Okay I have to ask, I am just this naive.

[marriedandsad]

I've read several posts here and on another site. about 95% of the time the OM/OW is declaring how awful the BS is and how their MM/MW is miserable. My question is, if the BS is awful, why would the MM/MW stay married to them? How many times does the MM/MW start giving excuses for their affair and seem to justify it? I understand the need for commitment, or if there are children involved, it makes it super complicated.

 

I am just very curious how many OM/OW are told how awful the BS is and how the MM/MW is really a victim in need of consolation. And how many times out of the total, it is really indeed true and the MM/MW really is the victim. Have any OM/OW actually met the BS and discovered that the BS is really a very kind person who has no clue about the affair and doesn't deserve what is being done? I got cheated on by an ex-bf, I met the other woman, we became best friends and she kicked him to the curb when she met me. She thought I was one of the nicest women she had ever met and couldn't believe the nasty stories the ex had told her. Has that happened to any of you?

 

Any ideas?

[You'reasian]

Seems very complicated.

 

Its good practice to stay away from those whom are married, appear to be married or haven't gotten over the fallout from a marriage. They need time to heal if they are not married and you need the time to find someone whom is fully ready.

[KismetGirl]

Lots of MM's probably do feed this story to their OW's to keep them around, feeling sorry, pity sex, who knows

 

My MM has never said anything bad about his W. He has admitted in the beginning before we hooked up, that there was no "spark" between them, which implies to me that while he cares for her, he doesn't really view her in a romantic-sexual way. He views her as a mother, wife, caretaker , friend, etc

 

And I've said this before, and I'll say it again- do not underestimate a man's need for comfort and stability, ESPECIALLY when children are involved. Most men will stay with a woman they are not in love with to maintain their family unit, their financial stability, and thir sense of daily comfort and etc in lieu of a divorce, which would cause alot of tumult and dissaray and part-time fatherhood and financial duress. It doesn't matter if they met another woman that they were better emotionally connected with- the problems and discomfort brought on by divorce, not to mention the dissapproval by family , friends and peers, would make most men stay in their marriages.

 

I don't believe that most MM's HATE their wives. Most people are not horrid human beings (usually). In cases where the woman is really a witch, it might be easier for the guy to leave the marriage or not feel as guilty about cheating, but I think the usual case is simple that they (MM) find themeselves in a marraige to a woman that they don't really have strong feelings for, who is otherwise a decent wife and good mother and so the husband doesn't want to upset the balance by leaving his life, and so ends up cheating on her to get that "missing spark" he craves. Which is, essentially, the situation Im in.

 

I , with 99% certainty, know my MM will never leave his wife, least of all when his children are all very young. He's never cheated on her with anyone but me in their 7 year marriage. He doesn't hate her, he gets along with her, they are both very involved parents. He works, she stays home, they have a house he works two jobs to pay for, and he isn't planning on making his life more difficult and not being there full time with his kids anytime soon, no matter how strong a connection he and I share. It's just life.

 

I am willing to risk taking on a man with tons of baggage if it meant giving true love a shot. Most men aren't willing to make that risk. They need that stability and are afraid to try the "unknown" in favour of upsetting their whole life.

 

My dad ended up marrying his OW, go figure. But I think it's mostly because my mom was aware of the affair and wanted the divorce , so rather than going to singledom, my dad married his OW. But unless the W finds out, most men won't initiate a break up or D on their own unless it's forced on them.

[angie2443]

There are three sides to every story; your's, mine, and the truth which is usually in the middle. Unless people bug a room, then no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It's that simple.

[marriedandsad]

Kismet that makes perfect sense to me. My dad had an OW for several years while married to my mother. My mom has her issues, but she worked very hard for the family and sacrificed a LOT for my sister and me. The OW is an absolute witch. She looks like a troll (I'm serious there) and he dumped my sister and me for a free life with the OW. I have NEVER forgiven him for that. He barely contacted us, fought paying child support. He claimed he couldn't afford child support, yet he lived in a house with a pool and his wife stayed home. My mom had to move us into a subsidized apartment. My sister and me went to visit them ONCE. I was 9 and my sister was 14. We spent the first night at their house and she proceeded to act like she was my mother. When I would have none of that, they dumped us off at his parents for the rest of the week. I heard from him exactly 3 times between then and when I turned 18. He doesn't understand why now I want nothing to do with them.

