Treated like dirt - how do I get through pain

[Trying to let go]

I stumbled on this board accidentally while surfing the net, looking for a way to express the hurt I was feeling. I looked up old posts in the hopes that I might find some comfort, some light out of the darkness.

 

You see, I was cheated on by my longtime boyfriend. It was so messy, so painful. I was such a mess. I tried to kill myself. That was a few months ago.

 

It is with great hesitation that I write this post, but my need for comfort and solace outweighs my shame and embarassment. My story should be familiar to neo nink, midori and just a girl2 for I am almost certain that I am the ex that another poster wrote about. Long story short: I caught my boyfriend on a date with another woman. He said he would have told me about her but he didn't want to hurt me. I was pregnant. He didn't want the baby. He was only concerned about himself and how his relationship with this other woman would be affected.

 

I remember the look on his face when he said she made him feel safe and secure, but that was over now. He would be with me for the sake of the child. I don't believe in abortion for myself, but I agreed to do it. I loved him so much and I couldn't stand to see him in pain. I ended up losing the baby. I was devastated and I tried to kill myself (D-day). I believed that I had nothing, that I was nothing without this man. I wanted him to be happy. He had told me quite often that every day he was with me he died inside. Those were some of the thoughts I had that day.

 

You know, I felt so guilty over being an obstacle to their romance that I even called her. I told her he was a great guy and that she wouldn't have to worry about me interfering in their relationship. I would be out of the picture. And then I took the pills. Seems so long ago, yet it's still so fresh.

 

I was a mess after that. You know I even left the country for a few months. I'm back now and it's so hard to be here. I keep thinking of him and her. I didn't maintain contact with him while I was away. Though he did call to wish me happy birthday. I never got the message - I didn't think to check my voice mail while I was away.

 

They're very happy together is what I hear. They spend lunches, almost every evening and every single weekend together.

 

I wish I could be just as happy as they were, but it's hard for me to let go. There's a part of me that still wants to be with this man and I don't understand it. I'm pretty sure that whatever I did, whatever need of his I didn't meet, I didn't deserve to be treated the way he treated me.

 

I want to tell you more of my story, but I don't want to waste anymore of your time.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "He had told me quite often that every day he was with me he died inside."

 

Uh, DUH??? He told you often that being with you made him die inside??? How romantic. Don't you think that was your cue, your hint, your mandate to get away from this dude? That was worse than cruel. I'm really sorry but there isn't much advice I can give to somebody who hears that from a guy and who sees him on a date with another girl while you were pregnant with his child he didn't want....and still wants him around.

 

This guy is first class evil. I would think you would be celebrating the end of him. If I were you, I would get a shovel...dig a deep hole somewhere it's convenient, and get everything he ever gave you, every picture, every item you have that's associated with him...and throw it in the hole, burn it (safely) and cover it. Then I would forget him for all time. There are only a few worse guys you will find in your entire life. I hope you don't run into them.

 

I just feel so bad for you...except that you didn't take his hints. My God, if somebody told me they died inside every day they were with me, that would be the last time they would ever see me until the end of time...and it wouldn't hurt me one little bit. What a low class, slimebag, sleezebag worm. Calling him a jerk would be a high compliment.

[Trying to let go]

Tony, thank you for your response. I have shut this man out of my life, but some days it's really tough not to think about him. It's been about three months maybe four since this all happened.

 

I am in therapy trying to heal, trying to get past this. I just wish I could get over the hurt and anger already. I feel like I should be over it by now and be a really big person about it and just forgive, but I am not yet at that place.

 

I have to tell you that I feel like I am a horrible person for being so angry and hoping that karma really does exist and what goes around really does come around.

 

I am not blameless here. I let him treat me the way he treated me because I did not possess the self-respect or self-esteem to tell him that how he treated me was unacceptable. I built my life around him and my sense of self and worth were wrapped up in him. I forgave a lot of things and let them slide because I didn't know any better.

 

It has been a very difficult and trying time. I am trying to rebuild my life. I am trying to regain my sense of self, self-respect and self-esteem.

 

I said that a part of me still wants to be with this man. I don't want to be with this man. I want to be with the man I thought he was. In reality, the man I idealized never existed. It's just hard to shut off feelings when you've been with someone for a really long time.

