll probably make alot more sense)

 

Co-Worker has a tiff with her husband...ends up coming to me for advice. I get closer to her over the last two months as she complains about husband and what to do. I feel she is being quite flirtatious with me. Meanwhile, husband starts doing psycho-stalker-esque things like double checking her email, following her from work, etc etc.

 

I get invited over to hang out, she flirts with me in front of her husband somewhat. But texts me the next day saying she enjoys having me over.

 

End Synopsis

 

I went into work today (was my off day) because I was going to make an order to send out then have lunch with this woman. Well she texted me early this morning before I left for work to let me know that her husband wants to come along for lunch..again. I had lunch with the two before at her request because she wanted me to come along (I think as a buffer).

 

I asked her if she wanted me to come along. At first she said yes. But then she said no when I finally arrived at work saying "I think I can handle it."

 

When I went into our office I noticed she had alot of deleted emails and when I went to go make the order she said "here, let me log off" (even though I can make an order using her account as well).

 

Let me clarify...she is MARRIED. I realize this. I wanted to be her genuine friend and help her through this situation no matter the turnout. If she went back to her husband oh well (albeit a jackass that I think she shouldn't be with) but if she did divorce him I wouldn't mind pursuing a relationship with her.

 

Well...I did my work...talked to her a little about her situation and then said good-bye.

 

I went to clock out and decided I'd check on something...this is where maybe I am being a little in the wrong...

 

I went to a private computer and logged into her work email (we both share passwords for her email) she knows mine and I know hers.

 

She and another co-worker of ours i think are having an affair. While I was slightly jealous I was just rather shocked. She had been cheated on by her husband 6 years ago and here she is having what I would probably call an emotional affait WITH A MARRIED MAN WHO HAS TWO CHILDREN. She has two children of her own.

 

I saw all these stupid emails she had deleted from her sent folder. She deletes and covers up any emails from this co-worker so I know something is going on. I confronted her about it the other day because she showed me this one e-mail he had sent her that she didn't understand. I looked at it and saw what it meant. It was a stupid poem that made no sense really...but when you looked at the first letter of every line it spelled out ILOVEYOU (vertically).

 

I saw more of the emails when i looked at her deleted emails. HER and this guy are saying things like "Olive ewe" (say it smoothly---I love you). And the most ironic thing is they were talking about pages from this book called "After the Affair" which is about coping with affairs and getting past them and helping your marriage.

 

The emails continued on and on about how they were both "out of each others league" and she even went on to talk to this other co-worker about "I'd rather not think about this...i'd rather just think about you"

 

What I don't understand is why she would send some of these mixed signals to me...but obviously her feelings for this other guy far surpass any feelings she might have had for me. She even went so far as to get another cell phone so her husband can't check her records. I knew that was one sign but I asked her about it and she said "so she can call her friends without him questioning her"....YEA RIGHT.

 

I just don't understand her...she has been cheated on....the other guy is obviously having issues with his marriage as well...What I don't understand is why she would go to him. I mean does she really think that having an emotional affair with another married guy is going to help? It's one thing to flirt with a single guy..it's quite another to flirt with another married guy who is having issues of his own. They both even were talking about the same book....that talks about repairing marriages.

 

The whole thing is stupid..and frankly since my feelings for her are unrequited I'm done. I thought she was flirting with me and instead I guess I'm just the emotional stepping stool. She is really interested in this other married man.

 

How do I distance myself from her? How can I subtly let her know that what she is doing is seriously not helping. What can I do to rectify my own feelings and this situation without making work awkward? I have to work with her every day.

 

I'm just tired of others using me as emotional springboards and then I'm left with the depressing feelings. I thought that this woman had everything I wanted in her....she had qualities that I was looking for in a woman. If she had chosen to stay with her husband that would have bee fine, and if not leaving him would have been fine too. But now I feel stuck somewhere in the middle of some kind of 4-way love box.

 

I need to distance my emotions from this woman. I need to figure out how to get past this situation while still keeping my job.

Frankly, I wanna go beat the living **** out of this other co-worker whom I used to love working with and hang out with at our office parties. I used to chat with him every day. Now I feel disgusted with him knowing what he is doing not only to his wife...but to the female co-worker's relationship.

 

I'm just tired of thinking I've found the right woman then getting stepped on by other issues with her. I try to be friends with them first and this is what I get....I become a ****ing door-mat.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It sounds to me like she's trying to get her husband to believe that the hanky-panky is with YOU, not the other guy. Run! She's a toxic beast!

