Do you wonder if your ex misses you?

[Ruby Slippers]

I broke up with him almost a month ago, we have been no contact since then, and I wonder if he misses me. Why do I care?! I wish I didn't. I think maybe I think it will somehow make it easier on me. Anyone else feel this way?

[Hersheys]

All the time. I wonder if the break up somehow has an impact on him and that I'm not one of those good riddances.

 

I've learned that there is nothing else you can do to make a person change his mind. As written in LS frequently - he may miss you but it doesn't mean he wants to reconcile with you.

[ioncebelieved]

Everyday!!! It matters that you meant something to them. At least for me it does. When I stop wondering does she think of and miss me is when I truly will be over this nightmare.

[Beee]

Yep, pretty much every day... and it drives me up the wall... I wish I could ask him, but I know it wouldn't be "good" for me to do that....

 

I guess deep down I know he still cares, not enough to be with me obviously, but I wish I could find out if he misses me and when.... I guess its a way of knowing that I'm not the only one hurting....

 

we will get there eventually!

[Geishawhelk]

I broke up with him almost a month ago, we have been no contact since then, and I wonder if he misses me. Why do I care?! I wish I didn't. I think maybe I think it will somehow make it easier on me....

 

No, it won't. How could it?

 

If you find out he misses you, you'll wonder why you therefore broke up in the first place, feel there might be hope, and start pining.

 

If you find out he doesn't miss you, you'll feel even more hurt and resentful, wonder how he could be like that, and be even more depressed.

 

Stop caring.

by all means miss him. But pick up your life, pin your shoulders back, stand tall, and start skipping.

[Trialbyfire]

You miss him so you've tied him into this projection. It's based on ego. You want him to miss you so maybe, just maybe he'll contact you. It's a slippery slope you're looking at so try, if at all possible to avoid it.

 

Put some energy into negating the thought by saying to yourself, "No, he doesn't miss me" and believing it. While this may hurt, it's a potential hard truth that is worth the cost of the pain. Apply if you really want to move on.

[Lizzie60]

I broke up with him almost a month ago, we have been no contact since then, and I wonder if he misses me. Why do I care?! I wish I didn't. I think maybe I think it will somehow make it easier on me. Anyone else feel this way?

 

I never wonder if they miss me.. I know they do.

[GodofNietzsche]

I'm starting to care less and less if they miss me. The truth is, I'll never know, and really it doesn't matter. Long distance broke up my relationship, and for a long time I couldn't accept the idea that circumstances have a big impact on relationships.

 

I always thought that the expression "timing is everything" applied only to human actions. But I realize it also means WHEN you meet people, and what they are like at that time. Perhaps if you met later or earlier, under different circumstances, things could have been different. But, the "what if" game is only a form of self-torture.

[Hersheys]

I'm starting to care less and less if they miss me. The truth is, I'll never know, and really it doesn't matter. Long distance broke up my relationship, and for a long time I couldn't accept the idea that circumstances have a big impact on relationships.

 

I always thought that the expression "timing is everything" applied only to human actions. But I realize it also means WHEN you meet people, and what they are like at that time. Perhaps if you met later or earlier, under different circumstances, things could have been different. But, the "what if" game is only a form of self-torture.

 

However, to some the "timing" will never be right.

[Kim666]

I wonder all the time if he misses me... I have to admit even for all the s*** he put me thru I still miss him.

 

They say that if you have left things unsaid when you break up you will continue to miss that person until you have said them, be it in person, by letter or even just writing a letter and never sending it.

 

It clears the air for you to move on.

 

I have done that but even now I wonder...especially since his new g/f looks like me down to the red hair, blue eyes and large chest...apparently now that is the only type he will date.

 

I hope you find peace and wish you luck

[foxh1234]

My ex used to email and call me and say how much she missed me, even though she was banging another guy, lol. An ex's words mean very little, it is their actions that will tell us all we need to know. Does my ex still miss me ? I don't know and don't care, she is in my past and that is where she put herself through her actions. Asking ourselves these questions only prolongs our pain. Whether they still miss us or not, means nothing. They have chose to not stay with us, that says all that needs to be said, IMO. Forget the what if's and move on. Life is too short for this type of thinking.

[tealeafbud]

I broke up with him almost a month ago, we have been no contact since then, and I wonder if he misses me. Why do I care?! I wish I didn't. I think maybe I think it will somehow make it easier on me. Anyone else feel this way?

 

I know how you feel Ruby. It's been a long time since I left my ex, but only 2.5 months of NC and I do wonder if she misses me. it's getting to be more rare nowadays.

