Pushing my wife away... I've hurt her for 8 years

[Alliistah]

This morning my wife woke up around 5:15am. I got up about 10 minutes later. She went down and made coffee and started to play the game a bit to check out some new clothes she got for her character. I went down and talked to her a bit about some game stuff that she was talking about. I went and took a shower and then turned the TV on in the front room to watch the news a bit. I would never do that before, I would always spend the time on the computer. Pretty much every waking moment of mine was spent on the computer if I didn't have something that I needed to take care of.

 

As the morning when on, she asked me some questions about the game, was talking about some new friends that she's made - she met a couple that she likes to hang out with. I've hung out with them as well and they seem like really nice people. I always make sure that I'm looking at her when she talks to me about something now - she deserves it.

 

Since the dishwasher was full and clean, I decided to take that time and empty it before I left for work instead of spending time on the computer. I did that and again did not say anything to her about doing it - I just did it.

 

When I was out in the kitchen she asked me about my appointment with my Psycologist/councelor. I told her it was tomorrow (Thursday). I also reminded her that my trainer appt at the gym was tonight at 9pm so I would be going to that once the kids were in bed at 8pm.

 

Soon it was time for me to leave to go to work so I went in to say goodbye and she leaned back in her chair to give me a kiss and we have each other a hug and I got a couple of nice kisses as well. She told me to have a good day today and I told her the same. Then as I was walking out of the room to leave she told me that she loved me. I can't say how good that made me feel.

 

As I've said, I full intend on capturing her heart again and I intend on keeping it once I reach my goal. She is a wonderful woman, wife, mother, and friend. I'd be a complete idiot to lose such a spectacular person for something like too much computer time.

 

-Alli

[dannydrifter]

Doesn't sound like your wife is going to leave you, and actually your situation sounds pretty good. Just be a good husband, show affection to your wife, do things together and you will not have any problems. Don't get insecure and too jealous... your wife is with you she hasn't left you!! Just be a good man and father, that's all you need

 

Oh and btw -- now that your wife hangs out on the computer a lot, do you see how she felt when u were doing it all the time? Trust me, I'm guilty of the same thing.

[Alliistah]

Thanks for the kind words. I'm working very hard at making the things I'm doing in my life that seem ususual to usual - making habits out of them so they just come naturally. I appreciate your opinion - it helps me actually realize that I really am on the right track and to keep it up.

 

Thanks again,

 

-Alli

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm thinking that if my wife is doing something, do NOT offer to do it for her

Any comments on this?

 

Yep!!!

 

So, what if you had pulled up a chair or two, or made the two of you something a cold drink, and JOINED her in watching the kids, had a chat about nothing inparticular?

[Alliistah]

I think that is a great idea. But I need to get her to the point where she would enjoy that. Right now she's in a place where she wants some time alone and some space. She's been locked up with kids and myself for 8 years and so I intend on giving her that space when she needs it.

 

I think this is a sensitive thing at the moment. I need to show her I respect her quiet time but also show her at times that I want to sit with her and talk about nothing inparticular like you mentioned. As soon as things ease up a bit and she is starting to seem more happy more often I think things like this will be a welcome thing to her. Right now she's wanting to find herself again and she needs a little space to do that.

 

For example last night when she was playing, the couple that she plays with had something for me so they asked her if I was going to log on so she could give it to me. I logged in and chatted with my wife and them for a bit. After the conversation died down a bit I logged off and went out in the front room to watch TV. The purpose of this was to show my wife that just because I get invited into the group she's working with in the game doesn't mean that I'll be attached to her hip in-game for the rest of the evening. I think everything is about balance and since I haven't know much of that I need to pay close attention to it until I'm good at it and it becomes natural.

 

Do you agree with my point of view?

[Alliistah]

Today I seen a Psycologist for the first time. The basic message was that I need to calm down and I need to do the things for my family and know that these are the things that a good father does. I need to learn to be comfortable with knowing that I AM doing the right things. I just need to be calm, collected, and just do it. The Phsycologist said that she really feels my wife is giving me time to make the changes that I need to make. She also said that I cannot look for validation from her. She has already given enough and that would just put extra weight on her. She wants to see me be a father and a husband, not someone else she has to take care of - which is kind of the way it's been in the past.

 

This week it is my goal to not seek any validation from her and to continue to do the things that I'm doing. If I see something that needs to be done around the house, just do it and take care of it. It's also important to not go around the house searching high and low for something to do. I just need to relax and be a great father and great husband.

