What marriage means for some men...

[Woggle]

To me marriage is the cherry on top of an already great relationship. Otherwise it is not worth it and most of the time when a man truly loves a woman he will get screwed. When a man truly loves a woman 9 times out of 10 she will punish him with having an affair on him or leaving him because she is bored and not in love anymore. Men have to suppress our emotions with women because if we don't they will use it against us. It's just too much risk these days for a man to fully give his heart to a woman.

[Sks]

The problem with marriages is many people expect them to stay the same, things change but your commitment must be strong enough to stay even after those changes occur.

[JackJack]

I think if people have the mindset that marriage is crap, then it will be crap. If they feel it can be something wonderful and special, then it will.

 

I agree with Sks about the fact that it does change, but so does everything. If people are willing to roll with the punches so to speak, go with the flow of things, changes in life and in people, then things might would go better. I think to it helps, and makes a world of difference when you have two people that are pretty much on the same page about what they want from a marriage. Yes, they will disagree or hit bumps in the road, most people do, but if two are willing to to really work on things, then it can work.

 

As for those who don't want to work on things, you know to much time, engery, blood, sweat and tears , then those are the ones who shouldn't marry, ever. Anything worth having is going to take some work, that is with anything, not just a marriage.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

He said he's not in love anymore but is fine with the monotony of the everyday life.. he said after so many years, you get used to it.

.

 

I just don't get why anyone would resign themselves to a monotonous, dull life. Does your co-worker feel that he is powerless to improve his marriage, or does he truly not care about living out a dull existence?

 

I feel sorry for the idiot, even more so for the poor gal married to this buffoon. She can't be happy with this arrangement, a loveless marriage, a man who is with her out of convenience.

[Lizzie60]

cannot remember for the life of me where I heard this: A woman marries to a specific person for love, while a man marries whomever he's with at the time he realizes, 'Hey, maybe it's time I get married.'

 

that's not to say all men think this way, but I think there's more than a little bit of truth to it, since men are usually the ones to drag their feet when it comes to that kind of commitment, and women grow up dreaming that someday their prince will come!

 

 

Just got up.. I agree.. I've heard it from another FWB.. (millionnaire btw) he said he was looking for a mother for his kids, but he didn't believe in love forever.. he just wanted someone, I guess, to settle with.

[Lizzie60]

As I've said recently - mostly because I'm incredibly pissed off right now - men are mostly cold and calculating. Feelings don't really have that much importance to them. About the only time they put any importance on them is when they're broke or alone - then suddenly love and emotions take precidence over everything else.[/quote]

 

 

hahaha.. and when they want sex!

[EnigmasMuse]

Some men, and women, do just settle for whatever reason, then some do not, there is more to it than just settling for some.

 

There are also some men and women who also settle to not get married and live a life full of bed hopping with no attachements, good for them. Whatever floats ones boat.

[Lizzie60]

Nearly 100 percent of men would jump at the chance to be married, to have someone to love, to have someone to share with, etc., IF there was a guarantee that the relationship wouldn't change dramatically over time. I'd say there are a great many men who are terrified of marriage because there is no way of predicting how a mate will see them later on. People have a way of growing apart, falling out of love...despite all efforts to keep that from happening.

 

Of course, when things go south it affects the man's pocketbook as well. Most men don't mind taking good care of an ex...BUT there's also no way of knowing, in advance of marriage, if this woman you are madly in love with will one day hire a power attorney (and have you pay for him) and take you to the financial cleaners and rub your butt all over the expressway.

 

I don't think mother nature wants men to give the above so much consideration. That's why it's so much better to get married when you're young and not inclined to give it so much thought.

 

I have to disagree.. the younger you are, the less likely you know yourself and know what you want and don't want..

 

Young people DO NOT analyse themselves or their stbpartner.. they just go with the 'feelings' they have at the moment.

 

I think, marriage is like education, when you're young, there is no way you know for sure that's what you want to do with your life. no way.

 

When I see people, in their early 20s, getting married.. I know it won't last, not in this day and age.. no way.. it's way too young.

 

Apparently, I read somewhere, that we change work/career orientation every 5 years or so.. I think it's about the same on the personal level?