 

I know my life is better without him. I take things day by day. Some days are tougher than others - like today - and on those days, I just need a bit of encouragement.

 

Again, thanks for listening.

[Trying to let go]

Please help me. I'm so confused right now. I'm a blubbering mess.

 

I went to see my ex yesterday to pick up the rest of my things and it turned into an ugly 4 hour long crying session. I knew it was a mistake to see him, but I went ahead and did it anyway. I haven't seen him for a few months and I wanted to see how he was doing.

 

We were civil to each other at first, but our conversation turned into a rehash of what has since happened. He asked me how I was doing and I told him the truth. I am still very hurt and very angry. I am still feeling a lot of pain not to mention a boatload of issues to deal with. I had even planned on killing myself once I returned home because the pain was too much to bear. But I know now there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to take it a day at a time.

 

I told him I still couldn't understand why he cheated on me and lied to me and still claim to love me. I couldn't understand how he could pick himself, how he could pick his relationship with this woman, how he could pick this woman over the life of his unborn child.

 

I asked him if this was the first time he'd cheated or if he'd done it in the past and I just didn't know about it. He wouldn't answer.

 

I told him I was grateful to him for showing me the truth, now I knew what his true colors were. I told him my life was better without him.

 

He cried and told me that he knew his words didn't mean much, but that he still loved me and that he wished he could take the pain away. He told me that he was just coasting through life and that my wish had come true. I had said to him in a moment of anger that for every single moment of happiness he experienced I wished he would remember what he had done to me.

 

I felt very bad for him. He seemed to feel guilt, maybe remorse, but still he wouldn't acknowledge what he had done. I told him that it would have meant something to me if he did acknowledge what he'd done without me prompting him. He just kept saying he was sorry he hurt me and wished he could take the pain away.

 

I told him that I wished I could believe him when he said he was coasting through life, but how could I when I knew that his life was going swimmingly well. He has a new job - a promotion. A new car. A new girlfriend - the one he cheated on me with - the one who was hiding in his bedroom - the one he's now in love with and spends every waking moment with - they'd just gone on a vacation together in Mexico.

 

He still insisted that his life wasn't all that great. I asked him if he still had dreams. He said no. He just didn't care anymore. He said that he knew he was a horrible person. He was crying and I felt so bad for him. I told him that he had done evil things but that didn't mean he was evil. He could still do something good with his life. I told him that I wasn't yet ready to forgive him, but if it would help him, he had my forgiveness if he wanted it. He said he didn't want it because he didn't deserve it.

 

He told me that he wants me to be happy. And I told him that even though I'm angry with him I still love him and that I want him to be happy too. I want him to be with someone who sees him as God would see him. I want him to be with someone who will love him and accept him for who he is. I want him to be with someone who will inspire him to be a better human being and add to his light. I want him to be with someone who will love him the way he deserves to be loved.

 

This went on for quite a while - we just kept going round the bend. Talking, crying, talking.

 

We got into an argument as I was getting ready to leave. He didn't want to talk about the bad stuff anymore and I didn't want to talk to or see him anymore. I promised him I would leave him be. He didn't want to end things that way. He cried and kept on saying not this way, not this way.

 

I told him that I was vulnerable to him because I still loved him and still wanted to be with him. I just wanted to leave and never see him anymore. He just kept saying not this way.

 

I asked him if it was so important to him to save something of this relationship. He said yes. He wanted to see how I was doing, to make sure I was ok. It was my turn to cry. I just wanted to leave. I told him I didn't think I was strong enough to do this and that it was a mistake that I came over. He just kept crying and said not this way. I just kept crying that I didn't think I was strong enough. Then he got angry and said fine let's just say goodbye. But as I walking towards the door, he hugged me and said not this way.

 

I was just so defeated, I told him that I would keep my promise to leave him be. I just wasn't going to put myself out there anymore and if he really wanted to save something from the relationship he would have to do the work.

 

He said ok, then I'll leave it to you to contact me. I said no. I'm not going to contact you. He said let's give it a month and then I'll call you. I told him I didn't think a month was long enough. He said we'd play it by ear and I said I expect nothing from you, but if you call me I don't think I'd hang up. He said but I would understand if you did.