 

I will accomplish this. I can feel it.

[Alliistah]

I wanted to give an update that I think is a good one. When I came home last night things were good, she was talking to me about the game and was happy and all that. I spent the time when I got home until the kids went to bed with the kids out in the front room. I then got the kids into bed and after that I started to play the game around 8:10pm. We both played a bit and then she was getting tired so she wanted to log off. She logged off and stood up next to me to give me a kiss goodnight. I hugged her around the waist and she hugged me. Then she put her head down and we kissed. It was really nice and it went to more than a closed mouth kiss. I didn't do this or force this in any way, it just happened and it was very slow. Then after we looked at each other in each other eyes and we both smiled at each other. Then she said Thank you.

 

This was wonderful. She wouldn't ever have done that if I wasn't moving on the right track. I need to remember this stuff and use this to fuel myself to keep going on the right track that I'm on. I know I have a long road ahead of me and that is ok but it is wonderful to get these kinds of "silent" feedback from her.

 

Anyways, this was great progress for myself and it really helps me to become more happy every day. I'll keep updating as I get more info.

 

-Alli

[Alliistah]

Another thing that I would like to share with everyone is that something my Psycologist said to me. She said that if my wife gives me physical attention with hugs/kisses or of the like that it is possible for her to shun me the next day. She said that I just need to be patient and keep doing the things that I'm doing.

 

I'm glad I heard this because if someone isn't aware of this - it could really throw someones head for a spin not knowing what the hell is going on. This is kind of how it is right now. One day is pretty good, then the next it's just ok and I'm not sure whats going on. I'm just going to continue doing what I'm doing. <sigh> It's going to be such a long road for me. I'm going to tackle it one day at a time.

 

-Alli

[Alliistah]

Today was the saddest day of my life. My wife and I talked and a lot of things came out today. She says she is not in love with me and this has been the case for a very long time. She says that she still loves me as the father of her children and a good protector of a husband I have been, but she is not in love with me anymore and has not been for a long time. She is deeply hurt. I hurt her and let her down for a long time.

 

I needed to find out about my boundries. I asked her if she wanted me to leave. She said no. I asked her if she didn't want me to hug/kiss her and she said that was ok - it is ok to still hug and kiss her. She doesn't hate me by any means. She still wears her wedding ring. She wants things to be normal for our kids until we can figure out what we are going to do. She said all the doors are open right now, divorce, splitting up, working it out, everything. I asked her to confirm that working it out was an option for her and she said yes. I told her that we need to work on being friends again and that was the first step. She agreed. I asked her if date night was out of the question and she said that was a good idea. I said a good idea to do it or not to do it? She said that we should do it and not every 1-3 days - maybe once every 2 weeks. I asked her about the more passionate kisses that she has given me in the past week and she said she did it to see if there was any feelings there. I asked her if there was any feelings. She said it was just a kiss and that was it.

 

Our mortgage is upsidedown. We put 20% down and the housing prices have gone so low that our 20% is gone plus another $70k. We can't sell if we wanted to.

 

I'm not going to give up but I really think that I've done so much damage over the past number of years that I don't know if I can ever recover it. She is deeply hurt. The only positive things I have at this point are that she doesn't want me to leave, said it was ok to hug and kiss her, and that date night was a good idea to her.

 

I have to be honest, this is very hard for me to know that she is half way out the door and yet I have to stay here and act normal. My heart is completely broken - I'm devistated. I'm somewhat of a sensitive guy and this is heartwrenching to me. It is 2:49am and I cannot sleep. I have lost about 13 pounds already.

 

I know what I need to do but at the same time I feel like I don't know what to do. All I can do is be the best father and husand I can and see where the cards fall. I think since my mortgage is in the red that this is an ally at the moment and it will buy me time to show her that I can be the person that I should have been all along.

 

:'-(

 

-Alli

[signedin2008]

I think your stay at home wife is having an affair, at least an emotional affair. Has she been talking to any male "friend" on the internet? Is she has, there is your answer.

[Alliistah]

Yes she has, she talks to a lot of guys in the game that we both play and she stays up late at night coming to bed around 11pm-2am.

[imagine]

Hey Al,

 

Revisit my previous posts.

 

I don't want to be right to boost my ego. I would rather be completely off the mark and let you believe things are going to get better the way you are moving.

 

There is a **** load that you still have to learn. And things CAN become fabulous.

 

Start reading those articles, especially now "Surviving an Affair".

 

Do it!

