konfuzd Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 My bf has been bringing up marriage a lot lately. The other day, we were just lounging around, and to break a lengthy silence, he just popped out with "you know, I'm going to marry you one day" I challenged him with, "you think so, do you?" to which he replied, "I can't afford a ring right now." I told him I like the idea of being his wife one day. Then, we were in my car a couple days later and he started talking about it again, saying that 2 years from now we'll be husband and wife (we've kind of talked about how the timing would work for both of us to get married in spring of 2010). He then went on to say how we'll have to wait to see what happens because we've both been burned in the past and he wants to be more careful this time. I totally respect him for that. I started thinking about the timing and everything. Spring of 2010 is only about 18 months away. I know it's a bit backwards to have the wedding date planned before the engagement, but at what point should he give the ring if he's serious about a wedding 18 months from now? He knows I don't want a fancy, expensive ring. He told me I'm going ot have to let him know when he should give it to me, because he's clueless about such things. Well, so am I apparently. Your thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Did he mention when he will have more money when you guys were planning your future? That's probably when you'll get the ring or maybe sooner if he wants to surprise you... Congratulations! That's exciting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 Thank you! It is very exciting. The reason he doesn't have money now is that we've been in an LDR, and he's in the process of moving closer to me and he doesn't have a job set up in this city yet. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 I don't think a ring really matters all that much. Yes it's sweet and it's to be expected but it doesn't mean your love isn't solid because you don't have one yet. Some girls care more about the ring than they do the love. I'm glad you're not one of those girls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 It's not so much the ring itself, but the symbolism of it. I want to be able to make it official. I've only told my closest friends and family that we've discussed it, but I am in that Tom Cruise -I want to jump on Oprah's couch and announce our love to the world- phase... okay, maybe not that crazy but I think you know what I'm saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Krisa Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 Just wanted to let you know my husband and I are in a LDR and when we were "engaged" it wasn't with an engagement ring... I never got one, if i would have, i couldnt wear it to work anyways ( i work in heathcare),all I cared about is being together forever. It bothered my husband that i didnt have a engagement ring, but i don't mind. Instead, Our wedding rings are extra special...he had them custom made, one of a kind, and I love it!! BTW i'm not saying you don't need an engagement ring...i think they can be lovely and very special... Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 9, 2008 Author Share Posted October 9, 2008 That's great that it all worked out for you, but I don't have the same views. Both our families are pretty traditional in their views. I know my parents wouldn't accept the engagement without the ring. My bf told me when we were talking about it that he plans on calling my father to get his permission before he pops the question. I think it's all very sweet and romantic to follow such traditions. I guess my major concern is wedding planning: you can't start making any plans until it's made official. How long does it take to plan a small-medium sized wedding? How long were you "engaged" before the wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
Krisa Posted October 9, 2008 Share Posted October 9, 2008 we were engaged for 5 months. not much time to plan a wedding... but we did it, and it was everything I dreamed of. He was very helpful in the planning ( he did most everything since i was in the USA). If you are going to have a traditional wedding, you are going to need a lot more time... I had to get my dress rush cut, and I got it 3 weeks before leaving for Scotland (very stressful and not recommended, lol, i was so worried i wouldnt have a dress). As for planning the wedding, it doesnt hurt to start looking and to see what you like. That doesn't mean you have to buy anything... but having an idea will help. I would say you want a good year or more to actually get things reserved, esp if you want a certain date. plus it makes it easier to pay for (if that's an issue, we paid for our own wedding) **I can share pictures, if you would like ( i still have to show off, ive only been married a little over a month) Even though we are not traditional, all my friends say I had a fairytale wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Jo78 Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 It also depends on if you want a church wedding or just city hall. I checked with our parish (yeah, i know, a little premature ) and they require you to wait at least one year after you contacted them about a wedding, so you have enough time to prepare for Christian marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 It also depends on if you want a church wedding or just city hall. I checked with our parish (yeah, i know, a little premature ) and they require you to wait at least one year after you contacted them about a wedding, so you have enough time to prepare for Christian marriage. Wow, that really stinks! Can you get married in the Catholic church if you already live together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 10, 2008 Author Share Posted October 10, 2008 **I can share pictures, if you would like ( i still have to show off, ive only been married a little over a month) Even though we are not traditional, all my friends say I had a fairytale wedding. I would love to see pictures! I'm glad everything worked out for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 10, 2008 Author Share Posted October 10, 2008 It also depends on if you want a church wedding or just city hall. I checked with our parish (yeah, i know, a little premature ) and they require you to wait at least one year after you contacted them about a wedding, so you have enough time to prepare for Christian marriage. Yikes! We won't be having a church service. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 I had a full Roman Catholic nuptual mass wedding when I married my ex- even though we'd been living together for 2 years, and I was already divorced (big, bad mistake lasting 7 months!). The Catholic priest had to get Vatican dispensation due to my divorce. As my first H and I had been married in a registry office, he was already divorced, not a Catholic and had gone to prison as well - as far as the vatican Council was concerned, the Marriage had been null and void and never took place in the first instance! (I love the way they can move the Goalposts when they want to!! ) Our living together had nothing to do with it. In 1994, The RC Church implemented a condition for couples in the UK wishing to marry in a RC church. They had to attend a pre-wedding workshop and evaluate their relationship. I became a Counsellor and Workshop co-ordinator for the organisation charged with doing this ('Marriage Care') and learnt a lot! It was amazing! 99% of couples being obliged to attend these workshops thought initially they were a waste of time - and virtually everyone - at the end, when it was all over, said and done - were soooooooo relieved they'd attended! In the 3 years I worked with them, running these workshops every 3 months or so, two couples cancelled their wedding, seven postponed them, and three (too late to either cancel OR postpone!) actually booked counselling sessions for after their honeymoons due to issues they didn't know they had! fantastic course! Which is why I know, even though I was given an engagement ring by my partner, and we are totally committed to one another - marriage is not on the cards. It would be 3rd time for both of us, and given that laws concerning common-Law liaisons are as good as they are for married ones, we're quite happy as we are. The only reason we'd marry is for financial reasons. But I don't see there being any legal issues which would necessitate that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 10, 2008 Author Share Posted October 10, 2008 I think a pre-wedding workshop is a fantastic idea. Too many people rush to the altar under the influence of carnal lust. How long were the sessions, and how soon before the anticipated wedding date? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 The sessions were for the whole weekend, and the amount of time before the wedding varied. We held workshops every quarter, so some people attended with little time to spare, others had more of a wait. I have to say, those who objected most, were the men, and of the very few people who really hadn't seen the point of it all, most were men too. The problem is, usually, their GFs had found great value in the workshops, so there was a little bit of a red flag right there...... But the majority of people - both guys and gals - were extremely gald for the opportunity of having had the chance to really get down to the nitty gritty of their relationship. It was an eye-opener for many of them, and indisputably valuable. I still have all my notes, and I would still be eligible to run the workshops. Minor problem is, I'm not a RCatholic any more. But it was an extremely valuable experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 16, 2008 Author Share Posted October 16, 2008 That would be great advice if I were fixing my car. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted October 16, 2008 Share Posted October 16, 2008 Ahhh....now I see what you are asking (I think!). When my now H and I decided to get married, we wanted to have a wedding within 8 - 12 months. It was not my first marriage, but his first. It was important to him to be very traditional, and he wanted the full on engagement with the ring, the announcements, etc. I was flattered, but a bit hesitant - HE was the important part right? I was reluctant to show him rings I liked, not wanting to seem materialistic and not having any idea what he would feel comfy spending. We rented the facility and made 75% of the arrangements 2 months before he officially proposed, on bended knee, with a ring more beautiful than I would have picked myself. Prior to the official proposal/ring we told no one of our plans. Well, I did of course! Link to post Share on other sites
raclar Posted October 17, 2008 Share Posted October 17, 2008 Talk to him about it! Tell him what you're thinking and talk about what you want and what he wants... I don't think there are any hard and fast "rules" about engagements any more. Regarding church service... I was raised Roman Catholic and I know of several couples who were initially told they "No" the couldn't be married or had to wait but they "shopped around" and found a priest willing to marry them. So if church is important to you.. you can make it work, one way or another. Pre-marital counselling or a marriage class is probably a good idea! Friends who've done it all agree that classes/counseling was helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author konfuzd Posted October 17, 2008 Author Share Posted October 17, 2008 I have talked to him about it. He said that he is clueless about all this stuff. He wants me to tell him when I think he should get the ring. So, I came here seeking opinions from others who have been engaged/married so I can have a better idea of what to tell him. Link to post Share on other sites
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