 

As I walked out, I told him this was against my better judgment and I didn't think it was a good idea. I also told him that I am not nothing. He said I never said you were. And I said that's just how you made me feel.

 

I haven't stopped thinking about any of this since yesterday. I feel like a horrible person.

 

I need help sorting out my thoughts and getting some perspective on this.

 

I feel horrible that he's hurting and I wish I could take his pain away.

 

I feel horrible for putting him through this over and over again. I think I am evil for needing to rehash this with him.

 

I feel horrible for hurting him this way.

 

I feel even worse because I want to believe that he's experiencing just as much pain as I am. I think I am a horrible person for wanting to believe that what goes around comes around.

 

I want to believe that he feels guilt and remorse.

 

I am having a difficult time separating the good guy - the kind and loving man I used to know - from this stranger - a man who asked me to trust him while hiding a woman in his bedroom, the same man who put himself first over the life of his unborn child.

 

I am very vulnerable right now. I just want to do the right thing. I still love this man and there is a part of me that still wants to be with him. I know that time will change that.

 

I am confused by his actions and even more confused by my own reactions.

 

Please help. What's going on here? Could his sentiments be genuine? Or am I being manipulated by someone who doesn't even realize it?

 

We were together for nearly seven years and this has been very difficult for me.

 

Need advice please.

[moimeme]

he hugged me and said not this way.

 

By 'not this way' he means that you should leave in a way that lets him feel comfortable with what he's done. He's guilty - as he should be - and doesn't like it.

 

I feel horrible that he's hurting and I wish I could take his pain away.

 

I feel horrible for putting him through this over and over again. I think I am evil for needing to rehash this with him.

 

 

It's useful to be Catholic. We learn that the only true sign of repentance is never commiting the sin again. He is not remorseful enough to dump the girl and beg you to come back. He didn't have enough guilt to prevent him from cheating on you or to want his own child but now he's guilty? Too little, too late.

 

You are not putting him through it. He chose his path and he put you through it and he has to follow along because that's the consequence he created. You are taking his blame upon yourself. He is at fault, not you.

 

I feel horrible for hurting him this way.

 

I feel even worse because I want to believe that he's experiencing just as much pain as I am. I think I am a horrible person for wanting to believe that what goes around comes around.

 

I want to believe that he feels guilt and remorse.

 

Of course you do. We all feel like fools when people we thought were kind, loving, and decent turn out to be rats. We don't want to have been so dumb that we were bamboozled by them, but that's the truth we have to face.

 

Consider him an addiction. You MUST stay away from him completely. You mustn't think of him - as soon as you start thinking of him, switch your thoughts to work or to someone in your family or your favourite hobby. You have to stay away from him long enough to get him out of your system. People with low self-esteem tend to get very hooked on their partners - you have to be strong and clear him out of your life. Nobody deserves to be treated the way he treated you. In order to ease his guilt, he could pull this routine with you time and again. Don't let him. He chose the action which caused him to feel guilty; guilt is his consequence and it is for him to live with, not you.

[Vivid_29]

Listen - You are lost right now, but you'll find your way. If this man chose another woman over his unborn child, then you have to face the fact that it was never meant to be. Remember that there a plenty of fishes in the sea. Love yourself and find something that you love to do to help you find your way.

 

 

Don't show him your inner feelings because he'll feel that he's got the upper hand on you. Show him that you can move on and be happy. Stand up to him and never let him see that he's got the best of you. Put it behind you and move on.

 

I lost my girlfriend of 2 1/2 years, three weeks ago. I thought my life ended. Rejection is not the best feeling in the world, especially when you know that you were good to that person. After my loss, I held my head high and walked tall and proud because I know that I'm too good a man to dwell on it. I did everything I could to make it work but it didn't turn out as expected. You live and you learn.

 

Don't hang your head down and if you do, don't let him see it. Hold your head high and stand up to him. Show him that you can move on and that you can live without him. Find that inner passion that you enjoy and let time do the rest. Hope this helps -

 

Most Sincerely,

Vivid_29

[Trying to let go]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my posts.

 

It's so hard to think clearly when one's emotions are out of control.