[KismetGirl]

Yup, and in that same way that men get married for comfort and stability, they won't leave just because they find someone else that they are more emotionally connected to than their wife. Men NEED that stability, in some ways they seem to crave it more than women sometimes. Men seem all big and strong and confusing with their actions on the outside, but on the inside Im learning they are quite simple....

 

i feel that women are more apt to change things for a "love", if they met someone else they were in love with, than a man. Men feel they can keep that family stability and comfort, while still satiating the emotional side of things outside of the marriage. They don't like conflict, and if avoiding conflict means not addressing all the things that they are missing with their wives, and just finding it somewhere else instead , they'll find it elsewhere. Yes, conflict will arise full and plenty IF the wife finds out, but most of them assume she never will find out if they are careful enough. And since men often associate connectivity with a woman via sex, then this is how they end up expressing it, in a sexual relationship with a woman outside the marraige.

 

My MM could be in love with me ten millions time more than his wife and it would make no difference. He'll never give up his kids, family unit, comfort, house, and reputation with his work and family and friends.

 

Life sucks.

[Lizzie60]

Yup, and in that same way that men get married for comfort and stability, they won't leave just because they find someone else that they are more emotionally connected to than their wife. Men NEED that stability, in some ways they seem to crave it more than women sometimes. Men seem all big and strong and confusing with their actions on the outside, but on the inside Im learning they are quite simple....

 

i feel that women are more apt to change things for a "love", if they met someone else they were in love with, than a man. Men feel they can keep that family stability and comfort, while still satiating the emotional side of things outside of the marriage. They don't like conflict, and if avoiding conflict means not addressing all the things that they are missing with their wives, and just finding it somewhere else instead , they'll find it elsewhere. Yes, conflict will arise full and plenty IF the wife finds out, but most of them assume she never will find out if they are careful enough. And since men often associate connectivity with a woman via sex, then this is how they end up expressing it, in a sexual relationship with a woman outside the marraige.

 

My MM could be in love with me ten millions time more than his wife and it would make no difference. He'll never give up his kids, family unit, comfort, house, and reputation with his work and family and friends.

 

Life sucks.

 

You nailed it.. men (most.. ha-hem) want the stability.. they don't want conflict and they'll go to great lengths to avoid it.. this is soo true.

 

And when you say that they will stay with their W (she's comfort, just like an old slipper ) for their kids.. I've find this statement to be true with most, ha-hem, men..

 

Men want comfort, stability and sex... simple as that.

 

That's why they usually don't leave, they have the comfort and stability at home (this was built over the years).. then they have the sex in and out... (no pun intended ) of their marriage.

 

Most women are different, as you say, they will leave if they can't stand their husband anymore and if they're in love with someone else.

[grogster]

This guy might be sincere, or he might not. He may tell you one thing, Lizzie, and his wife, in-laws and kids quite another. He probably sensed your critical views of marriage, and told you what he believed you wished to hear. He wasn't lying, but I doubt it was the entire emotional truth.

 

Married guys are more complicated than you think--especially the wannabe rebels in the harness.

 

As for divorce, I prefer it. I enjoy the independence. I like living alone and dating when the spirit (or libido) moves me.

 

Most of my marriage was wonderful. I don't regret marrying; I don't regret divorcing.

[Lizzie60]

I should add.. this story about this bus driver.. we had a fling about 3 years ago.. we slept together only once.. (we flirted a lot on the bus, I started it, he was sexy and good looking)... anyway.. I was disappointed in bed.. so I didn't see him again.. I was kind of turn-off from then on.

 

He still calls me every second week or so.. he is now having problems with his wife.. from what I hear, she's a nut case, his daughter (adult) refuses to go there because of her.. (he hasn't seen her in a long time)... anyway.. his W physically abuse him... (that was also a huge turn-off for me.. I see him as a weak person)...

 

He called me yesterday.. long story short... I ask him why he wasn't leaving her (now they're in different rooms).. he won't, eventhough she makes his life miserable... he said he doesn't want conflict, blablabla.. but methink he doesn't want to split his pension plan.. and all their assets..

 

When he called me, about 2 weeks ago... he asked me if I had someone in my life.. I said I was seeing someone.. because I knew he had all those problems with her.. and I know that he won't leave her unless he's got someone else waiting..

 

He's the type of man who will not leave financial stability if he doesn't have to .. he will endure a lot.