 

Whenever I feel myself dwelling on her, or if she misses me, or whatever, I try to gently sweep those feelings aside and think about my current life, my current interests, and more important positive feelings.

 

Since I've gone NC, I've been learning so much about myself and rediscovering the real me. I think prior to that, I was always distracted. And I'll admit I am distracted at time, but it's ok, and I can positively distract myself to bigger and better things. It's a process and takes time. We all get there eventually.

[seminoles84]

My ex used to email and call me and say how much she missed me, even though she was banging another guy, lol. An ex's words mean very little, it is their actions that will tell us all we need to know. Does my ex still miss me ? I don't know and don't care, she is in my past and that is where she put herself through her actions. Asking ourselves these questions only prolongs our pain. Whether they still miss us or not, means nothing. They have chose to not stay with us, that says all that needs to be said, IMO. Forget the what if's and move on. Life is too short for this type of thinking.

 

 

Agree 100%

 

I know this is very hard for everyone. It still puzzles me.. when I catch myself thinking about it.. I make myself run an extra lap at the gym

[SoundTribe]

I am having the same problem you are having. My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago, and have been on NC since September 30. These past 10 days I have thought about her several times and I wonder if she misses me.

 

Its very futile because I know for a fact she doesn't miss me. My ex was a very emotionally driven girl and would never use her brain, only her heart. If she missed me we would unquestionably be together right now.

 

I know it hurts but breaking up is for the best. We need to rebuild ourselves and our characters. Screw our ex's, they may be laughing and having a good time now, but in the long run, you and I will be the ones gloating. Think of it that way.

[2sunny]

do i wonder if they miss me? no

 

i know they miss me. many still keep in contact and are dear friends... does that mean we are meant to date again? no

 

there are many things to like about me - but that doesn't mean i have a need to date them, sometimes - to have them as a friend is more worthwhile than the thoughts of going backwards and dating them.

 

to move forward and to have my interactions with them be healthy and happy is much better.

[Ruby Slippers]

Good advice, everyone!

 

If you find out he misses you, you'll wonder why you therefore broke up in the first place, feel there might be hope, and start pining.

 

If you find out he doesn't miss you, you'll feel even more hurt and resentful, wonder how he could be like that, and be even more depressed.

 

Stop caring.

by all means miss him. But pick up your life, pin your shoulders back, stand tall, and start skipping.

Very good point! I'm working on it, and doing fairly well.

 

I never wonder if they miss me.. I know they do.

 

haha Yes, normally I think I would feel this way, too. But he was so emotionally weird -- very over-the-top at times, and just vacant at others. That probably means that he has missed me a lot at some point, and not cared at all others. And that's fine, and as everyone has pointed out, it really doesn't matter one way or the other.

 

Deep down I know he misses me, and I also know it doesn't matter. I actually do NOT want him to contact me. I asked him not to, and I appreciate the fact that he has respected that. I don't want to change anyone's mind -- I broke up with him, and in spite of occasionally questioning whether it was the right thing to do, overall I am confident I did the right thing.

 

I do try not to think about it, or him, but sometimes it's lingering there in the back of my mind. The old me would pretend I didn't give it a second thought. I am trying to be more honest with myself and admit what I'm feeling, even if it's a little embarrassing.

[LikeCharlotte]

I am trying to be more honest with myself and admit what I'm feeling, even if it's a little embarrassing.

That is the hardest part. If you are honest with yourself then you cannot avoid changing behavior that you find embarrassing or negative. Most of all: allowing yourself to be vulnerable (honesty does that) will only make you stronger and smarter in your next relationship.

 

I also wanted to comment on wanted to know if your ex misses you. As many posters stated it should not matter and if it does you are in a position to get more hurt. I agree with them but I fully understand that when you are feeling this way you are looking for comfort and validation for your hurt.

 

After my ex and I broke up I was trying to figure out how we would deal with our inevitable contact (we have some mutual friends). So when I was feeling like I could handle it I reached out to him to ask him how he was feeling and how he felt we should handle it. He kept telling me that it "didn't matter" and that we would "see how it goes" but we would be friends. His coldness and shortness confused me. Bear in mind that I had no desire to get back together with him and had no romantic feelings toward him at all at this point but I fully expected him to be pleasant and receptive. I ended up wrapped up in worry about whether or not we could be casual and friendly again for months until I saw him and he completely ignored me. I don't think it was wrong for me to be concerned about his feelings but it did backfire on me. I was very hurt that I had let myself get involved with someone so childish and I had to grieve (albiet briefly) all over again. My point is that although you want to concern yourself with the exes feelings sometimes for yourself and other times because you simply aren't a cold heartless person - you shouldn't. It takes a long time to separate yourself from intimacy and once you are separated if you find that a real friendship is possible then, and only then should you concern yourself. Otherwise you are spinning your wheels and wasting valuable positive energy on something that is simply over. What matters now is that you love yourself, you continue to be honest with yourself and you look forward until you can move forward. Good Luck Ruby.