[Alliistah]

Which articles? Can you point me in the right direction?

[lonelyandfrustrated]

http://www.marriagebuilders.com

[Alliistah]

Yesterday morning was pretty rough on me. I had been up most of the night soaking in what she had said to me the day before. I got up early and went to a church around 6am. Of course I left a note for my wife and kids telling them I would be back later. I didn't say where I was going I just said I would be back later. To be honest I didn't know where I was going to end up. There I found someone that was with the church and they helped me pray for my family. Then I drove to my Moms house and spent some time with her. On the way home I stopped by my wifes Moms house and talked with her a bit. I asked her if she would watch the kids for us on our date nights. She said she would be happy to.

 

When I came home my wife asked where I went and I told her. She asked if church made me feel better and I said yes. Then I spent a lot of the day reading a book called Divorce Busting which I am really liking. In the middle of that, I did some chores around the house. If I seen that it needed to be done I just did it.

 

This is where things get a little cloudy for me. I emptied the trashes around the house, cleaned both cat boxes, and did a quick vacuum around downstairs. I also knew that our sheets on our bed needed to be changed so I just did it and re-made the bed. When I changed the sheets, I flipped the matress as well. This is where my wife got irritated with me because supposedly we had just flipped it not too long ago. It seems like she didn't appreciate anything I did and only focused on the irritation of me flipping the mattress.

 

You see, my wife is stubborn. She knows this and admits it herself when she finally breaks down. I think she is having a hard time swallowing the fact that I've changed. I'm guessing that she thinks this is just a horse and pony show and that as soon as she yields things will fall back to what they were. I don't know this for sure, but it is a guess at this point. I do not plan on going back to the person I was in the past so I think she will get used to it at some point and accept what I do around here and maybe even start to enjoy/embrace it. I am a bit concerned though about her playing the game still - I think it is clouding her mind and not allowing herself to see and think about the changes that I've made. All I can do at this point is keep up the good work and pray that I can pull this out of the fire.

 

My Psycologist said that there might be times where she will "shun" me. I don't know why but I'm wondering if this is it. Is this just a part of the healing process? What do you people think about what I'm doing and the reactions I'm getting from her?

 

-Alli

[signedin2008]

You cannot start to heal your marriage if there are other men involved, especially if they are meeting your wife's emotional needs.

 

Can you find out if she is having an emotional affair with one or more of these men on the internet?

[lkjh]

You need to ask your wife to lay off the games and her new "friends" while you tow try an sort this out. She has met with them in real life and this is a red flag. Good luck

[Alliistah]

She has not met them in real life. These people are states away, some are in other countries.

 

How do I get her to stop playing the game so much without being the bad guy who in her eyes is "trying to pull her away from her fun and not allow her to have a good time".

 

This morning when she got up to make coffee I asked her how her playing went last night and she was excited to tell me about what she did and the progress she made on her character. I was standing in the kitchen while she walked around the kitchen and she walked up to me and put her arms around me and gave me a kiss. That was nice - she didn't have to do that. I also woke her up this morning - a very nice way that I used to do every day. I would lean over her and hug her and scratch her back if she was on her side. She put her arms around me and scratched mine as well and touched my cool wet hair - shes told me she really likes how it feels.

 

Do you guys think that if a women was emotionally set on someone else that she would do stuff like that to her husband? I would think that if she was really emotionally checked out and into someone else that all the affection to me would stop. Since she said that she doesn't want me to stop hugging and kissing her and that she does want to have date nights with me that she still wants things to work out. I do know my wife and she is a really compassionate person and I really think she is just having a lot of fun in the game. Even in the letter that she sent to that one guy, she said "I'm not being bad or anything, I'm just having a lot of fun playing."

 

Thanks for the comments on this one, please keep them coming. I'm curious to know what other women think about the topic above where if she was emotionally into someone else that if she would still do those things with me or not. I know you guys don't know my wife but in general how do women act in this situation.

 

-Alli

[imagine]

Firstly, did you install that keylogger yet?

 

Secondly, her behaviour can be compensatory for her withdrawal from the relationship.

 

Thirdly, you are still acting far too needy.

 

Fourthly, divorcebusters is good. But you'll need to check out marriage builders. Follow Lonelyandf's link and see "Articles". Articles like... "Why women leave men" for instance...

[lkjh]

Sometmes when people are in an EA they still act married and happy. Why don't you tell her that you feel the game is coming between you two; then see if she is willing to take a break from it and her online friends to work on the relationship.