[BlueHarvest]

Sigh....I can't...I work with her everyday...and she's really nice...shes one of those types that you can't be mean to. Not that I would want to be mean.

[confused999]

Hmm sounds like her husband has reasons to be checking up on her afterall, yet she's telling you he's acting stalker-ish. Sounds like she's playing games with 3 guys (at least) and that spells drama-queen. How many guys does this one woman need to make her feel attractive and desirable? Yikes!

[BlueHarvest]

Well ...while you are right. Now that I've seen these emails....I do belive the husband had good reason to act the way he did. Granted he is taking it overboard...rather then confronting her...or asking her...He just goes and looks through her records and follows her home.

 

TO me that is not the way to resolve a marriage. It sounds like the both of them are doing all the wrong things. Then when you insert the Other married man into the equation it makes things 10 times more complicated.

 

When I confronted her the other day to tell her I cared about her and was there to help her I don't think she understood exactly what I meant (I think she thinks I care about her as a friend...and I do..but I care more then a friend as well). I straight up said "I know something is going on between you and <other married man>. I'm not stupid. I don't know what it is..but I just am a little worried." She responded to that question with..."Oh I'm just talking to him"

 

And while she is just talking to him...she's having an emotional affair with him at work. I'm sorry but you DO NOT go around telling people who are not your family, kids, parents, or your spouse that you love them...YOU JUST DON'T.

 

Saying I love you is a big step..and for them to be saying it to each other just boggles my mind.

 

While I appreciate everyone's advice so far (not much). I still have no idea how I am to reign in my own feelings for her and still be civil at work and work with her.

 

And on a side note...this whole situation today has just depressed the hell out of me. I thought she might be that perfect someone....she had ALOT of qualities I was looking for in a woman....now I'm just kinda sick to my stomach.

[Owl]

OK...I read this thread, not the attached two, so if I missed something, I apologize.

 

Now...my advice...remember...you ASKED for it!!!!!

 

Yes, she's cheating on her husband, clearly.

 

I don't think she was using you as a smokescreen, however.

 

I think she fully intends to pursue an affair with you as well. Whether its emotional or just plain physical, the indications you've given all sound like she's been testing the waters.

 

Her H clearly suspects SOMETHING...which is why he's checking her emails, going to lunch with her, etc...

 

As far as why he's not confronted...that's simple. Per the other thread you and I were on...cheaters LIE. You can tell when they lie by the fact that they're drawing breath in to speak.

 

If he confronts without PROOF...she'll deny, gaslight, and otherwise do damage control to make him look like an idiot...all the while taking her cheating deeper underground.

 

The only way to confront a cheater and get the truth is with PROOF. And even then, they'll lie, minimize, spin the story...etc...

 

Its just a function of the game.

 

If I were you...honestly...I'd log into her email account...and forward all those emails on to her husband (his email address is probably in her emails somewhere).

 

She can't come and blame you...because then she'd have to admit to the affair to you. If she asks...lie.

 

It'll get her affair out in the open, where it HAS to be dealt with.

 

At the same time...stop spending time with her. In the beginning...make up excuses for why you can't. Just stop dealing with her for ANYTHING not business related...AT ALL.

 

Now...I realize that you don't want to send those emails...and that's fine...that's your call. Its what I would do, but not everyone is nearly the jerk I am. So don't if you don't want to...but DO distance yourself from this trainwreck waiting to happen.

 

Remember this...you can't fix her. You can't fix her husband. All you can do is to keep from being drug into the situation further, and extricate yourself from it NOW, before it drags you down.

 

Make sense?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I still have no idea how I am to reign in my own feelings for her and still be civil at work and work with her.

 

And on a side note...this whole situation today has just depressed the hell out of me. I thought she might be that perfect someone....she had ALOT of qualities I was looking for in a woman....now I'm just kinda sick to my stomach.

 

Okay, I'll try to be more helpful. Let's try logic for a moment.

 

You're pining for a woman who is deceitful with her husband, interferes with someone else's marriage, and strings along little love puppies in order to make her husband jealous OR deflect suspicion onto an innocent person.

 

Are those the qualities that embody the 'perfect woman' for you?

 

Try this: make a list of the qualities you want your partner to have. Honesty is probably up there on the list, right? Loyalty? Respectfulness? SHE DOES NOT POSSESS THOSE QUALITIES.

