Unsure and need some unbiased

[unsure_one]

Hi. I've been married to my 2nd husband (I'll refer to him as "JA") for a little over 9 years, and we have an eight year-old son. My children from my first marriage hate my husband. It started with chores; the day after we were married, the chores list went up. If the kitchen wasn't "clean to his standards," the kids would be made to do the chore again and again...sometimes staying up till 2 AM. He said he was making a point, and that I hadn't done a good job of discipline (bless my heart, I was a single mother and all)...now it was his chance to make my life easier-that's what he'd tell me.

 

When "chores" weren't done, JA would go into drill sergeant mode, getting right into their faces and yelling them down. Back then the kids were 7, 8, and 10. Their chores? Cleaning the kitchen, their bedrooms, sorting/washing laundry...it grew over time. His anger grew over time. There has never been physical abuse. The closest JA came to this was hitting the wall next to my daughter (then 13) hard enough to put a hole though the drywall and saying to her "next time it will be your face." I was gone at the time...and he denied saying that when I got home.

 

He tells my girls that they're lazy and fat. He will tell my (now 16 yo) daughter that he "fully expects her to be pregnant by the time she graduates high school-IF she graduates high school."

 

Friends don't come to our house when JA is home, neither mine nor the older kids'.

 

There are times when JA goes out of his way to do nice things, however, for my kids. Times when there's not yelling and tension, but it seems to be unpredictable.

 

JA is not verbally abusive to me. But I hurt every time he says or does something "mean" to my kids. I've told him this time and again, but he tells me the kids "abuse him." He calls himself a "stepped-on dad."

 

I am the buffer between JA and my daughters. (My oldest son-now at college- is OK with him.) Whenever I'm gone (and I travel some for business), I worry who's going to escalate the tension and what's going to happen. Once it was so bad, JA called the police and asked for my youngest daughter to be arrested because she slapped him after he called her a "c**t." I was horrified by it all and a thousand miles away feeling helpless.

 

I am thinking of filing for divorce on the grounds of Domestic Abuse (not that I need legal grounds, as I live in a no-fault state). Am I over-reacting? Is this just normal step-family stuff? JA gets along with our son, who would be devastated by a divorce.

 

Any insight will be appreciated. Thanks.

[quankanne]

no, you're NOT over-reacting, IMO – emotional abuse is just as valid a situation as physical abuse, and shouldn't be overlooked.

 

I wish I could remember which magazine I clipped it from, but there was an article that addressed this very issue, about how women being abused didn't consider it abuse because there was no physicality involved. I think it was a recent edition of Redbook, I'll have to look up the link.

 

meanwhile, you're making a smart move on behalf of your children, because believe me, it takes awhile to get all those ugly things a parent says or insinuates out of your head and out of your psyche ... my guess is that your husband is himself a victim of emotional/mental abuse, and this is why he cannot see how wrong he is in doing this to your kids.

 

are the kids receiving any kind of counselling to help counter all the vicious bile he's been spouting at them?

[quankanne]

okay, found it, called http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/verbal-abuse-violence?click=main_sr

[Eve]

Definately a case of emotional abuse.

 

The most sensible advice I have heard regarding the parenting of Step-Children is that the Step-Parent must always follow the natural parent and not implement their own rules. This way both parents are always working together. In this view, if/when the natural parent needs support, support is provided privately and strategies decided upon away from the children so that all parenting is unified.

 

He has not done well at all by you or your children. I really hope and pray that you get some good support now and move on..

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Kim666]

NO you are not over reacting..I let my ex talk down to my son and it was the BIGGEST mistake I ever made.

 

He called my son everything but a person and told me the same things that your husband has told you..you were a lousy mother, the kids are undiscplined, lazy, fat, etc.

 

My son finally had taken so much verbal abuse that he opted to move in with his grandparents.

 

It was the hardest thing I ever did to pack him up and send him there, but it was what he wanted and more then likely what he needed for himself and his self esteem.

 

He will be 13 in 2 weeks and is a fabulous kid and knows some of what I went thru but not all of it...

 

He is going to grow into the exact opposite of what my ex is....

 

Do what you have to, to protect your kids from the verbal, mental abuse.

 

It hurts way more then a slap ever will and remain a lot longer

[You'reasian]

Hi. I've been married to my 2nd husband (I'll refer to him as "JA") for a little over 9 years, and we have an eight year-old son. My children from my first marriage hate my husband. It started with chores; the day after we were married, the chores list went up. If the kitchen wasn't "clean to his standards," the kids would be made to do the chore again and again...sometimes staying up till 2 AM. He said he was making a point, and that I hadn't done a good job of discipline (bless my heart, I was a single mother and all)...now it was his chance to make my life easier-that's what he'd tell me.