 

I guess I can see where a man would stay in a loveless marriage because he's comfortable and not unhappy. But I still wonder if anybody ever thinks how unfair it is to everyone around them? *shrug*

[marriedandsad]

There are three sides to every story; your's, mine, and the truth which is usually in the middle. Unless people bug a room, then no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. It's that simple.

 

ROFL Angie!!! I've told people that before, there is their side, the other person's side, then somewhere in the middle there, the truth. I've heard a judge say that as well and it cracked me up.

[GPFan]

Any ideas?

This is one of the oldest jokes around and has been immortalised in cartoons since the cartooning was made popular.

 

The image of a married man explaining to a woman, "my wife doesn't understand me..."

 

Many decades and, really, nothing has changed.

[loveORlogic]

Lots of MM's probably do feed this story to their OW's to keep them around, feeling sorry, pity sex, who knows

 

My MM has never said anything bad about his W. He has admitted in the beginning before we hooked up, that there was no "spark" between them, which implies to me that while he cares for her, he doesn't really view her in a romantic-sexual way. He views her as a mother, wife, caretaker , friend, etc

 

How is that different than anything else the MM´s say about their wife?

Your MM just haves a different approach for the same end, less

aggressive but still he is cheating. And let me take this chance to also say, that i see that some OW say that its not their reponsability the fact their MMs are cheating, that they have nothing to do with their Wifes and kids etc... but this is wrong, these MMs are not alone in the affair, the OW is to blame aswell, if they werent there this MMs would not be cheating.

 

 

I wont ever accept cheating as a solution, its not a solution!, its a problem!.

 

A bad marriage is never the responsibility of only one of the partners.

[Reggie]

This modus operandi is not confined to cheating men. Cheating women seem to go the "neglected", "abusive", "workaholic", "controller" route in their characterizations. OM and OW buy this because it is what they want to hear. It allows them to justify their actions, playing savior or comforter.

My XW , I am sure, fed her OM plenty of lies. I say this because she fed me this stuff about her ex's and I know them to be good guys. I also know that my XW has a history of lying about all types of stuff.

In any case, I could see the bewilderment setting in for the Om as he saw my wife's parents inviting me on vacations and for dinners and breakfast each week after the divorce. And, I'm sure he was mystified to see my kids devotion to me and rejection of him. He found that no one in my XW's family wanted anything to do with him and thought he was the scumbag which he is.

Bottom line, taking the word of someone you know to be lying already re the character of her or his spouse is very naive.

[Lizzie60]

I've read several posts here and on another site. about 95% of the time the OM/OW is declaring how awful the BS is and how their MM/MW is miserable. My question is, if the BS is awful, why would the MM/MW stay married to them? How many times does the MM/MW start giving excuses for their affair and seem to justify it? I understand the need for commitment, or if there are children involved, it makes it super complicated.

 

I am just very curious how many OM/OW are told how awful the BS is and how the MM/MW is really a victim in need of consolation. And how many times out of the total, it is really indeed true and the MM/MW really is the victim. Have any OM/OW actually met the BS and discovered that the BS is really a very kind person who has no clue about the affair and doesn't deserve what is being done? I got cheated on by an ex-bf, I met the other woman, we became best friends and she kicked him to the curb when she met me. She thought I was one of the nicest women she had ever met and couldn't believe the nasty stories the ex had told her. Has that happened to any of you?

 

Any ideas?

 

In many cases, it is true.. and I have no reason not to believe my MMs.. For example.. this bus driver.. he's still with his wife.. We had many many conversations about her.. she IS a nut case.. they've been married for maybe 10 years now.. she's his second wife.. he has a daughter from the first marriage (adult child)...

 

His current W beats him up.. she swears, etc.. she's a low-class b*tch.. when he told me all this.. everything changed.. I didn't see him the same way..

