Loving my friend, and waiting for her, is this a joke?

[Siljie]

Hi everybody,

 

I've decided to put up my question here, altho I'm not even sure if there are any real answers to this one. Do reply with your thoughts, they are all welcome.

 

I'm somebody who treasures my friends, and I see friendship as being more sacred than amorous relationships. I realized some time back that I was falling in love with one of my closest friends who happens to be a woman, and I've been wondering why. I have no problems with loving my friends, and with her, it's been this way for as long as I can remember. We've known each other since high school, and it's been 10 years now, and although she left somewhere in the midst to further her education, it's not affected our bond negatively. I would say, in fact, that the time apart to grow up on our own was a really good thing, and when we came together again, it was as if she had never left. It is with even greater joy that I discover, with both of us having matured, we can both connect with each other on all levels like never before, and not with anybody else, at least among all the friends that we have. We don't necessarily agree with each other on every thing but we engage each other on that level, and I know that the regard and esteem is there. She's a great girl, and I won't surprised if there's a queue somewhere inline just becos of her. But why have I fallen in love with her? Why is this happening?

 

I have wondered if it would work out, and if attempting to take our friendship a level up would change the friendship bit. I know her enough to trust that we'll still always be friends no matter what, and if anything, it'll prolly only bring us closer. BAck in high school, I was attracted to her, and during the time she was away, we both had our first and only relationship with other pple. She's single for 3 yrs now, and one of the most important reasons would be becos she believes in "the one", and she'll get into a relationship if she knows it's the one. I've been single for a year now, and I'm enjoying my space tremendously. We spend a lot of time together, relatively speaking. We talk on the phone or message each other everyday. Now that she's working, (and I stress that her job is 24/7), we still get to meet up every week. I really enjoy spending time with her, and being as honest as I can be, I let it be shown, and I'm sure she knows it. But all these don't really matter to me, altho I appreciate her being there, and the sincerity and honesty that we share as friends. She's somebody important to me, whether she's there or not.

 

I'm leaving for my studies in a month's time, and I'll be gone for quite a long time. When I realized that I was looking at her all funny when we're talking, and how I get all happy and spritzy when she calls or when we meet up, I was like, oh ****, I'm in for it, and this time it's deep. Not only is this woman my best friend, literally, I love her enough to want her to be happy, and to not be possessive, or jealous if she got attached. I would feel an ache deep inside if she got herself attached now (and perhaps inthe future even), but I would give anything, anytime, to see her happy. The joy within me just being close friends with this person overflows sometimes. Somehow, I've fallen in love with her as well, and that part of me sees the both of us as a very likely and wonderful possibility. So I plucked up my courage one day, and told her how I felt. She told me that she's always told herself that I would never be a romantic partner. I didn't ask her why then.

 

I guess a part of me figured that she'd say something like that becos of the way she is. I'm not (and I don't want to) jumping to conclusions about how she's feeling about this whole thing. But the whole picture as I see it, doesn't make it look so impossible to me. If anybody asked me what my gut feeling was, I'd say that we're both attracted to each other, afterall, she did say that to be friends, you have to be attracted to each other in the 1st place. That said, perhaps sometimes, love isn't everything. I only want to know why it isn't everything, and if it's not supposed to happen, what's this whole thing for? 10 yrs of friendship, trust, love and respect, and I don't see this as confusion or just a rush.

 

I've not stopped being close to her after that confession. We're still both as honest and genuine, and I think that she's able to accept more of me now that I've shown her more of myself. I believe she can tell that I still have feelings for her, and she's fine with that. I know I will miss her alot when I leave, and I can tell that she's missing me too. Rite now, I'm at that point where I believe this departure would be a litmus test anyway, and whatever the outcome, it's a win-win situation. If we remain just friends, we'll have yet the chance to grow independently again, and if time proves her wrong, I'm happy to wait.

 

What do all of you think? I have gotten her a gift, and it's the most expensive thing I've gotten anybody (ok, not exactly the biggest deal), and I want to hand it to her before I leave. I'm sure it's pretty clear that I'm still in love with her.

 

Any ideas on why all these is happening, and if we aren't happening becos of any reason? Is there a possibility?

[Lily]

LOL this is just like a movie! but any way! i think the reason you are falling in love with her is because when you have a good friend, its really easy to talk to them about problems you have, and thats something that a lot of people look for in a relationship. Sorry i couldn't be of more help.

 

 

 

 

*Lily*

 

[siljie]

Hey Lily,

 

thx for your note! I've to agree with you that it feels like a movie, something along the lines of my best friend's wedding. LOL

[clia]

Well...

 

She told me that she's always told herself that I would never be a romantic partner.

 

I'm unclear on why, after hearing this, you still think love is going to come out of this relationship. She could have many reasons for not wanting you to be a romantic partner, such as not wanting to lose the friendship, or you may in some way, shape, or form do not meet her "checklist" of what she wants in a romantic partner.

 

I'm sure it's very flattering to her to know you have deeper feelings for her. However, she point blank told you she does not see you that way. People do not say that when there is even a 0.1% hope of romance. They say "I never thought of you that way," which leaves the door open for more. They don't say "I will never think of you that way." See the difference?

 

She's not lying to you. I hope I'm wrong and that more comes out of this relationship, but I really think you are safely in the "friend" zone and it is a waste of your time to continue hoping for more.

[siljie]

Hi Clia,

 

thx also for your response. That one sentence from her has been running around my head enough times, trust me, and I in no way doubt her.

I was pretty surprised when she told me that, becos it meant that she contemplated this on her own previously. I feel that perhaps she's got some reasons (like you said) to not want to consider me as a romantic partner.

 

I feel like bashing my head sometimes cos I'm caught inbetween being her friend and my feelings for her. But I in no way want to stop being friends or even retreating. I don't think there's ever a valid reason for that. She's just a raelly great person, and why should I be surprised at myself for falling?

 

I hardly know anymore. I can't just switch off and walk, but I'm not allowing it to pressurize our bond or anythin. I'd still attend her wedding, and give anything to see her happy.

 

I guess with humans, you never really know. I've said and thought stuff like that myself and had a complete change of mind after some time. I only hope if ever anything changes, it'd be real for her. I believe in "the one" too u know.