[blair08]

I'm not real sure why it even matters.

 

I mean, for someone who is doing exactly what they want to do (which is fine) there seems to be to much trying to figure out or talk about WHY men (mostly) want to marry, don't want to marry, if they are setttling, or really inlove etc, etc.

 

People do what they want for their very own reasons.

[Lizzie60]

This guy might be sincere, or he might not. He may tell you one thing, Lizzie, and his wife, in-laws and kids quite another. He probably sensed your critical views of marriage, and told you what he believed you wished to hear. He wasn't lying, but I doubt it was the entire emotional truth.

 

Married guys are more complicated than you think--especially the wannabe rebels in the harness.

 

As for divorce, I prefer it. I enjoy the independence. I like living alone and dating when the spirit (or libido) moves me.

 

Most of my marriage was wonderful. I don't regret marrying; I don't regret divorcing.

 

No.. I think this guy was honest.. he has no reason to lie about this.. we do not have anything going.. AT ALL.. he's not my type.. and we never ever even 'flirt' or anything like that.. no ... not at all..

 

I know his wife.. not personally though.. I hear other colleagues often 'joke' with him about his wife blablabla... (apparently she's very cold)...

 

Men in general are complicated.. no.. not really.. I think, they're rather easy to read.. some are better at hiding than others.

[The Collector]

You nailed it.. men (most.. ha-hem) want the stability.. they don't want conflict and they'll go to great lengths to avoid it.. this is soo true.

 

You say that like it's a bad thing.

 

The opposite side of the coin is lots of women seek and enjoy conflict. Testing their man, whatever, it gets boring and annoying after a while.

 

On the subject of marriage, I see nowadays many women entering it not out of romantic love as much as some security for the period during which they want to raise children. Men may not care about the wedding day itself, but plenty have romantic ideas about staying together through thick and thin, and it hits many of them hard when what they thought was love turns out to have been a convenient arrangement to be broken off once they are no longer needed. I'd cite the statistics that women seek the majority of divorces - not because they were being abused or 'taken for granted,' they just fancied something exciting and new.

[norajane]

I'm proud to say that our 12 year old son has a mother and a father who are married to each other and are happy.

 

It saddens me (and sickens me a bit:sick:) when I have to explain to him that some of his friends come from broken homes or that some of his friends come from parents who were never even married.

 

Sorry, just being honest. We have certain values we maintain. And I make no apologies for that.

 

Oh! Touche, you've said your ex husband sucked as a human being and was abusive to you. If you'd had a child (accidents do happen!), you'd have still ended up divorced and then you'd have been a single mom even though your values were still intact. I hope you also tell your son that sometimes broken homes and not marrying baby dadddy is about necessity and facing up to reality, rather than a moral choice.

 

I just don't get why anyone would resign themselves to a monotonous, dull life. Does your co-worker feel that he is powerless to improve his marriage, or does he truly not care about living out a dull existence?

 

I feel sorry for the idiot, even more so for the poor gal married to this buffoon. She can't be happy with this arrangement, a loveless marriage, a man who is with her out of convenience.

 

Is it monotony or routine and comfort and security? Lots of people like routine, and live their lives in routine/monotony whether they are married or not!

 

Not everyone is a firebrand all full of vim and vigor and wanting to climb Mt. Everest or go white water rafting or have sex in public places in their free time. Some just want to raise their little families (and kids REQUIRE routine!), make their home a comfortable secure place, save for the future, and take a family vacation now and then. And BOTH members of the couple are responsible for creating a routine life, not just one person.

 

We don't all live like rock stars nor do we all want to.

[grogster]

No.. I think this guy was honest.. he has no reason to lie about this.. we do not have anything going.. AT ALL.. he's not my type.. and we never ever even 'flirt' or anything like that.. no ... not at all..

 

I know his wife.. not personally though.. I hear other colleagues often 'joke' with him about his wife blablabla... (apparently she's very cold)...

 

Men in general are complicated.. no.. not really.. I think, they're rather easy to read.. some are better at hiding than others.

 

Well, I'll defer to your judgment because you were there and you know men. Being a guy, though, if I wanted to send out a feeler that's how I'd do it. Nothing too obvious; just a mild trashing of the wife and marriage.