 

I asked him why he was putting up with such a witch.. his daughter now refuses to go there.. he answered that he didn't want confrontation, blablabla... that he was willing to close his eyes on a lot of things.. the reality is, IMO, he's just doesn't want to give her her half (they have a house, cars, etc.

 

Now I see him as a weak person.. that turned me off.. He constantly 'hint' on seeing me again.. yeah right... I have no patience for women or men who endure those abusers and are too 'weak' to leave them.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I was involved with a MM 20 years ago who told me that he was divorced. I found out that was untrue when confronted by his wife in a parking lot after he dropped me back at my car. So mine told me she wasn't even around anymore, didn't feel the need to trash her. LOL. Jerk.

 

I wouldn't believe a word that came out of a known liar's mouth.

 

I also don't understand why women cheat. If one man is lousy, wouldn't two of them be twice as bad?

[MizzBlue72]

My opinion? I think that most MM/MW will even turn the best spouse / relationship into we are having problems, almost divorced, no sex, etc. to get sex from the OW / OM. Not sure if this is true in all cases, but could be.

[FotoGrl]

My MM has never said anything bad about his W. He has admitted in the beginning before we hooked up, that there was no "spark" between them, which implies to me that while he cares for her, he doesn't really view her in a romantic-sexual way. He views her as a mother, wife, caretaker , friend, etc

This is my situation with both of my MMs. They both have been married a good long while, have children, do truly care about their wives, but are missing things in their relationships that they know are not going to change, ever, and that I am able to provide for them. It's a combination of sex, communication, and companionship without demand.

 

My situation is probably different from that of many here. I'm comfortable being the OW. I'm poly and prefer a relationship where I'm a 2nd. I like the freedom it provides. And by 2nd-ing in two separate relationships (and yes, they each know about - and have met - the other), I tend to not have those feelings of being abandoned when one or the other of them is tied up with family.

 

I know that both of my guys will never leave their wives and I am happy with that. I don't want them to. I love both of them, but I don't want to be married to either of them, nor do I want to be involved in their day-to-day minutae of their lives.

 

Perhaps someday I'll find someone who is unattached who will make me want to move on. Perhaps either of them will someday want to move on. When the time comes, we'll see what happens.

[Can'tGiveUp]

 

I wont ever accept cheating as a solution, its not a solution!, its a problem!.

 

A bad marriage is never the responsibility of only one of the partners.

 

I believe that an A is a symptom of a problem in a marriage. Rarely will a person cheat unless there is a problem at home. Not that I believe that cheating is the answer to any problem.

 

My MM has never said that his W is awful. His M is lifeless though. He is now, of his own accord, deciding whether to leave or not.

 

I don't know about others, but when I made the decision to end my M it was a very difficult thing to do. The financial impact, the effect on kids, the wider impact on extended family. All of those were considerations and the decision process was long - years if I am honest. And I didn't have the added pressure of an A to throw into the process.

 

As for the negative comments regarding the BS, some of that may just stem from interpretations of the situation and not what is said directly by the MM/MW. I have certain negative beliefs about the BS...but they come from what I know of her and her actions...not what he has said about her.

[agate]

My mm has never said anything bad about his w. i don't think she seems like a very caring woman though, not because of what he has said, but through other sources and meeting her myself. However, i don't live with them so don't know how things trully are. I believe that is is also partially responsible for making sure his w doesn't get hurt by finding out about us, he more so than I, but I also need to make sure i do not do anything to cause her to find out about us.

[KismetGirl]

How is that different than anything else the MM´s say about their wife?

Your MM just haves a different approach for the same end, less

aggressive but still he is cheating. And let me take this chance to also say, that i see that some OW say that its not their reponsability the fact their MMs are cheating, that they have nothing to do with their Wifes and kids etc... but this is wrong, these MMs are not alone in the affair, the OW is to blame aswell, if they werent there this MMs would not be cheating.