 

Would you accept a partner who does not posses those qualities? Would you enjoy being deceived and disrespected in your relationship?

 

Over her yet?

 

Once you're over your inflated opinion of her, you'll be able to work with her civilly because she will just be another person, not some dream woman.

[You'reasian]

This woman is having an emotional affair at work - and I agree, you don't just tell someone you love them unless you really mean it. Add to it that she is still married....wait a second....why are you persuing her?

 

I could understand if she said that she wasn't seeing anyone, but you've found out otherwise.

 

Move on, my friend. Find yourself a less confusing, loyal, available and loveable woman.

 

 

Best of luck.

[BlueHarvest]

OK...I read this thread, not the attached two, so if I missed something, I apologize.

 

Now...my advice...remember...you ASKED for it!!!!!

 

Yes, she's cheating on her husband, clearly.

 

I don't think she was using you as a smokescreen, however.

 

I think she fully intends to pursue an affair with you as well. Whether its emotional or just plain physical, the indications you've given all sound like she's been testing the waters.

 

Her H clearly suspects SOMETHING...which is why he's checking her emails, going to lunch with her, etc...

 

As far as why he's not confronted...that's simple. Per the other thread you and I were on...cheaters LIE. You can tell when they lie by the fact that they're drawing breath in to speak.

 

If he confronts without PROOF...she'll deny, gaslight, and otherwise do damage control to make him look like an idiot...all the while taking her cheating deeper underground.

 

The only way to confront a cheater and get the truth is with PROOF. And even then, they'll lie, minimize, spin the story...etc...

 

Its just a function of the game.

 

If I were you...honestly...I'd log into her email account...and forward all those emails on to her husband (his email address is probably in her emails somewhere).

 

She can't come and blame you...because then she'd have to admit to the affair to you. If she asks...lie.

 

It'll get her affair out in the open, where it HAS to be dealt with.

 

At the same time...stop spending time with her. In the beginning...make up excuses for why you can't. Just stop dealing with her for ANYTHING not business related...AT ALL.

 

Now...I realize that you don't want to send those emails...and that's fine...that's your call. Its what I would do, but not everyone is nearly the jerk I am. So don't if you don't want to...but DO distance yourself from this trainwreck waiting to happen.

 

Remember this...you can't fix her. You can't fix her husband. All you can do is to keep from being drug into the situation further, and extricate yourself from it NOW, before it drags you down.

 

Make sense?

 

Yea it makes sense. I was trying to distance myself before but I let my own foolish heart get in the way. I don't know if I can send the emails though. I WAS considering calling the husband and letting him know...but then I realized that will just make work with her a living hell. So here I'm stick with knowing that she is having an emotional affair but not able to do anything to stop this spiral down the ****ter.

 

Okay, I'll try to be more helpful. Let's try logic for a moment.

 

You're pining for a woman who is deceitful with her husband, interferes with someone else's marriage, and strings along little love puppies in order to make her husband jealous OR deflect suspicion onto an innocent person.

 

Are those the qualities that embody the 'perfect woman' for you?

 

Try this: make a list of the qualities you want your partner to have. Honesty is probably up there on the list, right? Loyalty? Respectfulness? SHE DOES NOT POSSESS THOSE QUALITIES.

 

Would you accept a partner who does not posses those qualities? Would you enjoy being deceived and disrespected in your relationship?

 

Over her yet?

 

Once you're over your inflated opinion of her, you'll be able to work with her civilly because she will just be another person, not some dream woman.

 

You are quite right. I've been using my anger at the situation and the feeling of being used to keep myself from feeling "close" to her. At the same time I also realized that if I ended up "being" with this woman later on...the same **** might come around again. How could I ever trust her with this knowledge of her behavior? The qualities I guess I liked about her were here sense of humour, her easy-going nature, and her niceness. We also enjoyed alot of the same after-work activities and liked the same shows...but I guess I should look for more then that.

 

This woman is having an emotional affair at work - and I agree, you don't just tell someone you love them unless you really mean it. Add to it that she is still married....wait a second....why are you persuing her?

 

I could understand if she said that she wasn't seeing anyone, but you've found out otherwise.

 

Move on, my friend. Find yourself a less confusing, loyal, available and loveable woman.

 

 

Best of luck.

 

I guess I was pursuing her in a platonic way at first. Hoping she would make the right choice to make HER happy. If she reconciled with her husband...oh well, I don't think hes the right choice for her but thats her choice to make. And if she did, I could look at her knowing she was happy in her relationship with him.