 

You know, this guy was my first everything - first kiss, first date, first love. He was my first and only.

 

I waited until my mid-20s to be with someone because I wanted something/someone special. Nearly seven years later, I feel like I am the biggest fool. I often think I am the dumbest person in the world for being so naive and having such blind trust and faith in people.

 

I am embarassed that things ended up the way they did. I am ashamed and humiliated.

 

How long will it take before I feel human again?

 

Please share your comments/experiences. I would appreciate it.

[Vivid_29]

I don't mean to sound blunt, but after reading your previous posts, it sounds like you have a problem with self esteem. If I am wrong, then I apologize -

 

Here's what I went through - I went to college back in 2001 and met an amazing woman there. We were in the same class and there was an instant attraction between us. At the time, I was 27 and she was 20. Four months later we hooked up and were inseparable. She bartended part time and I got her a job with my company. We practically worked the same shift and then four months later, we moved in together. So as you can see, we went to school together, went to college together, and worked together. We were never apart. Things were going just fabulous with all the time spent together.

 

Then 3 weeks ago, I received the news. She loved me but was not in love. I thought I was going to die. I packed my bags and went to my moms. She said that she needed to find herself and that she needed time alone. As hard as it was, I had to let go. I don't have any ill feelings towards her because she gave me so much in 2 1/2 years then I could ever imagine. I didn't miss out on anything. I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me, because she is a fabulous woman and only deserves the best. It was an experience of a lifetime and it's time to move on with my head held high!!!

 

This was my very vague story -

 

I think I know where we went wrong. I am 29 and she is 22. We are at different stages in our lives. She is still young and wants to have fun while I'm ready to settle down. I respect her feelings and decision because, she's only human. There was a time where I felt like her, so that helped me understand and see things more clearly. One day, she will be ready to settle down. It will be with someone else, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that she is happy and sane...

 

Hope this helps you understand a little bit about me and what I had,

 

Vivid_29

[Iamhappy]

Vivid_29 - you were right. I have an extremely low self-esteem right now. I feel like my whole world's been shattered. I don't know which way is up and I don't feel that I can trust my judgment. I feel like I'm wrong about everything.

 

When all this stuff happened, I just felt like there was something so inherently and fundamentally wrong with me that made this man do the things he did to me. And in a sense, there was. Though he was the one who told me that every day he was with me he died inside, it was me who died. I didn't feel worthy of him and I let him know that. I gave him permission to treat me badly because I thought I was so lucky to be with such great guy. I loved and adored the ground he walked on. I was happy just to be in the same hemisphere.

 

I admire the fact that you have been able to deal with your situation so well, that you are able to wish her happiness. What's more amazing is that you are able to see your time with her as a gift.

 

I hope in time that I too will see this as a valuable lesson.

 

I am scared though that I will never be able to love another human being the way I loved this man. There's a lot of damage here which begs the question "Am I lovable?"

 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am open and trusting. And even in this day and age, I want to believe that there's goodness in everyone. How naive, right?

[princess rose]

Hi:

 

I feel you, girl. I'm going through this same emotional roller-coaster myself, except for the suicidal part. My boyfriend left 3 weeks ago in a very heartless fashion to pursue someone else (You can read the "Ex Drama " thread for details), and I was and still am hurt and angry. The most important thing to understand in situations like these is that these are weak men, and you must feel strong to counteract that. People like the guy you're describing feed off of other people's pain, so they don't have to feel their own. Sick, but true. Every single day, play in your head the statement that your ex told you about dying everyday he was around you. Tell your friends this statement for a good laugh, believe me, it's helped me. Having a circle of support is a godsend. Listen to empowering songs, NOT broken heart songs, but those that make YOU feel better. Go outside, enjoy the sunshine. I'm glad you're in therapy, are you on medication? You sound like you have depression, and that is an illness, just like anything else, that needs consistent treatment. The best of luck to you. Don't let this a***hole rent any more space in your head.

[dudesomewhere]

they say that when things end, no matter how they end...it's always ok to hurt, it's ok to think about the other person and to want them back. The thing is, it's healthy for the brain to go through those processes instead of denials that do nothing more than put those feelings on pause...ready to resume the moment you feel down.