 

That's how many married guys usually telegraph their sexual availability to a woman.He not only told you things about marriage that he suspected you wanted to hear, he reduced his marriage to a business partnership.

 

Why would most men do this? To get laid.

[Lizzie60]

You say that like it's a bad thing.

 

The opposite side of the coin is lots of women seek and enjoy conflict. Testing their man, whatever, it gets boring and annoying after a while.

 

On the subject of marriage, I see nowadays many women entering it not out of romantic love as much as some security for the period during which they want to raise children. Men may not care about the wedding day itself, but plenty have romantic ideas about staying together through thick and thin, and it hits many of them hard when what they thought was love turns out to have been a convenient arrangement to be broken off once they are no longer needed. I'd cite the statistics that women seek the majority of divorces - not because they were being abused or 'taken for granted,' they just fancied something exciting and new.

 

Not a bad thing.. it just proved my point..

 

When you say that the majority of women seek divorce not men.. it's exactly what I'm saying.. men do not leave..

 

My first ex was kicked out ... we had an 11 yr A... then he moved with me.. see ... they just don't care about the 'monotony' or even a bad marriage, they just want the financial stability and their kids around..

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Is it monotony or routine and comfort and security? Lots of people like routine, and live their lives in routine/monotony whether they are married or not!

 

Not everyone is a firebrand all full of vim and vigor and wanting to climb Mt. Everest or go white water rafting or have sex in public places in their free time. Some just want to raise their little families (and kids REQUIRE routine!), make their home a comfortable secure place, save for the future, and take a family vacation now and then. And BOTH members of the couple are responsible for creating a routine life, not just one person.

 

We don't all live like rock stars nor do we all want to.

 

No, no, routine is good for families, that's not what I'm saying. I'm taking issue with a guy telling some co-worker that he doesn't love his wife but sticks it out because he's 'used to the monotony'. You can have a routine, safe existence and love your partner, too.

[norajane]

No, no, routine is good for families, that's not what I'm saying. I'm taking issue with a guy telling some co-worker that he doesn't love his wife but sticks it out because he's 'used to the monotony'. You can have a routine, safe existence and love your partner, too.

 

Maybe he's just not good at communicating. I suspect that when he said he doesn't love his wife and is used to the monotony, he probably means he no longer feels that incredible passion he did when they first got together, and their life revolving around their family is routine. He says he sticks it out because he's used to it, but that could very easily mean he's settled into it WITH his wife after they chose to have a family. If there weren't something he appreciated about his life, he probably wouldn't stick with it or would try to change it.

 

Of course, I'm just imagining all that seeing as I have no idea what their life is really like. Maybe it just means he's not getting as much sex as he wants!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Maybe he's just not good at communicating. I suspect that when he said he doesn't love his wife and is used to the monotony, he probably means he no longer feels that incredible passion he did when they first got together, and their life revolving around their family is routine. He says he sticks it out because he's used to it, but that could very easily mean he's settled into it WITH his wife after they chose to have a family. If there weren't something he appreciated about his life, he probably wouldn't stick with it or would try to change it.

 

Of course, I'm just imagining all that seeing as I have no idea what their life is really like. Maybe it just means he's not getting as much sex as he wants!

 

Or maybe he was just hitting on Lizzie, as mentioned earlier.

[Lizzie60]

Maybe he's just not good at communicating. I suspect that when he said he doesn't love his wife and is used to the monotony, he probably means he no longer feels that incredible passion he did when they first got together, and their life revolving around their family is routine. He says he sticks it out because he's used to it, but that could very easily mean he's settled into it WITH his wife after they chose to have a family. If there weren't something he appreciated about his life, he probably wouldn't stick with it or would try to change it.

 

Of course, I'm just imagining all that seeing as I have no idea what their life is really like. Maybe it just means he's not getting as much sex as he wants!

 

Of course.. I'm sure that, at one point, he loved her.. but from what I understood.. women need to be 'in love' with their partner as for the men they don't really need that emotional 'high'.. they will 'settle down' to have kids..

[KismetGirl]

Maybe he's just not good at communicating. I suspect that when he said he doesn't love his wife and is used to the monotony, he probably means he no longer feels that incredible passion he did when they first got together, and their life revolving around their family is routine. He says he sticks it out because he's used to it, but that could very easily mean he's settled into it WITH his wife after they chose to have a family. If there weren't something he appreciated about his life, he probably wouldn't stick with it or would try to change it.

