Content10 Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 Hello, I appreciate any advice that I can get from anyone that has the experience. I am obviously confused or I wouldn't be searching for help. I started playing a co-ed sport about a month ago. There is a guy that my friend asked to play with us and for the first game I gave him no thought. Well, the next day he emailed me to see if I would sub on his team since he needed an extra player and I said yes. We all had a drink or two before and after the game. No biggee. The next day he emailed me and said thank you for helping out. I responded and then he responded and it's been going back and forth ever since. The thing is, it's only about sports and our co-ed games. It's never personal. I don't know why he continues to email me. This is what I'm confused about. Can anyone help? Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 I don't think that's cheating. Pretty likely that the guy is into you and the emails will start getting personal, that's where you need to draw some lines in the sand. You may ask yourself, "Would I feel comfortable doing this if my husband was watching over my shoulder?" as a guideline for what's acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Content10 Posted October 10, 2008 Author Share Posted October 10, 2008 I am married and I'm not sure if he knows that or not. Like I've said, nothing has been personal. Don't you think he can talk to his guy friends about sports? Seriously, how many guys really talk to girls about that topic? I've said to him that I'll let him go because I don't want to be a bother and he says that I'm not. I'm not sure why I keep responding to him though. He emailed me at the end of the day and I did not respond. If he emails me tomorrow I think I'm going to ignore it. We've emailed so much during work hours that I was nervous and choked when I saw him at our last game. I completely clammed up and he commented me about it the next day. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 Are you attracted to him? That's the only reason why I can imagine you'd get nervous around him. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 When men interact with women, especially in a social atmosphere, there is only one thing on their mind, and it's not stimulating conversation. I have a feeling that eventually his emails will evolve into something more and more personal. He's laying the foundation for his true intentions. I'm a guy so it's easy for me to recognize this. Let's put the shoe on the other foot. If your husband was exchanging emails with a single women, no matter what the initial content was, would you be concerned about this? The fact that you expressed your own concerns, and asked us if this was OK, answers your own question. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 I've said to him that I'll let him go because I don't want to be a bother and he says that I'm not. I'm not sure why I keep responding to him though. He emailed me at the end of the day and I did not respond. If he emails me tomorrow I think I'm going to ignore it. We've emailed so much during work hours that I was nervous and choked when I saw him at our last game. I completely clammed up and he commented me about it the next day. Read this afew times - I think your gut is speaking to you and deep down you know that continuing to email him IS going to lead to trouble. You wouldn't have posted this if it was completely innocent and platonic. It's not what's being said, it's how YOU react and feel to his emails.. Focus that energy into your husband and distance yourself from this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 10, 2008 Share Posted October 10, 2008 When men interact with women, especially in a social atmosphere, there is only one thing on their mind, and it's not stimulating conversation. I disagree, though I won't go as far as to say it's not applicable here. We have no way of knowing. The OP is nervous about her reaction and the dynamic, and she is apparently married, so she needs to set a boundary which is comfortable to her. Men and women have satisfying inter-gender friendships every day and they aren't with an agenda (on either side). We're human first, then gender, then sexual. We each define that for ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
CoryCosmetics Posted October 11, 2008 Share Posted October 11, 2008 When men interact with women, especially in a social atmosphere, there is only one thing on their mind, and it's not stimulating conversation. I have a feeling that eventually his emails will evolve into something more and more personal. He's laying the foundation for his true intentions. I'm a guy so it's easy for me to recognize this. Let's put the shoe on the other foot. If your husband was exchanging emails with a single women, no matter what the initial content was, would you be concerned about this? The fact that you expressed your own concerns, and asked us if this was OK, answers your own question. Pretty good advice and points made. I think for starters and a clearer perspective, you need to put the shoe on the other foot first as suggested her. Do you have drastically different personalites as far as who is more outgoing in general? I can say if it were happening to my s/o and I found out about it, I would be worried of what groundwork history was being made. I personally would start decreasing communication with him regarless -- things will then clearly take their turn/s. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author Content10 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Thank you for your comments. To answer your question norajane; he is a an average looking guy and seems to be very kind. I think I became nervous because of the increased communication during the last week prior to the game and I didn't know why he kept emailing me and what his intentions were, if any. It could be simply he's just being nice and likes to talk. I think he has a gf but I'm not sure. Like I said he has never asked me anything personal and he is not a flirt. I do think of him quite often and wonder what I would do if he persisted me. My husband travels all week and I only see him on the wknds so I'm assuming I am lonely. Carhill: you are correct when you say that men/women can have friendships. I definitely did not have agenda and I don't think he did in the beginning either. He might now but I'm not sure. If he is just being friendly then that would be great. It's the unknown that makes me nervous. CoryCosmetics: I am probably more outgoing than him but we both are laid back and easy going. I am concerned about the groundwork history also. He replied to an email on Thursday and I did not reply to it that day or Friday. I tested him to see if he would go out of his way to start a new email on Friday and he did not, so I think that he's just wanting a friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 This is just my opinion, for what that's worth. I think you are walking a very fine tightrope here and I hope you don't fall. MANY affairs are the results of unintended circumstances. I do think your intention in this situation is for someone to share your free time with while your husband is out of town. Nothing wrong with that, except, in my opinion a married women socializing alone, (emails, drinks, dinner, etc), with a man other than her husband is not appropriate. Same runs true with a married man socializing exclusively with a woman other than his wife. Trust me, nothing good will come out of these. Put the shoe on the other foot, when your husband is out of town with work, would you have a problem with him emailing or socializing with another woman? Good luck to you and God Bless. Link to post Share on other sites
Konfuzion Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 It sound potentially dangerous but it doesn't sound like you have crossed that line yet. But to answer your question yes e-mailing can be a form of emotional cheating which can be worse in some cases than sexually cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 You see.. this is exactly HOW affairs start... You're married.. this guy started to email.. you answer.. you know, at one point, that you should ignore the emails.. but, out of curiosity, you keep on emailing.. now you're not sure of his motives.. it's peeking your curiosity.. you're a little bit drawn by all this.. Now you haven't emailed back.. you're now thinking it was 'nothing'... BUT... you will check your emails more often.. just to see.. this is EXACTLY how it all starts.. very innoncently then you get caught up in lust.. or whatever it is ... Link to post Share on other sites
MizzBlue72 Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I agree with what Lizzie says - It can start very innocently. Good rule of thumb - is this something you keep from your spouse? If it is, then it could be a form of cheating, maybe an EA. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 And I agree with both Mizz B and Lizzie. If it takes time, thought and emotional energy away from your marriage then it's on the verge of becoming cheating. My advice??? - knawk it awf! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 I agree with Lizzie - this is EXACTLY how many, many affairs begin. Look: I do think of him quite often and wonder what I would do if he persisted me. You're already thinking about him. Why? He's just some guy on the team, right? But you aren't thinking about any of the other guys on the team. You're already intrigued with this guy. If you had been emailing with a woman on the team using those exact same words, would you be thinking about her? I'm guessing not in quite the same way. So, recognize this and step back. And stop thinking about him. Start emailing your husband like that when he's away. Flirt with your hubby in email..."I was thinking about you..." and share some sexy little fantasy of yours. Keep checking your email until HE replies with some sexy little note of his own. Focus all this energy on your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Google "15 steps to adultery". Welcome to the thin end of the wedge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Content10 Posted October 12, 2008 Author Share Posted October 12, 2008 Thank you everyone for your opinions and advice. I only responded to his emails in the beginning because he said thank you for being a sub. If someone emails me, I respond. It truly was innocent and I had no intentions. He was probably responding back to me out of kindness also. I think we were both being polite and had no intentions. We just kept continuing and I had to wonder why he kept it up and if he had a motive. That's why I became nervous because if he was interested, I would be uncomfortable. I really needed to hear it from people outside of the box. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted October 12, 2008 Share Posted October 12, 2008 Good for you. Tell your husband as well so that everything is out in the open. Imagine he should check your cell and inadvertently catch all those messages. Thanks for sharing this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Content10 Posted October 18, 2008 Author Share Posted October 18, 2008 Update: I'm in deeper than I thought I would be. I am in my early 30's and have a teenage dtr. I have been separated for a couple of years now and have not divorced my husband because of her, which is her father by the way. He visits her on the wknds and is a great father and a great guy. I care for him but I am not in love with him. I have tried to be unselfish in thinking of her first. It would completely crush her if we were to divorce just like it would for any child to see their parents split. He is still madly in love with me and it breaks my heart not to feel the same way about him. I have never cheated on him nor felt any feelings for any other man until now.. So, after all of this time I met this guy and that's why I started this post. He and I email all day, everyday, during work hours and we do not work for the same company. It is very hard, but I do not initiate the email conversations because I don't want to seem like I don't have morals. I know that he's thinking about me because why else would he want to talk?! For the most part, it's been very casual and friendly and we just talk about general things about ourselves. He has never asked me anything personal (marriage, children, where I live, etc.), so why after 3 weeks has he not asked me anything on a personal level? What in the world does he want and why is he spending so much time communicating w/me? He knows my last name is different than my brother's and I've mentioned that I had to pick up my dtr after my game. I don't want to make this long and boring, I feel that I'm emotionally connected to him and how can I not be with all of the emailing back and forth? He is now starting to let me know what he's doing on the wknds and said to me that I look like I'm in good shape and that's because he sees me once a week at our game. Any more advice? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 18, 2008 Share Posted October 18, 2008 My instinct is you are emotionally detached from your H and, IMO, therefore able and willing to form new emotional attachments with a male. I think you have a decision to make. I think this man who is e-mailing with you is a signpost. He's telling you something about yourself. I think, perhaps unknowingly, you've been sending out signals of availability. I'd suggest re-examining your reasons for continuing your M. Perhaps counseling could help, I don't know. Your feelings are valid and real; however, how you act on them will define you both for yourself and as a role model for your daughter. I wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
Author Content10 Posted October 22, 2008 Author Share Posted October 22, 2008 I went to see a counselor yesterday for the first time and she confirmed that I am positive that I want to end my marriage. I wanted to make sure that I am thinking logically, rationally, and that I'm emotionally detached from him. Now that he knows I want to file for divorce and he is calling my father, brother, and daughter everyday playing the victim. It makes me sick to my stomach that they want me to stay in this marriage. I feel that no one is wanting me to be happy and thinking of me. I've been told that I am being selfish and they are deeply hurt. I just don't get it, why isn't anyone thinking of how I feel? The 2nd part of this story: the email guy, he text me all wknd long while he was out w/his friends, at a game, and out to dinner. He wanted to know how I was feeling, where I'm out and who I'm with. I didn't know why he was thinking about me while he is doing these things w/other people! Well, last night at our game he brought his gf. I was really shocked, disappointed, and pi$$ed. I emailed him this am and told him that I wasn't aware he had a gf and I said that I only wish him happiness. I said that I can not communicate w/him no longer. His response was that he felt like an @ss and they have been in a downward spiral for quite some time but decided to try once again. OK!?!He said that he really likes me and he doesn't want me to think he's a player and a jerk. So, why did he keep emailing me and texting me and then all of the sudden his gf comes to the game w/him?!? He was very sincere in his email and I could tell he felt really bad. What's the deal? I still need some outside help here... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted October 23, 2008 Share Posted October 23, 2008 No you don't. You want a divorce, which is one issue, and the e-mail guy needs kicking to the kerb, because he's a prevaricating, indecisive person. Second issue. Go your own way. What else is there to do? Link to post Share on other sites
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