 

It's different because the OP asked why everyone says MM say negative things about their wives. My MM has NEVER said a bad thing ABOUT HIS WIFE. He expressed, BEFORE me and him even ot close to hooking up, that his marriage and his relationship with his wife was lacking a spark or any kind of emotional or romantic connection. This has nothing bad to do with the wife, it just means that despite her being a kind woman, a good person and a wonderful mother, that MM and her have no romantic connection and never did. He freely admits that he married her because he wanted to settle down and wanted stability and was tired of dating around and she felt like she'd make a good home so he married her without considering that this lack of spark would eventually be a problem, which it obviously has become or he wouldnt have entered into an affair with me. He never tried to tell me things to get me into bed or anything along those lines. He kissed me first one night, yes, but it took three years before we slept together, it was msotly just stolen kisses and fooling around because he felt too guilty to bring the affair to a full physical level. HE was the one who help back on the physical part, but obviously it's not just sex he's missing at home because the first couple years of our affair was mostly an emotional one with some limited kissing and touching, etc. I think the OP was originally asking about MM's that say their W is a bitch or a with or a bad person or that they fight alot or they don't get along. My MM has never said a bad word about his W, he doesn't dislike her, he just has no romantic inclinations towards her.

 

I wont ever accept cheating as a solution, its not a solution!, its a problem!.

 

A bad marriage is never the responsibility of only one of the partners.

 

 

A bad marriage is the fault of both partners, and usually it is a result of bad communication between the two partners. One or both partners is missing something, and one or both of them is incapable of properly addresisng it. When my MM's wife found out some suspicious things that he might be cheating on her, they got inot a big fight and I gave him a full year of NC to work on his marriage because he told me they had decided that they had alot of thins they needed to talk about that they had been avoiding. A year later and he came back to me, again, even after fearing his wife would leave him and take his children if she found out again. And Im guessing, that a lack of communication and willingness to work on these missing things in their marriage is the blame. Im not blaming him OR her, I am blaming both of them. There is no such thing as a marriage that continues to stay together despite it being problematic, and only having one person to blame. Aside from a situation in which one person is physically abusive or something, generally both partners are to blame. Alot of the time men and women expect different things out of the marriage, and neither wants to try and see it the other's POV. Compromise, comromise, compromise.....the most important thing in a marriage along with communication, and normally the reason a marriage fails. Because no one wants to compromise.

 

Cheating is not a solution, but it IS a symptom of a bad marriage, whether people want to acknowledge it or not. In my case, MM and wife acknowledged it briefly, but never followed through to fix it.

[girlwithglasses]

I've read several posts here and on another site. about 95% of the time the OM/OW is declaring how awful the BS is and how their MM/MW is miserable. My question is, if the BS is awful, why would the MM/MW stay married to them? How many times does the MM/MW start giving excuses for their affair and seem to justify it? I understand the need for commitment, or if there are children involved, it makes it super complicated.

 

I am just very curious how many OM/OW are told how awful the BS is and how the MM/MW is really a victim in need of consolation. And how many times out of the total, it is really indeed true and the MM/MW really is the victim. Have any OM/OW actually met the BS and discovered that the BS is really a very kind person who has no clue about the affair and doesn't deserve what is being done? I got cheated on by an ex-bf, I met the other woman, we became best friends and she kicked him to the curb when she met me. She thought I was one of the nicest women she had ever met and couldn't believe the nasty stories the ex had told her. Has that happened to any of you?

 

Any ideas?

 

First of all, I'm sorry your xbf cheated on you.

 

To answer your questions:

 

He stayed married because he had untreated depression. He finally sought treatment and, when he got healthy enough, he found the courage and the strength to walk away from that verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.

 

I have met his XW and she is a nightmare. She is one of the most foul people I have ever met. Nasty, lazy, viciously mean, racist, violent and a drunk. I also suspect she has an untreated psychiatric disorder.

[marriedandsad]

Thank you for all the kind responses! I just wonder about the mechanics. I admit I was involved with a MM before I met my dh. BUT he had said he was getting a divorce and they weren't together. Imagine my surprise when she came flying out and beat on my window one night when I dropped him off. After that I said "Unless they can SHOW me the divorce papers, I will never ever ever ever get involved another man who claims to be either divorced or getting divorced". They are still married. End of story for me.