 

At the same time If she divorced him I would pursue something more then a friendship with her. But I would NOT cross those boundaries while she was still with her husband. That's why I was pursuing her I guess. Was hoping that if she did end up seperating from him that I might be there for her after all was said and done.

 

Guess I'm a fool for feeling that way about her....

[You'reasian]

Personally every time I date, I'm upfront about asking the woman if she's married or in any kind of attached relationship and have done this for a long time now - if she says she isn't, all I have is her word on it. If a woman says she's divorced and isn't wearing a ring, I'll take it as such - but look out for the warning signs - why is the ex-husband still hanging around so much? Why are they still talking secretively? And why does she break down crying when talking about him? etc.

 

Good signs that you need to re-consider a relationship with someone who said they were divorced - maybe they are not over this person or are still married.

 

Good luck.

[You'reasian]

Ok here are the previous threads relating to this woman.

 

Part 1: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t164731/ (Flirtation and crying on my shoulder about her marriage)

 

Part 2: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166392/ (Inviting me over, more flirtation)

 

(Synopsis of previous parts for those who don't have the time to read both threads...but if you do please do read...it'll probably make alot more sense)

 

But now I feel stuck somewhere in the middle of some kind of 4-way love box.

 

I need to distance my emotions from this woman. I need to figure out how to get past this situation while still keeping my job.

Frankly, I wanna go beat the living **** out of this other co-worker whom I used to love working with and hang out with at our office parties. I used to chat with him every day. Now I feel disgusted with him knowing what he is doing not only to his wife...but to the female co-worker's relationship.

 

I'm just tired of thinking I've found the right woman then getting stepped on by other issues with her. I try to be friends with them first and this is what I get....I become a ****ing door-mat.

 

Keep it professional, my friend.

 

Do not engage your female coworker in an emotional manner and do not let her engage you with emotional issues - save it for a woman whom you do not work with (that's good practice) and who is not tied up in some weird love-arrangement.

 

In my very humble opinion, a man and woman should love each other and be each other's best friends - but then again, that's coming from a more conservative, boring monogamist's point of view.

 

If your female coworker brings more drama your direction, refer her to some good spiritual counselling at a place of warship. If its beyond that, then discuss finding psychological counselling.

 

Good luck and stay strong.

[Owl]

Yea it makes sense. I was trying to distance myself before but I let my own foolish heart get in the way. I don't know if I can send the emails though. I WAS considering calling the husband and letting him know...but then I realized that will just make work with her a living hell. So here I'm stick with knowing that she is having an emotional affair but not able to do anything to stop this spiral down the ****ter.

 

Then do it the way I suggested...so that she can't know for sure it came from you. Or do an anonymous call to her H. Print out the emails, and have them sent to him anonymously...but send it registered mail, requiring HIS signature only. That way there's no way his wife can get it. And again...she has no way to know it came from you.

 

You are quite right. I've been using my anger at the situation and the feeling of being used to keep myself from feeling "close" to her. At the same time I also realized that if I ended up "being" with this woman later on...the same **** might come around again. How could I ever trust her with this knowledge of her behavior? The qualities I guess I liked about her were here sense of humour, her easy-going nature, and her niceness. We also enjoyed alot of the same after-work activities and liked the same shows...but I guess I should look for more then that.

 

 

 

I guess I was pursuing her in a platonic way at first. Hoping she would make the right choice to make HER happy. If she reconciled with her husband...oh well, I don't think hes the right choice for her but thats her choice to make. And if she did, I could look at her knowing she was happy in her relationship with him.

 

At the same time If she divorced him I would pursue something more then a friendship with her. But I would NOT cross those boundaries while she was still with her husband. That's why I was pursuing her I guess. Was hoping that if she did end up seperating from him that I might be there for her after all was said and done.

 

Guess I'm a fool for feeling that way about her....

 

You ARE a fool for feeling that way about her.

 

You've seen what she's doing, first hand. What she's doing to him, she can and probably will do to you. Especially given what you've learned recently...that she's currently cheating with someone else, but still pushing those boundaries with you...AND still married.

 

You need to get this situation resolved, or you're going to get sucked into the middle of it.

 

Simple enough.

[Owl]

You still out there, Blue?

[BlueHarvest]

Oh yea, I'm still here. Just been browsing the other sub-forums, offering what advice I do know how to give.

 

I guess I'll update my situation. Was going to update here in this post but decided a new thread would be better.