 

That's how I cope...I run through all the good and the bad memories...because it's ok to do so . I do it so often and so furiously that I'm all good soon enough. Blitz the brain. Always think of those who cheat as lesser people...because in fact they are. Lesser people who deserve no ignorance.

 

I try telling my niece that as she grows up. People who pick on you just look at them like a piece of blank paper, they are nothing, they are no good. I grew up with that instinctually and I think it was growing up hard that did it. Never let the ugly people in the world affect your inner being. Growing up having bullies pick on you when you are little and having them run away when you grew up...that was such the obvious turning point for me. And it was nothing more than just growing up...while they didn't.

 

So I extended that into adulthood. The last person I called my gf...when we parted I lamented. Sad part is I wanted to break up or end things the 1st week we knew each other because I felt something was off...but that big heart thing got in the way. My gloom ended though, the day I realized that all this person was before was different now. It was all a lie...so all good feelings were most likely false as well. So I asked myself, should you love or mourn for something that never was? Answer was no. If I loved someone and they passed away I would mourn and maybe do so forever. But if I was betrayed...I might mourn for a little bit, before my logic kicks in and realizes it wasn't real to begin with, than I'm happy again

 

So, nah, there's not goodness in everyone. But there are those few good people still. Just a matter of finding them. And if you can't find them...it's ok to settle for the not so good. Just so long as you don't allow any of them to hurt you...as complicated as that sounds.

 

Do silly things that might help, though they are only silly in certain ways. Do you have any baby relatives? Any 2-5 year olds in your life? Any pets? I love cats. If you do, go spend time with them...marvel at their love and their innocence...but enrapture yourself in their purity. And if you don't have a cat, go get one . I keep my heart still like a child, because when it comes to love and friendship some things don't have to change. Only the ugly people in the world want love, friendship, relationships full of deceit, dishonesty, betrayal...and all that other crap.

[overseas2004]

Please try to remember in the future that seeing accomplished nothing but opened up your old wounds. Got you to feel really really bad and rehashed old hurtful memories.

 

I have always avoided seeing exes especially in the short term. Reason number one.... it hurts like hell.

 

Dont do that to yourself anymore until you are one hundred percent over him.

 

Its a waste of time and it does not help you... as you can see.

 

As far as your self esteem you need to rebuild it. badly....

[Just Visiting]

When I read your posts, I identified with the majority of your thoughts and feelings. My ex cheated on me and he was my first in terms of living with someone. So him being my first, doing all the things cohabitants do.....made the break-up hurt even more. One minute he was there, next minute I find out that he is trying to reconcile with his ex. It is going on a year since I broke up with him after finding out his activities.

 

Looking back over this past year, I thought the same things as you....what is wrong with me?....why didn't he tell me that he wanted out?....how could I have been so foolish in falling for his words?....how could he treat me so poorly? My self-esteem was devastated for quite some time. I shed many many tears, lost a lot of weight, going in circles trying to find a way out of the pain.

 

He is still in my thoughts. And I admit that I miss what we had, but remembering how he went behind my back sobers me up pretty quick. However, that whole experience has taught me that weak men are a dime a dozen. And it is unfortunate that they came into our lives. I am still angry at him for leaving me in a cowardly fashion, but now I realize that it is part of his character. Because I am not the first person he has done this to. I am just thankful that he KNOWS he can't pull his little song & dance over me again....I have become a whole lot stronger since our relationship.

 

So to sum it up, I understand how it hurts to even think or breathe right now. I am glad you are seeking some help. What also helped me was reading books on spirituality, relationships, and self-esteem. If you actively seek ways to heal from this experience, it will only get better. Don't rush the healing though, it will backfire. The pain from my ex has lessened, and now I think it is more of a hurt ego than anything else. I wish you the best.

[will_woman]

Hi..trying to let go,

When I read through your posts, I felt like I am reading flashes of mine. What you have gone through is so much similar to mine. But I really felt so bad about your baby.

 

My husband (going to be ex) chose his new gf of one month old over me (6 year relationship). He even initiated the divorce proceedings. So, you can see how much he love that new girl.

 

When he finally admitted he know the girl and wanted a divorce, my heart was broken. I thought I will never live again. I realy can feel that kind of breathless feeling and the heartaches. Can really feel so much pain within.