 

I just see so many people having affairs nowadays. It makes me wonder if the sanctity of marriage is too strict in a way. Like they are so afraid of "breaking" their vows that they have an affair and think that alone doesn't break any vows. I try to not pass judgment on people. I've been thinking of writing an article on affairs and the mechanics behind them. I've even considered anonymously interviewing people involved in affairs and getting the good and bad side.

[OWoman]

He stayed married because he had untreated depression. He finally sought treatment and, when he got healthy enough, he found the courage and the strength to walk away from that verbally and emotionally abusive relationship.

 

I have met his XW and she is a nightmare. She is one of the most foul people I have ever met. Nasty, lazy, viciously mean, racist, violent and a drunk. I also suspect she has an untreated psychiatric disorder.

 

 

Similar story here.

 

Like some of the others, my MM never said a bad word about his W. Despite everything.

 

We spent a day with his extended family today which involved some old photographs changing hands (following a death in the family). There were some old snaps of MM and BW from the early days. Because his kids were around, no one said anything about her, but there was a sharp intake of breath each time she appeared in a photo and the photo was quickly tossed into a box - while others were lingered over and discussed at length. I have yet to meet her - hope I never do, but I doubt life will be that kind - but consensus is she's real toxic waste.

[loveORlogic]

I believe that an A is a symptom of a problem in a marriage. Rarely will a person cheat unless there is a problem at home. Not that I believe that cheating is the answer to any problem.

 

My MM has never said that his W is awful. His M is lifeless though. He is now, of his own accord, deciding whether to leave or not.

 

I don't know about others, but when I made the decision to end my M it was a very difficult thing to do. The financial impact, the effect on kids, the wider impact on extended family. All of those were considerations and the decision process was long - years if I am honest. And I didn't have the added pressure of an A to throw into the process.

 

As for the negative comments regarding the BS, some of that may just stem from interpretations of the situation and not what is said directly by the MM/MW. I have certain negative beliefs about the BS...but they come from what I know of her and her actions...not what he has said about her.

 

Are you trying to find a excuse for cheating?

[loveORlogic]

My mm has never said anything bad about his w. i don't think she seems like a very caring woman though, not because of what he has said, but through other sources and meeting her myself. However, i don't live with them so don't know how things trully are. I believe that is is also partially responsible for making sure his w doesn't get hurt by finding out about us, he more so than I, but I also need to make sure i do not do anything to cause her to find out about us.

 

 

If you were actually worried about your MM W feelings, you would end the affair.

You are responsable you know that right?

[loveORlogic]

It's different because the OP asked why everyone says MM say negative things about their wives. My MM has NEVER said a bad thing ABOUT HIS WIFE. He expressed, BEFORE me and him even ot close to hooking up, that his marriage and his relationship with his wife was lacking a spark or any kind of emotional or romantic connection. This has nothing bad to do with the wife, it just means that despite her being a kind woman, a good person and a wonderful mother, that MM and her have no romantic connection and never did. He freely admits that he married her because he wanted to settle down and wanted stability and was tired of dating around and she felt like she'd make a good home so he married her without considering that this lack of spark would eventually be a problem, which it obviously has become or he wouldnt have entered into an affair with me. He never tried to tell me things to get me into bed or anything along those lines. He kissed me first one night, yes, but it took three years before we slept together, it was msotly just stolen kisses and fooling around because he felt too guilty to bring the affair to a full physical level. HE was the one who help back on the physical part, but obviously it's not just sex he's missing at home because the first couple years of our affair was mostly an emotional one with some limited kissing and touching, etc. I think the OP was originally asking about MM's that say their W is a bitch or a with or a bad person or that they fight alot or they don't get along. My MM has never said a bad word about his W, he doesn't dislike her, he just has no romantic inclinations towards her.