 

When "chores" weren't done, JA would go into drill sergeant mode, getting right into their faces and yelling them down. Back then the kids were 7, 8, and 10. Their chores? Cleaning the kitchen, their bedrooms, sorting/washing laundry...it grew over time. His anger grew over time. There has never been physical abuse. The closest JA came to this was hitting the wall next to my daughter (then 13) hard enough to put a hole though the drywall and saying to her "next time it will be your face." I was gone at the time...and he denied saying that when I got home.

 

He tells my girls that they're lazy and fat. He will tell my (now 16 yo) daughter that he "fully expects her to be pregnant by the time she graduates high school-IF she graduates high school."

 

Friends don't come to our house when JA is home, neither mine nor the older kids'.

 

There are times when JA goes out of his way to do nice things, however, for my kids. Times when there's not yelling and tension, but it seems to be unpredictable.

 

JA is not verbally abusive to me. But I hurt every time he says or does something "mean" to my kids. I've told him this time and again, but he tells me the kids "abuse him." He calls himself a "stepped-on dad."

 

I am the buffer between JA and my daughters. (My oldest son-now at college- is OK with him.) Whenever I'm gone (and I travel some for business), I worry who's going to escalate the tension and what's going to happen. Once it was so bad, JA called the police and asked for my youngest daughter to be arrested because she slapped him after he called her a "c**t." I was horrified by it all and a thousand miles away feeling helpless.

 

I am thinking of filing for divorce on the grounds of Domestic Abuse (not that I need legal grounds, as I live in a no-fault state). Am I over-reacting? Is this just normal step-family stuff? JA gets along with our son, who would be devastated by a divorce.

 

Any insight will be appreciated. Thanks.

 

Your husbands behavior is borderline abusive - but he gets along with your son? That seems contradictory. Hitting a dry wall is a bit excessive.

[Caitlan]

This is full blown abuse. He is emotionally abusing/verbally abusing your children. Have you told him to stop? ... or are you afraid to speak up to him. Nobody should treat children the way he is treating these children. You know it in your heart. Time is up for him. Unless you want your children to grow up to be emotionally scarred you need to get away from this man.

[unsure_one]

Thanks to all of you for your advice.

 

I have an update on my situation. I was cleaning my garage on Sunday and ran across 'suicide notes' written by JA. There was one for me, one for his mother, one for our 8 yo son, and one for his son from the previous marriage. The tone was about the same in all of them..."poor me, I'm doing what I think is best for you and I love you so much..." Except for mine. In mine, he blamed me and my kids for his problems. At the end, he says he knows what he's doing is a sin, and in big capital letters he says, "TELL MICHELLE I'LL BE WAITING FOR HER!" Michelle is my youngest daughter, and the one who stands up to him most of the time.

 

That was it. I have had enough. I asked my dad to take the kids to a motel so they wouldn't be home when JA got home.

 

When JA came home from work, I told him I found his notes and that it was time for him to leave. He said they were old (I knew they were, but it didn't matter anymore). He did actually drink himself into a stupor the night he wrote them. I had to call for an ambulance that night because he was such bad shape, but he denied being suicidal.

 

I know now that he wasn't really suicidal, it's just another ploy to control me by playing on my emotions.

 

I digress....

 

Sunday...JA went into the house, came back out 5 minutes later wanting to know where our son was. When I said he was with my dad, JA threw his cell phone on the cement driveway and left.

 

He called the next day from a hospital. He was in cardiac ICU. Well, what REALLY happened was he sat in his car in the hospital parking lot and took an overdose of concerta (prescription amphetamine). When he felt sick enough, he walked into the emergency room. How twisted is that?

 

JA is now at the psych hospital, but no one will give me any information about him, as JA hasn't given me the "code." Once again, he's in control.

I told these people that all I want to know is when he's getting out, so I can be sure the kids and I are either not home, or well fortressed inside the home. Even with the explanation of his past threats to the kids, I still can get no information.

 

My attorney says I don't have enough evidence of recent abuse to ask for an emergency restraining order.

 

So now JA is the one being protected from me, and the kids and I are left waiting for the other shoe to fall. This is so wrong.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Mz. Pixie]

This recent trip to the hospital is to play you- he's manipulating you with crap like this to keep you from leaving him.

 

I was verbally abused growing up- among the other types of abuse I suffered and I can tell you I hold ALOT of resentment towards my mother who did alot of the abusing and kept me in the company of my other abuser by staying married to him.

 

Do not keep your kids in that situation a moment longer. They are being damaged everyday.

[amaysngrace]

This recent trip to the hospital is to play you- he's manipulating you with crap like this to keep you from leaving him.

 

That sounds about right.

 

What does JA stand for anyway...JackAss?

[unsure_one]

That sounds about right.

 

What does JA stand for anyway...JackAss?