 

Same as you. Self-esteem completely smashed by him. NOw, it has been 7 months and I can still feel the pain.

 

You can pm me if you wish to chat further. NOw, you need people to listen to you.

 

Take care...

[judy]

Hi, try to let go:

 

If you still hanging on this site, I wish you can contact me. I had exactly same situation like yours at the early April this year, except more complicated than yours.

 

My ex-boyfriend of 2 years asked to end the relationship, he did not tell me the truth at first, just said he wa snot happy at all. we had a 11 month old son, and at that time I was pregnant of 5 months. Now I know he is already dating some girl from work. He said he can not afford two childsupport, and I also agreed to abort 20 week 4 days pregnancy. I did abotion on APril 2, and packing and moved the next day with the baby (the house is under his name). I moved from a big house to an apartment, and I found out after I moved out a week, his new girl moved into his house (the house we built together, picked everything together including that bed, etc). I feel so betrayed and so lost. Even I thought about suicide, but I have a baby to take care of.

 

He still claims he loves me beyond I understand, but his actions is sleeping with that girl every night and he seems fall in love with her. I am going through tremendous pain and depression now.

 

Can you tell me if you are getting better and how to achieve that goal?

 

Thanks,

Judy

[Iamhappy]

I haven't been to the 'Shack in a long long while. Somewhere along the way, I stopped crying and I started to live again.

 

It's so strange to see my first post from a year ago resurrected.

 

I've had so many ups and downs in the past year. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I care to remember. I didn't know that a heart could feel that much pain or that people whom we love and in turn profess their love for us could be capable of such great cruelty and selfishness.

 

I've had a lot of therapy and medication. And I do mean a LOT. I've had to be ruthless with myself for that is what self-examination requires. I had to figure out why I let myself be involved with someone who was abusive towards me.

 

I had a lot of self-esteem and boundary issues. I was eager to please even if it meant sacrificing myself and my dignity. Knowing that, I understand now that I did not deserve to be treated the way I was treated.

 

What he did, he did out of selfishness and a need to feel better about himself at my expense. Sure, my heart cringed a little when I found out they are now living together, but in the end, I think they deserve each other.

 

Despite telling me how much he loved me, in reality, he loved me only as much as he was capable of. Obviously, he loved himself much much more. If he had truly loved me or felt compassion for me, he would have handled himself differently. In a way, I feel sorry for him. He has to lie to himself just so he can look himself in the mirror. He is not very self-aware at all nor does he have any desire to be.

 

I think time eventually does its job along with therapy and medication. It's also important to keep busy and to surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Most importantly, you must not let this shake or sway your faith in God (or whatever higher power you believe in) and your faith in yourself.

 

I AM happy now. I do feel lonely at times, but I've come to the point where I am okay with that feeling. My life is so much better without him. I am so much better without him.

 

Lastly, I do think that my participation in this site played an instrumental role in helping me get better.

 

Hope this helps,

 

Iamhappy formerly Iamnotnothing

[Tony]

"Lastly, I do think that my participation in this site played an instrumental role in helping me get better. "

 

I know that everyone who is active on the site will be delighted in knowing that their advice and support has helped you in this way. Please stop by more often and thank you for the kind words. It's great to know your situation is improving.

[moimeme]

It's good to see you back, friend! I never knew you were 'trying to let go'! I'm so glad that you are better now Drop me a line - or register!

[beautiful]

You got to be kidding!

 

Why in this workd would you be with a monster like this? I know..................may I recommand that you get some serious help for yourself. You are worth everything on this earth and more. NEVER EVER allow some little man to treat you like this. He is ONLY A MAN for GOD SAKE!

 

This is not about him my dear but all about you. You need some serious help and fast. Please take care of yourself. Keep comming here to write it will help you in some ways. Lean of family and friends and most of all join a CODA group.

 

Good Luck hun!!

[moimeme]

It *really* helps if you read the whole thread instead of only the first post - which was written over a year ago, BTW.

 

[hurtingandconfused]

I AM happy now.

 

I am also happy for you.

[shortbus74]

beautiful.... your post is harsh...........

 

 

Reading is fundamental..................