 

Of course, I'm just imagining all that seeing as I have no idea what their life is really like. Maybe it just means he's not getting as much sex as he wants!

 

I think people are underestimating the fear that manymen have of the "unknown". "risking it all for love" is something I have only seen men do in the movies. In real life, the fear of unknown life, and of not being full-time with their children, and of possible financial ruin, are very real, very large concerns that are important enough to keep a man unhappy with his marriage to his wife, no matter how much he would prefer being with another woman. Unfortunately, life is not all about the self, other things factor in, and as any parent will tell you, love for a child ultimately tends to win out, and if you fear that getting a divorce will make it impossible to be that father full time that you want to be, they'll stick it out. However, thats when the affairs and the cheating start in. The very fact that a man is having an affair shows that he is not happy. Some are just incapable of monogamy, but there are many that stayed mongamous for years, trying trying trying to tell themselves that "this is just how it is when you're married" and convincing themselves that once you get married its ok to just lose your identity as an indidivudal, as a sexual being, as a man or woman, and this is BS because a person CAN be both a father or mother, a wife or husband AND an individual AND a sexual being. obviously this is not true or they wouldnt feel a need to stray, but as i said earlier, of all the things i've learned about men over the years, the biggest by far is that they HATE conflict and will do ANYTHING to avoid it, which is the OPPOSITE of women completely, as women seem to bloody love conflict and approaching problems head on. But men, they shy away from it, and further more, if you attack them about something, they retreat emotionally even further.

 

I'm not saying who is at fault when it comes to an affair, but women and men are much different creatures, and in my experience, women (myself included in past relationships) are often very stubborn and don't want to understand why a man is acting a certain way. They only see that they are acting in a way that they don't like, so instead of saying "why is he acting this way" they say "he better act the way I want him to or my way or the highway" etc etc. Relationships need compromise, right? Most couples, in my experience, are quite horrible at that bit, and in my opinion is why most relationships fail. because no one wants to compromise or talk about things in a normal manner.

[Lizzie60]

Once again.. very well said. gosh I wish I could write as well... I have a hard time sometimes.. finding the right words and expressing what I really want to say..

[norajane]

I think people are underestimating the fear that manymen have of the "unknown". "risking it all for love" is something I have only seen men do in the movies. In real life, the fear of unknown life, and of not being full-time with their children, and of possible financial ruin, are very real, very large concerns that are important enough to keep a man unhappy with his marriage to his wife, no matter how much he would prefer being with another woman. Unfortunately, life is not all about the self, other things factor in, and as any parent will tell you, love for a child ultimately tends to win out, and if you fear that getting a divorce will make it impossible to be that father full time that you want to be, they'll stick it out. However, thats when the affairs and the cheating start in. The very fact that a man is having an affair shows that he is not happy. Some are just incapable of monogamy, but there are many that stayed mongamous for years, trying trying trying to tell themselves that "this is just how it is when you're married" and convincing themselves that once you get married its ok to just lose your identity as an indidivudal, as a sexual being, as a man or woman, and this is BS because a person CAN be both a father or mother, a wife or husband AND an individual AND a sexual being. obviously this is not true or they wouldnt feel a need to stray, but as i said earlier, of all the things i've learned about men over the years, the biggest by far is that they HATE conflict and will do ANYTHING to avoid it, which is the OPPOSITE of women completely, as women seem to bloody love conflict and approaching problems head on. But men, they shy away from it, and further more, if you attack them about something, they retreat emotionally even further.

 

I'm not saying who is at fault when it comes to an affair, but women and men are much different creatures, and in my experience, women (myself included in past relationships) are often very stubborn and don't want to understand why a man is acting a certain way. They only see that they are acting in a way that they don't like, so instead of saying "why is he acting this way" they say "he better act the way I want him to or my way or the highway" etc etc. Relationships need compromise, right? Most couples, in my experience, are quite horrible at that bit, and in my opinion is why most relationships fail. because no one wants to compromise or talk about things in a normal manner.

 

I don't know that I agree with that. Maybe some women are like that, but it's always been my view that women are the emotional caretakers of a relationship.