 

Gee, How did you guess???!!!!:laugh:

[unsure_one]

OK, I know this is a very stupid question, but as we all expected, JA wants to make sweet now and go to counseling and change.

 

Should I give him a chance? I mean can people like this really change, even with professional help?

 

I told him that he has to move out now, even if he does go to counseling.

 

I'm trying to decide whether to file for divorce now or actually give him some time to PROVE he can change. I told him I don't think he can. This JackAss is 52.

 

Thoughts?

[Siciliana]

Let some man act like that towards my daughter even once and he would be choking on the wake of dust particles left behind by my moving feet.

 

1. He threatened her physically saying he would punch her in the face. Even if he didn't "say" it, he left a hole in the wall. That speaks enough.

 

2. He belittles them and talks down to them about becoming pregnant High school drop outs? That is enough to make me walk.

 

3. He called her a Cu*t. Umm..... yeah, NOT COOL.

 

This "man" is teaching these women what to expect for themselves in their future.... is that what you want for them?

 

Who cares what your son feels about it, he is out of the house and it is not as critical to his well being.

[amaysngrace]

I'm trying to decide whether to file for divorce now or actually give him some time to PROVE he can change. I told him I don't think he can. This JackAss is 52.

 

Thoughts?

 

If you decide to go to counseling with him realize he's probably going for his own benefit, because you have wounded his pride. Abusers are good actors. Sure he will act sorry and he may even curb some of his raunchy behaviors but he'll never do a complete 180 IME.

 

Quite frankly I'm still afraid for my children when they go to their dads sometimes. The kids and I have an open-ended agreement that if it ever gets too uncomfortable there to call me and I will come and get them in a racing heartbeat.

 

I don't think abusive people have enough empathy to ever sympathize with their victims. I don't know if they can ever feel remorse by placing themselves in their victims' shoes.

 

If they were that type of person they'd never be an abuser.

[Ronni_W]

and in big capital letters he says, "TELL MICHELLE I'LL BE WAITING FOR HER!"

This is quite scary, to me. Well, even more scary than all the other stuff you've allowed him to do to your kids.

 

To need/want to threaten a child from the grave, so to speak -- what is that message really about? What did he mean, by that? Are you 100% certain he hasn't molested her or, at least, attempted to?

 

As a daughter, I would be heartbroken and horrified to learn that my mother would even be considering counseling/reconciliation with a person who could treat me like he has treated your daughters.

 

As a parent, I would be looking into therapy for my children, and counseling for myself to learn how I let this happen and how to make amends to my children.

 

I do wish you and your children the best. I don't think this guy will ever come close to "best" for them, given how much they've already suffered under him. From the children's perspective, there IS no counseling or rehabilitation that will suffice, I mean. Protect your children.

[Mz. Pixie]

I would encourage him to go to counseling and change but I would make it clear that I wasn't getting back together with him. You do not need that drama in your life. Focus on your children who certainly need counseling.

[jwi71]

Do not under any circumstance allow this man back into your life.

He has serious anger and control issues.

Continue with the divorce.

 

He needs IC. His deep seated anger and control issues need help. And it won't be solved overnight. He is dangerous. He is violent. He is emotionally abusive. Because of that you cannot allow him near your children.

 

I would hate for his suicide note to become reality - and for him to take you and your children with him.

[Geishawhelk]

I can't add anything original to this except to say that his behavioural issues will take years to confront, and overcome. And he's got to do that, not you. And he's got to Really, REALLY want to do it, with or without you.

You need to put as many emotional and physical miles between you and this man as is humanly possible.

Period.

[2sure]

Unsure -

My heart is breaking for you and your girls. When I read your first post (today) , I almost replied that my Dad WAS a drill sargeant and often was just as strict and agressive regarding chores - I believe it was too extreme, but as an adult have no bad effects from the experience.

 

But then, I read the rest. This is a very bad experience for your children. I was a single mom before I remarried also. I am lucky to be with someone that shares the same views on child rearing as I do. I say lucky, but it was my priority when I was looking for a partner.

 

The way our daughter's see their mothers treated by men as well as the family dynamic they are exposed to - has a direct affect on not only their own self esteem right now , but will have long term affects as well. His treatment of them will affect who they date, what level of treatment they are comfortable with and what they feel they deserve out of life.

 

Show them that a man like this, behavior like this, is unacceptable and not worthy of them. Even if they do not have a positive male role model right now, or are raised again in a single parent home, getting him out of their lives will go along way in protecting their future choices and their self respect.

[freckles3131]

Having come from a home with sexual, physical and verbal abuse and 3 years of therapy once a week. The verbal abuse was the hardest to get over. Those words stay in your head for an eternity and formed alot of who I am...and I made many,many mistakes because of the damage. I can still hear him to this day...and I am 42 yrs. old.

Get them some therapy asap.