[Rafa]

I know she misses me, she has told me every time we've broken no contact (like 10 times in 6 weeks or so), but it doesn't make a blind bit of difference, she doesn't want me back.

[9Lives]

I broke up with him almost a month ago, we have been no contact since then, and I wonder if he misses me. Why do I care?! I wish I didn't. I think maybe I think it will somehow make it easier on me. Anyone else feel this way?

 

I know my ex misses me. He broke up with me but yet he still texts me cause I have cut him off...not interested in friendship right now. I miss him a whole lot but he is the one who said he does not think it will work because of his own issues. I cant be friends cause I still want to sleep with hm and be his woman. So it does make me feel good to know he is thinking of me but a weak ass text is not going to get a response out of me.

 

As for you.....why did you break up? How long were you together?

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree with them but I fully understand that when you are feeling this way you are looking for comfort and validation for your hurt.

Thank you. I do think it's a very normal feeling to have. And I don't think it's too much of a concern, since I have not wanted to contact him. (Well, OK, when a visiting friend took me out and got me sloshed last weekend, I considered calling him, but I drunk dialed several friends and talked to them instead. )

 

As for you.....why did you break up? How long were you together?

Almost two years, all but 8 months of it long distance. I didn't feel that we had real closeness, or that we were really working toward any kind of future together. I tried to just relax and not worry about it, but the fact is I was never really happy and content with him. The times it really felt right were fleeting. I felt that he kept me at arm's length. Whenever I got more distant in response, he would work hard to lure me back in, and as soon as we got close, he would push me away again immediately. He was very hot and cold, and it was exhausting for me. I started to realize that he would be great FWB material, but was not good relationship material. And since FWB is not what I want, I moved on.

[Ingenue]

I sometimes wonder if my ex misses me. I was (according to him, though now I doubt the veracity of his statement), a seminal part in his life. We were together for over 5 years. But, since we're not together, and since I'm fast approaching my 100 NC milestone, I can safely say that I don't think my ex misses me one bit. In fact, I don't even think I register as a small speck of dust on his radar. He has moved on with his life. He dumped me to date others, so the extent of his missing me is slim to none.

 

As other posters have said, constantly thinking about whether your ex misses you places you in an emotionally liminal position. You begin to wonder whether he/she does and that can initiate the grieving process all over again if the answer you were expecting wasn't the one you received.

 

I know it's a hard thing to think that your ex doesn't miss you anymore. What may be healthier is reprogramming the way you approach the question. Perhaps instead of asking whether our exes miss us, it's more important to ask ourselves, "why do we care?"

 

For me, I'm beginning to think more and more like that. Why should I care whether he misses me or not. I'm not a part of his life. Why give him another thought.

[orangehose]

 

I do try not to think about it, or him, but sometimes it's lingering there in the back of my mind. The old me would pretend I didn't give it a second thought. I am trying to be more honest with myself and admit what I'm feeling, even if it's a little embarrassing.

 

I'm sure he misses you, Ruby. You were the dumper, you asked him not to contact you and he is respecting your wishes. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel the urge to contact you - he's suppressing it for both of your sakes.

 

I think there is ego involved in both sides of a breakup. Even if you're the dumper, I'm sure it's not so easy to see your ex waltz happily onwards with his/her life, when you agonized over the decision to break.

[sultry33]

how could he not miss me is what i say..

i know he mises me as he told me but i miss the old him not the new him he has become:sick:

 

im sure the new gf is helping him get over me :laugh:

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm sure he misses you, Ruby. You were the dumper, you asked him not to contact you and he is respecting your wishes. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel the urge to contact you - he's suppressing it for both of your sakes.

Thank you for saying that. I don't know why it helps, but it does!

 

I think part of what's making it a little tougher is that I'm having a very hard time imagining being friends with him in the future. I am pretty sure that if I were to contact him and want to be friends, he would want to (he told me that the last day we saw each other), but I don't want to. Though I thought I could, right now I just see no benefit to being friends with him. Maybe in time my feelings will change, but I think it's going to be quite a while.

[lofi_tokyo]

I totally wonder if he misses me - its like a ghost that follows me around every time I think of him. This tread is much needed for me - so thanks for starting it Ruby, because people's responses are giving me a new approach to moving on. AMEN!