 

 

 

 

A bad marriage is the fault of both partners, and usually it is a result of bad communication between the two partners. One or both partners is missing something, and one or both of them is incapable of properly addresisng it. When my MM's wife found out some suspicious things that he might be cheating on her, they got inot a big fight and I gave him a full year of NC to work on his marriage because he told me they had decided that they had alot of thins they needed to talk about that they had been avoiding. A year later and he came back to me, again, even after fearing his wife would leave him and take his children if she found out again. And Im guessing, that a lack of communication and willingness to work on these missing things in their marriage is the blame. Im not blaming him OR her, I am blaming both of them. There is no such thing as a marriage that continues to stay together despite it being problematic, and only having one person to blame. Aside from a situation in which one person is physically abusive or something, generally both partners are to blame. Alot of the time men and women expect different things out of the marriage, and neither wants to try and see it the other's POV. Compromise, comromise, compromise.....the most important thing in a marriage along with communication, and normally the reason a marriage fails. Because no one wants to compromise.

 

Cheating is not a solution, but it IS a symptom of a bad marriage, whether people want to acknowledge it or not. In my case, MM and wife acknowledged it briefly, but never followed through to fix it.

 

 

Let me first tell you that your post is very interesting, and you are right on so many accounts. but i still cant agree with cheating, you said it, they need to communicate, work out their differences, reach a compromise, and cheating is non of that. As for you having no blame.. thats not correct as well, you are to blame, cause you MM is not having an affair by himself, he is having the affair with you. you also have responsability ,not only that, you have the choice to end it.

 

Sincerly, when will this end? there is just no excuse for cheating, they are not in jail. Cheating is not about communication, hanger, hangovers, childs, or party. Cheating is about lack of respect for your partner, atleast respect the partner and leave, but dont stay and cheat. In your case he tried to "save" his marriage right? lets assume he really tried and fail, what is he doing now? cheating again? why? theres no excuse.

 

And let me tell you all this, i dont mean this with disrespect, but i think OW´s and OM´s dont have self respect, if they did they would not let themselfs to be in that situation.

[Angel1111]

When I was with my MM, we rarely talked about his marriage. But I know his wife and have experienced what she can be like. I also saw them together at a function when he and I were first seeing one another and they rarely spoke, never touched, didn't sit together, nothing. If I hadn't known they were married, I would've never guessed it. That's how completely disconnected they were.

 

However, I know that xMM can be somewhat of a pill himself and I think it's more about the clash of their personalities than the fact that one or the other of them is a rotten person or not. Whenever he gets his feelings hurt or gets angry, he shuts down fast and usually comes back with a very cold, 'this conversation is over' type response. The only thing was, I didn't let him get away with it. Either we discussed it right then, or we discussed it later. So I think that since she was basically cold to him, and he was basically offended by her manner, they were continually in a cold war with one another. But he never painted the picture like she was an awful person. I always figured that it was just a clash of personalities and a lack of good chemistry.

[Can'tGiveUp]

Are you trying to find a excuse for cheating?

 

Since I have neither an H or a BF I'm not sure who you think I am cheating on??

[Lizzie60]

When I was with my MM, we rarely talked about his marriage. But I know his wife and have experienced what she can be like. I also saw them together at a function when he and I were first seeing one another and they rarely spoke, never touched, didn't sit together, nothing. If I hadn't known they were married, I would've never guessed it. That's how completely disconnected they were.

 

However, I know that xMM can be somewhat of a pill himself and I think it's more about the clash of their personalities than the fact that one or the other of them is a rotten person or not. Whenever he gets his feelings hurt or gets angry, he shuts down fast and usually comes back with a very cold, 'this conversation is over' type response. The only thing was, I didn't let him get away with it. Either we discussed it right then, or we discussed it later. So I think that since she was basically cold to him, and he was basically offended by her manner, they were continually in a cold war with one another. But he never painted the picture like she was an awful person. I always figured that it was just a clash of personalities and a lack of good chemistry.

 

I see that a lot when I'm on vacation.. couples sitting in a restaurant.. looking all around, not talking, not even looking at each other.. it's like they're bored to death with each other..

 

I guess they go down south just to 'watch people' ... maybe the H likes the 'people watch' on the beach..