Parents just don't understand

[MN randomguy]

Wow, where to begin. This will be a long one.

 

So, my parents are nice people. But growing-up they would always do this thing where they would pick the least attractive girl and tease me about her. I would get embarrassed and they thought it was funny.

 

So, that combined with weight issues have kept me awkward for most of my life. In 2004 I had a great roommate and met some positive friends that helped me gain self-esteem and defeat my weight issues.

 

I called some of my old friends from back home out. They expected me to constantly take one for the team and tried to sabotage every time I talked to a girl I liked when I was out with them. I demanded respect and basically told them to F*** off I didn't ever want to see them again.

 

Then, I really started confronting my parents on how damaging it is to have no positive reinforcement. Dad gets it.

 

Mom,

 

Well, She always picks her friend's heavy daughters and talks like I should date them. The tricky thing is Mom is 5'6" and about 300#.

 

This summer we went on a 4000 mile road trip vacation to visit my little sister. She took an opportunity to make fun of me about a bigger inappropriately dressed girl that we saw from my sister's window. I was amazed at how hard I had to verbally bash this girl to provide negative reinforcement to my mother. I have told her many times that I don't care about her lifestyle choices and if she wants to be big and beautiful... Whatever. But its a deal breaker for me.

 

I simmered for a couple of weeks then sent her an email. I got an apology from her, but, she still asks how I feel about these girls of whether I have disdain for them pitty, etc.

 

Now, I am pretty much an objectivist philosophically. I don't think pity is something to aspire to. But, it burns me that she is so concerned with these girls and not her son.

 

Should I figure out a way to let it go? Or, would it resolve anything to pick at the proverbial scab again and ask her why it matters to her and really say that its not her place to care. Aren't mothers supposed to care about their families first and foremost?

[Ronni_W]

I'm sorry -- I can't make much sense out of your post .

I get that your mom is constantly doing/saying things to hurt you and make you feel "bad" about yourself. And I get it has something to do with being overweight. Though it sounds like you no longer have a body weight issue yourself.

 

Is it that she's saying stuff like, "Oh, there's a nice, big, fat girl for you"? If so, it is possible that she is projecting (re-directing) her own guilt and/or shame for how much she weighs, and trying to deflect any focus on fat people away from herself...and on to you, who she seems to have latched onto as a handy 'target'.

 

Moms are like everyone else -- when they have deep-seated self-image issues, low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, etc., they use exactly the same maladaptive/dysfunctional coping strategies as the rest of us.

 

If you wanted to have a different kind of discussion with her about it, perhaps you'll gain some insight into her behaviour if you ask her why she places so much emphasis on OTHER people's weight, and if/how it is a reflection on how she feels about her own body and physical attractiveness? How did her mom, dad & other caregivers treat her, as an overweight younger person? How is she hoping to help and inspire you with her current way of handling things when it comes to this? What is her desire for you, about that?

 

And of course, you can also let her know the effect that she has on you -- that you feel...whatever you feel. Put more specific and clearer words on it, so that hopefully she will (finally) get it. Hurt. Disappointed. Unloved. Unlovable. Incompetent. Unworthy (of being her son, or whatever.) Unaccepted. Criticized. Judged.

Words like that sometimes have a stronger impact than 'frustrated', 'angry', etc.

 

Best of luck.

[Angel1111]

Yeah, I had trouble following this post, too. I'm not sure exactly what your parents were doing. It seemed that because you were overweight, they made fun of you being with overweight girls. Either way, it was a dumb message to send to you - if nothing else, it shows no respect for other people.

 

When I was about 16, my dad used to kid me about an overweight guy named Kenneth because Kenneth had a crush on me and my dad thought it was super funny. We joked about it a lot because my dad couldn't imagine having a son-in-law like this - he was lazy, dumb, clueless, you name it. Well, he really wasn't dumb, just acted like it most of the time. Plus, we didn't like Kenneth's mother. She talked non-stop (about absolutely nothing) and my dad once said, "She talked so long that I nearly passed out." Anyway, it was a joke between my dad and I for years. But it didn't bug me because it was never meant as an insult to me.

 

I think your mom has issues about how she looks and wonders if a heavy person is actually attractive or not. Or she may be afraid that you'll date a really beautiful girl and it will make her look bad. She may just simply have a very warped sense of humor and it may be her way of connecting with you through laughing at someone else. Regardless, she seems pretty clueless if she doesn't understand that this stuff bugs you. This is not typical parenting.

[MN randomguy]

Sorry I'm not more articulate.

 

I think you're picking up what I'm putting down Angel.

 

This is what's so frustrating. If she is wondering if a larger woman can be attractive.... Well to be totally honest and politically incorrect the answer is no.

 

Then if I'm the one to say that its kill the messager time.

 

As far as her being afraid that I will date a really beautiful girl. I think you're on to something. Its so frustrating. I think she has a warped sense for charity. Maybe that's her view of sexuality. You're supposed to give everything of value to the least desirable. But, I don't think its a joke. I think its an attempt to manipulate me into believing that they are all I'm capable of. She's got the whole feminist "I hate that skinny bitch" mentality.

 

How do you fit into a family structure like that?

 

Am I going to have to throw my relationship with my mother away for the rest of my single life? Then if I ever get married I guess the wife and mother won't get along unless the wife chooses to let herself go. I dunno, maybe I'd have better luck putting words to this to a shrink.

[Angel1111]

Yeah, you might. It would be best if you could just learn to ignore the juvenile things your mother says and stop taking the bait, if that's what you're doing. Just write her off as being very immature on this particular subject and leave it alone. As Dr. Phil once said, he and his dad constantly argued until one day he decided he wasn't going to do it. His dad finally caught on and said, "You're not going to do this anymore, are you?" Dr. Phil said no and he said his relationship with his dad changed after that.

 

If it doesn't change anything to stop engaging in these pointless conversations with your mother, then sometimes avoidance is the only solution - or moving away. Just because people are family doesn't mean we automatically click with them. It just means they're family and we deal with them because we respect our family structure, particularly our parents.